I have actually scheduled an appointment with a counselor. He has agreed to go. She is someone who we have been to in the past in regards to his children and one I have been to in the past with my previous relationship and previous marriage - so history has been established and we are very comfortable going to her.

From what I can tell, he seems to make a "mistake" and then doesn't realize that there are consequences and also solutions. I feel like he would throw in the towel over minor problems...

To answer your question in regards to an affair: yes, he was involved while still married to his first wife.

I don't feel that he is involved with someone. He just doesn't know how to manage his son and therefore feels like he should shield me from the stress his son seems to be causing.

I'm under way more stress as it stands. I just don't know how to get it across to him that I am willing to help in any way I can and that I need to know what's going on in his world...

Diamond, most marriage counselors are so destructive to marriages that you are taking a major long shot by going to this counselor. MC do not have any idea how to save marriages, which is why I suggested using Steve Harley. Thye have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. We see the disasters from marriage counselors every day on this board. You are unlikely to get any kind of help from a traditional marriage counsleor.

Did your relationship with him begin as an affair?

I am very confident in the counselor. I have to start somewhere. I believe she can get to the bottom of his dishonesty with me and get him to see the destruction it's causing in our marriage.


No, our relationship did not start as an affair. He had been divorced for about 2.5 years...

Diamond, what is her plan to save your marriage? And does she plan on counseling you apart? Counseling couples together is terrible for marriages in crisis because of the lovebusting that occurs. Counselors who do this actually erode the love bank even further.

What about this counselor gives you confidence?

I don't know what her plan is. I do feel she can shed some light on the course of action that we need to take. If my husband is being honest with me in the fact that it was his son texting and asking for money - we need to figure out a plan for his son.

His son has been diagnosed with Asbergers, is 19 years old, holds down a job and lives in his own apartment. He just can't seem to handle his money well and is in constant turmoil with his siblings and mother. This creates a lot of stress for my husband.

My husband goes above and beyond for his son but at the same time, needs to teach him the life skills that he needs to survive. His son is very smart and can learn. What he has learned that is not a well learned skill, is how to manipulate people and my husband finds it hard to tell him NO.

I just need my husband to confide in me more and let me know the stresses in his life so that we can work on things as a team and to not sugar coat or lie about the situation...

When I was in my previous relationship, she helped us in regards to coming to a common ground, seeing things from each other's perspectives and finding a common ground. We just realized that we both wanted different things and so we parted...

"When I was in my previous relationship, she helped us in regards to coming to a common ground, seeing things from each other's perspectives and finding a common ground. We just realized that we both wanted different things and so we parted..."

But she did not know how to save your marriage. And this is the problem with marriage counselors. They have no idea how to save marriages and this counslor is no different. Finding common ground does not save marriages and is a distraction from focusing on changes that can save your marriage.

A good counselor would have helped you learn to become compatible and could have saved your marriage.

Why do you have confidence in a counselor who was not successful in the past?

"We just realized that we both wanted different things and so we parted..."

Wanting different things is a problem to be ovcome, not a reason to get divorced over. That is how MB differs from traditional counseling.

I wasn't married when I mentioned my "previous relationship". When I was married, it was my choice to divorce as there were too many issues to work out and my then husband was unwilling to put forth the effort. I don't regret either decision.

"We just realized that we both wanted different things and so we parted..."

This statement was when I was in the relationship, not a marriage.

I went to several counselors and finally found one that was willing to work on what I/we wanted to work on so I have confidence that she will get us on the right track. I have no desire to divorce - I just want my husband to understand my need for honesty.

I have printed off several articles from this website and am planning on going over some of them with him tonight.

I hope that it works out for you. My hesitation with marriage counselors [and Dr Harley's] is I have been on these boards for 11 years now and know how destructive they are to marriages. We get the fallout on this board every day.

It is frustrating especially when a spouse usually has one shot to get her reluctant spouse into counseling and it is squandered on a counselor who hasn't the slightest idea how to fix a marriage. And the damage caused by counseling couples in conflict is enormous. They leave their counseling session more angry than when they went in.

Harley actually states that marriage counselors are destructive to marriages.

Update:
Went to our counselor. Husband did most of the talking. Brought out his dishonesty and how that was affecting our relationship. She obviously agreed, gave him some insight as to what the end result would be (divorce, continual distrust, etc). He agreed and said he would get back on the right track.

We then left that subject and went directly to figuring our a way of coping with his son (Aspie) and how to deal with money issues with him. We gained a lot of insight and helpful information.

Things seemed to be going well. Looked over more of the material from this site and figured out our needs with one another.

Today, I was blind-sided...AGAIN.

Have been still checking his email. Came across one from a woman yesterday and have been "monitoring". Wasn't sure if I were reading more into it, so thought I would step back, keep watching and see.

It was idle "chit-chat" and I wasn't sure if it was someone that he worked with...still not sure who she is. Bottom line is: the last email that he sent to her today, gave her his cell phone number "in case" she was interested in texting. Oh, my lands.

I don't know where to go from here. I know I can't trust him and am very certain I will not get past this.

He's in the middle of a possible job change, we have the normal stresses of life, have a fun-filled weekend planned and I'm just about to explode with disappoinment, sadness, and pain...

Who is the OW? You need to gather Intel. Your H is starting an EA.

I'm not sure. Never heard her name mentioned before. When I googled her, it came up as a person who was part of the staff at a local church...hence, the "wanting to give the benefit of the doubt"...

What do I do now? Confront him and ask?

Well he's done this before correct? He is still having IB. He knows there are no consequences for his actions.

Why don't you call Steve Harley?

Well, just as "predicted"...he denied till he no longer could deny. I spilled the beans as to how I knew (his email account).

We talked, we cried. I asked him to send her an email telling her he had made a mistake and for her not to contact him. I have requested his passwords to his email accounts (work wise). I feel absolutely horrible in having to do so.

I guess the part that hurts the most is: I truly trusted him, had been on cloud 9 since the first time we met (2008), and was totally blind-sided by his actions - this past October and now.

How does one really recover? At this point an EA seems to be just as devasting as a physical one...

I'm not quite sure where we go from here. I can't afford the session with Steve Harley. I am completely comfortable with the counselor we do go to. I just can't get in till June 11th - but am on the "cancellation list".

How do I pick up the pieces?

Who is this woman? Is she a coworker? Is she married?

My husband works for a school district and I believe she is one of the mothers. I don't know if she is married nor does he (so he claims).

I believe I do know where she works...or at least where she volunteers. At a local church. Go figure, right?

I would get her full name and marital status and call her husband. You can nip this in the bud now. You can find out if she is married by looking her up on facebook or intelius.com. If she is on facebook, you might be able to PM her husband and tell him what you found. Ask him to look too.

How does your husband explain this? Is he having an affair with this woman?

I don't believe he is having an affair. He just met her at one of his outings for the school and kids.

I can't find her on FaceBook.

Since I do have her email address, would it be adventageous to send her an email from ME and explain what I know and have found out?

Try intelius.com or pipl.