Thank you Letty, I needed that. No he does not post here

you're welcome ;-)

pity he isn't posting here to air his thoughts and concerns. plenty (sadly) of BHs to help out. good on you for making things right.

it's early days yet and you still have a lot of work ahead of you; however, you are still together and that is step one! the trick is being able to soak up his pain as he works through this. i know you know you've hurt him so badly you're lucky your marriage didn't implode. it really does take about 2 years for things to come right when the WS is doing everything they can, so just keep that in mind. when the WS *isn't* doing everything they can, it never recovers :O(

have you read doro's thread? you could be of help to one another. she is also coping with a BH who is voicing concerns about the longevity of their M, but he is also still with her and working with SH here at MB.

What is the name of her thread? I feel like I have read some of it but not all.

Here it is DoroM's Thread: Don't know if I should divorce after own infidelity

How do I respond when my H says he will never love me...

An ANSWER I cannot supply, because I don't have intimate knowledge of the dynamics of your intimate relationship.

A MENU I can propose

"Maybe not, but I love you, and let's see if that can get us restarted."

"I understand your hurt and distrust. Let me prove to you that I can be the wife you want and need again."

"I hope the 'never' is wrong. Give me a chance to work on that, please."

"You loved me once. I will be more of what you deserve in a wife in the future."

"Please don't say 'never'. I, on the other hand, will 'never' stop trying to make amends for the past."

These are not NG-isms. They are all verbatim from love-notes from my bride. You might try slipping similar notes in places where only your husband will find them, unexpectedly.

And the last, best one: "However much you hate the things I did, I detest them so much more because I did them to you."

(Have I mentioned before how much I love that woman?)

NG,

Thank you for all of those wise words from your wife but I think it might be too late. My H decided to leave last night and stayed out all night. We met up this morning and he told me that he was done. That he could not and would not let me into his heart again.

I asked him about the past four months at home and how I saw glimpses of the love and care that he once had for me. He cried, but remained cold and almost cruel. I begged him to give us more time that he had just begun to heal and I had barely had a chance to prove to him that I could and would be the most wonderful wife.

He did not want to hear it. He has given up and thrown in the towel and there is not a lot I can do.

What I don't understand is that he is either one of the best actors in the world and needs to get on a plane to Hollywood, or he has actually started to care and love me again and that is scaring him. Just last week he held me and told me how much he needed me. This is why I am so confused. He says he is numb, yet he has been so affectionate and loving toward me in the past few weeks.

He told me today that he has just been sticking around because of the kids but I am just not buying it.

I am sorry but I am not giving up even if he has. I can't because I know that he still loves me deep down somewhere. I will not give up until he tells me to.

I know this is an extremely selfish thought right now and I know it will pass but I honestly feel like crawling into a hole and dying right now. I know that I had the A and maybe I deserve this but this is the second time my H has pretended like everything was great only to punch me in the stomach and run away.

I know that he is hurting but he came back into our marriage only three months ago and is already ready to call it quits? He already played this game and left to have his own A, nearly destroying our children and now he is going to do it again.

I'm sorry, maybe I don't have a right to be but I am ANGRY!!!

Keep it to yourself...

infidelity breeds a whole lot of unfairness all around...

Your anger is justified and normal but expressing it to him won't likely help your situation. Anger isn't part of YOUR plan.


You can only control you.

Mr. W

my heart goes out to you 15y. there are sooo many of us BH's who would give our right arms to be in your H's place. ironic how it always seems that way. wherever there is a remorseful W there is usually an H w/ a hardened heart, witness WPG. stand your ground. do not be fooled just yet. it may be a ploy by your H to push you away on Mother's Day no less bc he feels hurt. Mother's Day is a funny thing. your H will always love you 15y. you are the mother of his children. you can never take that away. dont think for one second he has not thought long and hard on that. as you gaze upon your H and your family today, take heart.

it is indeed a struggle. it is hellacious. it is sad. it is long. but love overcomes all. be still. let go, let God.

