What I find most ironic about my current situation is that although I had the first affair and got this whole mess started, I feel unsafe in my marriage. I have been so transparent and want to continue to be transparent but my H still wants to hold onto his privacy and this makes me feel unsafe. In addition he feels that his walls and boundries do not have to be as high as mine....this really bothers me.

Marriage builders has made me realize that the two things I want most in my marriage; complete honesty and joint agreement on everything are two things that my H really struggles to give me and even before my A, he struggled with these things. He really does what he wants when he wants and I feel like he does not respect my thoughts on this.

I feel like we take two steps forward and then he pushes us back. I know and want to do MB 100% but he wants to half azz it and even makes fun of me sometimes with how dedicated I am to the program.

It is like for the first time I have opened my eyes and can see just how great our marriage can be but my H's eyes are still foggy. Not affair foggy but just that he does not want to give up the marriage we had and does not realize how deeply unsafe and miserable our previous lifestyle really was.

It is just so very hard now trying to be honest with him and get him to see this because of my A. I am hoping with time that he does begin to see but I am very scared that his resentment and bitterness with overwhelm him and he will never let me back in.

No matter what I am sticking with the program. Not really looking for advice, I just needed to vent a little bit. Any thoughts or advice however is always gladly accepted.

Some of that is A-fog, too. He wants to keep believing that what you did was worse, and that as a result you're the only one who has to change, because that makes it more comfortable for him to have cheated, too. As long as what you did was worse, then he doesn't have to feel so bad for doing what he did.

But it wasn't worse - they were both terrible.

Till he's ready to own his A, you can expect similar behavior. Due to your own A, this isn't a cut and dried situation where you do X days of Plan A then go go Plan B. You may end up in Plan B eventually, but only after a lengthy demonstration of what your half of a good M looks like.

Because you have to run a marathon, pace yourself more carefully than most Plan A'ers would need to. Nurture yourself, and give your Taker as much as you can so it doesn't run too far amok. WH is making progress, and so are you!

Thanks Neak! You don't know how much I needed that.

My H lost his job today He is an insurance salesman and was told in January that he had to get his sales up or else.... He told me this much in January and I told him that I would do anything to help him reach his sales goals.

He also told me that if he lost his job, he would probably have to leave me because his resentment towards me would be too great for him to stay.

He said all of this in January and since I have offered to work with him, for him. Make calls,flyers, and do whatever it takes
to help get him back on his feet. He let me do a few things but not a lot.

Now that he lost his job I am terrified that he is going to leave. I don't know what to do to help him. Yes, I do take responsibility for the first month or two after the affair but the past few months he has spent a lot of time "playing" rather than working. I guess I just don't know how much of the blame I should put on my plate.

In addition how do I help him through this? I feel like this is going to bring us back to square one....again

Even if he leaves now, it's not about losing the job. It's just his choice.

This is a great stress on the whole family. Still, don't let it distract you from your goal. You do what you're supposed to, each and every day, no matter what BH does or doesn't.

You're going to get through this.

Are you okay fifteenyears?

XVY - what goes on, friend?

Thought about you and your husband today. How are you both holding up?

Mrs. Bricks,

Thank you for thinking of me. I frequently think about you and Mr. Bricks, especially since our situations are very similar.

Still on the same roller coaster ride. My H lost his current job last week so he had to let go the 26 year old that he hired to help him. I feel very relieved by this for a number of reasons.

At no time did he do anything to make me not trust him, but I just know how easily boundaries can be crossed when you are working with someone of the opposite sex.

He has also been very happy since he lost his job. I know that sounds strange but his job was very high stress for him even before all the drama a caused. He has actually be offered another job in the company that entails a lot less stress and hours.

I do wish that he was as involved as I am with MB and MB practices as I am right now but I have to remember to take baby steps and continue to work on myself and the marriage that I want.

The honestly in our marriage still needs work but has greatly improved. I am more honest with my emotions and how my H affects me. My H is more open and honest about what he is doing as well.

How are things with you and Mr. Bricks? I have thought about counseling with Steve Harley but I did not think my H would agree.

Would he be up for you counseling with steve by yourself? Steve's pretty good at getting people on the phone. (aka- my H wanted nothing to do with talking to steve, and now somehow steve's got him making EN checklists....) Worth a shot!

Thanks DoroM, I might give it a try. He listens to me when I talk about MB and has even gotten on the site a few times. He knows about all of the concepts as well. He is just getting his feet wet though instead of diving in. I want him to be in the water with me vs. on the sideline.

Why not just approach your husband about having just one session with Steve? Just one. Don't make it sound like a firm commitment to anything, just a little favor, or something of the sort. And if he doesn't like what he hears, you won't ask him to do it again. Just one little chat. I don't think he would think that's too much to ask.

I've never talked to Steve (or Jennifer) myself, but from what I've heard, if you can get your husband to talk to him just once, you won't have to worry about bugging him to do it again. Steve will take it from there.

