Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 4
H
Junior Member
Junior Member
H Offline
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 4
Hello everyone, this is going to be a lengthy post. My wife and I have been together for 17 yrs, married 9 of those years. I am 37 yrs old for those curious folks. Let me, about a year ago I received a text from a guy that he was having an affair with my wife. The guy turned out to be co-worker. I was devastated, so angry. So I left work to go confront my wife at home, I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for. Her first words out of her mouth were " He verbally abuses me!", I was expecting I'm sorry, I feel so bad, etc, etc. After she said that I told her to pack her things and leave. We have 2 kids ages 10 and 7 and I am the parent figure in their lives. I absolutely did everything when it came to our kids. To cut some time, I did not kick her out of the house. We stayed together another 6 months, that is when I received another text from the same guy telling me that my wife won't leave him alone. So there I pretty put 5 holes my walls and so forth. I had enough of the lies and we split back in July '11. You know she never told me anything about the affair, because of this we fought constantly the last 6 months because I couldn't trust her. I have this feeling she was not over him and blah blah blah. It stemmed from her not wanting to talk and answer my question regarding the affair. I don't even know what I did to contribute to the affair. She keeps saying nothing, we never fought. Financially wasn't the best but we lived ok and kids have everything they need. So when we split she left to go live with him, I had no idea until Feb '12 i yet get another text from the same guy saying he and my wife are really over this time. I was fine since we split but receiving this text just opened old wounds. I started to pursue my wife again and ask her to come back and work on our marriage. I really do love her, I know I am ready to go forward but she is so distant. The last conversation we had about us was that she doesn't love me and wants to date other people. I am about ready to quit, I have been looking into divorce but after talking to lawyers it makes me sad. I do not want to go that route, it is a sign of failure and giving up. I asked her if she wants a divorce and she tells me she doesn't know what she wants. She says she doesn't want a divorce but tells me she doesn't have feelings and wants to date others in the same breath. She is not active in our childrens' lives, at all. She might see them 10 hours a week. It is entirely up to her, I do not interfere with her and the kids, I just know she could easily spend a lot more time with them but she chooses not too. I am very confused about all this. My questions are, when do you know it is over? Am I wasting my time waiting? Should I file to divorce to protect my relationship with my kids? Should I file for child support? She does contribute anything at all? Will filing for child support just push her back to the no return point? Maybe we are past the point of no return and I am too blind to see it. I just know I love her and would love to have my family back together. But it takes two to make it work and I am close to giving up.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Is this OM married?

Who have you exposed to?

Read this. Exposure 101

She needs to write a NC letter yo this OM.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
You're in Plan A
Carrot and Stick of Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Originally Posted by hapswrld
But it takes two to make it work and I am close to giving up.

IMO you should get that loser of a WW out of your life as quickly as possible. Life is WAYYYY too short for you to spend time with someone like that instead of someone else that actually deserves you.

Plan D and a bulldog lawyer are my recommendations.


ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 219
I just know I love her and would love to have my family back together. But it takes two to make it work and I am close to giving up. [/quote]

Hi and welcome to MB, you are in a good place with people who can support and offer advice. I don't feel like I should/can offer too much advice, i'm new-ish here too. However, i'd like to put a couple of thoughts out there, from my perspective as a WW.

I would say don't give up yet. You've spent 17 years with this women and built a life and family together. She is cleary in what we call the 'fog'. During this time waywards can be completely delusional (I was) and not thinking straight at all. Additionally, it sounds like your wife is quite a selfish person (sorry if that offends you). I'm saying this because i have been a very selfish person for most of my marriage, and am slowly learning how to change now. Is your wife a Christian?

Stick with Plan A and pray (like you've never prayed before) for her to 'wake up'.


Me: WW, 33
My BS: 30
Married: 11 years
1 x Child: Daughter, 3 years
D-Day: 10/8/2011
Fighting to save my marriage.
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
I started to pursue my wife again and ask her to come back and work on our marriage. I really do love her

How utterly poignant, my friend! Such devotion is an inspiration to goopy romance novelists everywhere!

Here's the fly in your lovey-dovey ointment - SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. She hasn't for well over a year, and left you to go get her pipes cleaned on a regular basis by a randy co-worker looking for an easy piece! He used her like a box of tissues since she moved in with him (leaving you the children?). She doesn't even fake an attitude of remorse or reconsideration of her immoral behavior.

