no havnt seen the dr & no we really cant afford coaching centre as we are on 1 wage

Kimono, you have ask a question that there is no clear cut answer. Has your husband been radically honest with you concerning his A? If not that would be a good place to start. It is going on 18 years since my W A. If I had gotten the answers years ago I would have been OK. For years I lived in torment because I could not put all the pieces together. Now I still have bad days but the good far better than the bad. You have 2 children and a lot of years invested in your relationship. I would not make any quick decisions. Things will get better but will you every forget? Never but it will hurt less and less over time. I would try AD's you might have to try several different ones until you get one that works. Most AD's take 4 to 6 weeks to work. I have had good results with wellbutrin but everyone is different. Good luck.

yes my h has been forthcoming with information on the A, I can only take his word for it that I've heard everything & thats the problem the things I've heard are hard to forget & i dont wish to be doing the same things with my h as they did. as well as taking an ivo out on the ow, it has been a hard time.
I think its the kids that help get up in the morning, & thats why I'm taking the time to see if it will work again......if i can find that love again

I wish you'd see your doctor.

Dr. Harley recommends AD's. They will help you.

I will also encourage you to see your Dr. about anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. I did the AD for about 5 months and they did work fine until I took decided I didnt need them.

I still take the Anxiety pills every so often to take the edge off.

No shame in this at all.

I didn't take AD's.

I know if WH had come back wanting to recover our marriage, I would have run for them.

There is no way I could have done it without them. I look back on going through what I did without them, and wonder if it would have been easier if I had taken them. Particularly anti-anxiety. I had a lot of anxiety.

Ultimately this is your decision Kimono. Just don't use the reason that this might make you like Skankosaurus as the reason you don't. This means you are comparing yourself to a skank, and giving her influence over your life that she has no right to have.

You control your actions and your decisions. Skanky has no say.

Kimono, D Day was only six months ago. Skanky has been hassling you, dragging at your heels. Think about how long it took me to find my feet and sound somewhat sane again (I think? )

Recently there has been no contact. Regardless, you can't allow this ho to dictact your life, your actions, your decisions. Plan B her, cut all contact, all ties. Otherwise she still has power over you, and therefore your H.

So what are YOU and H doing to recover your marriage?

Are you spending 20+ hours of undivided attention (UA) together EVERY week? By this, I mean proper time? Romantic love does not come back without this after such a trauma that is an affair. Your WH ripped your heart out and stomped on it. UA can help it heal and recover your love.

Date nights. Board games. Bake a cake together. Go for a bike ride together. Things for JUST THE TWO OF YOU. Not always with the kids, the IL's, the friends (like a certain pesky one I know of )

Schedule these hours together in a diary or something. And make sure you do them. See how you feel after a few months of this. Keep sharing difficulties that come up, good times, any changes.

Okay, enough heavy stuff from me, and remember, I'm always here for you.

And tell me to butt out if you like as well... I haven't been peeping at your posts until tonight, but got concerned. I want you to feel safe to express ANYTHING here, so if you prefer I don't pop in now and again, tell me.

Kimono AD's will help clear your head so that you can make a rational decision on how you want to proceed. I like you knew all the detail of the A (which was my fault because I ask). I still have days that I could bit a nail in half. Dr put me on Xanax which saved my life. There is no shame in seeking medical help in situations like yours. Good luck on which ever path you choose.

i think if u dont find out details you would wonder if he did that with the ow therefore i would have to decide for myself. right now trying to decide if its time to decide if im staying or going, are we both here for the kids??
i dont want to sit here wondering everyday, is this the day he's going back her, when does he think there old enough to leave? is he really here cause he wants to be or because she wouldnt leave her h? i dont know for sure he didnt go looking for her, has he been pining for her, i dont know. is it her he thinks of during sex? does he really love her.....
i think theres too much that sits with me everyday to keep going on marriage, i may never get that love back. i always said i wouldnt cope with cheating. am i to be a better parent to my girls if we end it?
we have both read the books so he knows what he should b doing but is he doing this to bluff me, i dont know
so wish i never haad to deal with this [censored], how can someone put a person in this position

I'm so sorry kimino that you're still hurting.

