One other thought is that while he was with OW this weekend, he did send me a text saying that he would write up a divorce offer giving me more CS if I would go sign it - he would have it to my lawyer by today, he just wants out. I'm sure the text was at her insistence (although bizarre she would agree to give up more of his money - either her need to control is greater than her thirst for cash, or she has a solid plan to milk her husband dry), no idea if he will follow through. My lawyer hasn't seen anything. Could have been blowing smoke, just pacifying her and not intending to do it, or maybe that's what he called about tonight. But I could wait a few days while I get everything else ready for Plan B and see if he actually produces said agreement. If he does, and I sign it, that should cement financial matters so that I can ask him not to contact me at all.

It's not plagiarizing to steal large chunks from the sample letters, right? That's what they're for? Just making sure:)

Thank you for sharing that email from your sweet husband. I wonder if he copied and pasted it from my WH, or the other way around? So made me laugh, and made me feel better that they all say these horrible things, and that you can let it roll off you, recognize it for what it is.

Sounds good. Thanks. This is a first draft of my Plan B letter, if any of you knowledgeable people have time to take a look and offer advice. I want to come from a place of strength, but I also want to come from a place of love in this last communication. Despite all the garbage, there is light in his soul, somewhere. If I didn't believe that, I would have been gone long ago. I mean what I am saying, but I want to convey love to him, no matter what the future holds. If this is the last communication I ever have with him, I want him to know that I ended it with love. If nothing else, it is more likely to inspire future peace than something more harsh would be:


May 8, 2012

My Dear Husband,

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, something I have mentally worked on for months and hoped I would not have to do it. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, when your heart was still full of love for me and for our children. I couldn�t bring myself to. But it has finally come to the point where I have to do it, for my own sanity and emotional health. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, and know that it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I am deeply sorry for this. I know I helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.

I have said this before and I want to say it again: I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I have learned a great deal through all of this. I feel that I am learning a lot about how to be the type of woman that I hope you would feel proud to call your wife. I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.

The past 3� years, and especially the 1� years since you left our home, have been a very difficult passage of time for me, by far the most emotionally traumatic of my life. I remember the pure love, hope, and happiness I felt when, after nearly a year of doing everything I could to just love you after I first discovered this affair, I watched your mind, heart, and soul change and turn to me and our family. You were the most amazing husband and father. I felt so deeply connected to you, so full of love for you, so happy with our marriage and family. I began to feel a deep connection to you again in November and December. I remember long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and bits of hope for our future.

The past 4 months have been the worst of my life. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I let myself slip into a very dark place, and I�m ashamed of much of my own behavior during this time. I have to pull out of this.

I never thought I could survive something like this. I have found strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. I have made many mistakes during this trying time, but I have tried to do what I thought was right and what I felt like God wanted me to do. I have never wanted a divorce, I have believed in you, in our marriage and our family, and in the importance of keeping it together. I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.

It has been heartbreaking for me to see the damage to each of us as individuals, and to our relationship in all of this, especially during the last 4 months. It is to the point where I even feel very afraid of you, something I do not want to feel. I want to hold onto the love that I still have for you. I also need to hold onto myself. Too much of my focus has been on you. I need to focus on me - my own personal growth, health, and well-being. I also need to focus on my children, helping to rebuild their lives, and love and support and strengthen them.

In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. This is about me, what I need to do for myself, in order to move forward in my own life and recover my strength. I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).

I want us to work together to restore our marriage and family. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.

I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years. I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart. You know what I am willing to do. You saw it. You saw what our marriage could be, what we could do together. You saw all my efforts, even in the midst of the worst pain possible. You know that I love you, and that I have done everything I can to show you.

I think the mistake we made the first time you chose our marriage was that we didn�t have a plan. If we�d had a plan then, I think we could have avoided the pain of the past year and a half. When you find yourself ready to end this affair completely, once and for all; willing to work out a plan for recovery; and willing to commit to our family, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. I know you do not want to feel controlled or dictated to, and it is not my desire to do either. I want us to work together on this. I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.

I know things are no longer in my hands. You remember everything I do, you know how I feel, you know what�s in my heart. I have done everything that I can do.

I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.

All my love,
Your wife

May 8, 2012

My Dear Husband,

((((( DELETE - This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write, something I have mentally worked on for months and hoped I would not have to do it. Perhaps I should have done it sooner, when your heart was still full of love for me and for our children. I couldn�t bring myself to. But it has finally come to the point where I have to do it, for my own sanity and emotional health. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, and know that it is from the heart. ))))))))

[This whole first paragraph is an apology for Plan B and entirely removes the strength and justice of doing what you must to save yourself. He won't take you seriously - I would start with a loving memory or sentence here. Something admiring and specific about the past, but short]

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, ((((delete this - and failed to give you what you needed many times. I am deeply sorry for this.)))))) I know I helped to create an environment that made it possible for this affair to develop.

