Hello everyone.

I've been lurking for a while but thought it might be time to post. Have read as much as I can, and any advice would be so appreciated..

I'm 31, H is 35, we have been together 14 years and married for 6. We have 2 kids, 2 and 4. The last year or two have been hard for us; looking after kids, H works crazy 12 hour shifts with no pattern, I worked 2.5 days and went in on his days off. I have been ill over the last year with under active thyroid too (now sorted).

I encouraged H last year to apply for a job in a different section of his organisation, I knew he would love it and the shifts would be better for us. He got the job, and has been away all through this Feb/March on training for new recruits. Home at weekends only...he became increasingly distant during the time away.

He came home at the end of the course and I had the "I love you but..." talk. Our marriage was apparently over, no trial, no counselling, he was refusing to consider any work on the marriage. I was devastated. He didn't want to move out straight away, but stayed at his mother's a few nights to give me space...only he wasn't at his mothers, he was staying with a girl from his course.

I didn't let him back home after I found this out, and he admitted he had met someone else. have made it clear to him that I want him to stop seeing her, and to work on the marriage. He doesn't want to, and is "in a relationship" . He is not living with her and is looking for a place of his own.

Does anybody have any thoughts, I am reading about plan A and plan B and am working out how to apply them...thanks.

Welcome and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OW? Does he work with her? Is she M?

Get ready to blow this up. Read this.


Exposure 101

Here you're in Plan A Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Sorry you are here.

Your terminology suggests he military or police (I'm guessing police?), is that correct? If so I have some further suggestions on that. I can only imagine you are dealing with a new recruit/trainer affair, these are a dime a dozen.

You need to find out who she is and how he met her. Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Welcome to heartbreak hotel, MM. We're sorry you're here. Try your best to rise above your emotions and get into Plan A. Minimize the disrespectful judgments and emotional outbursts around him(very tough to do), and be firm in carrying out the carrot and stick of Plan A. Read about on this Web site and buy Surviving An Affair.

Is this your husband's first affair?

Prepare to fully expose your husband's affair. The vets will give you plenty of advice on how to carry this out.

You have our support and prayers.

Thanks both. The OW is single and he works with her now. I exposed to his family, my family, all friends and colleagues,and parents at our D's school. I am thinking of now going after her fbook friends list.

He is a paramedic ( we are in the uk), so similar to policeI guess...they met on the training course. They were staying in dorm type accommodation, and basically living the single life and bonding as a team that now work together. they will have known each other 2 months max, I know a small amount about her but only through Facebook.

Haven't read that book yet, but am working my way through as much as I can.....

Well, I'm not surprised. I sensed that much. It's a very typical affair pattern in emergency services- police, fire, paramedics. Same ol' schtick. Seen it personally a dozen times.

You will need to find out more about her but part of your exposure will be to notify his superiors about what happened. You said colleagues, but I am wondering if you made it clear to higher staff about what transpired.

Your marriage CANNOT recover if he continues to work with her, not even anywhere in the same district/mutual hospitals where they will transfer patients. This will be a condition of your recovery.

Justthe3ofus, this is his first affair. He has always hated people who have affairs! And he adores his kids and has been so involved in their life so far. But he has withdrawn from them too, the last 6 months or so, which is before he could have met her I think. We have always been so, so happy. I can't explain how sad I am that at the first sign of trouble we have, he runs away.

Alis, I haven't told their superiors at work, I could do that. How do I go about finding out more about her? What kind of things am I looking for? I know she looks like me, only shorter and with a bigger nose!

I can see they would have to work in different areas for us to recover. I can't really think about this yet, as he is adamant he can't see a future for us. He hasn't ruled out that he may realise he's made a mistake in the future, though. It's so confusing for me, as he hasn't moved in with her, and has even spent some nights in his car. All his clothes are bagged up in our garage, he only has one bag with him.

I've spoken to him very briefly tonight on the phone. He was in work and very short with me - I am guessing he was working with her. He talks to me very differently when we are on our own.

I told him our house is on the market, he told me he has taken out a lease on a flat. I can't afford to keep the house myself, and we had been thinking of moving anyway, so I'm not rushing into selling our house. I told him that if I do buy a house on my own, that he would be welcome to join us if he stopped his affair. His response was "er, yeah, ok". Is this the type of thing I should be doing for plan A?

I'm feeling really unsure of myself. Realistically is there much hope in this situation?

Hey MM

I'm in the UK too and have knowledge of the field your WH is in ( I applied and was successful with the London ambulance service but due to budget cuts couldn't carry on with the training).

