Have you read SAA? His love bank is totally in the red. You've got to fill it back up, slowly but surely. It's not hopeless.

Dr. Harley says the only way to recover from an affair is through the just compensation of building a great marriage. He can't just forgive you right off the bat. Eventually he has to get back on board, but it sounds like he is off and on. You can Plan A by yourself. Don't get discouraged, or he will too. Easier said than done, of course, but try to love him from a place of strength, because you choose to love, not from a place of weakness where you need something from him.

My heart goes out to you trying to turn this around. It says a lot that you are taking responsibility for your own actions - your mistakes, and your behavior now. Stay strong:)

NG,

It is so weird because last night we played tennis as a family and my H and I watched one of our favorite shows together. He was however a little cold.

My biggest plan is not to be a basketcase. Last time he said he was leaving I cried and moped around for days. I will not do that and will continue to shower him with love. The past three months he had been here I have done nothing but cater to him and my children to make them happy. He had even commented on how wonderful I have been.

I'm not really sure what else to do other than show him what he will be leaving behind if he decides to give up on us this early in the game.

..show him what he will be leaving behind if he decides to give up on us.

Perfect, my friend. Look good, cook(?) well, be attentive and affectionate, hide more love-notes,....

He may not get the message while he's home, you understand. You want him to notice the difference if he does move out, anyway.

Its funny that you mentioned the love notes. Just today I put one by the coffee pot (we both love our morning coffee).

Him leaving makes me feel ill. Not necessarily for myself but for my children. I am not sure if they can mentally handle him leaving again. I however promised myself that I would not use that at leverage to keep him here. He has to decide that on his own and I feel that he will resent me even more if I do that.

I have come to realize that I have done every last possible thing that I can to help my H and myself. I am truly a changed person and no matter what the end result is I can take that will me and continue.

It just makes me so sad. Because I really truly feel that if my H gives up on us, he will one day regret it. His heart is so hard right now and filled with anger and resentment. I wish I could find a way for him to see that letting go will make him feel so much better.

I know, I can only help myself and his choices are his, but is is going to break my heart if he lets these feelings lead him rather than our love.

Adultery, the 'gift' that keeps on breaking hearts.

Anger & resentment are both high energy requirement emotions.
It's exhausting to maintain for a long period of time.
Fear of having his heart broken, again, is his fear.

15, you know I'm in the corner supporting your M recovery.
Plan A, then Plan B sista'.
You know the drill.
Your 'calling' is now to elevate yourself above your raw emotions/fears, and to be the Plan A rock star .... on a time limited basis. Then, if necessary, you must challenge yourself even further to Plan B like the dark side of the moon.

You do have your limits as well.
I have no idea what those limits are.
You will make that discovery.

Sorry for your pain.

Thanks Pepper! You have been a wonderful support and inspiration. I am going to plan A my butt off this week and just let him decide what he wants to do without saying anything one way or another.

Plan A is a good call.


Plan B?


Write the radio show. Explain your situation, ask if Plan B would be appropriate.


Your H screwed up with his RA... at the same time, slapping a Plan B on a betrayed spouse who is struggling to make a decision to recover is a lot like using a steel toe boot to kick someone in the teeth in the hopes to motivate them to move.... when they are already buried up to their neck in the sand.


If your marriage is not better than it ever was after two years of recovery (in other words; using PoJA, PoRH, following UA, meeting EN's, LB's, making respectful complaints, fully transparent, adherent to EP's) you should divorce.

I agree with this and told my H that we needed more time. He is so back and forth but yesterday he seemed so cold and dead set on leaving.

Is plan B completely disconnecting from my H? I actually already told him that if he decides to leave that this is the way it is going to have to be.

I know he is hurt but this is the second time he has sucker punched me and caught me off guard with an "Im leaving" when I thought all was good. The first time it was to carry out is RA which to this day he says is not the reason that he was done with us and that is why he started his A.

