Can anyone answer the "why" of the intense anger that results from the Waywards during an affair. I get the fog babble (justification) and the lies (protect themselves) but why are they so angry? I see it over and over again through these stories about the anger. They act like we (BS) did "them" wrong. Any former waywards want to speak out?

Not a former wayward, but I can weigh in with what I have seen myself.

The WS originally felt guilty over what they did, and if they looked at their actions closely, they would feel guilty still. During those times, they need to not feel guilty anymore, so they need someone else to be the bad guy. The only person left is the BS. SO, they look back at what the BS has done, innocently many times, and re-write the affects it had on themselves and the marriage. Also, the way that they begin to treat the BS actually causes the BS to react negatively, especially before they find MB. THe BS is then the bad guy. And anything that the BS does to remove the WS from their AP is also against the WS, so they get even angrier. It's like a drug addict having the crack pipe taken away. Does that help?

Hmm i feel that 'speaking out' as a WW may incite some criticism here... but for what it's worth i'll tell you what i think.

Personally i haven't experienced much anger. The shame is by far the greater emotion. However the little bits of anger i've felt towards my (amazing) BH was when i learned more about why i had the affair. Learning more about my emotional needs not being met made me upset. However that is not an excuse for my behavior. I am even further ashamed that i did not speak up and instead succumbed to horrible actions that ruined my family.

I would say that is a big part of why most WW feel angry.

I do believe that in most cases affairs happen because the WW is not getting some needs met, BUT, this is NO excuse and any wayward that is that angry during/after an affair needs a reality check. They are not the ones who should be angry.

We live in a selfish society that tells us if we aren't getting our needs met we have a right to be angry about it and look elsewhere.

We need more awareness on emotional needs in marriage and how to protect our marriages!

It is because they need to manufacture grievances to justify their crimes. So they tell themselves they have been "abused" therefore, they are entitled to an affair. This serves 2 purposes: it effectively demonizes the BS and it - hopefully - baits the BS into a fight. If the WS can bait the BS into a fight, he/she can use that reaction as further justification.

Scotland,

I couldn't have explained it better myself and I am a WW. Early on you really do want to blame any one other than yourself for what you have done. I even got angry with the OM for telling his wife the truth and exposing our affair. I was angry with my H for his every fault and a lot of our early fights were me trying to turn the tables on him.

Agreed!!!

Following on from this thread ... is this why WS refuse to communicate through IM? Is it not only removing the fix but taking away the scapegoat?

Actually i would like to add that i think some affairs happen when the wayward is just a selfish person and/or has no boundaries, and/or has a drug/alcohol problem. In these cases i think their needs might be getting met but they are too selfish to see that and want the grass on their side and the other side.

I think anger in ANY case is trying to avert the blame and not be a responsible adult.

Almost ALL WS' initially refuse to communicate with the IM because they don't like losing control of the BS.

Add to the list:
1- poor coping skills which likely helped get a WS into an affair in the first place. 2- a BS doesn't accept blame for "making" the WS cheat.
3- a BS doesn't accept a cheap "I'm sorry" and can't "get over it"

Anger=temporary insanity

agreed - it's about control. the WS thinks they are in control and the BS should be falling all over themselves to keep, maybe not necessarily the M (in the WS's eyes), but what comes with the M - financial support, children, etc. what they *don't* get/want is that by appointing an IM as your representative, is that the BS is now in the driver's seat/on the offensive, and they no longer have control over you. it's not really any different than putting your lawyer in charge. they just love being able to manipulate. LOVE IT. remember, no matter how hurtful they are to the BS, the WS IS getting a hit off the "oh please, darling" from the BS when the poor BS is still reeling and struggling with what's happening. the best thing about PB is that they can go suck eggs! really cramps their style. plus, the OW no longer has control either, either directly, or via WS. let them stew in their foul moods now that BS has taken the ball and gone home! again, i say "tough patootie" to those screwballs! they can

Awesome insight, just wish they WS could see it for themselves!

OW losing control .... explains whay I received the text from OW after IM sent email re visitation "Hi BW, this is OW. Suggest we sit down and talk to discuss a few things and clear the air"

BV, do you believe that prior to your A, you were actively meeting your BH's ENs?

I will tell you this. For many years, my ENs weren't being met very well by my WH. Also, we BOTH were guilty of committing LBs. I did NOT make the choice to have an affair. So, there is NO way that I am going to accept ANY responsibility for the affair. That is ALL on HIM. And for a few years, I was actively trying to help my marriage, but was told that there wasn't anything wrong on his side. Well, actually there was. He had weak boundaries around women. THAT is why he had an affair.

