OK I am at work so I have to make this detailed but as short as possible.

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have been together for 10. We have 2 daughters ages 5 and 1.

We have been the couple our friends have always talked about and had the relationship all of our friends wanted. I bet if they really knew the heartache of the last 3 years they would change their minds.

Basically we have had some major life changing events in our relatively short time together. Here is a brief summary:

Moved in together when I was just 18, married at 20, first baby at 21, money issues, life changing move back to our small hometown, loss of jobs, miscarriage, pain killer addiction, emotional affair, demanding job, etc.

The last 3 years have really been the hardest. But alot of the issues from those hardships was only really brought to my attention in the last year.

After having our youngest last February dh (dear husband) got a new job, one that promised to be a secure foundation that we had been missing. That job took him out of state for 2 weeks when our daughter was just 6 weeks old.

Little did I know that that trip would open pandora's box.

When he got back I learned of what I still believe was a strong emotional affair with someone he met while on the work trip. I believe it was only an emotional affair...although my imagination lets me think of how easy a physical one would have been. He did not stop talking to her even when we were fighting. It took him until June to finally stop talking to her and deleting her phone #.

I also then learned of an addiction to pain killers that he had been battling for over a year but had been keeping from me.

Since the big blow up (from April-June of last year) dh has had some other text message conversations with other girls. I know he just wants to talk to people that are fun and not serious like I am and probably girls that give him a whole lot more attention than I do. Not making excuses I just know that is why.

Well the job he got has proven to be a great one. It is just too bad that it comes with a schedule that is always changing and keeping him from home.

I work full time and so I take care of 2 kids almost always by myself on top of working, paying bills, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. etc. It has really made me feel like a single mom.

I have found that I think of him more as a roommate and father to my children than as a husband. I feel the reason for this is to protect myself. I feel it is easier to not want him home and to not think of him romantically so that I won't be disappointed/hurt/alone when the void isn't filled. I don't want to be hurt again.

I still think of him as my soulmate and want to spend the rest of my life with him though. I don't ever want him to be out of my life.

I just don't even know where to start with fixing something that I can't even identify.

This may be very confusing and I apologize. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry you find yourself here .. but really this is the best place to deal with this kind of situation. Part of the reason this is happening is becasue BOTH of you are Lovebusting .. and failing to meet each others emotional needs.

Check these out .. as I see you mentioned you see that you dont give your hubby the attention he needs(or wants).

Caring for children MEANS caring for each other.

I see you mention your hubby had a EA and is addicted to pain killers ... THESE 2 items need to be taken care of ASAP. Your marriage has never recovered from his EA.

I would start with reading the basic concepts, articles and Q&A columns here on this site...

Basic Concepts

Articles

Questions and Answers Column

THen After you ead all that I would get 2 copies of all the questionairs and fill them out and exchange them. I would also start your PLAN A while you begin snooping by setting up a keylogger on the PC to see what your hubby is REALLY doing on it .. or set up some spyware on his phone if he conducts his stuff there.

Questionaires to print out

I also suggest you move this thread to surviving an affair as your marriage has never recovered as it is apparent by your comment that you live more like room mates...and EA is just as bad as a PA and it needs to be dealt with and your hubby should be putting some extraordinary precautions in place to keep his boundries with opposite sex people appropriate.

I ALSO suggest you get some of Dr.Harleys books. I personally suggest "HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS, LOVE BUSTERS, FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

CHeck out this article on what is an affair and how they start. There is ALWAYS reasons why they happen .. but never an excuse.

What is an affair?

How affairs begin

There is probably TONS more for you .. but this is a good start. Read up all you can .. get some books (which are better than the free info on the site) Begin PLAN A and prepare for PLAN B. Stop love busting .. and start meeting each others intimate emotional needs 15 hours a week WITHOUT friends, children, or TV and computers etc. Basicly NO distractions. YOu didnt marry each other because you ignored each other... so its time to start getting in the time you need to be in love again.

Time + Emotional needs met = in love. The questionaires will help you Identify your needs .. and what things EACH of you is doing that withdraws your love from eachother (love busters).

MNG

Edit to say (once you get familiar with things here .. read and post your questions ... vent here .. and if you snop (which you should) and you find something .. DO NOT CONFRONT bring it here and we will help you with the next steps.

Thanks,

I actually did rent the His Needs, Her needs from the library during the midst of all the happenings last year. He didn't read it.

We did fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and it seemed to help for a little while. We discovered that basically he wants more intimacy and I want more conversation...neither of which are happening hardly at all!!!

He is no longer addicted to pain killers. Part of his anger last year was that I didn't know 100% that he was...even though he was doing everything to keep it from me. He actually was mad at me for in his eyes "not paying enough attention to him" to know what was happening.

A lot of the other stuff you mentioned is new to me...I have not looked into those things yet.

I think he and I will sit down tonight and go through all of this though.

I should edit the first post to say that I believe dh had an EA...I am not entirely sure he feels that way. Maybe more now than he did last year. I never actually read the conversations but I do believe him when he said that they just talked about whatever. She had tattoos and dh wanted another one. She drove a truck and like snowmobiling etc. I do believe there was flirting that took place (and took place again later last year with other girls).

