Not sure how to even start. WH and I met 10 years ago and became close friends and began dating. 6 months later we were engaged, a year and a half later just a few days before the birth of our first daughter we were married. 3 months following he joined the service. Things were great until around the 5 year mark when I was struggling with post partin depression and he was depressed over his job (unacknowledged on his part.) at that time we became physically abusive to one another much to my regret and his. It's all we had both seen growing up and we had to figure out how to handle thongs without that. We did marriage counseling with a few different people. Two years after that things were getting better. Then we were moved, isolated without friends and I was pregnant with our 4th child. Things became tense because of his long work days and commute and my lack of anyone else to talk to. He became resentful of me needing his help and attention and he just withdrew more and more. We moved again. This time we did more counseling but IMO the guy we were seeing spent more time talking about himself than working with us and would cut off my attempts to talk nonstop. Despite that, I thought things were getting better. We weren't fighting as much, we were talking and spending more time together. Around October we began to have problems again but I couldn't pinpoint why. His mom came to visit after that at thanksgiving and then things went downhill really fast. Christmas eve he walked out on our family. I was left stunned. He proceeded to pack up things and look for an apartment but then got orders for a deployment so he stayed. New Years eve I found out I was pregnant again unexpectedly. Two days later after I had gone through a panic about telling him with what was going on, I told him. He said he loved me, wanted to work on things had just been stressed and we had been growing apart. I promised to try and meet his needs better that he told me then I hadn't even realized were things he had been upset about. He went to visit his mom before deploying, came back angry again. She had told him lies about what I had written on Facebook (which she wasn't even able to view.) He told me he wanted to leave on a trip to Colorado with a single female friend(friends since junior high) alone before deploying the next weekend and I told him NO. I began having pregnancy complications and thought I was having a miscarriage. I had to deal with the hospital alone. After I was released he decided he was going on the trip anyway, weekend before the deployment breaking his promises to me and our children to spend time with us before leaving for 6 months. They didn't go to the mountains, he left from work without telling me that Friday and flew there and stayed at her apartment. He wouldn't talk to me in the phone. I contacted "friend" and asked her to send WH home, she refused saying he needed her and I was the cause of his problems. He came home three days later, no apologies. We tried to just pretend nothing happened the couple of days before he deployed because of the kids. I found out his family and some coworkers had encouraged it.

While deployed he didn't talk with me much, ignored holidays and our anniversary. We were able to speak with him as a family about 20 minutes once a week despite him having wifi in his room where he was at. My water broke at 29 weeks pregnant and I was hospitalized on beseech to try and keep baby in as long as possible. WH told me he was denied leave, his command here tried to convince his station to release him because we didn't have longterm care options and our 4 kids at home were being shuffled around between his coworkers. Baby was born 11 days later on his own because if infection, resuscitated for three minutes after birth, had his own infection, was on a respirator. And I was alone in dealing with it. Finally he was sent home after the birth 4 days later. WH was very distant. Hadn't said he loved me since baby's birth (that lasted over 3 weeks). Was texting nonstop even when sitting by me. OW contacted me and told me I'm a crazy [censored] and that he was HER best friend and she wasn't going to give him up. MIL texted me and told me he should be with OW. I looked through his bag he brought home from the deployment. Found a letter from OW saying she thinks of him constantly and she loves him. Found a letter from MIL planning a trip at his return from the deployment for a long weekend with OW. I was angry and confronted him. Letters disappeared. He went super secret. Deleting all texts as soon as he read them. Closing computer when I walk into the room.

I began to investigate what I could. Was able to get the part cell phone records online. Texts between him and OW went from about 200 a month to over a thousand a month in October and November. December was more. January there were 2,089 texts to her. He had told me when he came home and I didn't like that he was talking to her that he was sending about 1 a week a pic of our baby in the nicu. I looked at the current log, over 700 messages. Then he stopped texting and switched to using his cOmputer to contact her. I can't access his computers (biometric log on). Changed his cell phone passcode. I knew he was still talking to her despite his claims and my request for NC because I sent her an anonymous text through online which showed our IP apparently and he confronted me about "bothering" OW.

He goes back and forth by day whether he wants our marriage or to leave. I'm stuck in a holding pattern of plan A because of our baby in the nicu. We all have to move in September because of him getting out if the military and we live in base housing. He is looking for a job but doesn't have one yet. Initially we had been looking to move back to a home we own in the Midwest, now he says he want to stay out west.... No surprise he is looking at jobs near OW. With his degrees, he could go a lot of places besides there. I have told him if he doesn't put everything back into our marriage and go full NC then I will BW moving back to the house we own without him. I didn't finish my degree, we have 5 very young children- two special needs now, and I have no income or access to money. I dont have a clue how I would even pay for gas or food. The idea scares me. I cannot move to that city and watch what I think is primarily a EA become an PA right in front of me and the kids, however. A year ago I wouldn't have minded that city, now it is completely sickening to me because of OW.

