I have been married about 8 years. The first year of our marriage I "talked" to another W in a chatroom because I was feeling lonely. My W found out about it and I promised it would never happen again. About 5 years ago my W and I went on vacation and consumed way to much alcohol. I had a "sick" fantasy to watch her with another M. During this vacation this situation unfortunatly played itself out. At the time I thought it was mutual between my W and I. However the next day she essentially blacked out and didn't remember anything. I witheld this information from her for 2 years. I couldn't stand the guilt and felt that she should know what happened. I didn't understand her feelings for the past 2 years and the impact this had on her. She lived in denial the first 2 years while my youngest son was born. She felt as though she was violated and I was the one who allowed it to happen to her. I didn't understand this trauma and over the past year believed she hated me. She completely withdrew and I was cold and unloving. This pushed her into a 3 week EA that only stopped because I found out and almost left. Only over the past 4 months have I learned that I had some "sick" desires that I have worked on with a counselor. My W says she loves me like a brother and has no feelings towards me and still sees me as the person who has hurt her over our marriage. She is right. I own that. She has been dealing with PTSD and depression. I can't explain the extreme amount of guilt I feel for destroying my W in the manner in which I have over the past few years. Her EA broke me to the point where I realized I had to change. I have worked on myself and realize there is still alot of work I need to do. My wife is miserable in our marriage, she is only staying because she feels that she can't make it on her own nor does she want to hurt our kids. She just wants to be happy again. I am putting in 110% of the work and letting her go out whenever she wants and do whatever she wants with her friends while I stay at home and write papers for her school and watch the kids and do laundry. (I am not resentful towards her becuase I want her to be happy). Over the past 2 months I thought things were headed in a very positive direction but over the past week it is as if we are back to square one. She is extremly mean and critical of everything I do and tells me she doesn't even want to come at nights and wishes she could just keep driving past our house. She says counseling is dumb because she knows what they are going to tell her. She feels that she is pressured into staying with me and has no other choice. I want what is best for her and sometimes think the only thing that will give her the peace she needs is to be divorced from me. I want her to be happy even if it means I have to let her go. As i write this today I believe I could live the rest of my life serving her in the way I am now and be happy. I am scared that I'll not be able to keep up that fight because I don't have any needs met right now. I also don't want her to live the rest of her life with me being miserable. Maybe 4 months is not nearly enought time to allow her to heal before we work on our marriage...I don't know. I don't want to lose her...but how would you feel if you had to live with someone who violated you? This may be beyond her capacity to forgive...and I wouldn't blame her. My heart breaks for her everday...my heart breaks for the pain I've caused my family. Am I her best chance at her finding peace?

Seems pretty accurate.

Important distinction: you were both responsible for the state of the marriage. She was totally responsible for her choice to have an EA. You didn't push her into anything.

Does this stem from using pornography? Have you quit? Is that entering into your treatment?





Is she really incapable of doing her own schoolwork? Do you go to class and take notes for her too?



I smell a wayward and a guilt-ridden, appeasing BH who is letting her get away with it. You need to snoop - start looking at cell phone and credit card receipts, keyloggers on the household computers and her cell phone, VAR in the car. Don't let on that you're snooping and don't confront.

None of this gets you off the hook for what you've done, but for now I think your best course of action is to plan A and snoop. I would also click 'notify' and ask the moderators to move this to the Surviving an Affair forum.

I would get a DNA test done on your kid... especially if it is close to the time you let another man be with your wife. I take it you waited til she passed out to fulfill this fantasy? Do you have a PORN problem?

I personally think your wife should come here and post... maybe we can help her through this trauma.

YOU however should read all you can here. Learn about plan A .. learn about emotional needs ... learn about extraordinary precautions.. LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE! Get the questionaires from here and print out 2 copies of each and present them to your wife and fill them out and exchange them... I would also call the radio show here and get the good DR.s advice on this..

Get some of DR> Harleys books .. LOVE BUSTERS, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS, FALL IN LOVE STAY IN LOVE, HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

MAYBE your wife should charge the OM with rape?

This is tough to give advice on... I am not sure what to say Hopefully someone has something more constructive to offer you.

MNG

You posted this exact thread back in January and received excellent advice.

Why aren't you taking this advice?
Phoenix20's Original thread

The timing of my youngest son and that "event" are too far apart. (like 2 years apart)

I wanted to make sure everyone was aware... I have an addiction to sexual conversations and was clean for 3 months...last week I talked to another girl in an inappropriate way and my wife found out yesterday and kicked me out. This is about the 4th time Ive hurt her and I am going to get back on track with professional counseling. Yes porn addition is one of those things I need help with. I also have issues with fantasy stuff and then talking about it when I feel emotionally lonely.

I keep failing my family and tried so hard not too. I just felt so lonely. I know I have a problem and realized I lost her because I couldn't "control" myself. It sucks...really sucks.

