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Joined: May 2012
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Hi all. Here is my situation.

I have been married almost a year. DH and I were familiar with MB concepts before we got married. We both agree with all the basic concepts but we have been having trouble with follow-through.

Specifically, the biggest problem in my mind is that DH has issues with LB's when he loses control of his emotions, which is frequent. He doesn't scream or really yell and hasn't hit me, but so far he has kicked over a bowl, thrown a plastic spray bottle at me, blocked the door while I was trying to leave and refused to let me go until I threatened to call the police, slammed doors, stomped around, ripped a blanket off of me, and said all kinds of hurtful things that he regretted later. He always apologises but he keeps doing this stuff. This past week I was really sick with a stomach bug, and when I woke him up in the middle of the night to help my find the tylenol because I felt like passing out every time I stood up, he got angry at me for waking him up, then demanded to know why I had left the bathroom door open and why I was wearing his sweatshirt. He made me change into a different one even though I was having chills, then he kicked something and told me how inconsiderate I was being towards him. I have never seen him be so mean and abusive before, and it really scared me. He apologized the following morning, but it doesn't help if he doesn't change something to keep it from happening again.

Aside from that, he seems to make a really big deal complaining about what seem to me like tiny things I don't do to his liking. For example, he's gotten really upset over me leaving lids on too loosely in the pantry, eating the last of the leftovers without asking first if he wanted them, forgetting to clean off the cutting board after using it, or being 10 minutes late to pick him up at work. It's not like he just asks me to do things differently (which I'm willing to negotiate on), but he will continue to be upset about them for an hour or more after I've already apologised.

We have not been successful in implementing 15 hours of UA, and he complains a lot that I don't spend enough time with him. However, he hardly ever asks me on a date in advance (in spite of me asking him to) because he says he hates planning and it's too hard for him because of his ADD. When I do spend time with him, he's often on his phone half the time surfing the internet, or he wants to go home early because he's tired or hot. When we actually do things together, I initiate it much of the time.

His main complaint about me, other than that I don't spend enough time with him, and small complaints like I listed above, is that I don't have a job yet (this has only come up recently). Our finances are not bad as he's got an excellent job, but he has a ton of student and other debt that he's worried about paying off, plus he's just an anxious person in general. I really want to find a job, but it's hard for me to even think about it when I'm so stressed out already with our marriage and all the housework. I moved to a new city for his job shortly after we married and I don't know anybody here yet, which makes job searching harder.

My dad and my best friend both like him, but don't think I should put up with his behavior anymore and offered to help me if I wanted to separate. Personally, there are a number of things I love about him, and I want the marriage to work, but I'm getting close to running out of energy.

So I guess my question is, is it worth the money for the online/coaching program (which will probably cause H even MORE stress about the finances), or is this marriage not worth saving in the first place? Will it even help? He is willing to do the program with me and also to pay for it. I think he's not unwilling to change, but it seems like he's not sure how and he has trouble sustaining the motivation to work on stuff in a consistent manner.

Thanks for the input.

EDIT: here's a summary...

-Married under a year
-H has anger management/LB issues
-Says he wants to change but doesn't quite seem to know how
-Is the online program worth trying?

Last edited by pinkelephant; 05/14/12 12:46 PM.
Joined: Dec 2009
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pinkelephant, I have not taken the online accountability program so I cannot comment with first hand knowledge. What I can tell you is that the MB on line programs are grounded in science and are not philosophical musings. They are proven to work.
That said, your husband has not grown up. I know, I was 54 before I grew up and worked to end my own angry outbursts and tantrums when the world did not go my way. I am concerned about you being blocked from leaving a room. I consider that a very bad sign and much more than an angry outburst.
I strongly recommend if your husband does not know how to change that you get him involved in MEVAC, a group of Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control in their lives. He will be given lots to read and he will be given options of discussion groups by phone and journaling groups and lots of examples of what his behavior does. What sticks in my mind is the cartoon of an angry man yelling with a punching bag coming out of his mouth striking his wife. Your husband will be taught that he has developed habits and behaviors that NEVER WORK, and NEVER MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER and that make YOU DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE WANTS....
You do not deserve to live with his tantrums. My wife didn't. No spouse does. Please google MEVAC and look for Men Ending Verbal Abuse and Control. And one other comment, nearly every single member of MEVAC became a member only after their wife set and ultimatum, left them because of the tantrums etc. So... you need to know that your willingness to make his participation and membership in MEVAC a condition of continued marriage just may well be necessary.
The fog that a verbal abuser lives in is not something the verbal abuser and controler sees until something dramatic happens and begins their wake up. To this day, I cannot believe that I did what I did. I actually lied to myself for years. But I also know this behavior can change.
hurting turkey
me: BS 57
She: WW 50

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He needs to get his anger under control.

Listen to these clips.
Anger Mgmt 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Another good radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about that you control your own anger and mother's do not make us angry.
Radio clip on We control our own anger


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2012
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There are times in my life where I struggled with anger, probably not to the same degree as your H but there are holes in my walls at home where I got so mad that I threw a cell phone through one and punched one. These two occurances happened over the span of 4 years. I let "crap" build up inside me. I didn't like talking about it and my W had to drag it out of me. I didn't like those outbursts and thought I could control them. I felt extreme turmoil inside and had to match the my inside pain with a physical action. Your H is possibly the same. The keys that worked for me is I had to realize that I couldn't control my reaction when everything built up. I had to develop outlets through friends to let the steam off and had to open up to my wife. You can't change your H's anger...but you can lend an ear to allow him to blow off some steam. Based on your post it sounds like your H is frustrated in general if he doesn't communicate his frsutration in some way it will build up leaidng to outbursts. You can't force him to talk because this will also potentially lead to him exploding on you. If he wants to let out some steam...lend an ear but don't judge. Don't tell him he is wrong just let him vent. I hope this helps. I encourage you to try and keep up the good fight. Guys can change.


Married in 2004
Seperated (but living at home) on May 15, 2012

3 Kids with my wife
1 kid before I met my wife

Her EA 11/2011

I am in recovery for a sexual addiction
(pornography and talking to other girls inappropriately)
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One of the great things I took away from this site was learning to take responsiblity for my anger. No one can make me react in anger, unless I let them.


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer

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