ok so I'm trying to work out if I can save our marriage after the A. Some days are getting easier to forget but then all of a sudden a thought pops into my head, which really upsets me & makes me angry towards h, but what I am not sure of is how the best way to deal with this without rediscussing or fighting with h. is there someone who has recovered who can give me some ideas on what to do on these dark days, what got u thru? can something so big ever really be forgotten?? can i really get over this?? will I be able to love him again??

I'm sorry kimono you're still hurting.

I know the struggles you've been having with the OW still trying to contact your WH.

You will heal when you're able to follow everything in recovery.

Did you guys get anywhere with the cops on your IVO?

Read this thread on helping you with memories.
Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

I know you don't want to hear this but time is the best medicine along with following the recovery path of MB.

Do you have ALL your questions answered about the affair?

Have you been to your doctor for some AD's? They helped me tremendously. We also would make new memories. I realized all the anger and hurt in me was just hurting me and so I wanted to create new memories.

hi brainhurts, thanks for replying thoselinks were a great read & hopefully I can put into practice.
we have had a friend give statment to police so there should be a court case, problem being we will have to face ow again, therefore she will start withdrawl again. there has been known contact of late,so am worried whats to come. You would think she would have better things to do now the h knows.
yes h has answered all my questions of the A. im ok with that side of things, it's more having memories of me shaving his back etc for her I'm assuming(for night in hotel)cant b 100% but this gets me thinking,remebering things of time of A.
I also find that H is not the right person to comfort me on the dark days
no havnt been to drs for ad, mainly because the ow took them & I dont want to be her,this may be wrong way of looking at it, but i think i will get thru without them

hi kimono. your Dday was very recent. you are going to have up and down days for awhile (sorry). grief is a process, and it does take time to get through.

i can tell you that yes, time does heal, especially if you have an H that is working to help heal you.

for me, i didn't talk to my H about my darkness - i learned that sometimes, talking about stuff didn't resolve my feelings, only made it harder for me. but that's me and my experience.

there is no shame in ADs. you've got to do what you can to help yourself.

hang in there. if you can just look at each day on its own, and hang on, eventually enough of them will string together to make enough distance.

((kimono))

I do understand what you're saying about not being like her and you aren't. Your kimono a woman who has lived her life with some dignity.

OW has no dignity. She was shagging a married man. She isn't any better than two pigs slopping in a pigpen.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about AD's.

I have a radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about AD's if you'd like me to find it?

Here they are my friend.

This woman was in such unbearable pain and wanted to commit suicide.

Please listen.
Radio Clip on Anti-depressant
Segment #2
Segment #3

Please tell me what you think.

Kimono,

Even though my FWH was diligently meeting me ENs and I his, there were many many times I woke up very sad or very angry, or terrible thoughts would invade in the middle of the day. I didn't take any ADs, but I really think it would have helped even things out just a bit. They are often needed only for a few months, just to get past the time of volatile emotions. I also highly recommend them. They won't make you feel drugged. There are some that are prescribed for both depression and anxiety that are very helpful. There were many times I found myself unable to sleep at night because of the thoughts. My heart was racing, and it was impossible to relax. Those were long long nights.

You are only a few months into recovery. Time is against you right now; I didn't feel better, truly better, for a year and a half.

Keep spending a minimum of 20 hours per week together meeting each other's ENs and avoiding LB. If you can swing it, going through the Online course is a great idea and is likely to be a tremendous help.

It will help when the OW goes away. The pain eventually fades, but forget? People don't forget this kind of pain; but they can eventually find a place of forgiveness. For me, that hasn't been reached yet, but I'm thinking time will help.

Be patient with yourself. And allow yourself to take a little medication to help you through this. You've been through a horrific experience.

"How to get thru bad days", the eternal question.

Time, like mentioned earlier, with your needs being met fully will help. If he is completely transparent and remorseful then I suggest you accept that for as good as gets in this early period after dday.

On my bad days I find something to keep myself very, very busy. I am a SAHM so if I have a bad day I have plenty of opportunity to wallow in it if I choose. To counteract that I just force myself to take up some big project or go do one of my hobbies to take my mind off of it. I also try not to spend time with H, which is probably contrary to popular belief here, only because I know it will be hard for me to at the very least not show him a cold shoulder. Figure its better to not be with him for an evening rather than to rehash or love bust.

Feelings follow actions.

Have an action to not lovebust and then follow it.

this is my exact feelings on my bad days, these are the lb days,so i have been avoiding h on these days until i am able to calm myself

am i looking in the wrong spot on site, is there a section on plan a-d??

Here's Plan A &B. What Are Plan A & B

You won't find a plan D, just mostly from posters with experience.

On your other thread there was a lot of information posted to you.
Do you have the book Surviving An Affair?

How To Survive Infidelity

yes i have read surviving an affair straight away we both have read. as well his needs her needs

What does your WH say when you tell him you're hurting and angry?

Can you go to your doctor for some ADs?

my h is says that he is hurt & hates what he done to me, when I;m feeling hurt. I think he struggles with my anger a little more, he feels that he's going out of his way to make it a good day every day, that I shouldnt be getting angry over things..........he really dosnt realize how hard this is to move past & pretending everyday is perfect is hard work, it's always in the back of the mind

some days I actually nearly forget my h fell in love with an ex again, other days I feel it will never go away I will always remember, will I ever be able to love him again??
I am a person who holds onto things for a long time, I do have a long memory for negative things in life........sometimes I think I'm putting off the inevitable, should I be going straight for divorce???

Have you been into see your doctor?

Can you afford the coaching center?

Please listen to these radio clips where the Harleys talk about regaining trust.
Radio segment on regaining trust
Segment #2