If you have his address why don't you go there and tell him?That's what I did.

Have you tried this?
Trying to figure out identity

TinT. At the same time, your own needs were not being met by your WH...yet you did not have an affair. Ignore the fog babble.

The biggest mistake I made was not to install the spyware. Don't make the same mistake I made. Do this BEFORE exposure.

This worries me that he is talking about leaving over a MC session.

The OP lives 5 hours away. The OP travels frequently and comes to our area to mentor her people in her territory. Or I should say she did. H just told me he heard on a conference call that after she left the mentorship program that brought she and my H together, she is now hired on for another franchisee with the company and doing what my H did and she is now a marketing person for this franchisee in their city 5 hours away. H says this new development should not mean that they should have any contact. So to reveal to him in person would be hard. Now my DD is in a sports tournament in this city the first weekend of June, so I will be in that town, but I don't see how I could do anything with her there with me. Or maybe I could. If I send something certified mail to him, would the OP be able to intercept it and read it.

Also, my fear about exposing to the OP's H is that it will prompt her to contact H again and go off on him and this would make him very mad at me and we would have a major setback. I'm scared to do this. I think he'll pack it in then for sure, shut down. He hasn't had any contact with her since 2/22 when I told him to send a letter to her to not text him or contact him via cell phone and change to relationship to strickly business. She never replied to the email. Even though she was still being paid as his mentor she quit calling and mentoring. Then she dropped out (quit) before the program completed. I consider this a red flag since it ended this way.

I am considering going ahead and telling my parents because since this has unfolded I really haven't talked to them a lot because I don't want them to know something is seriously wrong with me/us. I also am protecting them from pain since Dad is so ill with cancer. What a mess. I also do want his parents to know, but am afraid he'll turn it on me like his does in his mind and it will cause them to dislike me.

Please help me fully understand why at this point I should expose.

I think you are right and I hope I can find a way to get alone so I can do this. Also have to do my research. I want to put a VAR in the car and I want to put a keylogger on his work laptop. I need to find a program that won't be detected by his work security system. He is in a business that I'm wondering if that is even legal since I would then have access to bank account numbers and personal info on his clients. I snooped last night and his history was cleared. What does that mean? Are there work programs for internet explorer that automatically clear histories for confidentiality reasons? Just wondering. His computer has an operating system put into place by the company he is franchised with. Don't want to break any laws here.

Thanks!

TinT. Personally, I would focus on getting the spyware installed and see what pops up. Men don't just leave because you want establish boundaries to protect your marriage from affairs.

Your WH stated it himself...it happened because he let someone else meet his needs. EP's set up boundaries to prevent this exact thing from happening.

There may be a different OW or it may be the same one...you need to find out what is going on before you can fight it.

Read this Operation Investigate

There's a thread on deleting history and VAR and everything.

Another question: Should I expose to the two women and man that work for him in his office? They all knew and dealt with the OP when she was his mentor.

You've read this, correct? Exposure 101

It has workplace exposure letters and direction.

This was a workplace affair and so yes they need to he aware. If she is working at the same company he may need to get a new job.

Yes this needs to be exposed because her BH has a right to know. Dr. Harley says it doesn't matter if affair was in past exposure is a must to help give the WS accountability.

Did you see this?

Have you checked his cell phone records to see if there's a new number for anyone else?

I have read both Exposure 101 and Operation Investigate, but I've also read about 50 other pages on here so I'm having a really hard time keeping it all straight.

I check his cell phone record every day. He only texts me, my DD and DH, a few other scoutmasters, and his marketing employee. When I see some texts from her number, I go to his phone and read it to be sure A. None have been deleted, and B. they are keeping it strictly business. I've decided that one of my EP's will be no more texting with persons of the opposite sex and no clearing of the histories on ipad, iphone, and laptops. Still working on it.

Trying to find out if the OP's H has a facebook. I think I may have found him, but can't tell. What is your suggestion for contacting him to find out if he is married to OP?

Are you saying you don't know if OW is married or not?