And FWIW, a WS generally HATES Plan A as well. Why? Because the BS is showing the WS the best of themselves in the face of the affair, and it takes away their ability to demonize the BS. It also makes the WS look at their own actions, and they don't like that. At. All.

I can speak about this from a different angle...
The "Other Woman/Women" in my H's life stems from porn & chat rooms.
Although H says that he is "over" porn, his actions (anger) speak louder than words.
Let me explain.
For many, many years I could not understand H's anger toward me.
It was not/is not rational or logical or understandable.
Anger that defies explanation.
The anger that H displays over ANY issue is volatile!
This is a cycle.
After H demonstrates inappropriate anger toward me that goes over the top, I tell him that I will have no "thing" to do with him at all until he is able to control himself and talk to me respectfully and rationally.
At this point, I withdraw from him.
It usually takes a while (an hour or so) and then he comes to me to apologize and asks me to forgive him.
All is well for 10-14 days and the "cycle" starts all over again!
H admits he has an anger problem and says he wants to find out why he cannot/does not control it.
His "cycle" always begins with subtle remarks that are inappropriate/disrespectful. (Privately & in front of others)
His inappropriate/disrespectful behavior escalates to the point where I repeat my behavior of challenging him and withdrawing from him until he apologizes, seeks forgiveness...
Unfortunately, H refuses to acknowledge the "truth" about his addiction to porn/other women.
Until H chooses to acknowledge the "truth", we cannot go forward together.
Therefore, I am waiting in the wings until I can remove myself permanently.
Thank you for starting this thread...

Most people with a habit of anger feel that it is an effective tool to get them something. What does the wayward want? He wants to cake eat, he wants the betrayed spouse to "leave him alone" so that the affair can continue and also to avoid having to make hard decisions, he wants to avoid the consequences for his actions (like losing his marriage and family and social standing and the respect of his children), he wants to avoid thinking about things that make him uncomfortable (like his guilt and culpability for shattering his marriage and life).

If he finds that anger will cause the betrayed spouse to assume responsibility for all of these things and let him go scot-free, the typical wayward will use anger to do that. And it's all the easier if he already has a habit of anger.

In short "this discussion where you confront me about the things I am doing that are hurting you is making me uncomfortable. I will react to that by getting frustrated and angry and blaming you. Hopefully that will make this discussion stop because you will then feel that you are to blame or you will not want to face the punishment I am doling out in my anger."

Anger is the ultimate escalation of abuse and control.

Step 1: demand what you want
Step 2: if you do not get it, use disrespect to try to motivate the other person to give you what you want. i.e., tell them they should do it, make them feel guilty, etc.
Step 3: if you still don't get what you want, punish the other person to try to make them give you what you want

It's an insane and abusive strategy for getting what you want. What it is the angry person wants is at the heart of the question "why?" but like affairs there are reasons people become angry but those reasons are no excuse for being abusive and controlling. "Why?" is a bit of a distraction: the angry person becomes angry because they have practiced a habit of abuse and control. The angry person is perfectly capable of learning new habits and learning to never lose his temper, no matter what, even if he does not get what he wants and even if he is subjected to abuse himself.

Psychologists like to say anger is a secondary emotion stemming from fear. But, in the case of adulterers I think the previous posters have it right � it�s a tool they consciously and intentionally use to control others in general and their spouse in particular. Adultery is a type of spouse abuse and anger is the adulterer�s weapon of choice.

My wife�s top ENs were always being met. She even admitted it. OM was like an extra desert at an already extensive banquet (her words). She also admits I rarely if ever LBd her and I never have AOs.

OTOH, my ENs have almost never been met in this M. Ever. Not before and certainly not during her 10 year adultery, and not since (though, I no longer actually have any ENs now so it�s not a problem.)

Further, she has always been the queen of LBs and AOs - often going out of her way to start arguments over the weirdest dang thangs. I learned not to respond to these attacks early in our M, which just made her even angrier, as it turns out. Her anger was not only irrational and unexplainable, during the VLTA she was angry all the time and about nearly everything. How can a person even live like that?

So, why did she commit adultery and I didn�t, even though I have had and continue to have many easy opportunities?

It�s simply who she is.

It�s who all adulterers are.

Marriage, vows and promises, honesty, fidelity, caring, commandments, mortal sins and even the true meaning of love don�t mean much to them. And, I am certain, these things will never mean much to them no matter who they claim to be now.

It�s who they always were.

It�s who they are.

All so true! Glad to know it's not just me. OW texted you and asked to talk, happy? Blatant, sickening, ridiculous baloney. What can you do to her? For heaven's sake, find some way to make her life hell.