You are very welcome and I appreciate the kind thoughts!

So sorry to hear about your husband's job especially with the current economy but good to hear that he's been offered another position. I hope it all work out for both of you.

I understand about not having on the MB program together, it must be really tough on your part but please continue to do so and keep encouraging him, miracles still exists with some extra hard work.

BRICKS and I schedule our UA time together every week and we make sure to spend those time together. The hardest part is finding an exercise that benefits both of us without sacrificing anything for the other but that is getting better. We are also doing good at fulfilling our ENs and more mindful to not love bust each other. POJA is something we abide daily. Such an important tool to successfully negotiate about anything.

I am humbled that BRICKS asked me to stay and work on our marriage using the MB principles. I wish I found this site before I had an affair, but was lucky enough to be here still.

We counseled with SH for almost 3 months and we both liked him a lot. It's been 2 weeks without SH and the first week was really scary most especially after what happened to WPG and her husband. Just the thought of both of us not being accountable to another person freaks me out so we decided to purchase the online program where we can email Dr. Harley if we have any questions by posting in the private section of this forum. So, I think you should give SH a call. The price is so worth it. If we didn't have a lot of expenses right now, we would still continue counseling with him but hopefully this online program will help us continue what we are already doing.

I wish you both of you peace and love. Take care.

Take

Today was the 6 month anniversary of D day. My H and I planned a day together filled with UA time. It was also however a time we were going to talk about our marriage and see where we are going and where we want to go.

All was going really well until something sparked my H and he once again brought up how he could not understand how I could be so sneaky and tricky and that he was still having a hard time getting over my deception.

I tried to assure him and told him the EPs I had set in place that I have followed to a tee. I also told him that I have been and forever will be transparent.

His response was cruel and hurtful. He said that he does nor think that he can truly ever love me again. I told him that I do not want a loveless marriage. The thing is that I know in my heart that he still loves me. We have had such a wonderful few weeks full of time together, conversation, time with our kids, etc... For the first time in my marriage I have felt secure...then he drops this bomb on me. I want an MB marriage. I want to be equal and respected. I want my H to love me. Am I asking to much this early after my A? It just makes me feel so hopeless when my H says that he will never love me again. Is this just his protection? Is it worth even trying anymore?

Tough questions, XVY, and tough answers to them!

A BS's ultimate acceptance of a new, MB-based start to a damaged marriage is not a right to be expected by the WS. We'd like to think that we (with the initiation of Harley's practices) have the formula to give a recovering couple the best shot. But given the vagaries of self-respect, ego, the depth of affection before the A, previous marital issues, and the incalculable balance between vengeance and forgiveness in the BS, there is no surety in the result.

I'm certain by now you've read WPG's thread, to what appears to be its unfavorable conclusion. Is there anything, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G, that she could have done more to bring her BH to understand the depth of her commitment to him?

That said, you can only keep working your side of the street. Be consistent in your approach, be as understanding as necessary toward his "outbreaks", and keep working the major elements of the plan - UA time, O&H, POJA, no LBs, maximum possible EN satisfaction.

Remember, every day that you're together is another day on your side of his theoretical scale.

ETA:
His response was cruel and hurtful. Wrong mind-set, friend.

His response was honest and pain-filled. Do you see the difference?

Agree with NG...



Also...many a betrayed spouse here had to deal with a freshly former wayward spouse in withdrawal who didn't think they could ever love them again. Irony aside....if "we" can do it so can you. Just endure and distract. Perhaps the serious conversation wasn't a good idea. Consider how good it might have been if you'd just cancelled it and went out for a good time instead. Forced serious conversation in early recovery is rarely productive....too easy for resentments to come to the surface.

Recovery is a roller coaster.

Progress is made as you realize the lows aren't nearly as bad nor occurring as often. Today was a bad day. Get up and fight for your marriage again tomorrow.

Mr. Wondering

fifteenyears. I had a really hard time with that one myself. I put my FWH through the ringer forward and backwards yet he held on. One time after I apologized, he told me that I could put him through the ringer anytime I wanted. It made me love him even more.


Just keep working on your side of the street. 6 months is early days.


Don't turn it around on him fifteen years. You were cruel and hurtful also...in his mind he is thinking that at least he is straight forward and not deceiving you.

Don't give up fifteen years. Keep working the MB plan. Giving up will just show your BH that he was right not to believe in you again.

NG,

Your response is honest and painfilling because of the fact that it is so true yet hurts so bad. How do I respond when my H says he will never love me but his body language for the part few weeks tells a different story?

6 months is right about the time when a BS starts to come out of shell shock and feel anger. this is a part of the grief process, and gives you an opportunity to offer JC. you should not feel put out about it; you should be thrilled that he is still talking (and still w/you)! keep up the good work, and post here when you're feeling low. this will likely go on for awhile as your BH works through his grief. as long as you keep filling his LB, you will have a chance to get there in the end. you've already shown him the worst you can do; now is time to show him your best. is your BH posting here?