Your history can be deleted .. but if you are computer savy .. you can always check the index.dat file with a program like this one.

http://www.softwarepatch.com/software/indexdat.html

ITs a free download .. lets you see every site visited even if history has been erased.

Outside of the cheating and lies, you are much hurt by realizing that he has not really loved you all this time. We all have to improve our ability to love over time IMO, but from what you've posted I very much believe that his ability to love anyone has been much less than what is good for you.

He lusted after what's her face and maybe thought he loved her, but he barely knew her. She is just some two bit whore who passes blow jobs around freely. He didn't have to protect his inner self from that.

He might change; he might not. I do think it's possible that he can grow his love for you if he really intends to do that. If you decide to leave him, I can tell you this: You will get over the pain. I too gave all my heart to one who could not love me back but desperately wanted me to love him. It was tough, but I made it past grief and never regretted removing him from my life (no kid together though).

Radio clips on porn.
Radio clip on porn #1
Radio clip on porn #2

Yea,I have done that too , thanks

I guess he may be able to let his love for me grow....I understand thats how it happens in the first place,but I cant help but think,for Gods sake...its been 23 years... I dont know....Im just coming to terms with all I have been told and realized. I will say, Im much stronger than I was when it first came out. For years I have been living in fear of him leaving me...I didnt know what was up,but you know how your gut just tells you something isnt right. Now the tables are turned. He is begging me to stay and is terrified I am going to leave him.

If you decide to save this marriage it's going to take some work.
Your WH needs to make some radical changes.
First he will need to live a completely transparent life.
Second he needs to stop the porn. Read these from Dr. Harley on the contrast effect.
Addiction to porn#1
Addiction to porn #2
He will need to have extraordinary precautions for life. Extraordinary Precautions

To add to my above post.

He will need to follow The Policy of Radical Honesty

You will need to both fill each other's Emotional Needs filling each others Lovebank

Spend at least 20 hours a week of Undivided Attention

Be each others favorite Recreational Companion
He will need to have boundaries around women. If he has someone at work that he's "lusting" over he needs to find another job. You need to get rid of ALL details that allowed him to have the affair.
If you follow Dr. Harley's path to recovery you WILL have a better, romantic marriage.

I am certain he really is devoted to the relationship now. My problem is getting past all the hurt and betrayal he has done. I am stuck in a place where all I do is hurt and think about how much I invested,and how all that love,time and effort was a waste of time,and now,the hurt and devastation is the pay off for all that I have invested. He keeps telling me he wants us to heal. Im not at the point of healing yet. Im in a place where all I think about is the hurt he has inflicted.

He said even though he knew getting emotional involved with the other woman was wrong,he had it in his head that if he did not let it get physical,it wasnt crossing 'that' line. He said he didnt think about it as I have....On the way home from dinner one night,I explained that for him,it would be as if I were having sex with another man,and kept it from him for so long,that it is the same feeling of betrayal and heart break that I feel since he gave another woman his heart. To be blunt(and I hope I dont offend anyone by explaining this how I do)...I told him to imagine he had a 6 inch penis and I went and had sex with a man with a 9 inch penis,and that man reached places in me he could never reach,no matter how hard he tried. I told him to imagine me having sex with that other man every day for 6 months and then coming home pretending I was satisfied sexually with what he could give me...THATS what he did to me,and then kept it from me for 15 years after the affair was over. He said it make him sick to even think about that. I told him that those images he wont allow himself to think about,that what he did to me in our bed-imagining I was her,is exactly what images I have in my head,but more important than that,is that he showed me how much he was in love with her. Thats the worst of all! That and keeping it from me for 15 years!

For so long, 23 years,I tried every avenue to get to the place he would be open to my love,but I couldnt reach it,He wouldnt let me in,but the woman he knew for a short time,about 6 months or so,he allowed her in and fell for her. We were not talking very much then,because I was ill. Emotionally,he gave to her and not me. When I explained it like that to him,he seemed to FINALLY get it as to why it hurts so deeply. He broke down and cried like a baby and told me he was sorry he ever hurt me,and that he WOULD make this right,if I give him the chance.

I dont want to grow cold hearted...if I allow myself to get cold,I will become someone nasty,and thats not who I am or who I want to be. He gets very frustrated when I cry from all the hurt he has inflicted. He says I just keep talking about the same things over and over,and that he knows what he has done. I told him I keep voicing it because those hurts,the memories he put in my head by using my body that night fantasizing about her...they keep playing over and over in my head.That he kept betraying me and came home everyday for over 6 months looking me in the face and letting me think all was alright and good with us,and then when he dropped the ball about wanting out,he wasnt honest about the affair,but kept me in the dark about it,once it finally ended, he STILL kept it hid for 15 years. THATS what keeps playing in my mind!

