But there is a serious point being made by the comment, and as you did with my comment you are missing that point. You are missing the point in all the comments that you see as "bashing".

If someone tells you that the way you write sounds as if you are single, you should stop and think what that really means instead of taking offence.

For a married man to come across to others as if he is single says that there is something very wrong with the way he conducts himself and the way he appears to NOT think about his wife when he is not with her.

You appear from your own description to have been behaving for some time as if you leave your marriage behind you when you close the front door in the mornings, and from that time on you exercise the same rights to have lunches with women that a single man has.

The point is that this was not just wrong several weeks ago. The point is not to "bash", "point the finger", "push it in that direction", "call you out", or "rehash". We would SOOOO not waste our time coming here to do that.

The point is to get you to see that your mindset needs to change so that you are never again a single man at work and a married man only when you are at home. People are tying to give you advice on how to conduct yourself in the future, by pointing out this deadly "single man" behaviour.

My point with the Clinton reference was to show that you appeared to be doing the same thing he did at that time; having an affair and denying it was an affair because it did not fit your strict definition of involving sexual intercourse. It turned out on further investigation that what Clinton did was just as unfaithful as sexual intercourse, and I was trying to point out that what you did was just as unfaithful, too. If it was something that you would not have done in front of your wife's face, then it is a form of infidelity.

Everyone who has posted to your thread is a valuable poster to this forum and has helped many other people improve or restore their marriages. Nobody who posted to you was the kind of poster who goes around "bashing" people without having something productive to offer. We do get such posters from time to time here but they do not last very long, because the spirit of this board is a positive one.

Your post is arrogant in that you do not see that you have a lot to learn from many people here, not just from GloveOil. However, we can leave you to GloveOil's care if you feel that the rest of us have nothing to offer you. Just let us know.

I said sounds like you "ARE" single...not "ALREADY" single. Two very different things.




I love SugarCane.

McNal. Take a deep breath and read our posts with an open mind. We are not trying to attack you...we are trying to help you save your marriage.



We call that sweeping it under the rug and it will not help to save your marriage. Your BW's resentment and hurt will build up inside her until it turns to hate. I know you do not want that.

So you are willing to take a poly. Good ! Do you need help finding a tester? I would put this right at the top of your list. I know if my own DH was suspicious of me; I would jump at the opportunity to prove my innocence.

Mutual, dear friend!

You are not in a position to dictate how others post to you. You are the LEAST objective person on this thread, so I would strongly suggest you start listening and thinking about what people are saying to you. Just because someone says something you don't like, does not mean it is not helpful. It just means you don't want to hear it.

Dude, probably the best book I've found on sliding down the slope into an EA (first), followed by a PA (eventually) was Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. You are an archetype of the folks in that book, and, incidentally, my FWW as well. (Read my second note on my thread in my epilogue, okay?)

And remember NG's Infidelity Algebra: EA + Time + Opportunity = PA.

SugarCane, your posts to me kept me from sliding back into a dark place. Your really are a dear friend! I have found peace.

McNal. There are many wonderful people here that can help you to save your marriage...but you have to want the help even if you don't like it. You are very defensive and that is a (just an observation...not bashing)

You are a lot like my own FWH and so I personally know that you "can" change and fix your marriage...but I don't see it yet when you continue to have contact with OW and continue to play the victim over our so called "bashing." You really haven't even remotely received a bashing here.

Can you afford the coaching center?

That would show your BW something.

See folks these comments rock the way they have been put on this page. Thank you for some further explanation on some of those earlier posts. I have always had a hard time with forums or letters and prefer phone calls or face to face because there is to much room for misinterpretation. Thank you all for this further clarification I was taking many of those comments the wrong way. I'm headed to work but will get back to some of you and your questions in the next couple of days. I am pretty much at work or asleep from here until Saturday and cant access these boards from there. Thank you again for the comments.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, McNal. I'm sure we can help you get through this by following Dr. Harley's plan.

