During the past few weeks I have honestly felt stressed with what could be a lifechange for me even at my advanced age .. well I say that with sort of tongue in cheek because I'm only 69 *s*. But anyway, it's nothing bad or harmful but challenging is the best I can put it. Raised and am Catholic, but like alot I didn't practice for several years until the last couple. Only reason I have is that in my 30's thru 60s it didn't seem convenient or comfortable to me to do so except off and on until a few years ago. When you kind of approach death that kind of happens that you try to go back. Well things change even when you do not want them to. I got to know my pastor simply by getting back and of course the confession and but also doing some volunteering and disclosing in one of my confessions that I did not feel I'm doing enough now for free since I am semi-retired. He knows about my wife Char's situation also. Well a couple of weeks ago he blurted out would you consider applying to become a deacon. So, that is what I am really struggling with now. I met with him for an interview along with a deacon last Thurs. This is why I have not been on here for last several days because I wanted this interview, but was afraid of it.

I reveived forms and instructions because Fr. Joe and the deacon felt there is a reason to go forward. I have to tell you tho that I told one of my best friends about this and the interview when I went to dinner with him and his wife earlier in week and typical of Dr. J ( just my nickname for him since weve been friends for a long time - he calls me Mr. T) he advised me to dye my hair because it is almost pure white now (picture an older Clint Eastwood). He is a very very good person but now that his job has been eliminated he is very sensitive to age discramination when you are in job search so he was attempting to give me good advice. We ended with a good laugh in that I would be applying for a job but that IF I did apply I am not worried about the 'employer' discriminating.

It would be a long road. I know it takes about 3 to 4 years of study and service in good health etc. I would be almost dead by then ! *s* But serioulsy, whether this works out or not, if I even applied it would be up to Him. The big ? is Char and priest asked me this. The wife has to agree and promote any candidacy. Char is Methodist by baptism but we had a sacaramental M in the church. There is no way that I would let myself to have this upset her if I agreed to be evaluated. Char is the most honest open woman I have ever known. I know when I told her this a couple of weeks ago she was upset because she didn't understand how this would affect us. So, if she says no it is no and if she says yes then I will have to search my conscience if He wants me and how would I handle it. She is vascilating and after I talked with her today and as with her she asked me "how much will you have to work" and "I suppose you'll wnat me to got there now", etc. etc.

This is going to take a long while but I just feel this is a different time for me now.

Thanks,

Tom

Tom, what a GREAT opportunity for you! I certainly hope Char gives you her enthusiastic support. Keep us informed here, my friend.

ETA: As you get deeper into the studies, you'll learn the requirements for beatification. I doubt that your pronouncement on 03 April, of "Saint MaritalBliss" qualifies!

Tom, you have been given the Call! Congratulations! Let us know as you make your decision and begin your process.

t/j
I'm gonna pray for you, you hide-bound sinner, you.

Well done, Tom.

I'm gonna pray for you, you hide-bound sinner, you.
At last - support for MY side!

Well NG marital is one of those silent saints - giving when she can and balancing her other obligations. No miracles yet on her part, but ya never know..*s*

I haven't talked to my pastor since last week, but am going to confession Sat. and will talk again with him and tell him I want to but I have questions. The stuff to fill out isn't a problem, like age and married in the church, my history (altho I am an alcoholic), are our kids baptized, and work history and volunteer stuff and mainly why someone like me would even consider this. And then permission and agreement from my wife for this and that even with this we will stay married. Despite out situation of being apart Char told me other day she agrees and will do what she needs to IF we can be reunited here in the Chicago area, which I think we can rather than me moving there and even if she has to move back to cold weather.

Marital right now for me the most important thing before I ever attempt to apply is for me to feel comfortable in the long road - service, volunteer stuff, for years, and if I'm fit to do it and am up to it. So that is where I am now just contempatng and pryaing lots.

Yom

So hush, NG

Only you can answer that, friend. What are your thoughts?

So hush, NG

MB, YOU'RE the silent saint, remember? I'm the raucous sinner!

I kind of figured that 'hushing' would be a bit of a stretch for you!

wow, just very tired tonight. I feel I could sleep thru the night until about 8 am tomorrow. Think it's partly my leg hurts now more back of my leg than the knee and think I again overdid it a little so am going to have supper and use ice and watch a movie til time for bed. It's also did the volunteer shift at local library today. It's called 'shelf reading' NG and it's about going thru shelves one at a time an making sure the books are arranged by Dewey Decimal system order - i.e., to correct books looked at and put back by patrons out of order. I will tell you what tho, it may seem like a simple thing, but if it's something I can do to help them I am very happy to. Only thing is my eyes wear out after trying to distinguish between 338.337838 and 338.337938. It's one of my jobs now and I am committed. The people I've met there are absolutely great and this is going to work out. This is part of the 'misnistry' or volunteer things my pastor and I talked about a couple of weeks ago, but I had planned to volunteer quite awhile before that.


