That is great. I will be listening and sending support your way.

Thanks I'm very nervous!

I was on the show and was a bit nervous too but Joyce and Bill are so friendly and helped me feel at ease. They also offer follow up care (in the form of emailing afterwards letting them know how things are going) and great advice.

Dear TrblInTX and Forum Readers,

I have a similar situation. I am hesitant to post. My story exposes details and I would be afraid.

PeaceAndPolarity

It's always possible to post without providing details that would identify you. We all do it.

Please start a new thread if you wish to get help. Welcome to MB.

trb, my H is must not have any females (except my relatives) on his fb page. he may not text females unless work (he has his own business) related. these are just 2 of his EPs. verify, verify, verify! put some spyware on his phone so you can see any messages, even if deleted. do NOT accept any deviation from your marriage EPs. my H knows that the consequences for breaking EPs is plan D. there is no wriggle room. i would not tolerate any chatty messages. plan B got him w/the programme.

trb, it doesn't sound like your husband is on board. what is your plan to get him to do so?

Peace,

I really think you should post your story! You'll get the help you need and don't have to give any details or you can even change them. You'll feel so much better when you do and can get the help you need.

TinT

I don't even know where to start. I need to figure it out and help myself! I guess I just feel like my situation isn't as bad as some of the stories on here so I am dragging my feet for some reason.

I tried to call him to talk to him at work about being on the radio program and he said he is in meetings and can't talk. He was on a conference call and told me that via text. Then when he could tell I was upset that he couldn't even take a moment to talk to me he went off on me via email saying things like I can't expect him to drop everything for him every single time I need to talk. He said, " Am I to be expected to be able to drop everything and anything I am doing throughout the day to talk when you are ready."

Well first of all, I rarely ask to talk to him and just wanted to be open and honest about being on the program. It was a complete surprise. But secondly, I know that the MB program says that if I did need to talk, he should make an effort to try. Well then he tries to call me when he knows I'm picking up our kids at school. So now it looks like he's trying but his hurtful comments are not going to fly. HELP!!!

TinT

Trouble in Texas ... man I could have said the exact same thing about my WH's EA ... now I am being divorced by my WH so he can pursue his whore legitamately.

My WH's progression into hell is getting worse and worse as time keeps ticking. He is now rarely seeing our children.

When it comes to EAs or PAs think of the worst happening and prepare for it ... until he stops being wayward he WILL continuously self destruct and take you and your children with him.

Remember his love for his whore is greater than his love for you. She will trump you on his decisions ... and yes he will throw you continuously under the bus because in the end he is nothing but a fogged out addicted wayward whose EXTREMELY intoxicating whore is his drug and she at this time in his life is the most important thing he eats, breathes, and thinks about.

Does anyone have a link to an article or radio show archive where Dr. Harley discusses contact with your wife while at work?

I don't but just finished listening to your radio show.

I would go to him tonight and tell him he has 24 hours to write the No Contact letter as in SAA, and you will send it certified mail on Wednesday to her. I would add in the NC letter she comes near your husband or your family is threatening and you will get a restraining order against her.

Next I would jump into Plan A. Prepare for Plan B ... make him your extraordinary precautions list, and tell him to remain married means you both will build trust and he can earn his by following these EPs.

trblintx,

Did you do what the Harley's suggested?

Here are some of the articles they were talking about.

Are Friend's a Threat to Your Marriage
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in your Marriage?
Coping with Infidelity: Beginning How do Affairs Begin
Honesty and Openness Part 2

Thank you for the articles. I emailed them to H last night. Here is how yesterday unfolded.

H was too busy in meetings at work to talk to me so I couldn't tell him how I ended up on the radio. We have the 3 kids so telling him at home after work and then trying to get him to listen to my segment would have delayed our discussions until at 9pm and we are just no good at discussing things that late. So I told him I would meet him at his office so DD could babysit and we could talk uninterrupted.

I brought him a plate of dinner since it was 6 pm and we talked briefly and unsuccessfuly about him only talking to me at work when he feels like it. You see, his business has always been #1 for him (he always says it has to grow for me and the kids). There was a time when he would work 80 hours a week and we wouldn't talk all day and he really expects to be in complete control of when he talks to me. He is so bad about thinking about me while at work that last month I discovered the reason he would text me at 11 am and 3 pm was due to an alarm he set. We didn't come to an agreement on the fact that if there is something i feel I need to tell him, that he should want to listen. I have rarely interrupted a meeting/phone call with him and his beloved clients. It is ridiculous that he was so mean and harsh about this.

So I tell him how I ended up on the show and we listen. He sits there and writes down every single word of the program. He is fuming, I can tell, but he's (unsuccessfully) trying to hide this fact. I can see it. I ask him what is on his mind at the moment and I can tell he doesn't want to say anything. Finally he starts talking about how they are implying that he had a PA and accusing him of it and he feels like he is on trial for a crime he never committed (PA). Well I told him that yes it was clear that the Harleys came to the conclusion based on what unfolded when I discovered the truth. And that if I polled 100 people and told them the same facts, 99 of them would draw the same conclusion. So it was time to get the truth out. He swore again that he didn't have a PA with her or anyone, ever. He used some story about how he feels like he's on trial for murder when all he did was steal a tv. ?? I really want to believe him. I do.

I cried a lot. I need him to see what he has done to me. I have been Plan A-ing him a lot and just don't show that it bothers me. But him receiving that email and he not telling me shows me that he wasn't following my EP.