Anyone? Sorry for some typos- I'm using my phone

Who have you exposed to so far? How are the families handling his behavior?

My thought is to implement Plan B (which you will be).

Get your legal situation nailed down as much as possible because your five children will be a huge reality check.

Plan B is my thought. Are you sure 11 September?

The vets will be here with more advice. Raising five babies like yours on your own is very challenging. You need help, support, and finances. I would make that my #1 priority and leave WH in the dust until he man ups and acts like a father of five.

God Bless Tough

I have exposed to his family (supportive of his A with OW), his coworkers (they didn't care, some went as far as to encourage it and help him cover some of it up, our mutual friends (none of them want to get involved), our neighbors (one told me to leave him, the others I became gossip fodder for), my family (supportive of me verbally but can't help me otherwise if we split).

WH separates from the service in Sept which is when I would go into plan B because the military would pay for my move and I have to give 30 days notice to the tenant that rents our home. Baby #5 will also be big enough I could drive more than 15 minutes at a time by then as well.

I don't have finances to draw from. We only have a joint account because the military forced him to add me when he deployed. Since he returned I discovered he opened a second savings account and has been moving everything we have into it that isn't paying for current bills.

I'm still here. WH filed a false protective order against me in September when I discovered that he was taking out extreme debt without my knowledge or consent the past two years (over $18,000) and wouldn't give me the information... he panicked and ran. I was prevented from leaving the state because of the order with the kids, so I had to move to a new house in this state with the kids against my wishes which royally pisses me off. He told me he wanted to do an information separation on his own, then it became him telling me he wanted a legal separation, then suddenly I was served with divorce papers less than a month later before the hearing for the order was even held! He moved out, has complete control over all the finances, stopped paying my bills, and there is no interim order of support from the court and my lawyer I hired told me I'll be lucky if I get one by January because of how slow the courts are at the holidays even under a request for an emergency hearing. Because he filed divorce, I again am still stuck in this state, which is absolutely freaking ridiculous considering we own a home in another state I could be living in for less than my rent here! Add in since late Sept he has had symptoms of ptsd, its one huge ugly mess.

Your siggy says that you are in Plan B. Are you using an IM? Do you have ANY communications with your WH? Does he have visitation? Do you have custody of the kidlets?

What have you been doing for 4 months?

I'm pretty knew here and don't have much to offer, but I wanted to give you a hug. Sounds like you've been through a ton!

How's your baby doing?

Did he end up separating from the military? I thought they were pretty good about requiring service members to support spouses and children financially...is that true?

I don't have an IM because of how custody is set up. I requested from the court a set time share plan and was denied. His visitation is set up in my home with our children with my supervision. I haven't found a way to have an IM in this situation.

Yes, I have communication with my WH about finances and our children. He keeps randomly not paying things (currently he has our joint account wiped out to less than $10 and I have no support order giving me money and he has been our sole income since 2002).

I have primary physical custody currently, yes.

In June-July-August my son was in the NICU and I spent pretty much every day at the hospital. In September I was still in active plan A, he said he was in NC but I didn't have full disclosure of everything so I was still trying to discover everything going on and get him to open up while taking care of our kids. I discovered $18,000 in debt and he freaked out and called the police and told them I was suicidal (I was NOT) and I was taken to a psychiatric hospital, they released me as soon as I was seen by a doctor when I explained what was going on. The next day, he told me he was going to get something out of his van and disappeared. I called him and asked where he went and he said he was getting coffee. He returned that evening with his step dad (an enabler of the affair) he had flown across the country that same day, and a restraining order on false charges at the advice of an idiot lawyer who told him to get it for custody leverage to show I wasn't a fit parent because of post partum depression I was being treated for.
We had leased a house for a month on sept 12th.
He moved out of our base house on September 18th.
I moved into the house we had leased for a month from there that weekend because we had to move out of base housing and I was restricted from leaving the state with our children under the protective order to return to the house we own in another state. I never had a choice in it and wouldn't have chosen to rent it to live alone there.
I've been caring for our children alone since then. He separated from the military October 1st, filed divorce on Oct 20th. I hired a lawyer to protect myself. He requested full custody of our children and no spousal support and I refuse to give that. He wouldn't even cooperate with the mediator regarding our children under the temporary protective order so they kept it with me having physical custody because they assumed he would not be cooperative with me having the children and he was trying to kick me out of my house he had never lived in to be with the kids. He's a little nutso right now unfortunately. He wants control but I won't allow him to have it.

My son is doing pretty well. I am so thankful he's home--he was 5 months old a few days ago (3 months adjusted age) and developing well.

