First post, need prayer, support and advice.

The GOOD: I am a BS, 51, committed Christian, been at same job for 18 years and been married to the same woman for 22 years. My WW, is 45, a committed Christian home-school teacher SAHM. We have 3 beautiful children, ages 4, 11, 15. My WW wife is full of life, sexy, great mom & teacher & used to be a great W. I'm in love with my WW. I will have to confess that I'm a peacemaker at heart and probably robbed our marriage of some positive growth by not resolving conflict properly. I guess that's a fancy way of saying "I got steamrolled." My family is extremely important to me, and as I look back, maybe God is trying to show me that I have placed them ahead of Him in some regards.

WW is charming, witty, and intelligent. WW, being a Psych major in college also wins most arguments. WW has a controlling and sometimes self-serving personality to say the least. In fairness this probably manifests itself because her mother was sick most of WW's childhood and died when WW was a teenager. WW's father was distant because of constantly taking care of WW's mom. Also believe that WW is carrying around an unresolved burden of guilt over not being there for her mom the last few weeks of her life.

The BAD: 2008 brought with it the perfect storm. The WW, age 40, had just given birth to our youngest son. Raging hormones collided with a big MLC. This is purely conjecture on my part because I'm not a Psych major or anything like that. Soon after, the WW became heavily involved in Facebook, browsing and chatting almost constantly. Then spring of 2009 the WW gave me the "I'm not in love with you, just want to be civil, I want a divorce" talk. Well, I knew what that was about but didn't have any proof. I called our Sunday School teachers and was told I was just too jealous and that the WW had agreed not to call an attorney if I would move out till we both got our individual issues resolved. I moved out to a friends house and only came home on the weekends to be with the kids while WW worked on her problems over at her sisters on the weekends. I would put a ha ha after that last sentence but I'm not much into laughing these days.

After 6 weeks of this I asked WW if she would like to go out of town for a Love and Respect seminar. WW reluctantly agreed. During breakout session with just the two of us, I told WW that I empathized with WW's feelings of being emotionally neglected. WW said she had been validated in her negative feelings toward me. Needless to say we left early. At least WW enjoyed the shopping. On the way home, I announced that I was moving back into my house.

After 3 years, WW's love and affection for me have dwindled to zilch. There were also many close calls in catching her: I discovered a pay-as-you-go-phone that the WW said was our toddlers play phone. It was quickly destroyed in a tug-of-war. I guess it turned out to be mommies play phone. Another time in a crowded restaurant, I picked up the iphone that I had just bought the WW and was looking at some photos of our son. Another tug-of-war ensued and not wanting to cause a scene, the BS peacemaker let go. On a few other occasions I caught WW quickly closing windows on the computer late at night. During all of this time, I've been told that the problem is me, because I'm broke inside and need to be fixed, or I'm selfish for wanting sex, or I'm always in a bad mood, or I'm not grateful for all of the great things (crumbs) thrown my way.

Last November, I found some instant messages on her phone to the OM. He was calling her the same nickname that I had called her. How bizarre. I confronted, WW confessed and I phoned the OM. I called one of our pastors at church and he agreed to help us. We "drew a line in the sand" where I couldn't bring it up if she agreed to stop the adultry.

During all of this time my WW has been telling the kids about BH's mood swings, tearing BH down to people at church, and generally portraying BH in a bad light. My LBs: I've said a few stupid things out of disgust in the last three years and have emotionally withdrawn in the past when WW would start to get too controlling, but I have always been faithful, come home to be with the family after work and yes even love WW despite being treated like crap.

Come April the WW is still on Facebook and the other old patterns of unaffection continued. I extracted some backup files from her iphone and found some interesting conversations about secret meetings with the OM as well as one to a mutual friend who was told not to come by the house because BH is crazy and has been emotionally abusing the WW for years. I confronted again. I had my WW tell our two oldest children. That was not received well at home or church. WW does not love me it is obvious.

Last Monday I told WW that WW was destroying herself, our family and the OMs family. Throughout all of this the WW has shown no remorse and is only sorry that she got caught. My dear WW, the woman that has pledged her eternal love for me, the mother of my children, my soul-mate, best-friend and lover has deceived, lied, manipulated and schemed me for so long that I've started to question my sanity. Its almost like she has been overtaken by a visitor from another world. The OM lives out of town, but comes in once a month for a few days. Apparently he went to college with my wife and they reconnected on Facebook. I got a speceo account and found out he is married with two children. He is an investment banker. I am a starving artist.

WW is now at a friends house with the children and not speaking. I deserve better, but I don't think I can ever make her happy. I want desperately to keep the family together. The affair has been exposed to WW's family, my family, friends and people at church. My financial situation is bleak. With me being sole-provider working two jobs, the money is tight. I can't afford a custody battle, and if we got the D, I don't know how we all could afford to live. WW's friend that my family is living with just went through a nasty D herself and is telling me that the best thing for us and kids is a no fault $400 D.