There are a couple of amazing things NG, the first is that I inquired around back in Feb. in my area about volunteering and hardly any response, even from Catholic Charities. So, I was disappointed. But then a few weeks ago opportnities started flooding in. The library sitch was from my own inquiry, but there are just a lot of other things now. One of the things is next week an interview with a gal at an area horticultural garden and museum looking for volunteers to do gardening and working in a greenhouse. I love gardening, have grown tomato plants and geraniums (two of them are now two years old overwintered), so yea! I may be able to offer something and also learn something. To even begin the process tho of what I now feel a calling for does require working directly with people in some ministry - the homeless, young adults, those in need of services, etc. The one thing that I have been advised on is discernment - trying to match your talents with the need and not just hop into something for the sake of trying to help. This is something I am still evaluating in my own mind.

I think that marital told you to 'hush up' and those words remind me of a joke that Fr. Tony Ricard told at our parish mission several weeks ago: A prayful old woman always knelt outside on the steps of the church each morning to say the rosary. She always arrived early in the morning and her priest never woke up in time to unlock the church. One morning there were workers up on a scaffold painting the church. She didn't notice them. One of the workers thought to tease her and yelled down "Hello down there". She didn't seem to notice and kept praying. So, the guy shouted down again "Hello down there, how are you". Again, no response from the prayful old lady. This time the worker wanting to get a reaction yelled down "Hello down there , this is Jesus". This time without even looking up the prayerful woman shouted back "Hush up! I'm talking to your Mom!"

Tom

So this burglar breaks into a house, and starts rifling through drawers getting jewelry, etc. Suddenly, a voice rings out: "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar looks around sees no lights on and chalks it up to nerves. Suddenly the voice returns: "Jesus is watching you and will have retribution!"

Now the burglar looks more thoroughly, and sees a parrot in a cage in the corner. He says, "Hello Mr Parrot! What's your name?"

The parrot answers, "My name is Joshua."

The burglar asks, "What kind of person names a parrot "Joshua" ?"

Says the parrot, "The kind of person who names his attack pinscher "Jesus". Good luck!"

NG, that one is good!

My heart is heavy tonight. Lots to consider now and my mind is spinning. Tomorrow is the feast (or Sunday) in my liturgy that I now value most - divine mercey sunday - even over Christmas or Easter in my own mind. It's not this day that I dread because I went to confession today, but in my confession today to prepare for tomorrow had what I would say the most meaningful discussion with the priest I have ever had. The thing I disclosed which I haven't here is that I have come to realize that Char and I can never live together, except if I am disabled and need nursing care in the same facility. There is too great a risk to both of us and perhaps others even in our own house, or in a condo or an independent living center. This is an evaluation I have picked up on from several others and I've realized it myself the last two years even tho I tried to fight for living together. However, I haven't been honest or direst with Char even over that last year because I have been too cowardly to directly tell her this. So in that I have kept her hopes alive that we can live together again and I sort of defer and dodge and weave and I am not proud of that. I was hoping she would realize this on her own without me directly telling her. So, the good father advised me I need to address this sooner than later and that means ASAP even tho she will be angry resentfull and accusatory. He assured me something that seems strange that it doesn't affect my interest in serving the church, but that it does affect my peace of mind in trying to help others. He honestly told me that he feels I am a person with integrity but my wife's situation shows on my face.

Well NG, tonight I feel alot of pain. I am not despondent or anything like that because tomorrow's feast in my belief offers forgiveness directly from Christ. However I do realize that even with that assurance, it is not an invitation to trip back to where you were, but to keep progressing in faith and honestly even tho painful.

I sometimes wish that the younger ones who come here facing the pain of adultery could realize that there are other (older) people too who face the pain of loss and uncertainty.

Thanks,

Tom

(((Tom)))

I do hope tomorrow at Mass you will find some peace. Peace be with you.

The revelation of the future limitations on your life with Char, if you accept it and understand it as part of the Plan for you, is actually a gift, Tom. It may not be painless to absorb, but knowing, and acting on, what is best for a marital couple has always been a part of spousal duties.

Tom, I too went to Mass yesterday morning and was almost knocked of my seat by the Deacon's talk. Referring to your Doubting namesake, he was speaking to the actions, and beliefs of people who have lost faith in what the Plan is for their lives. "Some ask, why do I have heart problems, or suffer cancer? Why should I suffer marital issues?"

Well, basically he just described my life from 2006-9! Bride knew the impact on me, squeezed my hand, and cried.

