...many people search out people going through a divorce or recently divorced as potential dates...I do not understand the thinking behind this

You obviously have not spent enough time among hyenas and vultures, looking for the wounded to prey on!

Believe me, I never realised I was such a 'catch' until I was betrayed. As I would never date somene who was going through a marriage break up, I didnt expect to get offers of dates after I kicked him out... but I did within WEEKS.

So who was it who thought a heartbroken woman would be a good thing to be around?

A serial wayward, not yet divorced, old enough to be my dad.
A man who is cheating on his wife, who is also cheating on him
A married man, who wanted to go for a drink 'as friends' even though we aren't
A misfit who was also hitting on my recently-betrayed-by-fiance friend at the same time he was hitting on me. Hmm I wonder what me and my friend had in common that he liked?
A well known player who is touching 40 and never been in a serious relationship.

Vultures, each and every one. Not a sound or whole one in the entire pile.

Because those guys are dating healed, single women.

Yes I understand. We were already living apart. The issue is complicated. I did an excellent plan A. One reason that she had so much extensive contact with her ex-husband was due to him having full custody of their two daughters. Each year, my W and I would go on an expensive vacation. This year (last month), I gave that up and used the money for an attorney for her. She won. However, in getting custody, the Court held that I cannot be around those kids (till the next court date in July). Her option was that or the kids would be put in foster care.

She needed my concurrence to stay out for that period of time. In exchange, I asked that she agree to fully and completely follow Marriage Builders (I am completely sold out on this program, I see in practicing it, will relieve my many burdens).

As we began to work our way through some of the concepts, such as recreational activities, she wanted to reserve the right to go on hikes and walks while I was at work. She had listed in her wants and needs, financial support as very important. This was a serious issue with me. In the past and not so distant present, she misused her recreational time to meet with other men.

We were unable to come to any agreement on that issue. She was completely unreasonable such as unwilling to even carry her cell phone with her at all times. "I'm not going to follow any of your rules, that's not a marriage!" I reminded her the default position is, she does nothing until an agreement is reached.

Just as we were working on that issue, I discovered that she had been going out again, this time, spoofing the GPS on her phone and forwarding her calls. Now again, while I was working hard providing for her needs, she was again doing what she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted.

I realized my feelings mattered nothing to her. With our idiot counselor we had been going to for years, she said that she thinks I was controlling her by using Marriage Builders. He supported her, telling me once again that I am controlling and abusive. He seems unable to get the concept that her actions cause me great distress, worry and fear. Is she again seeing another man?

So the cycle started again. I provide everything for her, she does what she wants without regard to my feelings. The counseling turns again on my "mommy issues" why I wouldn't want her to go and enjoy herself. If I had enough Christian love for her, I wouldn't be offended right? That moron doesn't get the fact that my W has and continues to hurt me greatly.

So his effort and focus turns upon me, to get me "fixed" so her thoughtless, selfish individual behavior just wont bother me anymore. The result is, he stifles my feelings and she feels more liberated to engage in more of her bizarre selfishness. Consequently, I suffer more abuse by her and him.

Dr. Harley said In LB at pg., 167, individual behavior is the reason most couples fight, so true. He teaches something completely different, don't try to make me get fixed, stop hurting me. Wow. So cool! I have come to realize, in the name of "Christian love," I became an enabler.

Both of them argued against me, they say I could misuse the default position as a means to control her--to stop her from doing what she wants to do. (help me on this). So both of them determined that Marriage Builders wasn't going to work (in-spite of her signed agreement to "follow it fulling and completely").

When she announced that she wasn't going to follow it, and I needed to get more Jesus in me, I cut her off completely, money, support, communication and filed for divorce. In my state, they allow cause. With my attorney, she was charged with adultery and intolerable cruelty. Now she realizes the benefit of following Marriage Builders. Maybe she realizes how good she had it. Any rate, we have just purchased the full program. Like I said, sort of a plan B.

What?

Are you guys not legally married and there is some sort of no paramour clause? Are you a sex offender? I don't understand why the state would put children in foster care if their mother's husband was around them.

yes, I think you need to tell the real story.

WHY????? Did the ex-husband get full custody? If he was abusive as you said, he would not, could not get full custody over the mother, just not going to happen.