I have changed the locks on the house. I've talked to a lawyer. I feel abandoned, miss my family, but haven't lost hope. God will see us through, I just hope in the end we are all together. I need some help.

Welcome and sorry for your pain.

You need to expose this to OM's BW and family. Find him on facebook and expose him.

It's your house (good job for not leaving your home) get your kids back in your house.

Read this to help you expose to OM's BW and friends and family.
Exposure 101

One more thing your WW did not have a MLC. She's having an affair.

Read what Dr. Harley says on this.
Requirements for Recovery

Brain Hurts is right. Around here- we don't give credence to the myth of the mid life crisis ( research it- and you'll see psychs don't, either).

Your wife is behaving this way because she has been in an affair. She has been badmouthing and rewriting your history because she needs to in order to justify her behavior.

And I would refrain from classifying her as a "committed Christian" right now. Her behavior shows otherwise.

Start reading up on Plan B. You seem to have launched into it- but a refresher of the high points will help.

Also? You need to get your children home- and give not one penny in financial support to your WW. Right now? If you are bankrupting yourself to pay for her to run away with your children- you are financing her affair. You need to knock that off immediately.

And don't listen to her "friend" on the no fault 400$ divorce. She isn't your friend, either. She's an accomplice.

And for the love of peanut butter- expos� the other man. To his wife, to his family, to his friends. Now.

He won't leave his wife for yours. So throw cold water on that.

First post, need prayer, support and advice.

More importantly, you need a "call to action".

With the WW already out of the house, your only chance to restore your marriage (and it's an infinitesimally small chance) is to expose to the entire worlds of WW and her OM. Families, friends, the entire congregation, etc, etc. It may turn out that HIS turning his back on WW, to retain his own situation, is what turns this around. Investment bankers are not well known for happily losing a major chunk of their assets in their own divorce action.

In the meantime, get your (well paid) lawyer working for you, because you're also in "divorce prep" mode. You need to know the marital laws in your jurisdiction. Is "infidelity" a cause for filing? Will the fact of its existence work in your favor as regards financial settlement and child custody? Are you lucky enough to live in an "alienation of affection" jurisdiction, enabling YOU to sue OM?

WW is a SAHM, right? Well, last I checked, she ain't "AH" so there's no reason to give her any financial support. Cut off all her access to funds and accounts. Cancel her credit cards. Is the vehicle she's driving in your name? Pull the insurance and registration. When she squeals like a stuck sow, calmly explain that actions have consequences for adults. Suggest that maybe the well-off OM she's been boning will supply her new wheels!

(As a really sneaky tactic, investigate what are the controlling agreements surrounding the home-schooling contract in place? If the children are not at home, does that violate her authorization to withhold them from classes?)

Lastly, dude, consider whether the best Walkin_Tall that can exist, the one that will bring WW back (admittedly initially kicking and screaming), best goes through life as a self-described "starving artist". It's your call, my friend, but quite possibly WW might have a different preference.

You're getting great advice.

MLCs are a myth. Everyone, at any age, is hard-wired to fall prey to the addiction of an affair. She flirted, she liked it, she liked it some more, then realised she was getting in a bit deep and her conscience was in the way. So then the guilt caused her to rewrite her entire personality and moral rules so she could carry on with the fun. She gets in deeper still and then she rewrote the marriage history with you as the bad guy.

Bust up her addiction and the personality of the former wife may still be there. But I may warn you, they go through a 'hardening' process. The longer you do nothing the more you lose her.

Addictions only shrivel and die in the light - so stop keeping their affair in the darkness of secrecy is causing the A to entrench deeper. Instead tell everyone and get everyone to urge her to drop it, kind of like an intervention.

He is probably an internet predator with no intention of leaving his wife, so nuclear expose on his side too to get the best results. And warn his poor BW of course.

Let us help you with an Exposure plan before you act so it is effective.

I have done a Spokeo search and found quite a bit of info on the OM and his family. The phone number that I keep dialing is a land line. I cant get anyone to answer. But anyhow my WW bride has already cleared the matter up for me in the past. When Ive asked, she double-dog swears that the OM's BW already knows.

Apparently WW and OM have been commnunicating through Facebook's private chat; however I cant find his account. My WW has defriended him and she keeps changing her password. Spokeo will bring up every social site account available if you search using a person's: email or name or address or phone number. When I key those in I come up with zilch. She also has other email accounts through yahoo, google+, etc. I cant keep up with them all.

It would take a full time staff to investigate all of this mess. But I do have her iphone if anyone knows any good forensic stuff. I know that I would probably have to jailbreak her phone to get to the firmware to view the deleted files and recover the passwords. I have already looked through her iphone backups and have seen more than I wanted too.

