My H has been very stressed out for the past few months. He had a really long, physically and emotionally exhausting business trip last month, and things have spiraled out of control from there. We were getting along OK (sex, going out to dinner, laughing together etc), except he's been feeling for a long time that he hasn't been fulfilled in his job and didn't know what to do about it. He also hated where we lived and felt trapped.

I tried all kinds of cheer leading and talking to him, to no avail. His answers were mostly, "I don't know".

So, one afternoon, at the end of last month, after a nice lunch we had together, we came home for a few hours and then suddenly had to go on a drive. When he came back, he told me that he was leaving for a week to be with his dad in OR...that he had to see his elderly dad and he had to clear his head. It was like he snapped. Truly. I was totally freaked out that he would leave at the drop of a hat like that and without any explanation or talking things through!

I made the mistake of flying out to see him when he was at his dad's as he was talking about getting an apartment out there...he had not even talked to me or the kids about this. I still thought it was only for a week, but things changed rapidly for him I guess. He did not want to come back to this place -- or us.

Anyway, interestingly we had a good time out there together, so weird, like a 2nd honeymoon, but he nearly didn't get back on the plane for home as he was scared of the the stress. He was really scared and breaking down.

We did make it home, but after only here a few days, he packed all of his things & left a couple of days ago for a cross-country drive to live near his father in OR. He does not want to talk to me right now during his drive.

His brother is annoying, as he's being supportive of H leaving us in this way. It just reinforces him finding his happy place instead of being counseled to not just leave us twisting in the wind.(sigh). His best friend though, has been telling him that he will regret this and once the fun and excitement of no responsibilities wears off, he'll be lonely. I don't know what to think, but I do hope he comes around.

I have been as kind and compassionate to him as possible as this is not the man I know. He has something major going on. He did not want to go see his dr. We cried a lot and he told me how much he loved me and was sorry he was leaving, but could give me no answers about the future...just that he needed a timeout, really some space or he felt like he was going to die. He also said that he believes that he's in love with me, but needs to get things straight in his head first about what he wants to do...that he may get out there and not be able to live without me.

This apartment of his is going to put us in financial straits. He has left me with the house/property to take care of by myself. He's basically off on his journey to clear his head and be happy. It's super stressful here.

Our children, 13, 16 & 22 are angry with him. He has texted/emailed them a couple of times, with happy things to say (text me, tell me all about what you are doing!) like he wants this great relationship with them right now, but they are freaked out and aren't replying.

I wrote to tell him that a cousin of his thought a picture of us was nice & that we looked comfortable together. He wrote this back to me:

****We do make a cute couple for sure.

Taking it slow. Got a lot of work to do today so won't make in on the road early but woke up to a great free breakfast at the Hampton inn. Went for coffee and had a full breakfast. Very peaceful.

I am going to take time for me, drive and enjoy. Might stop off and see stuff or not. Nothing concrete and I like that.

We'll talk next week when I hit my dads. For the mean time, its me and the road!

Take care and be kind to yourself!!!!***

So of if anyone is still with me, that is my story. I know/feel that he loves me and I love him very much. I'm just scared that I will lose him.

I have a MB coaching appt on Monday with Steve. I hope that he can give me some advice about how to handle this delicate situation and eventually save my marriage.

Just very sad and feeling sick, I am....

This smells like an affair. Do you have phone records?

Can you relocate to OR if you rule OUT an affair? I would not go if there is an affair, because OR is not the solution. Where was his trip to? You don't have to say specifically, but please say, "Not OR."

I suspect if you hired a PI you would find he is having an affair. Have you been snooping on him?

No, I don't think it's an affair and I do have phone records. He's been working from home for months & so have I and he doesn't go off to sneak phone calls or texts, etc.

Yes, I can and want to relocate to OR, but we are far from that point right now as he wants/needs to be alone to concentrate & try to keep his job, which is a very stressful one. He's going out to OR specifically because he wants to decompress and be near his dad who is elderly. He feels guilty that he hasn't spent any quality time with his dad in years, as the man has done a lot for him in his life. When he sees picts of his father, he cries. His new apartment is in his father's complex.

When he left the first time, I got this email:

***Lorrie,

Let me start by saying that I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I love you and the kids with all my heart.

In response to your email yesterday, I am not medically compromised. I am mentally exhausted. You have given me everything and please don't think I haven't noticed that fact.

The choices I am making are those that I have been considering for awhile. I need to leave for my own well being. If I don't, I will be no good to anyone at all. I know that the pain that I feel affects all of us, including the kids

I heard a saying once that said �You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you�. I don�t feel that right now. I feel very overwhelmed and frustrated. I know this is hard for you to understand but I just need some time. I want you to find peace and happiness in your life based on yourself not based on me. I can't just can�t be that for you right now; it hurts me to say that but it�s how I feel inside.

I know how painful this is but when I am at home, I feel lost inside; when I am not I feel whole. It hurts so much to have that feeling. I just can't do it anymore.

