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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Deal with your garbage or get out of the dump. Don't ask how to turn it back into your rose garden mirage now that the stench has come through. That's so funny.I thought of a very similar metaphor after posting earlier. I thought 'They built the affairage on a foundation of torn-out hearts and only now realise its squidgy and unsteady underfoot with bloodstains starting to seep through.' Its so obvious that now the spell is beginning to wear off, they see the pain and sacrifice and trail of devastation behind them more clearly. Which is EXACTLY why a BS is told to Plan B - remove themselves as the 'blame' let them turn on each other, let it topple so the wayward can see the mess and shame for themselves. She thinks that if she can just get her BH to be cool with her, be 'understanding' (plan C and enabling)that will remove the bloodstains from the marriage. The stench, as you put it. She believes she will get the magic back in the affairage by sponging this part clean. Rewrite history, make it a marriage that began the right way. And not to mention get a bit of cake eating in with the hubby who met her needs better than OM. And why should BH help HER do that? You can't rewrite or sponge clean an affairage any more than you can unspill blood.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
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Excellent advice here. Thanks all.
I can see that amends are crucial in this and will be thinking of ways I can make amends to my BH.
Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Its so obvious that now the spell is beginning to wear off, they see the pain and sacrifice and trail of devastation behind them more clearly. Nah...they don't "SEE" anything outside of themselves. It's THEIR pain they are hoping to soothe. They think...maybe an apology will make THEM feel better. It's all about them after all. Mr. W p.s.- An added bonus of apologizing will be found if and when the xBS wants nothing to do with them or their apology. Then, once again, they can celebrate their divorce from such an obviously bitter, angry and unforgiving person. Either way...they win.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650 |
Its so obvious that now the spell is beginning to wear off, they see the pain and sacrifice and trail of devastation behind them more clearly. Nah...they don't "SEE" anything outside of themselves. It's THEIR pain they are hoping to soothe. They think...maybe an apology will make THEM feel better. It's all about them after all. Yes this is true. They don't see the whole pile of broken hearts, just the bits that bloodsplatter on to their fantasy. I think the way Dr H puts it is that after alienating so many, it puts pressure on the A to be 'worth it' which of course it isn't. p.s.- An added bonus of apologizing will be found if and when the xBS wants nothing to do with them or their apology. Then, once again, they can celebrate their divorce from such an obviously bitter, angry and unforgiving person. Either way...they win. Yes! But sadly no amount of make up or applause or even BS forgiveness turns a pig in a dress into a princess.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
This cannot be allowed to pass. You are either out of your mind or in an affair marriage yourself. Perhaps. However, it could be something else. Maybe it is what I said. How about you address that. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 provides: "If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord...." So there it is. That is why. Now I understand all that has been said about atonement, etc. But given the scripture, is it allowed to return? I just don't see it that way, but please tell me why I am wrong.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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