As to the children, I am beginning to think that the WW is getting a taste of being on her own with children and without income. I just gave her a check for $325.00 for gas and food.Today, 2 days later I go by the friends house to get the kids and go to park and eat lunch. The WW is gone, the WW's friend is leaving and tells me that WW needs more money. My sister had a brilliant idea and told me to take what the kids needed (like food instead of money).

I think WW will be upset when she finds out that I cut her off and jailbroke her phone. Or on second thought, I don't think she really cares. Its starting to look like she already took out of me all that she needed. I've got nobody else to blame but myself. Maybe God will intervene and change her hardened heart.

Walkingtall, exposure is your best weapon against the affair. I would start with the OMs wife and spread out from there. Please read the link in my signature about how to do this properly.

Hmm yeah we've never heard that before.

Waywards lie. They pretty much never have time for truthful statements.

Even if BW does know (let me guess, she's also a horrible person who doesnt care about him?) she is likely to be a great ally for you and can keep watch on her side of things.



It's likely he expects you to manage your own business as far as you can. Tell the truth to all the people who are being deceived by this affair. OMW is exposure target no 1.

A keylogger on the computer should reveal his FB page. Keep trying that landline.

Read the link in MLs signature to put together a good exposure plan. Rembember you need to expose all in one day so the 'intervention' crashes down on both of them all at once.

Dont give them time or space to gaslight people one by one.

I've read enough on these boards to second this. And in real life, I have experienced this myself and witnessed it with friends and family.

Even in one sitch where the BH suspected, there is a HUGE difference from suspecting, worrying, driving oneself crazy with doubt to being hit head on with the truth.

Do the right thing. Expose to OM's BW. Let her know. Ask for her support in monitoring NC. You can't control her response. But you can KNOW you asked and did the best you could. Besides, she has a right to the truth. Ensure she gets it.

Unless the BW is unconscious and or trapped under something heavy and cannot move, she doesn't know.

Tell her. Even if you have to UPS yourself to her front door.

WT,

You�re in huge danger in terms of your rights as a father and your conflict avoiding nature will ensure that you have little to no access to the kids.

Here�s my advice:

Take your evidence and expose the affair to everyone that matters. That is the number one way to kill it. Start with OMW.

Then, after doing that, file for abandonment and a motion that the he children be returned to the marital home and that you have sole physical and legal custody. Request CS from her.

Then follow the advice given on Plan A, Plan B if necessary.

Filing for abandonment doesn�t mean you�re getting a D.

If you do D, then she needs to get a job and she will have to share her time with the kids. I can tell you right now that $400 isn�t going to do it. She�s looking for the cheapest way out. $400 might do it if you don�t have kids and haven�t been married long, but that simply isn�t reality and if you play into it you will pay out the nose for CS and alimony and be totally broke while she gets to carry on her new life with OM.

The ONLY way you can save your marriage is by taking action, not by hoping.

The Lord helps those who help themselves. If you�re bleeding out from an artery you don�t pray to make it stop. You take action to make it stop.

You need to take action. Conflict avoidance will get you nowhere.

Finally, you need to start calling the shots. She has no right to the kids anymore than you do. You can set your foot down that the kids will not be taken out of the home and you have the legal right to do that. Now file to ensure the law falls on your side. If you let her call the shots, then your fate is already decided.

Please read helpthelostdads post again to legally protect yourself.

If you have information on OM why do you need to look at her phone more? Here is help though. Iphone help

You need to expose to OM's wife ASAP She can help kill the affair and bring your wife out of lala land.

You're in Plan A so please read this.
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
You need both carrot and stick.

Please read this like everyone is advising Exposure 101 your most powerful weapon

Repeated for emphasis. OM are also total losers who are not fit to be around children.

She's an addict and is not to be trusted, right now.

Maybe God is putting MB (plans) in your path to offer you a choice to change your approach.
Ever think of that?
Maybe God's intervention can change you!
Maybe God wants you to fight evil and sin like a hero/warrior.



In my sig line, there is a link to my Carrot/Stick thread.
Please click on it and read about how a carrot makes you attractive while a stick makes the affair less attractive.

Maybe God will intervene and change her hardened heart.

Or maybe his intervention is dependent on your leading the charge. What goes on, WT? Anything we can do to assist?

So was Jesus, and He kicked some serious [censored] at the temple when the money-changers showed up. There is a time of accounting when someone goes over the line.. Jesus demonstrated that. Don't waste your time alleviating her guilt. We've all got baggage from childhood. That doesn't equate to having an affair as an adult. You need to lose that fallacy. She's a big girl, now. She decided to have an affair - that's not a result of her childhood. (I am a betrayed spouse who suffered childhood sexual and physical abuse - I didn't have the affair, my husband did.)

I would suggest that you retain a tough attorney and get your kids back home.

Have you exposed this affair to everyone who is important in your WW's life?

I'm worried that he is waiting for God to do something. I don't think he's figured out that God already has - He led him here.

Here's what Dr. Harley says about past or childhood reasons for an affair.