(((((( Delete - I have said this before and I want to say it again)))) I am willing to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. ((((((Delete this, [sounds needy] - I have learned a great deal through all of this. I feel that I am learning a lot about how to be the type of woman that I hope you would feel proud to call your wife. )))))))) I so want to put the past behind us and build a better and beautiful life for us and for our children.

(((((( Delete - The past 3� years, and especially the 1� years since you left our home, have been a very difficult passage of time for me,)))))

[Replace with "Your affair during our marriage has caused"] the most emotionally traumatic of my life. ((((((( Delete - I remember the pure love, hope, and happiness I felt when, after nearly a year of doing everything I could to just love you after I first discovered this affair, I watched your mind, heart, and soul change and turn to me and our family. You were the most amazing husband and father. I felt so deeply connected to you, so full of love for you, so happy with our marriage and family. I began to feel a deep connection to you again in November and December.))))))))

((((((( I would delete this, [although maybe use it for your opening paragraph]: I remember long talks, dinners, discussing our lives and our children, touching on the mistakes we had made, expressing love and caring for each other, and hope for our future.))))))

((((((( Delete, too in depth - The past 4 months have been the worst of my life. I have felt so much hurt and pain, disbelief, and despair. I let myself slip into a very dark place, and I�m ashamed of much of my own behavior during this time. I have to pull out of this.

I never thought I could survive something like this. I have found strength inside me that I never knew I possessed. I have made many mistakes during this trying time, but I have tried to do what I thought was right and what I felt like God wanted me to do. I have never wanted a divorce, I have believed in you, in our marriage and our family, and in the importance of keeping it together. I have told you many times that I have been amazed at times at the depth of love I have felt for you, even in all of this, that I know God has blessed me to see you the way that He does, as a person of infinite worth. I am sorry for the times in our marriage, both in the past and recently, that I have done things to make you feel anything less than that.

It has been heartbreaking for me to see the damage to each of us as individuals, and to our relationship in all of this, especially during the last 4 months. It is to the point where I even feel very afraid of you, something I do not want to feel. I want to hold onto the love that I still have for you. I also need to hold onto myself. Too much of my focus has been on you. I need to focus on me - my own personal growth, health, and well-being. I also need to focus on my children, helping to rebuild their lives, and love and support and strengthen them. ))))))))))))

[Replace with: 'You must know how painful your affair has been for me. I cannot be in any contact with you, while you are with OW]

(((((((((((((Delete
In order for me to do this, I need to separate myself from you completely. It is simply too difficult, too heart-wrenching, too anxiety-inducing, for me to see you or to be in contact with you. This is not in any way meant to punish you. This is about me, what I need to do for myself, in order to move forward in my own life and recover my strength.)))) I will not see you, talk to you, or communicate with you directly in any way. Please respect my need to do this under these circumstances. If you absolutely have to contact me, please do it through ( ).

I want us to work together to restore our marriage and family. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly and hurtful the things we have been through, we can get past it. With God�s help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself, and find the strength we need to do this. I know it�s there. I�ve seen it.

I love you, my sweet husband. You are the love of my youth, the father of my children, the man I shared my life with, my husband of 22 years. I want to finish raising our children together, be grandparents together, grow old together. I want to love and support and care for each other through the rest of our lives. I love you with all of my heart. ((((((Delete You know what I am willing to do. You saw it. You saw what our marriage could be, what we could do together. You saw all my efforts, even in the midst of the worst pain possible. You know that I love you, and that I have done everything I can to show you.

I think the mistake we made the first time you chose our marriage was that we didn�t have a plan. If we�d had a plan then, I think we could have avoided the pain of the past year and a half. When you find yourself ready to end this affair completely, once and for all; willing to work out a plan for recovery; and willing to commit to our family, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together. I know you do not want to feel controlled or dictated to, and it is not my desire to do either. I want us to work together on this.))))))))

I know that our marriage can be better than it�s ever been, not just something we can survive, but the marriage we both dreamed of the day we got married. I know we can build the beautiful, loving, happy, supportive, passionate marriage that will make us both happy.

((((((((((((Delete
I know things are no longer in my hands. You remember everything I do, you know how I feel, you know what�s in my heart.)))))
I have done everything that I can do.

I am leaving you in God�s hands, my sweet _____________.

All my love,
Your wife

rainy, Dr. Harley has said this several times. He says it frequently on his radio show, and he's on the record saying it on this website multiple times. I'll see if I can dig up a link, but I'll bet MelodyLane will have one faster than I can get one.

MelodyLane has been on this site longer than (almost) any other active member, and has made tens of thousands of posts, been on Dr. Harley's radio show several times, and has listened to every broadcast hour of his show.