[b][color:#FF0000]I am thinking if HE makes the choice to leave a plan B might be necessary for both of us. For me to stay sane and for him to truly see if he is better off with[/b]out me.[/color]

I'm sorry the Message above is ai confusing. I was fringe to test out the color.

I just asked H if he was coming home for dinner that I was making stuffed chicken. His response was "going to watch the game at T's(male friends house), so no"

It's like he is trying to hurt me and push me away. I don't even know how to respond to that. I don't want to be too pushy or needy but I can't be a total doormat either. I'm feeling so hopeless

15Y,

Dumb question, have you combed through the BH threads here to see what they wanted from their WWs?

Perhaps there is something he never got from you?

Perhaps the fact that he found his affair unsatisfying was too much to bear.

God Bless
Gamma

Not a dumb question at all Gamma. I have not only combed through, I have an MB journal of WW and BS posts that have inspired me to change and shown me how I can help my spouse.

I have said I am sorry with words and actions. I have asked him what I can do for him. Honestly Gamma, from my intense research on here many have said that some people just can't let go of the pain. That is where my H is right now.

He also keeps everything in instead of letting it out. Very bad communication skills which makes it extremely hard to know how he is feeling.

Just want to repost for emphasis.

And I say this coming somewhat from your H's position, having been burned again years after the first affair, except that your sitch is more complicated due to his (surely) fog from his own RA.

I would NOT give my STBX the chance that your H is giving you to Plan A him...even if he did everything under the sun to be given that chance... I am not trying to discourage you but to give you some perspective.

It sounds like you are trying your best...keep it up!

SQ,
That means a lot to me. Especially coming from someone who is in my Hs position and has been hurt in the same way. You definitely put it into perspective and remind me that all of the pain and sorrow I am feeling right now, stems from my own selfish actions.

Thank you for the perspective but also the encouragement.

15Y,

He also keeps everything in instead of letting it out...hard to know how he is feeling.

That would have described me for 20 years after my Ws affair early in my marriage with OM2 but before I found MB. When I found MB my W was in an EA with OM4.

The EA with OM4 by itself was bad, but given that I never recovered from OM2 it made me feel like my entire marriage was tainted, mentally my W never came completely back from OM2.

I suspect your BH feels that your OM2 was just a continuation of OM1, and that while you may have been loyal physically between those two episodes, mentally you were still wayward.

God Bless
Gamma

Are you and your wife still together ?
I can see where my BH with feel that way. in fact, his parents tried to convince him that I have been cheating our entire marriage. In all actuality, the 13 years in between I was the perfect trustworthy wife.

The most ironic part of the whole situationis my H put himself more tempting situation than I did and often told me white lies about what he was doing. So while he completely trusted me, I have never trusted him.

this is 1 of the things he can't get over, the fact that he trusted me with all his heart and I betrayed him.

My H just came home early from his friends house, before the baseball game even ended....this never happens. Said he wanted to watch our show.

Two thoughts went through my mind
1. He wanted to spend time with me
2. He wants to watch the final episodes before he moves out and no longer has access to them.

I'm going to go with one and go spend some quality time with him. Wish me luck

Sorry, I am a little pathetic right now posting so much but it is good therapy and I need to do it.

Last night went well. My H is still being cold in the area of affection but we are having good general conversation.

He did cuddle with me last night in bed while he was sleeping. It almost felt however that when he would wake up and realize this, he would turn away. He did this several times last night...either way it felt good.

Today I left him a poem on top of the chicken dinner I made him last night.

I will fight until the bitter end!!!!

Can you "all accidentally" snuggle with him?

As long as we're composing poetry, perhaps this one will hearten your outlook:

There was a lady named fifteenyears,
Who had to struggle with doubts and fear.
Her efforts would vary,
Her BH was wary,
But they reconciled to all our cheers!

NG is a poet, I didnt know it.

Hang in there 15Y, my wife did and we're going to get thru this. Let mood shifts flow right off you but dont be his doormat. Eventually a lot us come realize that a stupid mistake was made. Nothing else.