I just want to ask, have you read the whole Basic Concepts section on this site? Many of those concepts lay the groundwork for why Dr. Harley's specific recommendations are important. Some of them are completely obvious, and some are not so intuitive. Have you read these? Are you working to educate yourself here about how to have a good marriage? Dr. Harley is literally giving away free marriage therapy here, and it's got a proven track record versus most regular marriage counseling, which fails. Don't look this gift horse in the mouth!

Seriously, have you read the Basic Concepts?

Here Basic Concepts

Hi McNal,

Welcome to MB!

Search everything you can about boundaries. Read those threads and absorb all that you can!

Welcome to MB. I see we rolled out the red carpet for ya.



This right here SCREAMS of poor boundaries. As someone else mentioned, this is okay while you are single, but a married man's only female friend should be his wife.


This isn't going to be NC. Every time you see this woman, even in a crowded room, you will experience a rush of feelings, and thoughts. Eventually, you will think that it is harmless to just go over and say "Hi". Then, you will crave more and more contact until you have gone into the full blown PA, and possibly thrown away your whole life.

The NCL is going to mean NOTHING if you actually continue to have contact with OW.

The way that people post here does help. It's a collective. While there are times that you are going to agree with certain posters, and disagree with others, you will see that in the end, we were all here trying to help. We all have our own posting style. If, however, you ever feel that a poster has crossed the line in regards to TOS, notify the mods. They'll take care of it.


Do you see how in your initial post, you blamed the time that you and your wife weren't spending together as a reason why you were having problems in your marriage? That is an important part of MB. You need to schedule at least 20 hours a week, of UA time until you are fully recovered, and then you will need to have 15 hours per week to maintain your LB.

First, however, you will need to end ALL contact with OW, even incidental.

Read through this site, and ask any questions you may have.

Have you considered doing the online program? It would help you, a lot.

Do you have any of DrH's books? Have you or your wife read them?

McNal,

The greatest recipe for an affair is poor boundaries. Nobody ever starts with, "Hey, lets get a hotel room during our lunch break and screw each others brains out."

It never starts that way. It starts exactly in the way that was making your DW uncomfortable.

Here's the thing: Your wife should be the ONLY woman that fulfills your emotional needs. When you made your vows you stated that you would forsake all others.

I have opposite sex friendships that had to change after I got married. Either the person I was friends with became a friend of us, the couple (along with any spouse they may have) or there was no further contact. Even then, there are extraordinary precautions. In other words, the personal friendships morphed into a friendship with the couples.

There are other friendships that have ended completely. If I ever had any kind of relationship with someone that was outside of "friendship," then I cut off contact.

Those friends are in the right places in my life, which is the past. My future is to be forged with my wife.

She is the source of my companionship.

This is an opportunity for you to strengthen your marriage with your DW and eliminate poor boundaries with the opposite sex.

Look, I know how easy it is to fall into the trap. There are very attractive women where I work. I don't ever "harmlessly" flirt with any of them. I keep all my interactions professional. If I go out to lunch, it is in a group or with male co-workers, but never 1 on 1 with a woman unless some weird circumstance dictates that I have a lunch business meeting (which would be really strange in my profession, but not unheard of in other professions).

So look at what has happened as an opportunity and forge a new future with your DW.

Gloveoil, I know your post was to help McNal understand boundaries and affairs. It also helped a BW understand how easily that boundary can be crossed, thankyou it was good to hear from an FW, rather than relying on articles.

Hi McNal, Welcome to MB. I'm glad you have seen the light and realise those posting are trying to help you see how important it is to maintain boundaries in a marriage. Take everything on board, learn from their experiences, the MB principles are the best chance you have of a happy successful marriage.

Hi McNal,

Good to see you here.
I always thought one could have a platonic relationship, but I have only had bad experiences with them.

Anyway, I have kept my distance from other men since I am married, because I consider myself highly inflammable, meaning people open love banks in my mind all the time, just by being friendly. Because I know my treshold for romantic love is low, I just keep the distance so I have never had much of a problem.

Maybe you could look at this interesting link:
http://www.enotalone.com/relationships/26266.html
New research says, in the majority of 'platonic' friendships, at least one of the parties is attracted to the other...

Have fun with your wife and God bless,

Happyheart