Happy Mother's Day 15y! take solace that regardless of what your H has said to you today, you are still a family this day. you are still married to him. live in this moment.

hey Mr. W, Happy Mother's Day to the missus.

I'm so sorry to hear that the has left, fifteen.

I must ask: how do you know that his so-called "revenge affair" is over? What were the circumstances of that ? Who was she? etc.

Perhaps he's being really mean and passive aggressive going on like this on mother's day. Like it's a test or something to see how much he can hurt you to see if you really mean what you've been saying all along (that you're not giving up trying). He may even be doing this subconsciously.

Listen...recovery necessitates a whole lot of swallowing of your taker. As a [former] wayward on average you've likely got a very high/active taker. Putting yours in storage is likely a lot harder for you but it remains necessary. Do what you set out to do...stick to your plan and let the chips fall where they may. No expectations. You are a changed person. A repentant person. You'll be ok either way.

You will make it.


Mr. W

I always think the same thing when a spouse leaves suddenly for space. I hope you are snooping on him because there's no way to recover a marriage when a 3rd person is intruding.

Mr. W

Thank you Mr. W I needed that. I feel the same way like this is some kind of cruel test to see how much I truly love him. I really think he started to let me in and it is scaring the Hell out of him because he does not want to love or trust me again.

I just wish he would give us more time to break down his stubborn wall. I even suggested talking with SH.

The good news is, I have one more week with him to try to convince him that we are worth the fight. Our kids have a week left of school and we both agreed to "act normal" for another week for them. Below is the email that I sent him with a little help from NG


I know that you have made your final decision to give up and shut down, but I will not give up without a fight.

You don't love me, well that is fine because I still love you and want to continue to fight for us even though you don't.

You think I don't understand your hurt and distrust? That I think it will just go away? Hell no! I know it will not go away. But you have barely given me a chance to show you that I can be the wife you want and need again...forever.

You loved me once but you loved the old me. The new me is going to be even better than the one you loved before...new and improved model of Liz.

Please don't say "never" I am the only one allowed to say "never" as in I will "never" stop trying to make amends for the past.

However much you hate the things I did, I hate them even more because I did them to you.

I messed up our past but I will not sit back and allow my mistakes to mess up our future.

Do you really think ending us will take away the pain?

Thank you!!

That is a good questions and don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. This feels a lot like the first time he left when he was in a foggy RA. The difference this time is that he has been very transparent with me since he has been back at home. I have access to his phone at any time, I get on our phone records often and I have his email address on my phone.

The really scary thing is that one time he did tell me that if someone wants to have an affair and hide it, it is easy. All they have to do is get another phone and another email address. Those words always sit in my thoughts.

I don't think however that this is an A. I actually started this by putting pressure on my H yesterday. I think I pushed him into this. When he told me yesterday that he did not think that he could ever love me again, instead of taking it I got upset. I basically told him that he needed to figure it out and that if he felt that he could not ever love me again, then that is not the marriage that I wanted. I did not however mean that he had to decide the next day. Since he got mad and left last night we never got to finish our clear up this conversation.

BAM, that leads to today and his decision that he is going to leave and that he actually made this choice a long time ago but I sparked it yesterday. Something is just not right and I am not buying it. I know what indifferent is, and although he says that he is there, there is no way that he could be acting on some of the things he has said and done since he has been back.

I will not give up without a fight!!! Wish me luck this week!

You didn't answer these questions, fifteen.

Sorry SC,

He sent her a NC letter back in January. The circumstances of the A were that he needed to fill is ego and get revenge on me for hurting him so bad. It lasted from the middle of December until the middle of January. I found out about it through phone contact and confronted him. He immediately broke it off with her, sent the letter with my approval and we began working on rebuilding our marriage.

He moved back in the middle of February and I have been keeping close taps on him ever since. The affair was exposed to our families, children, and some friends.

WHO WAS SHE, fifteen?

I'm trying to find out whether she was a colleague, a friend or someone who lives in your neighbourhood. I'm trying to find out how hard it would be for him to have been seeing her all this time if he wanted to.

I should have just asked that, I suppose!