It is just strange that after a year later and getting through all of that I don't feel like we have come as far as I hoped we would...

If you read the article about "what is an affair" you would see that as long as YOU think it was .. it was! .. He has POOR boundries with members of the opposite sex.

Do you guys get enough UA time? 15 hours a week without friends, tv, or kids? thats like an hour a day and 2 hours each day on the weekends. OR 2 hours a day aprox.

Without TIME together (EACH WEEK) meeting the TOP 4 intimate needs of Intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fullfilment its hard to have a marriage as the lack of time slowly drains your love accounts for each other.

Policy of undivided attention

Your marriage is TOP priority. More so than meeting the needs of your kids ... chores ... work .. etc. As you will see after reading all you can here. There is TONS to chew on and absorb.

You said your hubby didnt read the book when you got it from the library .. but how about reading it out loud together after kids are in bed as part of the UA time? The books make great discussions as you can read and then stop and discuss the topics as they come up. My wife and I did this .. and every night or every other night we went to bed earlier and just sat and read togehter and talked about the book as we read it ... it sure opened our eyes as we read it together.

My wife was opposed to reading it at first too .. until we went to counselling and she realized that MCing was wasting our money (came out feeling worse than we went in each time).. so she THEN descided to "try" reading the books i got (we have like 8 of them now and they are amazing books) .. and she was VERY surprised how much of the stuff was a double edged sword .. because alot of the time I tried to get her on board i was "educating" my wife and that didnt do a very good job of selling he program to her. She thought becasue it was written by a man .. that it would only be to MY benefit. BOY was she wrong .. and is totally on board now.

You have to find a way to intice your hubby ... and sell it to him in a way that HE sees the benefit. YOUR BOTH IN WITHDRAWL ... so one of you has to turn this around and be the mature one to put a stop to the crazy cycle and start meeting emotional needs. Since you are here, thats you!

MNG

Well honestly no.

I don't know that last time we have had that much quality time together at all.

I mean we have tried to get away just the two of us whenever we can but if it happens once a month I would be surprised.

And as far as just time at home that is uniterrupted....well it just doesn't happen.

I sent him a long email before posting on here (an email is something he will actually read...me talking doesn't work, he usually falls asleep) and his reply was "what do I do quit my job?"

So I can see we have a long ways to go and a lot of reading to do.

I am not sure when we got back to where we were 1 year ago....I guess I was in denile thinking we were moving forward.

Thats the problem RIGHT there ... if you only hung out with each other once a month prior to being married do you think you would have gotten married? I doubt it. You BOTH have to go back to your courting towards each other mentality. You must date each other for life.

Now to be honest I dont always get 15hours a week either with my wife but we make the best of the time we do make. (notice i say MAKE time and not HAVE time? Thats because no one HAS time .. we have to make it)

Keep posting, asking and reading .... we will guide you as best as possible.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Jenn.

There is a definite theme in your first post that really jumped out at me:
You are so busy working and caring for your children that there is no time left over for what should be your priority: your marriage. Time for each other should be your first order of business when scheduling out your week, but it sounds like you're trying to fit in a few minutes together if there's any time left over.

You and your husband need to sit down and work out a schedule that will allow the two of you to spend at least 15 hours a week in undivided attention with each other, meeting each other's needs. Alone - no kids.

Tell us about his addiction. Is he shopping doctors for pills? Buying them off the street? How much is he spending on drugs? Is he missing work?

The answer is "Yes."

My husband would say, "Well, I'll just quit my job and work at McDonald's then!" when I would request more time together. I don't have a job, but I am a full-time student with four children.

It is a ploy to make you feel guilty for wanting his time. You should require his time. There is no way to have a marriage without it.

My H ended up with a better job, and while he tried to play the same-old at the beginning of it (travel, parties) that is OVER now because I slammed my foot on the floor and said, "I don't think so. Not going to work for me, or this family. Your choice, buddy!" And he made his current job no-travel and no-party, no sweat.

Choices. He has one!

Jenn, your husband has already proven that he cannot handle overnights away from your home. It led to an affair in the past, and it will lead to continued affairs in the future. And he has no boundaries around women at all.

Your marriage cannot survive this continued reckless and thoughtless behavior on his part.

Does your husband's job continue to keep him home overnight? Does he continue to text and talk with other women? After an AFFAIR he has no business continuing to do this to you!

Jennbr: I agree with CWMI and Markos. He is trying to make you feel guilty for wanting a "real" marriage - one in which you're emotionally connected. And he keeps doing things that upset you, like texting other women.

Here's what I would recommend:

- Start listening to MB radio daily, and write to the Harleys to get their advice
- Read everything on the site about affairs - your husband had one, and he's still pursuing other women
- Start snooping: get a keylogger on his computer, look at phone records, put a VAR and GPS in his car, and a tracker on his phone

Until you fix the affair/boundaries with women issue, no other progress is possible.