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Sometimes I wonder if he is really over the ending and acceptance of his EA? He admitted that a few days can go by where he doesn't think of her but then something will trigger a memory, like a song or things they talked about. This was strictly a online only short EA but he said it was filled with intense emotions. We are working on repairing.
It's hard because I feel he still ponders her and in fact in his apology letter to me he actually stated, 'although I would love to have known where that relationship could have gone, I made a choice when I married you and I further reinforced that choice when we had children. I love you, I love the kids and I love our life together"..... somehow that didn't sit right with me at all, the verbage was present tense.
How did you know your spouse was really out of the fantasy fog and what if it never truly leaves? What if it's like that old "one who got away" that haunts the marriage?
trying to find myself
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Sometimes I wonder if he is really over the ending and acceptance of his EA? He admitted that a few days can go by where he doesn't think of her but then something will trigger a memory, like a song or things they talked about. This was strictly a online only short EA but he said it was filled with intense emotions. We are working on repairing.
It's hard because I feel he still ponders her and in fact in his apology letter to me he actually stated, 'although I would love to have known where that relationship could have gone, I made a choice when I married you and I further reinforced that choice when we had children. I love you, I love the kids and I love our life together"..... somehow that didn't sit right with me at all, the verbage was present tense.
How did you know your spouse was really out of the fantasy fog and what if it never truly leaves? What if it's like that old "one who got away" that haunts the marriage?
That's not to say he can't get all the way out of the fog someday, but I can tell you that he's not there yet. He certainly hasn't accepted how lousy it was or what a wretched path he got himself onto. What he did was choose to play Russian roullette with your feelings.
A spouse who's out of the fog is "all-in" on the marriage -- in deeds & in words. No hedging his bets. No expressing regrets about the marriage. A WS who's out of the fog has no trouble confining his regrets to regrets for the affair & for his own misconduct in allowing it.
A WS who's out of the fog will have nothing but gratitude that he doesn't know "where it would've gone." He'll be grateful that you didn't put his clothes in Hefty bags on the curb & give him the chance to find out.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Thank you glove,
I felt the same way- in fact the whole tone of his letter felt like he was begrudgingly choosing his marriage/family over the "unknown" wonderful fantasy of his online love.
So how do I keep my head in the repair process not feel discouraged that I'm going to have a ghost of a online love in my marriage?
How did you get to that point of gratefulness and appreciation of your marriage instead of pining for the what could have been with the OP?
trying to find myself
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Hi Oceangirl2
I agree that he has a long way to go :-(
From the perspective of a WW, it's fairly obvious that he's still 'pining' for this OW. This is how I felt when i was still in the fog and in false recovery.
I believe i'm now a few months out of the fog and a thought about the OM pops into my head... maybe once a day. However the thought is usually a vengeful one, contemplating on how much I dislike this person and hope to never see him again ever!
What your husband should be imagining is what a future with his beautfiul wife and children looks like. Because if he doesn't get of this fog he might not have it. And it wouldn't hurt him to also imagine what a future with his family would look like if he hadn't had this affair.
Sorry if thats harsh, but i desperately wish i'd listenied to the harsh advice i got whilst still in the fog. I might not be in the position i am today.
Good luck and I will pray for your situation.
Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
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Sorry, not much advice there!
One thing i would recommend is for you both to press into God. Bring everything to him. Pray that God would give you patience and hope in this process. God can do anything!
Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
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Oceangirl,
I am sorry. The others are right. Your husband is still very foggy. The good thing about marriagebuilders, though, is that if you follow the plan - no contact, extraordinary precautions to prevent contact with affair partner, transparency in everything, building a romantic relationship between you and your H - your marriage can be better than ever and your husband will be out of the fog. Dr. Harley is a behaviorist and says that feelings follow actions. If you DO the plan, you can get past all of this.
My H was in the fog a long time. We had a false recovery when he contacted the OW after about 17 months. At that point, I told him that if he wasn't totally committed to the M, I never wanted to see or speak with him again. We attended an MB weekend (what is now the online program) and our marriage is recovering. My H is totally in love with me. I still have some moments when I don't feel as close to him. But, overall our marriage is doing very well.
Follow the MB plans.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Thank you glove,
I felt the same way- in fact the whole tone of his letter felt like he was begrudgingly choosing his marriage/family over the "unknown" wonderful fantasy of his online love.
So how do I keep my head in the repair process not feel discouraged that I'm going to have a ghost of a online love in my marriage?
How did you get to that point of gratefulness and appreciation of your marriage instead of pining for the what could have been with the OP? OG, Was your WH's affair exposed? Has your M been affair proofed? If so what have you done for this? How much UA time are you getting? Have you read SAA? Dr. Harley talks about the withdrawal the WS goes through. But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Everything has been done for several months, exposure to the world, NC ( except he did googled her name a few weeks back) IC and MC- working through all the MB plans and a few other plans. We've talked about what needs the affair was meeting ( validation, boost to his self esteem, feeling important to someone and flattered that a younger woman would want him)
So we've are working through all the ground work so that begs the question, -- what is feeding his residual "fond" memories of his time with her?? He says he has lots of regrets when he thinks of what he did but she was still intriguing to him ( she is in college for a field he finds utterly fascinating ( space) --and lives in a country that he finds interesting---
We are getting the UA attention and in fact just topped off the weekend with four hours of a delicious steak dinner without children and just enjoyed the non stop talking for hours on end during the meal---and yet at one point in the night when he was talking about how thrilled he was to be spending time together, he mentioned the shame of his mistake and yet he lit up a bit when talking about her for that brief second---*sigh*
I hope I make sense when I explain it like this but...... she will forever be "frozen in time" as perfection- while I will age, have a bad hair day, be grumpy, wash dishes, wear sweats while I work in the yard, and she will be young, interesting, exploring space and forever adoring ......at least in his head.
I know it's silly of me to be mad about that thought......their EA was just getting out of the gate when I discovered it so they hadn't really started to annoy each other, it was fresh, new, at the peak of the infatuation.
He ended it a few days after I discovered in mid development, maybe that's part of t he problem?
trying to find myself
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What about his porn addiction? What has he done for this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He's given that up- which hasn't been easy but he actually reached that point after he educated himself on how porn affects not only your sex drive, desires, mindset but also your overall motivation in life. He always hated that he was lacking motivation to do projects he never finished ( basement, landscaping etc)
Our sex life has improved but he does still experience some erectile disfunction from years of watching porn...he's trying to do a brain reboot based on yourbrainonporn
He only uses his computer around me but he does have computers at work but they are in public cubicles so there is no privacy to watch porn at work.
I'm not stupid though, I know people can sneak viewing it if they want,but I have not seen evidence of that. He has to want to help himself in that regard, I have my own healing to do and I can't be in charge of his healing as well as my own.
He has to be proactive in facing and dealing with his demons, but we do have to work together on the marriage-- I'm talking about his demons in regards to choices to view porn or not.
trying to find myself
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