Am I wrong for continuing to talk about how much he hurt me and telling him why I am crying when he asked me? Am I wrong in that I am not supposed to talk about the affair and the hurt he has done for so much of our relationship? From my point of view,its all I see. He kept things from me for 15 years...Ive had almost,not quiet 2 months to try to come to terms with knowing my life has been full of betrayal, and that the man I love was lying to me everyday,by omission. I have done tons of research about how it can take up to 12-24 months for a betrayed spouse to heal,but am I not moving forward fast enough? Am I 'hanging on' and 'not wanting to heal'? He tells me I am 'wallowing' in the pain. (He does get frustrated,and I guess it is reasonable that he does,but saying Im 'wallowing in the pain',when he has injured me so deeply,just makes me hurt so much more!) I see the remorse,the sadness and the contriteness all over him.

When I do allow him to touch me,or I reach out to touch him,he seems to be so relieved and tells me he appreciates it. He leaves notes for me thanking me for giving him another chance to love me,though he knows he doesnt deserve it,but as long as I do,he will make this the marriage I always wanted and more....I know he wants me to be able to move on,so we can heal. I absolutely DO want to heal!!! I just feel so hurt and gutted,I feel like the wound is too fresh to move,and he seems to think if I really want to heal,I would CHOOSE to. I dont CHOOSE to sit here and feel like this! I know he is hurt,too. I see it on his face and in his actions,but I mean HE DID THIS to me. He caused ALL the hurt. He thinks that me crying and hurting means that I am choosing not to 'start the process' of healing. My response is he doesnt know what my heart is doing.

I feel I AM in the process...Im just still in the grieving and starting in the the 'acceptance' stage. Accepting that all I did,was fruitless and accepting my life was a waste. He tells me he wants to help us be to a place we have never been to before. That he is loving me with his whole heart and that he is completely open to me. That his heart is open to me and that all I have to do is accept it. Im in such a state,I dont know what to do....I have printed off the Emotional Needs and LB questionares. I just dont know if I am ready to work on this relationship yet,to be quiet honest... I have read the 'Cant we forgive and forge't...I know he had an affair because he was not getting his needs met...at the time,I was very sick and dealing with the symptoms of Fibromyalgia... I could barely keep my head up at the time and take care of our 5-7 year old. He chose to NOT let me know what he needed and went to another woman to 'get' what he 'needed'. He told me how it started out with just talking,which is how affairs start out,but that he was so caught up with himself,he was in so deep. He has told me once he fantasized about her using me,that became the point he got sick of himself and decided then he had to stop the affair.

Since I have got meds and am dealing with the fibro symptoms better,actually for years now...I have treated him,like I said,as my god. I have waited on him hand and foot,and did EVERYTHING I could to make life easier for him and he told me he was always more than happy with our sex life. I was treating him better than I took care of myself,and I have learned better. Now,I realize i was doing way too much,but couldnt do what he needed when he wasnt being straight with me about his feelings,therefore,I couldnt meet his emotional needs. Our 'marriage' seemed to be doing better in the recent years,and he eventually got to coming into the kitchen and wanting to spend time with me,showing a me alot of affection, and actually took time on me sexually to make sure my needs were met on a pretty regular basis. He made me feel like he WANTED to be with me. He just wasnt being open with his emotions with me. Now,he says he is and that he will prove to me he will be the man I have longed for.

I know he loved me. I dont think he lied when he said he loved me through the years. Its just that he wasnt giving me all of him. Therefore,he left himself open to others. Like I said, he was 'good' to me in all ways except being full hearted,really COMMITTED in the relationship. He tells me he is now...that I know all his dark secrets and that he will be open to me and that I own his whole heart now. He has been transparent and I have all the passwords,and access to everything he uses. Going to the womans FB page,to him was wrong since he did it underhanded,and I realize that as he does. He told me he will not be doing things to hurt me like that again. He told me he will be completely open and transparent with me. I am requesting key logger on all computers. I believe he will without hesitation. I have told him he has to earn his way into my heart. That I refuse to give it back to him freely. That I am finished doing all the work and basically,I am done trying until I see him putting forth effort to show the relationship is worth any thing to him. That he has to PROVE it if I am the center of his life,and that I was on to him now.

I wont be going around with my head buried any longer! (I guess I am making him do the things about Compensation Dr. Harley mentions without even knowing it,but now that I know,I am sure I am right about it and it makes me more resolved than ever to make him stick to it! ) He has self emposed most of the EP himself recently ,and I will be adding what I need to the list. I am willing to stay,as long as he shows me I am worth the trouble for him.I guess we'll see just how important I really am....