Then, the children can not come around when you, the husband, are there?

We can't help you, if you don't tell the truth. Radical honesty.

I am telling you the whole truth (as I know it). During the long drawn out custody battle (2010), she claimed he was abusive. At the time, he seemed to be based upon her version. What I now know, because of MB, they were abusive to each other. Because she was pushing the abuse stick in court, his lawyer, turned the focus off of him and began to claim I was abusive and the children would be in danger if they lived with us. I never went to the court and testified and I was not allowed in the court during the trial. What I tell you, comes completely from her.

My suspicion is, at some point near the end of the trial, she turned on me, and sought sympathy from the judge when she realized she was loosing. She against my advice, refused to have an attorney. His was ruthless. I became the scapegoat. After loosing custody, she had visitation and then only within 50 miles of his house.

I was not to be around the kids (even though, we had one of our own). This was the ruling of 10/2010). (Several months before her trial, 08/2010, she began talking to him in a familiar way, much of what she said to him was used against her in court).

So because of that ruling, she flew 4 times a year for about 2 weeks at a time to visit with her kids, while I stayed and worked. He had complete control over her life relating to her kids. During that time, she talked with him extensively and privately. This ultimately resulted as I discussed, in him coming cross-country living in my house last Thanksgiving.

Now skip forward to where I mention she went back to court (last month). This is the most recent order as to pertains to me.


I am not a sex offender or anything like that at all. In my job, I have to maintain a secret security clearance. Anything like that, would eliminate me. So I hope this clears things up. I have sacrificed so much in the name of those kids. Dr. Harley sets things right, the marriage is first.

So were you both divorced when you met?

Are you willing to do the work to do this program?

Will you expose her affair? Exposure 101 your most powerful weapon

When we met on EHarmony, I was about two months from being final. There was no possibility of reconciliation. My wife was gay and was planning on marrying her gay partner.

As for my WW, she was a long way from divorce. Her ex did not want a divorce. She told me, the reason she filed, she wanted him to apologize for hitting her. After she began to talk to me, she then split the divorce issue off from the custody and property and got divorced faster. Looking back on it, I was a real idiot. After we met, much of the conversations turned upon how abusive he was (as she made it to be). What I know now, much of it was her independent behavior, the inevitable reaction and so forth. That was her second marriage. In her first, she claimed that her ex, would not quit his marijuana. Since MB, I have had to come to the realization, that I got myself into an affairage.

I am more than willing. I have been trying to get her on board for some time. That is the reason, I filed for divorce, to compel her to do this program or suffer the full consequences of a divorce. She is now saying she will.

I am not sure about the affair part, she presently is not seeing anyone. That ended a while ago. She still talks to her ex husband lots, and I hate every second of it. So I am not sure what to expose.

Have you heard Dr. Harley says about affairages?

Read this Affairages Dr. Harley speaks on them

She meet you when she was still M and cheated on you with the same man?
She said who knows what to the judge where you can't be around her kids?

Am I missing anything? Your WW does not care for your M or protects you in your M.

Here are some radio clips.

Tell me what you think.
Affairage Radio clips

Here's another one Radio clip on how to trust in an affairage

Skidman,

From the thread I posted to you.

This is what Dr. Harley says to do to try and save your M.

Editing for liklihoods:

As for my WW, she was a long way from divorce. Her ex did not want a divorce. She told lied to me, the reason she filed, she wanted him to apologize for hitting her. After she began to talk to me, she then split the divorce issue off from the custody and property and got divorced faster. I was a real idiot. After we met, much of the conversations turned upon how abusive he was (as she made it to be). What I know now, much of it was her independent wayward behavior, the inevitable reaction, her husband's reaction, and so forth. That was her second marriage. In her first, she claimed that her ex, would not quit his marijuana. Since MB, I have had to come to the realization, that I got myself into an affairage with a serial cheater.

I am not sure about the affair part, she presently is not seeing anyone.

If that is true, it is most likely only a temporary hiatus.

Okay, as her third BH, you believe you can get her to reform. What ordinal number would you have to have to realize that she is not going to? Fifth? TENTH?

I asked the opinions of the old timers and sadly, I have had to come to the realization of many things.

