Hi BR!

Thanks. That's how I see it, but since my feelings and hopes get in the mix, I wanted to get some advice. Thanks. I want to make sure he is ready if we move forward.

I've been reading about FR a lot (and your x's thread also). Amazing how they can say all the "right" things and sound remorseful, and still...

In my situation, with multiple As and a history of cheating on his first M, I need to keep the bar very high, expect more, see more.

Kayla - thanks for the words. Right on target! I feel more myself again.

You've got it!!

Because you're worth more.
Much more.

BH, thanks for the support.
Pepper - you made me cry

I was feeling quite at peace today. Now, sadness settled in. I guess contact with WH is bringing withdrawal symptoms again.

My advice would be that since he isn't serious about recovery, get yourself back into Plan B and heal.

Thanks, Scotty. I might need to reconnect with my IM and go dark again. WH is driving me nuts. He sent me an e-mail now with lyrics to a song:

"Brand New Day"

How many of you people out there
Been hurt in some kind of love affair
And how many times do you swear that you'll never love again?
How many lonely, sleepless nights
How many lies, how many fights
And why would you want to put yourself through all that again?

"Love is pain," I hear you say
Love has a cruel and bitter way
Of paying you back for all the faith you ever had in your brain
How could it be that what you need the most
Can leave you feeling just like a ghost?
You never want to feel so sad and lost again

One day you could be looking
Through an old book in rainy weather
You see a picture of her smiling at you
When you were still together

You could be walking down the street
And who should you chance to meet
But that same old smile that you've been thinking of all day

You can turn the clock to zero, honey
I'll sell the stock, we'll spend all the money
We're starting up a brand new day
Turn the clock all the way back
I wonder if she'll take me back
I'm thinking in a brand new way

Turn the clock to zero, sister
You'll never know how much I missed her
Starting up a brand new day

Turn the clock to zero, boss
The river's wide, we'll swim across
Started up a brand new day
It could happen to you - just like it happened to me
There's simply no immunity - there's no guaranteeI say love's such a force - if you find yourself in it
And sometimes no reflection is there

and it goes on and on...

I married such an immature guy. How did I not see it before?
And it would be OK if he was just immature, but not when part of his behavior includes adultery and lies and deceit.

You've grown through all this. You're no longer content with the status quo.

This weekend I found out WH is still in touch with OW.
He again looked me in the eyes, saw my hurt and distress, and told me lies. Again. Empty words and empty promises.

I wasted good hours and days obsessing whether I should make an effort at recovery. My guts kept telling me no, and I decided to wait until I could see a real change of heart from him.

Now I see he is in the same place: entitled and not willing to make any real efforts.

I wonder if he will ever get it. I am done.

Estrela, PLAN B.



I am sorry that you found this out, again.

Get yourself into the safety of Plan B, and know that you trusted your gut. That is very important.

So sorry also. At least you didn't go through with trying recovery like he wanted. Give yourself a pat on the back for heeding your own uneasy feeling. A false recovery can hurt worse than the original DDay.

Get back under that cape of Plan B.

Time to go dark.

Next time it needs to be even harder for him to have a chance at any contact with you. In the meantime, stay dark and worry about your own R.

I'm sorry you had to endure another D Day.

That you hesitated, and did not race into a false recovery, shows how much you have grown.

Hugs to you estrela.

Now, what have you got planned to be extra nice to yourself for Plan B?

I am really sorry you had to go through this and I know that has influenced your personal recovery, but its great that you found out early and did not go through FR. Hugs and back to plan B.

Estrela, you have good instincts and a high bar.

WH is a fool!

Estrela, I saw your reply but couldn't post from my phone.

Personal recovery is a roller coaster, ESPECIALLY with WH having broken through your Plan B with his half-hearted efforts.

Keep posting.

I feel it is safe to vent here. When I feel weak. When I deliberate over the plans. I need the feedback, the encouragement, the 2X4's.

I hope you feel secure and confident enough to vent here and seek feedback even if it may not be what you want to hear.

I'm thinking of you.

Caracal - thanks!

I re-read my post and hated it, that's why I deleted it.

Hated the way I am trying to pressure myself. And I guess I also feel ashamed reading so many brave people here, and all I want is go to Plan D and be over with all.

Like I said before, I am not ready for Plan B again, even if I loved it.

I think I am trying to decide if R is even a consideration, and if not, just move on.

I know I can Plan B and then go straight to Plan D, but something in me is wondering how I feel when I am with WH, when I talk/hear from him. I guess I am looking from signs that it is really over.

I really think my WH won't change. He has a lot of good things going for him, of course, and I really think I still love him for the good things we lived together, and he is the father of DSs, BUT I am not willing to endure any more pain, not now, not in 5 or 10 years. And I know this is what I can expect from him.

Thanks for checking on me!

oh, estrela, i'm so sorry. sometimes, plan d is the only answer. you can't keep living like this. ((((estrela)))

Nobody ever feels ready for Plan B. But if the logic of the situation demands it you ignore the treacherous feelings.


You arent going to be able to make that decision outside Plan B.
Inside Plan B you're safe and have time to focus entirely on you and on what you want. Your bar is raised higher.

Outside Plan B you will be under constant fire from WH. It will be like standing in the middle of a hail of bullets, trying to decide what you want for dinner.. get out of the war zone if you want ot make decisions - wise ones!



Its his job to make recovery possible. Your job is to ignore him and make a great, PEACEFUL life just for you. Just moving on is what Plan B is all about. People confuse it with a recovery plan when it isnt about recovery or saving the wayward at all.



I am glad to hear it. Now get him out of your life while he is toxic with Plan B.