She had emotionally checked out a long time ago and I finally gave her the reason to seperate. I never had any desire to be with someone else and wanted to do whatever it took to make things work but my addiction crept back in and destroyed the last chance I had. I had let her walk all over me and I felt alone. She ran to call/text OM last night after she kicked me out. Its obviously too late. I am 100% sure she had stopped talking to him because I tracked all that stuff. But she didn't meet any of my emotional needs while I strived every day to meet her. She was just miserable no matter what I did.

I feel sick to my stomach that I allowed my addiction to destroy my family.

I just wanted her to hold me accountable and help me make it through the recovery process of my addiction but she had to focus on her own issues and I wasn't strong enough to do it on my own. I have so much heartbreak for the pain I caused her. She doesn't believe me that I never wanted to hurt her and the addiction is completely seperate from who I want to be/am.

Phoenix,

You must deal with your addiction before anything can be done about your marriage. Are you in a 12-Step Program? If not, you need to start there.

This is about the 4th time Ive hurt her...

Do your children the best thing possible and do NOT try to get back together with her and them until you have grown the hell up. In your current addicted, maladjusted, and perverted state, you are not marriage material.

To use your wife as a "prop" to engage in voyeuristic, sadistic behaviour is heinous beyond my limited powers of composition. You are not that far (and I don't care to hear your protestations) from utilizing your children that same way.

Have a nice life....

Neverguessed...i appreciate your feedback. It hurts to hear but youre right. I am not marriage material. I thought by giving her everything it would fix me and realized it didn't. I need strong feedback like that because I want to be healthy person that can have a family again.

In order to be a healthy person and have a family again, you need to get yourself into a 12-Step Program.

I am meeting with my counselor today (again). I printed out meetings in my area. This has to be my journey to freedom so I can live again. I've already lost too much.

You actually doing and staying in a program is all in your power. No one else can do it for you. Only you.

I thought if I gave 100% into my wife...that I would fix myself in the process but I was wrong. I let it all slip and realize that I wasn't far enough along.

PXX, whatever your state of mind/spirit today, that does NOT have to define you as a final product.

Get the help you need. Believe in the power of (directed) human growth and redemption. You can be a worthy person, with the corrections you need to make.

Good luck to you. Seriously.

Thanks I appreciate it. I am now staying at my Mom's house. What I want is for me to be healthy again and forever. For me to not every hurt someone I love. I want my wife, my kids and myself to be together. She is done with me.

Day 2 of recover restart...still breathing...heart beating...4 hours of sleep last night

What's your Plan?

When I was here back in Jan...I was correctly scolded for not having a plan. I realize a lack of plan is a plan for failure. I am going to my first group meeting tonight. I will go to at least 1 group meeting a week and see my counselor every other week and join a small group in early June run by my counselor. I will go through my handbook on a daily basis.

I will create a daily task list to make sure I stay on track. I have to find love from God and learn to find peace in the middle of a storm.

I will see my kids at the designated times and make every effort to care for my wife. She wants nothing to do with a relationship with me but is choosing to be nice. I have to let go of my relationship with her (which is sooooo hard). Our seperation is through the end of summer which at that point may either continue so she can rebuild her life or see if there is any hope at all of reconcilation. (Right now everyone in her family wants nothing to do with me and are working with her to help her rebuild her life). She has told me she doesn't want me to focus on her, and only think of her as my "sister". Right now I don't have a plan to "save" my marriage because she doesn't want it anymore (i've hurt her too much) and I can't be a Godly husband until I am healthy again.

I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I recently learned this little tidbit and it totally helps. I could share more of it but this is the just of it to keep it simple.


Which then becomes a self fulfilled prophesy (I speak from experience that quote above is totally TRUE). This prophesy is either negative or positive depending on how YOU WANT to think about yourself. This is the awesome power of being human... we can change and use our intelligence to alter our perception of ourselves and or make necessary changes to aid us in that direction.

ALSO! .... KILL YOUR DESPERATION! Women are turned off by desperation and will respect you even less by being so down on yourself. Get some SELF RESPECT... OWN what you did, man up and take the necessary steps to correct your mindset and perversions and provide some JUST COMPENSATION to your wife in a manner that is respectful to yourself as well as your wife.... Oh and quit groveling! Its very UNMANLY.

Become THE MAN your wife NEEDS you to be! Work on yourself to improve your self image (work out .. eat right .. get plenty of rest and some sexual addiction help) and ... make your focus on YOU .. IMPROVE YOURSELF, then your wife will notice the changes when you make them FOR YOU (dont do them FOR HER because you will not recieve the support or motivation from your wife right now in the condition and mindset SHE is in. You MUST motivate yourself to accomplish these things) and she MAY want to come back to the NEW YOU once you show her that you have changed and improving your CHARACTER.



I wish you luck my friend...

MNG

Feelings follow actions. Sounds like you have until the end of summer to prove to your wife your actions.

Stay focused and work hard my friend.

Also read this.
Basic Concepts