And you want to know if you should get back together? Does the phrase "Yes, Ma'am, may I have another - with your steel-toed boots this time?" sound familiar? Well, that's what she's hearing, my friend. And her response?

She says she doesn't want a divorce but tells me she doesn't have feelings and wants to date others in the same breath.

Save yourself months of useless struggle and pain. File on the basis of abandonment, adultery, and mental cruelty (or whatever combination is available in your jurisdiction), and start your life over.

WWs that move out have a point-zero-zero-NOTHING chance of returning to the marriage. That's reality, not a novel!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by hapswrld
I am about ready to quit, I have been looking into divorce but after talking to lawyers it makes me sad. I do not want to go that route, it is a sign of failure and giving up.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but you should accept that your wife is gone and act accordingly. You have absolutely no reason to hope for this marriage. In order to recover your marriage, she would have to make a radical 180 degree change and she has no intention of doing so. The wisest thing you could do is file for divorce and get legal protection and then go into what we call Plan B. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get that book and read up on Plan B.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Welcome to Marriage Builders, hapswrld. Sorry you've had to find your way here.

Your WW is an entrenched wayward. You have been getting texts from her scumball that are, in fact, making you a partner to their spats. Example:
Quote
I received another text from the same guy telling me that my wife won't leave him alone
Quote
I had no idea until Feb '12 i yet get another text from the same guy saying he and my wife are really over this time.
This is outrageous, and I applaud your restraint in not pounding that dirtbag to a muddy pulp. You DID restrain yourself, did you not? Or are you so afraid of your WW's wrath that you sat back and put up with this nonsense?

I doubt you can salvage this, and you have become a partner in this little romantic game they're playing together as you sit back and take the emotional abuse you're getting by accepting dirtbag's texts to you whenever he gets mad at your WW. You are a cog in their machine.

Get yourself out of that dynamic and file. You'll make yourself crazy if you don't, and I think you deserve better. Your kids deserve better, too.

BLOCK THAT IDIOT'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE. Why would you sign on for crap like that? Why would you want that drama?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 05/16/12 08:28 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 633
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 633
HW,

I'm so sorry not only that your wife had done the worst thing she possibly could to you but that she shows no remorse for you and your children. Even in my foggiest fog all my H had to say was if I talked to the OM again I would lose my children. Maybe it was an empty threat but I was not going to risk it.

Your wife is being selfish and cruel and rubbing her saltly boyfrind in your the giant wound in your heart.

I don't know what to tell you because I am still learning so much. I can tell you that no matter what you decide this site and forum will give you the strenght to go on.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
Dude, for Melodylane to tell you that things are bleak and to move on is a pretty big thing.

I see her as a classic cake eater. She wants to keep you on the backburner as her fallback guy while she explores her options.

I would document the times she's with the kids. Keep track of all the time you have with them.

I would expose the affair to anyone who may be of consequence. Her family, your family, the kids, and any friends which can put pressure on it to end.

Expose the affair to OMW if there is one and to his family.

She feels she can come back to you at any moment. Take that security away from her.

I would also make her face consequences. I would file for abandonment and request child support from her. Make your separation legal. It doesn't mean you're filing for a D, but it does put a burden of responsibility on her which she should have.

I'm sorry you're here and hurting.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
...for Melodylane to tell you that things are bleak and to move on is a pretty big thing...I see her as a classic cake eater.

Edited for clarity: The "her" above refers to your WW, not Melody Lane.

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 995
This is truly one of the more pathetic cheating wife stories I've read, my man. To go bang another dude is fairly standard fare here. To have no remorse about destroying her family and to have her deviant boyfriend repeatedly contact you with inane comments is unfathomable.

I'd be moving on with your kids and fast if I were you.

When her boyfriend dumps her and it will happen, she should have nothing to come back to. Nothing to be in love with here from where I'm sitting.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 568
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 568
If you can't bring yourself to file for D yet - which I empathize with (I'm ashamed to admit I'm finally going into Plan B after Wh's 3.5 on again/off again affair), you CAN get a legal separation. The sooner you do it, the better. Make sure it's filed and signed by a judge, or it won't hold up. If she comes around, great. It's easy to just sign the separation away. If she continues to go downhill, as my WH has, you and your children are protected.

