I think this deserves a thread of it's own. There was a WW that wanted to go back and apologize to her BH for her affair while she is still currently married to her OM.

These are some excellent posts by Pepperband on amends and I think it's excellent advice.

Here is the original thread if you want to read it.
I want to apologize to my ex yea or nay?

Here's Pepperband's advice. I hope it's ok to share your knowledge Pep? Thank you in advance.

Thanks for the compliment, Brain.

Thank YOU for your help and wisdom.

I would agree with you, if she were presently a wayward spouse having an affair. She is not, but now married her affair partner. That said, some things that are done cannot be undone. A murderer cannot bring the dead back to life but only express sorrow to those who have been hurt.

I think Marriage Builders teaches the marriage is first. While she chose to play the harlot in her last marriage, the fact is, she is now again married--5 years. She must now put that first. The guilt, shame and remorse she has express, is probably having an effect in her present marriage. An apology to her betrayed ex, will probably help her go forward with the choice she has made and maybe him. The Bible also teaches, she can now never go back to her ex-husband. Deuteronomy 24:1-4. Upon that, no amends like getting back together are possible.

She never said this. You're making this up. Even if it were true, that's her problem. Her state of mind, the state of her current marriage, are no concern what-so-ever to her EXH.


A charitable donation (a SIZABLE donation) would be more impressive forward motion.


It has an equal or greater chance of re-opening his old wounds.

She made her bed (affair/divorce/marriage) and her EX is apparently content never to hear from her.

Skid .... have you ever heard of MB Plan B ??????
Plan B is a something a betrayed spouse chooses in order to protect himself/herself from mental/emotional harm.
A long-ago betrayed spouse who has ZERO contact with their former unfaithful/adulterous spouse may be in Plan B.

I, for one, think that choice of the betrayed has priority over any self-serving apology the adulterous spouse now choses to make ..... after YEARS of silence.

If she wants a clearer conscience, she may do so by making a charitable donation and respecting her EX -H's wishes to be LEFT in PEACE.

How dare she want to disturb his peace ! Outrageous that you think her desires/needs to feel better for being an adulteress in her former M should (once again) be more important than the well-being of the man she betrayed.

Remember, Skiddo, she and her EX once had full love banks for each other. It is not unthinkable that any friendly re-connection (via an apology) might re-open someone's love bank. Then what?

You've copied/pasted this same post on several threads now. Do you have any thoughts beyond this repetition?

The discussion I am having with you is not about her trying to reconcile with her EXH .... who wants no part of her.

This woman should apologize to God in her prayers, and have God deliver the message as He sees fit.

Leave the man she betrayed in PEACE ....

I never want an apology from either OW or my ex if it were only mere words. Amends score big points with me. Even if I still didn't want to continue a relationship with that person, I'd at least have some respect for him/her.

Any motive to relieve guilt or get forgiveness invalidates the effort. Same goes for saying/doing anything that is still laced with justifications and laying blame on others. If a WS/OP can't own it 100%, then be quiet and leave me alone especially if it's been years and I've rebuilt my life.

Skid,

There were two thieves crucified along side Jesus, yet he only took one with him.

Why?

What did that thief do/say differently than the other?


Even the forgiveness offered by Christ is NOT unconditional, even the love offered by Christ is NOT unconditional.

WHAT are his conditions.

Your answers are there, not in random quotes of scripture.

But apologies are useless without amends. While 'What's done is done' there is always SOME action can be taken. No one with any common sense would credit the remorse of anyone who is all talk.

I also find your examples of when Just Compensation is not needed, a little strange Skidman. Murder, really?

If a loved one of mine was murdered, I would expect the murderer to hand themselves in and give up their freedom and their life. Actions, not words.

No WAY would an 'I'm sorry and I'll be on my way to live the rest of my life' be sufficient.

If a murderer wants to hang on to their freedom, they can't repent.

If a thief wants to hang on to the money they took, they can't repent.

This woman wants to hang on to her affairage...so guess what? She can't repent about the marriage she destroyed in order to get that affairage. She gave the life that was her rightfully her husbands to the OM. And she wants him to keep it.

While she may be able to honour her second lot of vows to her affairage husband, there is nothing she can do about the harm to her BH while she remains in an affairage.

The affair partners plotted together to hurt this betrayed husband and the fact they are still together is an affront to that BH. An attack upon the wound which heals but never goes away. He won't ever want to hear from people still actively engaged in an attack upon him. He will not want that wound reopened.

I think her desire to give an apology with no amends is monstrous. She is naively and cruelly thinking he can simply 'move on' while she says one thing 'I wish I hadnt done it' and does another 'Im going to keep on doing it'.

If my H married his OW, I would hope they at least had the decency to keep out of my way and to keep their affairage where I could not see it and it could not hurt me.

She just has to accept that she killed one marriage to get another and there isnt any apology that will cleanse away that fact.

She should leave him alone ... and hopefully he is permanently Plan Bing her in order to protect himself from just this type of nonsense.

Whatever she chooses to do, it should not be about helping HER. Repentance from a wayward life means learning not to do things for oneself at the expense of someone else.

It would help HER, but it would hurt HIM.

That was a joke, surely.

I can't believe that you could have said this in all seriousness.

Many believers in the Bible understand the Bible to say that no valid marriage can take place for an affair. i.e., affair partners who get legally married are not truly married in the eyes of God, because the marriage cannot be valid.

So it's not for certain, to everybody, that they really are married.

I know! slapping some marriage vows onto an affair is like sticking a dress on a pig and calling it a lady!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, IG! Yes, please, no more insults to the rest of us.

She is now committed/obligated/needs to work on/whatever to this affairage?

No, no, no. These beautiful, soul mate relationships should run on their own - no effort, so easy, meant to be, eternal bliss. They don't need anyone's help. And if she feels guilty, she deserves to - for the rest of her life, unless like IG and others have said, she gets out and actually tries to right the wrong to the best of her ability. I agree that staying with her AP is a permanent affront/wounding to her former H. Horrible.

Deal with your garbage or get out of the dump. Don't ask how to turn it back into your rose garden mirage now that the stench has come through.