I'm sure if he were still active duty, it would be easier because I could go straight to the base legal office to handle the no interim support issue, however he's not military any more and isn't getting a paycheck. He got a large severance bonus when he separated but I have not been given any share of that.

Feeling sad today. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and it's the first holiday (besides Halloween when WH was here to ToT with the kids) that we'll be going it alone. I've tried to get some information out of him about Christmas regarding gifts because he hasn't given me any money to get them anything and the joint account is drained, but he wouldn't respond to the text asking. All I want to know really is what he plans to get the kids himself so I don't duplicate anything out of the small amount I will get.

Nonsense planning in this thread, but Santa only brings one gift per kid and then traditionally in the past each of the kids got something for their siblings under $5 each and WH and I bought gifts for the kids as well. As such my kids have a lot so they aren't in dire need of toys, but they're still kids and want things. My oldest DD has asked for a telescope since she was 5, but she wants to be able to see the planets in detail with it LOL...realistically she'd probably only be happy with the Hubble. So I really don't know what to get her. She needs some new shoes which my aunt has offered to get her. My son needs some new shoes, too, which my aunt has also offered to buy. Not that my kids are likely to get excited about new shoes (well, my son might since he's 4, but DD8 isn't likely to.) DD8 also needs socks and underwear 'cause she's been growing and the black friday ads have some cheap at walmart that day so I may go out since my aunt is here visiting for a couple of days.

DD8: Underwear, Socks, Shoes
DD6: bunk beds for her dolls (my brother is making them for me and I'm going to pay him for the supplies)-from Santa, Tangled DVD?
DS4: I have a couple of CARS toy cars out in my garage somewhere I haven't given him yet I bought that I need to locate and a CARS poster, shoes
DD2: I'm going to finish a couple of cloth books I started earlier this year if I can find them (I hate that so much is still a jumble since we were moving)
DS0: I'm going to crochet him a hat

I wanted to bump this maybe for some support and advice as I wade through this. Nothing was allowed through discovery with finances until March which showed in the 4 months he lived separate he spent his entire separation bonus of over $65,000 plus all our savings and his last month's military pay AND his unemployment pay weekly on the OW. Every last dime. And he didn't do tax with-holdings apparently so we owe into the IRS which he was sent notice on from the military to pay in back in October, but ignored. When I tried to handle taxes this spring because I want to go back to school in the fall, he filed for an extension so I still can't get my financial aid with this mess. Interim support wasn't ordered until APRIL. He filed in October! I got behind in my bills because he stopped paying them all in December yet wasn't giving me any money at the advice of his lawyer who told him all the money was his (his lawyer is an enabler). While I was waiting in line at food pantries in December, and finally getting food stamps on appeal in January after I had to get a protective order against WH because of his abusive behavior, WH was writing checks to his mom, brother, and the OW. $3500 in checks to the OW in December! She moved to a new house!

I kept trying and hoping for our marriage until the financial disclosure in March. I'm no longer fighting for it just praying though I miss him but not the insanity at this point. After he tried to take custody in January claiming I wasn't a fit parent, then tried to convince court clinic to SPLIT UP our kids and give him the oldest 2 because he "gets along with those two best", the court clinician told him that he was in favor of me retaining custody and granting me relocation so WH should work with me on a parenting plan he could live with or it'd be next January before we'd get in with the custody evaluation in New Mexico because of backlog in court and that it'd cost us around $20k to do that, money we don't have, and they'd let me move in the interim. He finally agreed to me relocating and retaining primary custody. I do have to send the kids with him for 6 weeks out of the summer plus alternating holiday vacations (this year he will have Christmas break). He's tried to threaten lots of things like his mom suing me for grandparent's custody (my kids have never lived with his mom, rarely seen her), etc. He since has violated numerous court orders including giving me his new address when he moved last week to live with OW in Colorado, notifying me of his employment which he just started through counsel with the name of the employer so interim support could be adjusted (since I'm not getting ANY cash assistance from him currently with his unemployment status he had at the last hearing for me and the kids), and he's still skipping bills the court ordered him to pay. Even once Child Support starts if he complies, NM is 49/50 in child support in the country and won't give me much at all. Like all waywards, he thinks the rules apply to everyone but him.

Mostly I'm trying to come to some sort of acceptance of this crap in my life. Trying to resign myself to the fact that for the past year and a half and indefinitely I will be a single parent to 5 children. Trying to figure out how I can pay for both childcare and work. Trying to figure out how I'm going to balance 2 special needs children who require a LOT of intensive attention when I'm the only one there. Trying to find a job with no experience, no degree, and good enough pay to cover childcare and the bills. No clue how I'm going to refinance my house when I'm still unemployed but his VA loan needs released. No clue what I'm going to do about the van I'm driving which still has $17,000 owed on it in his name. In the meantime, WH is living with OW and they share bills, raise her children, take vacations, eat out at the most expensive restaurants, participate in expensive sports leagues, and are having a grand time. I worry I won't ever meet a man who will want to date a woman with 5 children, let alone that I'd even have time to date some day. That I'm destined to feel lonely and stressed and overstretched in life forever. I really don't want a divorce, I want a rewind 2 years and him to not have this affair and choose OW over our family.