I would put absolutely everything you want in there - custody of the kids, child support, the house, anything. Tell her you need it for your own peace of mind while she's figuring things out, if you have to. Sweetly get her to sign it. Put a time limit on it - mine said something to the effect of: can be converted to a divorce agreement at any time with the signatures of both partners; after (one year, or a specific date - whatever time frame you decide), can be converted to a divorce agreement with the signature of only one of the spouses required.

He signed it fairly easily, as it seemed "temporary." Part of the reason I pushed it so hard was simply because I needed something legal in order to get my kids into a house, and I wasn't ready for D. I was still holding out hope. But i thank the Lord that I have it now - he's gone completely off the deep end, consumed with OW, doesn't care about the kids, trying to take away CS. The separation protects me.

The one thing it doesn't specify is HOW CS is to be received - which is an issue now. So I'd even put that in there. He is now trying to withhold it, something I never imagined he would do. OW wants his money. So I have not signed it over to a D. (He did, after much prodding from OW). Since OW is pushing so hard for his D, I told him to send an addendum to my lawyer specifying exactly when and how CS is supposed to be received, and then I will sign it. Worst case scenario, even if he refuses to do that, I still have 3 months in which all it takes is a signature from me now to convert the agreement to a divorce agreement. Even without specifying when and how on CS, the amount is locked in, I have my house, and other things he would never agree to now in this psychotic-raging-addicted-alien state of mind.

After the 3 months, when we get to the date we specified, he can push it through as a D on his own, without my consent. But everything we agreed to is still locked in. My lawyer told me he would have a very hard time trying to contest it and start new D proceedings like he has threatened to, because we already have a legally binding agreement, a court document signed by a judge.

I also worded visitation very carefully, with lawyer's help. He said if I put "no visitation" it would flag it and the judge might deny it. Instead, it says that I have custody, with him having visitation as "WH and children agree." That is helping to protect my children from being forced to go with him now, when he is an emotionally unstable train wreck. The sep order says they get to decide if they want to see him. (My kids are older, not sure about yours - may be a little different with younger children, but get legal advice).

Just a thought, an option to protect yourself and your children. Easier to get them to sign when they're in la-la land than when they start to realize the misery they're in, and you're the scapegoat for all that anger.

It cost me $1,000. A lot of money, but not nearly what I was afraid it would be. My lawyer was willing to take payments. $320 of that was the filing fee. If we convert it to a divorce, it's the same filing, so I do NOT have to pay the D filing fee again - it's covered. So probably worth looking into. Good luck.


Married: 22 years
Me: BW 41
Him: WH 43
Sons: 19, 17, 12
Daughter: 16
DD 8/09
EA started 8/08
PA started 7/09
Brief recovery of a few months in there.
Separated 10/10
Legal Separation 8/11
Plan B 5/17/12
Plan D 5/31/12

My Story
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
X
Member
Member
X Offline
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
[b][color:#FF0000]
WWs that move out have a point-zero-zero-NOTHING chance of returning to the marriage. That's reality, not a novel!



You are just basing that on MB stats right?

Actually,mortarman 's wife returned after moving out.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
MM is more the exception than the rule. I've been here a couple years now and there are few cases where a WW (who left the home, which is rare enough as "smart" WW's who want custody/etc hesitate to do so) returns.

MM took a hard line. He lives in a state that is VERY unfriendly to adulterers, and that, I am sure, worked in his favor.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
X
Member
Member
X Offline
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 268
Does anyone know why more WH return as opposed to WW after moving out?

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Member
K Offline
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
I think it is because the WW's commonly don't move out unless they're "attached." When they leave it's often because they think they've found their soulmates. Often, a WH won't leave his wife because he doesn't want to leave his wife, he just wants extra.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
B
Member
Member
B Offline
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by karmasrose
I think it is because the WW's commonly don't move out unless they're "attached." When they leave it's often because they think they've found their soulmates. Often, a WH won't leave his wife because he doesn't want to leave his wife, he just wants extra.

In SAA by Dr. Harley, in the real case "John and Sue", Sue moved out and moved in with the OM, until the affair died a natural death and John went into Plan B.

They are now in a recovered marriage.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
hap/rainsweet,

Wages can be garnished, which is what I recommend you do.

Hap, bud, I know you're hurting. We're not going to sugarcoat anything.

Your WW is a cake eater who is using you while she searches for anything that may be out there that she considers to be better.

The only solution to your problem is that you stop the cycle.

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 517 guests, and 92 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Limkao, Emily01, apefruityouth, litchming, scrushe
72,034 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0