As hard of a decision as it is, I know that I just need a timeout. I need to feel some peace in my life and relieve some stress. I am not abandoning my family. Please know I will take care of things there for you and the kids. My hope is that we will be able to talk some time and then talk like the friends that we have always been. If you really want to help me, please try to understand that I really need this.

Please be my friend and help me; I will do everything in my power to do the same.

This is the hardest thing to do in my life but I have to Lorrie. It�s only fair to everyone.

All my love,***

If his job is that stressful maybe he should consider a different job?

You're in good hands here with Mel and CWMI.

I am confused. Is his job in OR?

That whole letter reads like fogbabble. If it is not an affair (and I do think you need to do more to rule that out, much more), then you should get him to a psychiatrist. It is not normal for men to up and abandon their families, even if they say, "I am not abandoning my family." That is a lie! You know this, right?

HopefulNC, that is probably another source of his extreme stress, because this new job he landed in Jan (when he started to tell me quite often how his job wasn't fulfilling) was because the old one was cutting his pay and he's the main breadwinner. It seemed like a godsend that he found this income after losing the last, but it's like a curse now. No way to switch jobs. He's stuck in his industry as it's all he knows and the jobs are few and far between.

I believe you may be in a for a big surprise when you investigate. He hasn't been working from home recently and that is plenty enough time to develop an affair. Like you said he travels for a living and wasn't home last month. Traveling jobs are invitation to an affair. You need to check and find out what he is doing because something is very suspicious about his behavior.

Nothing else except an affair makes any sense. If his job is stressing him out, then why would he need to be away from you?

CWMI, I know. It doesn't make sense. It is fogbabble. I know that his friend is going to try and talk to him about getting some help, after things have settled for a couple of weeks. I will only push him away more, if I do more of that talk. It's best to come from his friend.

He also said that he's confused and frustrated. I hope that he gets help or his brain chemical even out enough for him to realize that he does need help and is just running away from something that he'll never escape.

He works virtually, so he can live anywhere in the country. OR was the choice because of his dad and it's peaceful there. He considered going to Los Angeles where his precious brother lives, but it's too stressful there for him, he says.

How did y'all end up living where you are? I assume you moved there after you were married?

How much is he on the road?

I wonder if he reconnected with someone near his dad? Have you checked facebook/linkdin/etc...

Good luck.

His letters don't say anything about the job. You realize this, too, right?

He is in full selfish mode. "It's only fair to everyone"? Um, no, it is not fair to anyone but him. Has he always been this selfish? Or did it start in January, with this new job?

I am pretty certain your husband is having an affair. So anything you or his friend do will be a waste of time until you get the affair out into the open. None of you will be able to "talk him out of" anything. What has to happen is that you uncover the affair and expose it wide and far. Nothing else you do will be of any effect.

Stressful jobs, even stressful to the point of nervous breakdown, don't cause you to run away from your family.

I am in a high stress, high profile job. My coworker had a nervous breakdown, we both have panic attacks. I ended up in the ER with a physical breakdown this week due to my hours/stress/whatever. I'm on PTO and spending next week traveling with my husband (and workin some remotely, whatever! )

Bingo.

MelodyLane,

He only traveled for a week last month, not a whole month, and it was to a factory in China. Horrible place. He hadn't traveled anywhere for months before that. I do see where you are coming from, with a traveling guy, but it just doesn't add up. He's just not away from home but a couple of weeks a year. I guess I could hire a PI, but I'm not suspicious of an affair. He's not been distant from me, except for the extreme of just taking off! So weird!

Yes, why would he leave me & the kids if it was his job? Well, he hates this place. Just more stress he can't escape from. He apparently has emotional problems. The crying and breaking down, the confusion, the panic...but I can't force him to see a dr.

If your husband has a traveling job, it would be foolish to deny it could be an affair. Traveling jobs are invitations to affairs. And the fact that you don't believe he is having an affair leads me to believe you wouldn't be cognizant of the signs.


Madam, he has left you!! That is about as distant as it gets.

CWMI, He can have a selfish streak, but has never been like this.

Please listen to these radio clip where this woman thinks her WH is having a MLC and not an affair. Dr. Harley tells her it's an affair.

Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

Please pay attention to segment #3 because it also talks about spending nights apart.

Thanks for the links. I listened to them all. This couple's situation doesn't fit mine. We aren't fighting & he's not been gone enough to have an affair. Oh, and we've been exercising together. lol I wouldn't call what he's having, a MLC. When he was having some of his meltdown's about his need to relieve his stress, it made the hair on my arms stand up, as there was something really odd about him. Like he wasn't right, mentally. It's hard to explain unless you've seen it.

Well, thanks for all of the help/suggestions. I will find out what is going on eventually. If he's severely depressed or bipolar, then only medication will be able to get him thinking clearly enough that we can start working on our marriage. If not, I may just have to do Plan B in order to save my sanity and wait out the final outcome good/bad.

Has he been to a doctor?