Indiegirl posted this in another thread concerning wayward�.

.

Wow, heard most of those.

BrainHurts posted some excellent links to past radio programs relating to affairages�

Still others like Pepperband practically hit me over the head with a wake up call�

I have lived in a state of denial for a long time. This allowed me to not have to deal in truth. Denial is a safe place, the calm before the storm. I guess the first act of dishonesty starts with yourself. I don�t know why for so long I couldn�t believe or accept what was right in front of me. I�m a [censored].

I have also now come to accept as another poster said, I am dealing with a serial adulterer. With that, comes the understanding that I am confronting a severe lack of integrity. The pursuit of sensuality overriding the commitment necessary to have a fulfilling marriage MB style. But in accepting the truth, it helps me form a proper course of action.

I want to say I appreciate everyone here. You all have helped me face the truth, of what I have done and what I have to do.

Thank you.

Skidman

So with all this found knowledge what are you going to DO with it?

What does this realisation of her waywardness mean plan-wise? What do you want to do?

And you do know there is no 'sort of plan B', dont you? Plan B is dark and air tight; it's a fortress of great force and skill. A 'Sort of Plan B' is usuallly how enablers describe the way they allow the wayward to cake eat. they are given space for their affair but still have friendly chit chat from time to time with BS.

You need to be working the plans hard to recover, or seriously cutting her out of your life.

This gives me an idea for a new thread....

Thanks Indie

Ok, I have allowed myself some time to think it all over. I have sent her the letter. Here is part of it:

"...Change in you is required. Repentance is not expressing sorrow, in an affair situation, words are cheap. True repentance means protecting the betrayed spouse from the behaviors that make them feel threatened. To help you advance one of your affairs, you misused your FaceBook to arrange a liaison with another man. Afterward you agreed to shut it down, you have not. You promised to give me open access to your computer and cell phone and everything. Yet you kept secret cell phones, used others cell phones, spoofed your GPS to make me think you were someplace you were not i.e. at home taking care of the baby. Serious flashback.

I realized how many of your promises you didn�t keep. I had been waited patiently for you because love is patient. Yet you have again engaged in a very serious breach of my trust and seriously lied to me about it. You were caught red handed. I am not seeking an apology for any of it, nor care about your guilt or innocence as you claim - I don't have to prove anything to you. I FEEL deceived - your actions make me feel UNSAFE and INSECURE. Any normal person would react in the same way.

I told you over and over again, one of my most important needs was to FEEL secure in our relationship. You have done many violations. Most importantly, you behaved in a very unmarried let alone Christian way. You consistently take actions which have a great impact upon the marriage without so much as even informing me. You have said at time, you don�t involve me because you know I won�t like it. Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders has proven that individual behavior is the reason most couples fight.

That is the truth here. Individual behavior is thoughtless and selfish behavior. You have continuously pursued your own agenda throughout this marriage. That is not a partnership�but is abuse. You promised to make changes in your behavior, so that I wouldn�t have to be concerned about the future with you�you have not.

Concerning your affairs, you claim your innocence. You tell me �You don�t know me.� The first time we met your sister, she and her husband were furious. I was stunned over what I saw. I have come to realize, they were right, and WE were wrong. Our relationship started as an adultery. You have committed adultery in every one of your marriages. You are a serial adulterous. That is a heart issue.

Adultery is complete thoughtlessness�a pursuit of self needs regardless of who gets hurt. Adultery is an addiction to the emotional high it brings. But like all sin, its pleasure is only for a season. It is not that I don�t know you ****, I know your heart all too well and so do others. The problem is, you have done nothing about it. You continue to live in a fantasy of your own creation. You have concealed your adulterous heart in the darkness of a grandiose perception of yourself. It is time you turn the rock over and shine a brilliant spotlight on your seamy underside. Doing this requires complete honesty. If you cannot be honest first with yourself there is no chance of recovery. To renew your mind in Christ, first requires humility enough to admit the condition before you can bring it to him.

In claiming your innocence, you say, �I did not commit adultery.� Who really knows what you mean by that? You have a solid history of adultery. While married to me, you have gone out on dates with others. You have gone to bars and picked up other men�you have given out your phone number. You had relationship with another man lasting several months, including sexting messages back and forth. You have maintained secret cell phones to carry on your deviant behavior.