I once heard faith described as belief in something in spite of all evidence to the contrary. You and I have the advantage of experience to bolster our faith. Too many "graybeards" employ experience to refute the value of faith.

Your new opportunity speaks to your faith in having something to give to others, personally and vitally. You will, I believe (have faith?), someday have impact on people as our deacon did yesterday on me.

The revelation of the future limitations on your life with Char, if you accept it and understand it as part of the Plan for you, is actually a gift, Tom.

Hi NG,

Well ya know you're probably right. Sometimes it's just discouraging tho because alot of us, including me, already have our lives planned out!

You're message is appropriate for me at this time. Haven't felt like being on here or being able to sit in the chair long enough to due to the hamstring thing coming back. Apparently I pushed too hard from the last time and a relapse now. So have had to stay down since last Wednesday.

I did talk to my W last weekend and try to explain as best as I could that we're not simply going to be able to live as we did and why I feel she needs the care she is getting now even tho we can't be together. Surprisingly NG she didn't react as I thought and just told me that she felt I had come to this awhile ago. There was not any blame or anything like that just sort of sadness that this is our situation. She told me that she understood why I was holding out for hope and that that is the way I am up until the last minute. We ended by just discussing how we can at least see each other more and be together with her here and I am working on that. That is the toughest part because IL is the most backward state in the nation in terms of any kind of assistance or development, especially for the elderly and those with mental illness. There are options tho.

Ya know NG, your description of faith is good, but I think it also implies something additional that is stressed here for a marriage - Trust. I feel that faith involves a trust - that altho we all in some way feel pain or discomfort in our lives, that it is not in vain, but that for each of us, it is an important part of God's infinite Plan, even tho we are oblivious to it for awhile. We fall down yea. I did - in cursing and swearing and getting hyper and all that last week when I couldn't sit or stand or lay down or relax at all without feeling pain in my leg. Ya know what NG, I happened to have this thought at that time that there are so many feeling more pain than I am so who am I? I recall sort of a nentimental story from several years ago when I was in treastment about the footprints in the sand on a beach. About seeing only one pair of footprints in the sand of Christ carrying the poor guy who was suffering (from somthing). My faith tells me there should be two pairs of footprints - one limping, another walking tall and strong, but both sets of prints moving forward.

Well anyway, am recovering I sort of am getting to like evening TV with my leg up and watching Honeymooner, Twilight, etc.

Take care,

Tom

Just an update on me...

I felt good today after giving away a couple of geraniums to a couple of elderly neighbors here. These are just tiny things but the people seemed happy and that's enough for me. They are a year old and am happy that I was able to overwinter them and they are starting to grow again now. The weather in the Chicago area is unseasonably warm now, so am out today starting outdoor gardening. I bought a few new ones today, and it just makes me feel revived that I can anticipate new plants to grow and that the older ones have a new home.

Tom

I am just happy to say that after a week and half of struggling with my leg injury that today I feel I have finally been able to walk and functuion w/o severs pain. I was able to bring plants outside today and planted a few new ones without alot of pain. This ordeal has taught me one thing - I need to give back as best as I can and while I am stil able to in the most simple way. Just my belief.

Tom

You're doing so well, Tom. What's happening with your call to minister?

Tom, how are you doing with the opportunity to become a Deacon?

The reason I ask is that a friend of mine is going to be ordained as one this evening here in NY. He gave the homily at this morning's Mass, and said, "Tonight, I'll not be worried that the Bishop might tell me 'No'; I'm worried he might say 'Yes'!"

Hoping things are well with you, my friend!

Hi NG. I'm progressing. I've had talks now with my Pastor, an assistant from another parish, and deacon in my parish. Nothing exceptional but just seems lots like a job interview is all I can say. Our deacon really impressed me with his story can calling. It's really amazing because he felt a calling to the Priesthood as did I. He felt that in his 20's and I was 18 and did go to a seminary for two years. He told me that his feeling to do this was just too much time taking and not giving back and that sevreal years ago he heard and felt something that he should give back. My application has been submitted, but these interviews are all a part of the process. I know that they are looking at me and i am looking at them. As far as time NG we are talking about at least hhree years - time at Mary of the Lake seminary sudying and time demonstrating my worth in this. The studies are emphasized NG because w/o that you cannot represent His Church! I would have to begin my education in Sept. of this year at the seminary. We will see, but it isn't scary.

Marital - just going to be a long process. From what I have heard back is only two concerns are age and if and how much I may be distracted or interrupted by my wife's situation, and those are legimate concerns. So, this is not up to me really, altho I do desire to do this, it's up to Christ and if this is really a true calling. Is all I can say now. Thanks Marital.

Tom