Your best shot at killing this A and bringing him back to his senses is exposing to his bosses, I successfully got compensation from my H employers when they failed to stop an affair he was having and actively encouraged it. At the very least the bosses at your H workplace will separate them and put them on opposite shifts to avoid trouble.

Second task for you is to expose her on FB, copy and paste all her friends list onto a word document then contact them using MB exposure template.

Dont put any stock into anything your WH says or does right now, he isn't himself he is a wayward and they are a nasty species. Just treat him as a druggie who will do anything to get his fix (the other woman) and therefore not all there.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and your job right now needs to be to make this affair as hard as possible for both of them. Expos� him to his bosses and her to her FB friends concentrating on her family members.

Thanks NB. I will send the template letter to their bosses. OW is a technician and WH is a paramedic, so there could well be trouble as he is in a superior position? If they would put them on opposite rotas that would be fantastic, they will never see each other, especially with him having the kids and working overtime to pay their maintenance.

I've got some family members of OW on Facebook and will be messaging them tomorrow. I want to do everything I can in my power to end this. For some strange reason I still care about him and can see he is hurtling towards a disaster if he carries on.

MM

I would add to the template you send to the supervisors that you request them to be places under separate opposite shifts, this A started under their suprevision and they can't shrug responsibility or incur any bad press because of it. Swapping their shifts should be easy.

And as far as her FB goes none of her relatives would ever be on friendly terms with your WH knowing he abandoned his family thus making it hard for them to ever have a good relationship where he would,be welcome by her parents and siblings.

My H had an A with a coworker, it was a real nightmare, he went from being caring loving to hateful in a few short weeks. I did my best to bust up his Affair, and it worked. She still hasn't recovered from the humiliation of messing with a married man and he has been remorseful and apologetic for his behaviour and we are recovering. Standing up and fighting for my marriage was the right thing to do even when he was angry with me or hurtful.

Also make it clear to him if your divorce you will name her as the reason on the divorce papers.

Mess, sorry that you are here. You have already received some excellent advice. When you expose, it needs to be done all at once. Since you want to expose tomorrow, then you need to get the list of everyone else you need to expose to and do it in one fail swoop.

Telling your WH that there is a place for him in your new home once he ends the affair(for life) is exactly in line with Plan A.

There is a link in my siggy for newly betrayed spouses and it will help guide you through the site.

Welcome

I had thought contacting people on fb was getting dragged down to their level, but I can see that if I can make this more hassle than its worth for OW she could walk away anytime. Great, I've got some things to do tomorrow....

What happened after your H affair ended? How long did it take for him to want to work on your marriage? There seems to be so few examples of reconciliation after the WS has actually left.

And thank you Scotty, I will go and read your link now. I'm getting information overload! It's keeping me busy though, busy is good....

Don't forget to mention that the affair was conducted using company resources (the dormitories and training establishment is a work resource put there by their employer to assist them while they train not to conduct an affair).

My H left for 2 weeks, he got friendly with OW, then came home after a few strategic threats from me and involving his parents, he ended it with the OW on the day I dicovered the A but I guarantee you thing would have rekindled had I not exposed, made her life a misery at her work place by exposing and keeping a very close eye on him. He carried on working with her for 1 year wich was hell and I was getting the usual psyco babble of him not being in love with me anymore etc for that whole time. Finally got him to quit his job and things got better slowly at first. Then I finally got the guts to lay down the law for him, either he stopped his independent behaviour and commits to the marriage or he can move out. He choose the first option and has been amazing ever since, he is better than he has ever been, he is so loving it's almost scary, he's a better dad, husband and all round happier in himself.

It took alot of heartache for me to get here because I refused to listen to the good people here and put up with alot of things that I shouldn't have put of fear but once I got the guts to stand up for my rights it all worked out.

How supportive have his parents been of his choices? Is there anyone who can influence his decision on the family or the friends front?

and next time he is dumb enough to say he's in a relationship reming him he is still married to you therefore he is having an affair not a relationship.

I had to show my H the definition of the word affair in a dictionary before he finally admitted it was just that, to his wayward fried brain he wasnt having an affair he was simply having a relationship within a relationship ( those were his exact words).

Hi MM, I am sorry for the pain that has brought you here. You have been receiving great advice so far.

As you would have read on this site exposure is the best way to kill an affair. FB exposure is a useful tool. Letting people know the truth is not stooping to their level.

You have already shown strength, stay strong, you will find lots of encouragement and support here.