Not everyone who has been cheated on has chose to stay and work on saving their marriage. No one will fault you if you choose to end your marriage. I would just make sure you feel you've done everything in your power you can. So you can look back with no regrets.

What he did to you is the worse of the worse and no one will fault you for ending it.

Read all of these and see if this will help with your agonizing choice.

When to Call it Quits Part 1

There are three parts to the letters.

thanks for your help. I have read the information but its all so confusing................if only we had a crystal ball

I know what you mean.

Have you thought about emailing the radio show and asking the Harleys?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

so I've read dr harleys books, I understand the plans you need to follow for recovery. thru all the anger & hurt,triggers i'm having trouble letting my guard down to allow us to try & rebuild, create new memories. having romantic dates with your cheating spouse is hard thru the hurt & anger. if anyone has any tips, maybe ways you dealt with this step. worried my guard may stay up.......

Kimono,

Feelings follow actions. Avoid lovebusters. Spend 15-20 hours a week in undivided attention.

At first, my H's and my time together felt very forced and the things we were doing felt very "clinical". For a long time, our conversation centered around the weather and the dog. It got better and better with time. The more time we spent together being affectionate, talking, doing fun things (we like alot of sports) and having sex, the easier it was/is.

AM

AM-

The forcing of alone time is an extremely accurate description of my situation too. It sometimes feels like canoodling with an arch enemy who was capable of some pretty crappy things DESPITE today saying and doing all the right while in your arms. It's an epic internal conflict.

I let her make me happy when I get mad. Shell detect it and ask if she can do anything and sometimes a nice kiss or hug or smile will do. It's during those kisses that I feel her anguish and attempts at reconciliation. We didn't kiss like that during her affair. And she didn't kiss him per her admission. I know she's mine and I get happy again.

That, and a good sf session always works. Wink wink. Not sure if it's the same for a girl. Were a simple people at times, us guys.

Mike,

It took a long time to actually feel comfortable around my husband. It seemed to take a long time to laugh again. As I said, we talked mostly about the weather and the dog for what seemed to be months (not really sure).

I think, for women, SF is not the key. In fact, for me it was often a trigger. For women, I think the key is usually, normally, almost always, affection. If a man can be affectionate in the way his wife likes it, she will have a positive lovebank balance. Add the intimate conversation, and the majority of women will be in love with their husband.

And Dr. Harley has said that when recovery is complete, all those feelings of resentment fade away. It is really remarkable.

AM

thanks for your help, armymama you have described exactly how i feel, forced clinical & not us. I've never been called sexy or beautiful so many times in a week(i dont take compliments well, this could of been my fault)am now startingg to get used to the compliment but still hv days wondering if he means it.
hope time does help..............

Kimono,

To get the most love bank deposits out of UA time, things should be set up so that both spouses are getting depositis. If you don't like the way compliments are delivered, you won't get any deposits out of them. If it is something you find annoying, just the opposite will happen - there will be lovebank withdrawals. Tell your H what things you would like him to do for affection. Some of ours were: hold hands when walking, sit on the couch together in the evening, flowers once a month, etc. Some of the things for him: have coffee ready in the morning, scratch his back, smile in the morning. The same principle holds for other ENs.

They need to be met in the way spouses like them. If one of you does not like what you are doing for recreation, it will not make LB deposits. So, pick something you both like, etc.


It gets easier.

AM

well my h is telling me he loves me but i havnt been able to say it back, I'm keeping my guard up a bit longer, it has only been since months. obviously i still hv some love left since im still here. did u all hv same trouble?? after all those words mean alot. he's not happy that i am not saying it.
this all so hard to deal with

I didn't return those words to my FWH for months. I couldn't figure out how I felt, so I just let that go at that time. H understood, but he once told me how much he longed for those words. In time, I began to believe his actions and realized those feelings were returning. Then I could tell him. I don't recall now at what point but it was many months.

The roller coaster no one wants to be on...but it will smooth out one day. Your H must be patient and persevere, consistently depositing love units, and avoiding all love busters, helping to heal you from the pain and trauma.

Do you two have a plan for recovery? Are you reading through the MB books, enrolled in the online program?