Better.......

"Starting August 2011, your wife was my H's mentor."

My cat is being a brat.
he thinks its his mouse.
Gotta go.

So when are you sending the exposure letters?

Read this.
Joseph's Letter

I know you are all sick of me for not doing exactly as I should have. If I had found MB back in early January and exposed correctly, then this would all be different. I read and re-read the texts between H and this woman and there isn't anything sexual until the one day that I didn't get the whole series of his texts but I saw he said "Stroke stroke" to her about something. The texts were only flirtacious and joking.

So is this about the fact that he does so many things that hurt me and doesn't consider my feelings, or is this about an EA? I can't answer this. Is it about being married to workaholic? Is it about him lying to me about our finances and purchasing a new expensive vehicle or totally reflooring our home when we actually couldn't afford it? Is it about a secret, lying life that existed without my knowledge, that hiding from me drove him slowly away from me to keep it all hidden? Is the budding relationship with this homely, unattractive woman just the final straw?

My husband says he finally wrote a response to Dr. Harley at the radioshow and before he left for scouts last night. He told me to turn on his work laptop and read it. Not sure if I should post it here or not. I don't have it, but the main points I remember from it is that he was not happy in our marriage for many years and it is "a miracle neither of us were having affairs." He went on to explain that the relationship with that woman was taken out of context, that she was just a friend, he has no feelings for her and never will. That it isn't an EA because he didn't feel anything for her. He did say in the letter that he feels she did have feelings for him, now that he thinks about. But he doesn't miss her in any way shape or form.

He said he was a "ship without a port" for a number of years. In one part of the letter he says he was unhappy in our marriage and fell out of love with me, yet he just worked and came home, but didn't look for an affair. Yet then later in the letter he states that he did fantasize about having a person who admired him and didn't criticize him (exactly how he described his friendship with this OP).

I think back about the time when he stopped participating in the marriage and how I do agree that like many of the women in Dr. Harley's books, I gave up and because my love bank was drained, I quit meeting his. I guess I succeeded in making him feel as awful as he made me feel. He was trying to explain that he always had love, but not really. I asked him, "You loved me but you weren't in love with me?" and he said yes.

So is exposure really the answer? I will find out tomorrow when I ask Harley.

Follow Steve's advise to the letter.

Just a quick update on our situation.

We had our first session with Steve and Steve is now out of town. We have our next appt scheduled next week. He talked to H first for about 40 mins, me 15, then us 10. He said that he will be our coach through the MB system, but first the gash has to be treated. That I have been badly hurt and this must be repaired first. He senses that H isn't telling me everything. He said H must cut off ALL contact with OW. He blocked her email address and if she shows up at any work event, he is to leave. He gave H a few things to work on to try to build trust. My H finished LB book, as did I, and now as part of my EP's, he is reading the Surviving an Affair book. Now he is just surprised that I never had an affair based on the way he has treated me our entire marriage. It has really opened his eyes to his mistakes. He had an EA (although he won't call it that) because I finally gave up on him and did my own independent behavior and stopped meeting his ENs. It was likely a matter of time before I was off on my own EA. I always tried to keep myself at a distance from men to avoid that. Don't think there weren't offers. There were. I just kept them at arms length or stopped talking to men who were flirting with me.

I am sick, have been down over 24 hours throwing up and with a headache. I hope it is just bad luck and not from the stress of the past 6 months. I still feel like there is something out there that he isn't telling me. I asked Steve about the polygraph and about exposure to the OW's BH and he didn't answer. I'm planning to ask again during the next call. I do feel like there is something he has done that he isn't telling me, still. Not sure how to address this problem.

Thanks for you support,
TinT

Please let us know what Steve says about the poly and the exposure to OW's BH.

Tomorrow is our 17th anniversary. I was on our old computer that our son uses and decided to look for some things (emails) that I know I had saved between us in the past. I found emails from 2002, 2003, and 2004 all stating to him that I needed him to work and volunteer less and be home with me more. Begged him many times to be the husband any woman deserves. Not sure how it is that these memories get forgotten, but reading them makes me sad and not optimistic that our relationship will ever be maintained like I want it to be.