We discussed how with his business he will do anything possible to achieve his goals, yet he won't finish the LB book. How he will pay $600 a month for a "life coach" for his business and he won't pay for counselling with Harley or the home study course. It shows me his priority is and always has been his business and not us. I told him that the job should serve the marriage, the marriage shouldn't serve the job. I also told him that perhaps it would be best for him to stay at a hotel so he can have the time he needs to finish the book. He said maybe I should stay at a hotel. HA! I told him I will never leave the house, that he's the one that had the EA and he will be the one leaving. I won't leave our house. What the heck? I was suggesting he leave so he can have time to read. Give me a break. Wayword fog!

Thanks for listening to me babble. Here is what we accomplished last night:

1. Made a personal boundaries list
2. Gave him a deadline of next weeked to finish LB book
3. He agreed that he will have no contact with OP and to tell me when she contacts him
4. He has agreed to do anything I want to make this work (although I get the sense that it is lip service)

He has not agreed to contact MB radio show with is side of the story, but I'm going to encourage it.

I'll ask some questions in my nest post. Trying to entertain a 3 year old this morning....thank you for all your support. It really is nice having you all to help me work through this mess that is my life.

TinT

Here is the boundaries we came up with. (Mostly me and him agreeing)Please give me feedback as I could add more or change wording now if I want to. Thanks.


PERSONAL BOUNDARIES WHEN DEALING WITH PERSONS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

5/8/2012

1) No personal friendships with members of the opposite sex unless family
2) Business relationships should be open and discussed
3) No texting with members of OS unless business related or after spousal agreement
4) No discussion of personal nature with members of opposite sex�..nothing too personal
5) Temptations should be openly discussed. Temptations mean there is something lacking.
6) Spouse should be told if person of OS is flirting with them

Here's our EPs...and there was no negotiation. This is what it took to keep me in our marriage.

1.) No contact ever again with Affair Partner
2.) Total Transparency:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Eliminate all social networking sites, except for shared FB account
3.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
4.) No intimate conversations with a female (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, etc)
5.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting. No �boobs or butts� comments ever.
6.) No terms of endearment of any kind, except for those in our immediate family.
7.) No business mentoring with a woman.
8.) Women must be at least an arm's length away.
9.) No porn, no �adult� clubs or shops, no chat rooms
10.) No nights apart.
11.) No recreational activities with the opposite sex.
12.) No interactive online games.

My FWH was always very friendly with women and developed increasingly sloppy boundaries over the years.

I thought that being a good wife to him was enough. It's not--the boundaries ALSO must be very tight to protect the marriage. Love banks must be securely closed, clamped shut against all other potential "depositors."

In short, my H continued to flirt over the years and allowed himself to become entangled several times, the last one leading to a full-blown physical affair that was devastating.

My H did grumble at first over these EPs, but these were non-negotiable. In time, he has become amenable to the thought of my checking his emails when I want. He says it actually really helps him to pay attention to how he communicates with women.

Your EP #5--it's natural to feel attraction to a member of the opposite sex. He should immediately let you know and then limit the interaction with that person.

Your EP #4--In my opinion, it's too weak. You need to state what's personal and then your H needs to learn to limit his conversations with women to only non-personal stuff.

The other thing we have done is to come up with scenarios; what-if situations: such as what if you're at work and an associate comes into your office distraught over some personal difficulty. What would you do? Then we come up with solutions.

The above are boundaries for dealing with persons of the opposite sex only.

I guess I need to lay out the EP's. Before I found MB I laid out some things in an email to help him regain my trust. I will dig those up and make them into a document with everyone's feedback and then send them to him.

I emailed him a summary of what was discussed last night (like his female life coach does for him after their phone calls), and he emailed this back to me: "Thanks for sending. Raw is a good term. Feeling pretty low and quite frankly this morning not really feeling very optimistic. Radical honesty. I want to just leave but am fully committed to work through this and be the husband you deserve."

What is your take on this?

Listen to these radio clips on a husband having an affair with his job.
Radio clip #1
Segment #2
Segment #3

I also agree you need to make his EP's tougher.

What did he say about MB coaching?

In response to him feeling like a criminal from your phone call with the Harleys you can say. "Honey they would love to hear your side of things so why don't you write them?"

He said he still thinks we are intelligent enough to work through the books and the "5 Steps" workbook we bought without the program. That's what he thinks.

I responded to his "just want to leave" email with this:

"Please tell me what it is that is making you want to just leave?"

Also he is having a mother's day luncheon today for some of his clients. He invited me to go a last week and I thought it was to treat me to a neat lunch at the spa. Turns out, last night he told me "my clients will like me better once they meet you and interact with you. I need you there." The clients bring prospects to the luncheon as well and he won't be there. He just wants me there representing him. After his "just want to leave" comment I don't want to have anything to do with him.

I know it is radical honesty and we've never followed that practice so I'm supposed to react how? I feel it is a ploy to get me to back down from the list he agreed on last night. Help! I'm so weak!! I feel like a chicken with my head cut off or like I'm juggling 100 balls right now trying to figure out what to do. All I want is him to start earning my trust back!

Hi TinT. I heard you on the show and wanted to post to you because this is a re-run of my own FWH.

First thing. Don't ask him to leave. You need to Plan A and that is very hard when you are not living together.

Install GPS and VAR on car, keylogger on computer, and spyware on his phone. Waywards love secret phones so a VAR in the car is a great way to catch this. DO THIS BEFORE YOU EXPOSE.

Have you read ML "Exposure 101"? It is at the bottom of her sig.

Never underestimate the power of the addiction. Your WH cannot break this addiction on his own. Also NEVER underestimate the lengths that an OW will go to get back her addiction.

Don't try to rationalize with a wayward. All they hear is blah blah.

You can beat this TinT...but you have to be smarter than DH. If his lips are moving, he is lying. Trust only what you can verify.