Once all your questions have been answered about his affairs and you start to affair proof your marriage Dr. Harely says to never bring up the affair again.

I'm concerned that you aren't following Dr. Harely's path for recovery.

Have you read this? How Can Trust be Restored after an Affair?

btw unrequitted, could you break up your posts into smaller paragraphs. it is extremely hard to read. don't know if anyone else mentioned that. i am sorry that you are here. it is like a double edged sword too. having to come here means your marriage is foundering on the rocks. but coming here also means being in a place where there are the greatest people in the world. you are absolutely worth the commitment. too bad your H did not see that clearly before. maybe he does now. i pray and hope that you will be able to find your way to happiness.

He loved you and loved having two(or more) women meeting his EN.

You doing everything for him is letting your giver do all the work.

Please read this. The Giver and Taker

Your WH should live a complete transparent life to you from now and until the end of your marriage. You need to make sure you have those keyloggers in place.

Unrequitted,

I would HIGHLY suggest a poly here. I have a very strong suspician there are things that have not been exposed to you yet. If your WH is truly ready to work on recovery he should be more than happy to do this for you and prove to you that you are starting with a clean slate. If he is not (which I suspect) it is because he has something to hide. Not sure about your BIL's sitch but do NOT let him use what he sees as a test failure to get out of it! Do not let him use that situation as a way to gaslight you into forgetting about the poly.

You are already very, very resentful. Girlfriend, I'm with ya! I only have 13 years under my belt but getting over the feelings like you never really had a marriage, wasted all these years, etc. is very hard to do. I guess at some point you just have to make a choice to do it if you truly want to recover. I'm still a work in progress! But to facilitate that progress you need to have a WH who is completely and totally ready to do whatever you need for recovery, including taking a poly.

What you DON'T need to add to all this resentment is a FR (false recovery). This is when you are being 'trickle truthed' thinking you are on the road to recovery and then finding out there was more to an infidelity than you thought, or another infidelity you didn't know about, etc. and putting you back to square one. Before you invest in the work, get all of the TRUTH.

After all these years of being a deceptive wayward jerk to you, all of a sudden your H is a blubbering baby. I feel like something set that off. I do NOT think you have all the info here.

Also, you might get more responses if you shorten up your posts:) For people like me who check in and out throughout the day, longgggg posts seem too hard/time consuming to follow and they might just skip over it.

Yea,I know I was giving and he was taking. I have read the giver and the taker. Keylogger is in place. I have order the two books 'Surviving an affair' and 'his needs her needs'.

Thanks for responding. I get so carried away I just write and write... He has agreed to a polygraph,and told me he will do what ever it takes to show me he is telling me the absolute truth. I told him this morning I did not want false recovery. He says he will take the poly and prove to me he has told me everything;that I know all that has happened over the years,and that he is not hiding anymore and he is done with all the ignorant,immature bullsh**. I am not even near the road to recovering.
He is going with me to a gyno appointment for me to be screened for any STDs. Im insisting he go if nothing else,to make him look someone in the face,other than myself, and be held responsible for his actions.
The only way I know to have a relationship with him is to begin all over again. As far as I am concerned,the relationship as I knew,or thought of it as, is dead. I know in order to have a relationship,a real marriage,is to resolve everything,all my feelings,all the feelings he was having,know the truth and get past it all,and start brand new. Thats what Im working on. I know I cant move forward until in my heart and mind I am satisfied I know the complete truth.

Since he agreed to a poly .. DO IT! SOmetimes they just agree with it to pacify you and hope you do not follow through. MAKE SURE you follow through!

I have printed and he is,along with me reading and he has agreed to the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. This statment from Dr. Harley "If someone who has a long history of dishonesty and thoughtlessness agrees to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement, that person is on his or her way to becoming trustworthy, in spite of past history." gives me hope since he is agreeing to the PORH and POJA. He has taken the steps of EP,also. I really am trying to get to the point of being able to allow myself to follow Dr. Harleys' path. I feel like I am in recovery process. Right now,I am just dealing with the overwhelming news.

Thats great he is agreeing to POJA and PORA. JUST those 2 things alone make a HUGE difference. The harder of those 2 i believe is PORA .. i myself had a bit of a hard time getting PORA working for me as I was always afraid to let my wife know how i was feeling when the feeling was negative about something .. i just never wanted to "rock the boat" when things were going mostly well .. I have since gotten over that because well .. i let those little things add up all the time to the point they became BIG things cuz my love bank would be drained so low... they I would have an AO after not expressing my complaints to my wife in a way she could recieve it respectfully .. and only made my situation worse.

Took a while to learn that one lol.

Feelings follow actions .. also .. watch this vid or vids in this link ..

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2575873#Post2575873

MNG