You Plan A until the moment you enter Plan B.

That does NOT mean that you are easy on her in the divorce. In fact, you protect YOURSELF first. These are HER consequences, she needs to feel them.

There have been marriages which have been saved in the 11th hour. There have also been some who have ended, and then the spouses remarry each other. Don't bank on either one though. Just do what is best for YOU.

One last thing, remember that Plan A has both a carrot AND a stick.

Thanks for the reply Scotty:
I have been better recently at telling her that her A is not my fault. I have and will always take responsibility for my actions, but she must take responsibility for her own actions..... This really maddenes her, and she constantly tries to blame shift, but I have been better at holding my ground. What do I have to lose? I am getting much better at redirecting her when she comes at me with accusations, I am not sure if this is reverse fog babble and would love a link to that if anyone has it in their back pocket. It will greatly appreciated.

Ok. I think I am still in A but things are really starting to turn for me. She is away with ow this weekend. Wed to Mon. And first she wants to take d9 shopping with her and ow to which my reply spwas simply f*** no. Second she wants me to have conversation or real communication. I have begun replying w one word. Because I am in pain I Jude plain hurt and in order to stay and not convey how I feel I just say I am fine.... she wants me to open up and I really want her to know that the three of us are fine...prolly a sh***y plan a I know. I just don't know how muchmore I can take. She keeps saying we need to communicate because we are going to have to talk about the kids..... in the back of my mind I keep thinking I prolly wont be talking to you at all, you will be talking to my intermedairy... where and what do I do from here??
I am clueless

Well just another update, I have been here just lurking and reading as much as possible.. I am still in plan A but things are really changing for me, much less affected by the ww. Feeling pretty good overall. Actually took time for myself last wkend and went to vegas w a friend. I actually said to him" it feels good to be allowed to be happy. I question whether I am reaching for personal recovery just as much as I am reaching out for my wife. I sometimes feel guilt for not helping her more through her mental distruction. She is slowly losing her place as #1 and that space is being captured by my children and myself.

2 days ago we had a conversation: she told me not to let people walk all over me..... and I responded w a dj. And said, including you? She didn't take it as a dj, and responded even me.
Persecution for being a nice guy?

Then last night she says, I need to talk to u about some dates(to go see ow), I react nonchalantly and take them in stride, and the very next sentence is" I don't want to move out, I really like how our family is and I like how life is. I know I love you, and I need you in my life for so many things, you are always there for me, and fill so many of my needs that I can not imagine my life w/o you, but I don't think there is any spark there and I think that part of us is ruined.

I came back with this whole family and this life is dependant on us being married. That does not seem to me to b what u want.


My q is during those times where she is thinking of the consequences of her actions

Is it good to push back, or just let her feel for her consequences

Good lord man, please push back!

You've been on here for a long time basically accommodating your wife's affair! You two sit down and discuss when she'll be gone to her sleaze fest? Then you watch the kids while she canoodles with her lover? There is no way in hell that I would tolerate that and I have no idea how you've done so up to this point. This is not plan A. It is plan doormat.

You've been so nice about it all that she thinks it can just go on forever.

Seriously. You need to start playing rough. If you hadn't had an affair yourself you wouldn't be so crippled here. Obviously the guilt you feel about that lets her run roughshod all over you.

File for divorce all ready and get the best attorney to be had. She needs to feel some consequences here and not in the form of pithy little comments. Otherwise you'll still be posting this insanity 2 years from now...

Zibbles thanks for the reply. You hit the nail on the head about the guilt from my affair. I just keep thinking, I was so f****d up in my thinking and I woke up, that she will wake up soon. You are right and I appreciate your response. Any others care to lend advice.

I agree with Zibbles. Please push back! IMO, WW is asking you to stand up and man up! Affairs are about boundaries or lack thereof. Just as kids need boundaries reinforced, so do waywards (actually more so, lets face it, kids can be more rational lol). You sitting there scheduling into your diary her preferred dates to skip off into rainbows and unicorns with OW while you sit at home looking after the house and kids and I don't know... darning her socks IS NOT putting boundaries in place.

Show yourself some respect. Show WW some boundaries and consequences. Give your Plan A some stick!

ok I am back.
I don't know if that is good or bad.

I will recap, my wife deceided to leave me for another woman, last july.

I spent lots of time on this site reading posting some, in plain agony. I tried to plan A for about 6 months. I tried to be everything she could ever want. I made it until about the middle of Jan. When I started to feel mentally different......This is where I should have run to Plan B......

But I didnt.

I was advised by my attorney to stay in the house, and take care of my kids. Which i did!

I endured many of her scheduled rendevous and deceided to do the best that i could.... It sucked... We were two drones, roomates living in the same house with virtually no real conversation except about the kids.. I constantly had to watch her go. I tried to hunker down and dissassociate mentally from her,,,, I came to grips that she was not coming back and tried to actually mentally move on..... and I wasnt doing half bad!

About 12 days ago she went on one of her trips to see her friend and was gone about 10 days, when she got back we sat down and had a strange conversation about how she thinks she is ready to work on our marriage, as long as it meets some of her qualifiers.... it must be fun and honest and some other things, that did not seem out of line with mb concepts.


My question wtf is going on, how can she think that she is in any position to put any qualifiers on me(even though i agree with all of them... It really pisses me off.
I feel like this is a pump fake and that there is no remorse for anything she has done.

WTF do I do

How do I come up with EP's when it was a woman
where the heck do i Start
and do I even want to start at this point????

Can you afford the coaching center?