One of your affairs was with a married man. As a consequence of your behavior, you broke up that family. You have created circumstances so that you can live apart and be unmonitored and unaccountable. You have used others not just to conceal your behavior but also to help you carry out your affairs including your son. What kind of Christian wife and mother would do that? Adultery is self-indulgent caring only for oneself. Your thoughtlessness pursues only its own agenda.

You have had one powerful ally in carrying on as you have�me. That ally has been my own sins and sin nature, my denial. In order to confront you now, I have had to deal with my own immorality in my last marriage. Puffed up by my own self-righteousness as you are now, I have had to accept truths about myself which I would have rather kept concealed. I learned the hard way; the first step is to be honest with yourself so you can be honest with Christ. It is a hard pill to swallow. I tell you the truth; it is not worth living the lie of your own greatness. Having gone through it, I know peace now and I assure you the struggle is worth it.

You lied to me with such conviction no one would think there was possibility you were lying. You were caught red handed. You lie to many people. Most of us have learned, when you tell your story�you leave out anything you did to participate. It is always a one sided story, a poor ***** hymn. You have been singing that song for a very long time. Again, adultery is an addiction and like a drug addict or an alcoholic, you twist things around and blame others particularly me for your behavior. That kind of righteousness is like rags.

It is called �gaslighting.� You gaslight the tar out of me. And you wonder why people get upset with you when out of concern they give you good advice but you don�t follow it. That�s manipulation. It�s not necessarily the advice they give that�s wrong�it that you don�t give them the whole truth. That�s deceitfulness. Stop the gaslighting and their advice would be completely different. They would tell you like I am, deal with your heart issues. Tell the whole truth for a change. Accept responsibility for what you bring.

So when you say �I did not commit adultery� is it you mean to say you have not experienced actual penetration? HAVE I NOT AT LEAST JUDGED YOUR HEART CORRECTLY? As I point out, your sister had the sense to realize that we started out as an adulterous relationship. We were deceived by our own self-righteousness and caught in the passion of our sin. When have you fully dealt with that heart? Are you not still wearing the same front that you have been wearing for years? Your denials are just as hollow as Bill Clinton�s were because the stains are all over you.

I have my part in all of this�in fact half. I have made a serious mistake in trying to love you as Christ loved the church. I wrongly thought you would realize my love and through that it would bring a change. That does not work, you aren�t Jesus and neither am I. Like an over indulged child, you demand more not less. In feeding your selfishness I became an enabler. That�s not true love. In telling others your false stories, you receive bad advice�advice that encourages you to inflict more hurt, not less, more bad behavior, not less. The advice you get is only as good as the truth you tell.

Love rejoices with the truth. It is the truth of our life together I am speaking of. Love always protects. I am now protecting you by exposing what I should have long ago. Love hopes. I hope the truth of my words I speak touches you enough that you see your need. Love trusts. I love you enough to trust in God to bring about a good work in this area. Love is not proud. As I said, I have had to deal with myself, exposing my sins long before I could ever bring this forward. I am no better than you!

You have also described to me, your older sisters struggles with her now ex-husband. You described how the situation concerned his relationship with his ex-wife and his kids. At the time, as you described it, it appeared to me that perhaps her requirements were unreasonable. I have since learned, she was not. She did not marry him to be treated as second, third, fourth person whatever. She had a right and clear expectation that she would be treated partner equal to him.
It is a grave affront to the marriage to take on a partner, a spouse and put them in the back seat. The normal reaction is anger and resentment. Each time he did that, he sent her a clear message, she didn�t count in his world. While most married couples can and do at times make sacrifices, no one can live that way for long. Either you are the most important person to your spouse or you are nothing. It is well documented that any person living under those conditions suffer health issues.

While we were dating and in the first year of marriage, you made your ex-husband out to be a monsters. You constantly told the story of how abused you were and how abusive he was. Then suddenly, you and he are living together in our house! How did you do that? How do you go from saying he is the most abusive man on the planet to cooking, cleaning, entertaining, drinking and washing his clothes under our roof? The bible has the answer, by �the smooth talk of a wayward wife.�

In the months leading up to you and he living together this last Thanksgiving, you spent hundreds of hours on the phone with him. When he came, many many people saw you two together. Many were confused thinking by your behavior that he was your husband and not me. In your deluded self-absorbed sinful fantasy, you even brought him to our church.