I cannot offer a ton of advise but I too have 5 kiddos and was faced with imagining some of the things you're now facing. All I can offer is hugs and prayers. You are one strong woman, and as your children grow they will always remember what a strong person you were who persevered through the worst! ---HUGS---

Have you looked into all the government programs?

Food stamps? You need to get all the help you can. You're a single mom with 5 children. Did you lawyer go for the maximum CS? Does your WH have to provide insurance? Are you in a state that you can get help from the AG? In TX the don't mess with dead beats.

Hi HFC, My heart goes out to you. You have had many challenges to face. I know it's hard but you are doing well, you have the strength to get through this. MB is a great place, for advice, feedback, encouragement and support. There are many senior members and vets who will guide you along the way. Their advice and support is invaluable.

My DS6 was premature (only 6 wks though) I know how hard it is with a baby in the NICU. You have done well facing this alone, particularly with young children.

I am so sorry your inlaws have enabled the A and have not been abe to offer you and your children the support you deserve. Its hard to understand how they can accept money from WH when you and the children are struggling.

I'm not from the US, so I am not up with what is available to you. As BH suggested, check all the government programmes to see what is available to you. I know in some countries the Salvation Army offer great support and assistance. Apart from the support, anything that reduces the stress and pressure is a bonus.

Stay strong and try to focus on you and your children.

I'm on food stamps and TANF. Tanf (welfare) provides just $588 a month for a family of 6. It barely touches the bills. My lawyer went for all the child support I could get, so far nothing has been paid, WH has skipped paying his $668 a month (New Mexico sucks in child support!). WH is supposed to be providing insurance, but he dropped it. Court ordered last hearing he purchase it immediately for me and the kids. He hasn't. That was almost 2 months ago now.

Tonight he finally complies with giving me his new address since he moved to Colorado. He's now in a 4,000 sq foot home 5 bedrooms 4 baths in the ritziest part of the city. A $500,000 home on half an acre. While I'm trying to figure out how to change the flooring in the house I'm moving back to myself because he kept the pet deposit that was supposed to pay for the change after our tenant moved out because our daughter is allergic to dogs and can't live in it until it's changed! I'm so pissed. He's "so broke" he can't pay my student loans to the tune of $100 a month under court order, can't pay the $668 a month in child and spousal support, but he can spend $3,000 a month in rent for him and OW with her kids. It makes me sick. And so sad. I never dreamed of even getting to live in a place like that some day while married. We always lived in the cheapest place we could get and talked about how "someday" we'd get a nice (not crappy) house.

Well, settlement done. I'll get $1155 monthly in child support for 5 kids.

In the crazy front, OW dumped him after taking all his money as soon as he moved there apparently. She wanted the fun but not committment. Now he's lonely and asking me about reconciliation, but wants divorce finalized first before trying. Crazy talk still I think. He's shared some info but hasn't been willing to come clean and let me ask what I want. Has apologized for some but still way more blame than acceptance in his behavior's wrongness.

Sorry to hear he hasn't changed.

Are you in Plan B? Did you write a letter with your conditions to come home? If so what are they?

Has he been seeing the kids?

Sorry to hear he hasn't changed. Good job for not letting him back without seeing the actions.

Are you in Plan B? Did you write a letter with your conditions to come home? If so what are they?

Has he been seeing the kids?

hi HfC. i'm sorry for the reasons you're here. but i am thrilled that OW dumped your WHs sorry butt! i hope you are still in plan b. have you give him a plan b letter? would you be at all open to reconciliation? or are you done?

i hope you have a decent lawyer. your WH has been getting away with financial murder!

i hope that you are getting along ok and that you and the kids aren't starving. is there any hope of you being able to move to your owned home?

I had a decent lawyer. There is nothing more that can be done. I could not afford to hire a forensic accountant to dissect his asset moving and hiding. I couldn't afford trial to try and get more with an unpredictable judge that hadn't penalized him for any violations of existing court orders and didn't make him pay any interim child support from April through July.

I have had to be in constant contact with the finalization of the divorce to discuss things like insurance plans, visitation of the kids, etc. Still no intermediary on any of this because no one I knew would take on the roll.
I didn't know about a letter. I must have missed that part in reading months ago.

He lives in another state, hasn't seen the kids since May.