x4 ... you are still enjoying your ill-gotten gains. It would mean NOTHING because the perpetrator and accomplice are still doing the EXACT same behavior that started this mess.

Nothing except time has changed in this situation. The OP is only enough sorry to feel bad, not do the hard work to actually fix the cesspool she created.

Here is a suggestion.

Make a generous anonymous donation in EX-H's name to a charity you know your EX-H would support.

Send no letter to EX-H.
Never own up to anyone that you made the donation.

I like this.

Me too! X2! Very creative!

I agree with all the other poster in that you should leave your ex alone. What you seem to be exhibiting is NOT true remorse. You aren't sorry for what you've because you are not willing to stop. You are just sorry he got hurt while you embarked on your own selfish pursuits.

IMHO, only you will benefit from something such as an apology. If you want to make things right, leave your current husband and return to your former. If that isn't an option for you, leave him alone.

I think an apology can never be wrong. Once you apologize it is up to him to forgive you or not. I have WW which I would hope someday she would apologize. I don�t see that happening. But I think about it.

I would add this to your apology, it�s not only what he suffered then, but what he still suffers. Who gets married to later get a divorce? I think about that. I think about how my WW has changed my life so much�in a direction I never wanted to go. Each day is a life I never wanted, asked for or agreed too.

My 2 cents.

Skidman,
I understand what you meant but an apology is only as good as the efforts that follow to rectify the wrong. In this case, she continues to be with the affair partner and has no desire to give him up. That is not righting the wrong. Words mean nothing without action!

And now .... May I present some perspective !!!!!

I went into Skidman's wallet when he was not looking.
I relieved Skidman of 3 $20 bills.
I then went away, used the $60, and did not speak to Skid.
Now, 4-5 years later, my conscience nags me.
I want to sent an apology to Skid that I stole his $60 bucks.
I wrote an apology letter to Skid, and I mailed it.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel better.
Less violated.
Less naive.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel safer.
I hope my apology makes Skid feel less used.



I think the following is far more important than an apology ....

In fact ....

For more on this excellent subject of making amends, rent the 2007 movie Atonement. Based on the novel by Ian McEwan.

Ruining a life (lives) is not without consequences.

Think about POWERFUL words like amends and atonement and just compensation ..... compare with the easy-breesy; "I just want to say I am sorry.".

Weigh the value of "I just want to say" .... compare that level of effort to what it takes to offer an amends, an atonement, or just compensation.

MTL - there is no dignity or sincerety in what you want to do. It is about making you feel better. Put yourself in his shoes - how would you feel getting a letter from yourself, a WW who is married to her OM?

I would read it and just say 'whatever'...

Instead, please take Pep's advice in heart and think about it.

Pep, you are a wise-wise woman!

My two cents ... don't send the letter of apology. He has obviously moved on. I don't want an apology from my XWH who also married his affair partner. There are no words that will compensate me for the immense pain he caused. I've moved on and hearing from him about any regrets he might now have would be like digging into old wounds with a dull knife.

The circumstances are different, but years ago I had a close friend who went through the 12-step program of AA. One of those steps includes making ammends to those you've hurt. So one day my old friend called to tell me he had to make ammends to me. He apologized for specific incidents where he had caused me emotional pain. He had a laundry list of specific incidences. He went through the whole list followed by words that included "sorry" and "regret." Then he hung up. I had forgotten about a number of those incidents and found myself pretty upset over being reminded of them. In fact, I was upset for days to come and was angry that he had dumped all of his old baggage on me out of the blue. It was almost as hurtful as the first time around.

I would agree with you, if she were presently a wayward spouse having an affair. She is not, but now married her affair partner. That said, some things that are done cannot be undone. A murderer cannot bring the dead back to life but only express sorrow to those who have been hurt.

I think Marriage Builders teaches the marriage is first. While she chose to play the harlot in her last marriage, the fact is, she is now again married. She must now put that first. The guilt, shame and remorse she has express, is probably having an effect in her present marriage. An apology to her betrayed ex, will probably help her go forward with the choice she has made. The Bible also teaches, she can now never go back to her ex-husband. Deuteronomy 24:1-4

After reading about your situation Skid, I understand why you are so adamant when it comes to defending a M that started as a affair. This one hits close to home, doesn't it?

Do you know what "comes before" marriage?

This cannot be allowed to pass. You are either out of your mind or in an affair marriage yourself.

I'm sorry to sound cynical but it sounds to me like this could lead to an affair with your ExH. You should not be contacting men you have had a previous relationship while you are married.

Perhaps. However, it could be something else. Maybe it is what I said. How about you address that. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 provides:

"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord...."

So there it is. That is why. Now I understand all that has been said about atonement, etc. But given the scripture, is it allowed to return? I just don't see it that way, but please tell me why I am wrong.

MTL,

I'm going to suggest you send the apology and then never contact him again.

Frankly I wish my W would give me an apology it would make it easier for me to forgive and forget.

The most she has done, and this was just a few weeks ago, was to say that some of the "things she did" might have caused me to become jealous and distrustful.

God Bless
Gamma