Privately, many people came to me afterward to express their shock and horror and sympathy for your terrible thoughtlessness. One person said it was the one of the weirdest things they ever saw. What you did with your ex-husband was outright disgraceful. Even your friend ******** had the sense to know, if I had done anything like that to you as you did to me, you would have divorced me over it, yet I endured.

Throughout or marriage, you have consistently compared me to your ex-husband. Each and every time, you have told me I come up short. You have told me that you still love him and he loves you. You have told me that he is a much better person. You have told me that he was a better lover. You have even compared certain anatomical parts and he is better. You told me that you wanted me out of the house so he can move in. You have actually considered that possibility, and tried your best to persuade him to do that. Yet you say it was all done in the name of the kids. You created a complete fantasy around that, he was going to move here and live with you. In spite of many court orders forbidding you to have any contact with him, you pursued your own agenda. Nothing was Godly in what you did. You cared nothing about my feelings.

You see ****, your sister was right to divorce her husband. He treated her like garbage instead of the most important person in his life. His behavior was completely thoughtless to her and her needs. She had a right to expect to be treated as one flesh that only comes through a mutual partnership. Marriage is a special relationship created by God. You have lived your life with me as a completely separate person. When I object, you call me controlling. When I get angry over what you do, you call me abusive. Well then I guess then I am in good company. There is nothing abnormal in getting angry because of your affairs. There is nothing abnormal in getting angry in your continued relationship with your ex-husband. I warned you in January, should you continue in that, I would divorce you. Now even with another court order, you still do it. Your continued relationship with him has been very cruel to me.

You have said one of your most important needs in our marriage is to feel financially secure. To help you with that, I obtained a second job, then a third and turned all my earnings including bonuses over to you. You had final say in all the financial decisions. I did not agree with some of them, particularly the amount of money poured into the Journey. I sacrificed for you, including giving up my own car to make that happen for you.

Again, I told you many times, one of my most important needs was to FEEL secure in our relationship. You have broken your vows and promises many times. I FEEL deceived - your actions make me feel UNSAFE and INSECURE. Any normal person would feel the same way. Because of your lying, deceitfulness, and extremely inappropriate behavior, I am divorcing you.

As a wife that professes to be a Christian, you had a duty to provide for me. That duty is not just in physical arena, but in all areas of a marriage, including my need that you care enough to respect my needs. So ***** it is not true when you say I pulled all of the money out of the bank to control you. I am simply no longer providing for you while you live a lifestyle as if I don�t exists. I am simply no longer going to provide for you because for a long time, you choose not to provide for me. That�s just common sense. So if I am an infidel, so are you.

You see, your actions made it all possible and upon solid biblical grounds. Your affairs are clear. When you ignore my pleas to meet my needs that is abandonment. In fact, I have put what you have done as YOU have made your story to be out on the internet. Of the many responses, no one believes in your innocence, except apparently you. And another fact, in putting it out there, I have been called a stupid fool for expecting anything different given that we started as an adultery.

Following Marriage Builders brings about the correction each of us need and to have a sustained romantic marriage. It builds upon a foundation of complete honesty. It helps us heal from our own destructive behaviors. It helps us heal from the many hurts we have brought upon each other. I have done my share to you. Marriage Builders comes from solid Christian principles. ***** I love you very much. However, I have recognized that we cannot continue as we have.

You made a promise to follow Marriage Builders then you broke it. You also once again engaged in the same behavior which has brought so much disgrace. Yet I remain committed to what Marriage Builders has to offer. It takes both of us. So if you decide that you do want to keep your promise, I will also once again support you and stop the divorce. With God all things are possible. And as I have shown, Marriage Builders was part of his total plan, not separate from it. It requires hard work and a willingness to be honest and to make changes. I am more than ready for all of that.

Love [me]"

I sent that last night. I sent it out to many people, including her facebook friends. This morning when I woke up, this was her reply:


Your thoughts please...

Skidman,

Is this what you sent out as the exposure letter?