Did you find her on Facebook? If you do find her copy and paste her contacts into a word document to save for later.

You can do that intellus.com check to find out if she's married or not. Then you would need to expose to him.

No what I meant is that his (spouse of OP) profile is private. Yes the OP is married. I saw the list of his FB contacts and many of them are from the city he lives in, but I have no way of knowing if this guy is her husband. His profile pic is of a deer. Only in Texas. Hahaha

I cannot see that she (OP) has a facebook. She doesn't have a Myspace or a LinkedIn either that I can find. Odd, I think.

So my question is, can I somehow send him a facebook message to inquire if he is in fact married to the mentor and he is the right guy to expose to? Should I?

Well a little update. My husband has started to schedule himself off for lunch for 2 hours once a week to come home so we can have UA while DS3 is at pre-school. He came home today.

He is almost done reading LB and has already initiated conversation about the areas where he has exhibitied independent behaviour regarding his work schedule: It is flexible and in the past he has never asked for my feedback about when/how long he works. It has gone way down from the 70-80 hours he has worked in the past. He also wants to discuss finances with me and include me in our plan to reduce the tremendous amount of debt he incurred without my knowledge, and just bills and money flow in general. In the past he has done it all and told me, "don't worry about it." These are good things. He seems truly self motivated to make the changes necessary to continue the marriage. He said that he thinks that using the MB principles we will be able to make the changes we both need to be better spouses and people and happier than we have ever been.

I feel that for the first time he is being sincere. I can tell very easily when he isn't on board with something I want and I truly believe that he is on board. Please tell me it is okay to feel good about this.

TinT

I am still going to make my list of EPs for him. I want to hold him accountable. I want him to see them written down. Now to do them and get your feedback.

That is a good sign. However, don't abandon any of your previous plan. You should still get the VAR and keylogger and yes, still require your EPs and make sure he is following them.

Thanks for the laugh Markos! I agree totally! Has anyone done the MB Online program and turned their marriage around than can tell me their experience with it?

It is so nice to hear that this can turn around. I really want him to step up and do what needs to be done. I really think he can do it. I am going to try to follow this advice, to be loving but adamant that the marriage must be safe for me. And I do believe we can have a romantic and passionate marriage with him. This time, I'm not going to sacrifice my feelings for him. I will not do that anymore and it has done a disservice to our marriage. So thanks for the support and encouragement!

Ok I feel like a majorly mischievous person, but I created a fake email and a fake facebook page and used it to send the OP BH a message asking him if he is married to OP. We'll see if he responds. If he is, then I can expose via facebook message.

Please evaluate and comment on the below Extraordinary Precautions. Thanks in advance for your help!!

Extraordinary Precautions

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I won�t stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. I want our marriage to last a lifetime! In order for our marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep our marriage safe for me, help me recover, and earn back my trust:

1.) No contact for life with EA partner�block email address and remove her from your contacts lists at work and on phone.
2.) Total Transparency:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Passwords to all accounts and social media shared
3.) Commitment to Marriage Builders Program for life.
4.)Completion of �Five Steps to Romanic Love� workbook with W by June 15.
5.)Read book Surviving an Affair by June 15 and incorporate principles.
6.) No personal friendships with females
7.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
8.) No intimate conversations with a female. (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, weight loss, kid problems, family problems, health problems, etc) When a female tries to tell you these things, the Harleys say to respond, �You should be talking to my wife about this.� Draw spouse into conversation immediately and close it down.
9.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting. No �boobs or butts� comments ever.
10.) No terms of endearment of any kind, except for those in our immediate family.
11.) No business mentoring with a woman.
12.) Women must be at least an arm's length away.
13.) No porn, no �adult� clubs or shops, �girlie shows�, no chat rooms
14.) No nights apart. Scout overnights limited to once per quarter.
15.) No going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle.

Be careful of trickle exposure.

You need to drop the exposure bomb all at once.

Dr. Harley only recommends 3 weeks of Plan A for BW.

You need to verify the affair is dead first.