He says it will be different this time because we are using MB and will follow it for life. I feel so pessimistic that it will ever change. Just needed some reassurance that these men really can change.

TinT

If the MB plan is followed, then, yes, people can learn to change their habits. You both just keep doing it every day, tweaking whenever needed.

We keep refreshed in the MB teachings by listening to the audio series periodically and also going through Draw Close. The radio show is also a very good education on what makes a marriage great.

The hard part is learning the new habits and the negotiating skills needed to follow the POJA.

But yes, it can be done. There are lots of folks who still post on these forums who are in recovered romantic marriages. Reading their posts is encouraging, because they are proof that it can be done.

MB isn't just for the men to change it's for both spouses if they both follow the program.

The program must be followed or it won't work.

When you get into recovery if not now, I would get rid of those old emails because they will be constant triggers.

Oh I agree that we both need to work hard to keep with the program for life. The problem I see, especially after reading the old emails to each other, is that he loses focus. He is a workaholic and he will go into that mode and forget about me. I will do my best to hold him accountable for the POJA and his independent behavior. I also want to work hard to be radically honest with my feelings and not be a protector liar. An example of this follows:

For our anniversary we agreed on a spending limit and to buy something special for each other. I thought long and hard and bought him a crucifix necklace. He has never had one and has always wanted one and since we have been praying more and getting closer to each other and God, I thought it was a really nice gift for him.

He got me 3 pedicures. His reasoning is that he knows I like them and wanted to get me some. But the spa he bought them from is across the parking lot from work, so really easy to get, no time to purchase them at all. Also I get a pedi every couple of months and love them, but they are something I would get regardless of if he gifted them, if I wanted one. So I felt like he didn't really give me anything. Also, it isn't tangible. I can't look at it, hold it. I use it and it is gone. So after all the hXll we have been through, I get him a very special gift that took thought and he bought me something I give myself anyway.

Well I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I didn't tell him how disappointed I was in his gift at first. I also felt ungrateful for feeling that way. Normally I wouldn't have said anything, but decided that the new me needs to be radically honest and tell him how I really feel. So I told him today. I am very proud of myself for opening up about how I felt about the gift.

What is everyone's take on the gift? Am I reading too much into how impersonal it was? It isn't as bad as the licence plate cover he bought me for Christmas.....

But anyway we are working the program, he is reading SAA. We have our next appt with Harley on Monday. My plan is still to ask him about exposure and polygraph.

Thanks,
TinT

Let us know what Steve says.

My husband took my car to have it serviced today. I have access to his vehicle all day. My DS3 is at grandma's house too. I'm finally getting a VAR an installing it under the dashboard. Found the perfect spot. I'm not chickening out this time.

Let us know when you've completed this task.

Yes, yes.

TinT. Look at it this way...now you have the perfect excuse to drop in at his office unannounced after you get a pedicure. It is also a good excuse to be in the parking lot by his work. I used to keep an eye on my own FWH this way. After the fact and putting 2 and 2 together, I now realize that I came very close to catching him meeting up with OW.


Don't feel bad...I got one for christmas too. It got totally mangled in the car wash.

DH had to but me another one. Same thing happened again. I think his intentions were true...just misguided in trying to be creative.

Drop in randomly....I like it. This could be good. I will have to do this all summer long.

I took my DD15 for her pre-op appointments this morning. I thought it would be an hour and it took two. I haven't gotten the VAR yet. I hope to find one at Walmart or RadioShack when I go out for groceries. My DD15 is having her 6th surgery next week. She has a congenital birth defect and has had surgeries since birth. I'm getting nervous about the surgery. In the past H has left me after she goes back for surgery. He would just walk off and not tell me where he's going, sometimes for 30 minutes. This time I have told him that if he needs to go off I need to know where he is gong and how long because abandoning me when my daughter is in the OR is a major LB. he has agreed to stay by my side this time. I hope he can be the husband I need him to be.

TinT

((((DD15))))