Oy Zhamila! I'm so sorry. I know you must feel so upset tonight.

I can't tell you what to do, but how would you feel about taking some deep breaths and releasing everything over to God so you can rest?

Steve will walk you through in just a few hours. Blessings, sweetie.

It is always the darkest before the dawn.

Hi Anointed! I've missed you and have been wondering how you're doing. I'll go check your thread.

Thank you for your kindness.

With respect, you need to do whatever is necessary to protect your children. Talk to SH about your marriage but don't rely on him to walk you through issues of child welfare.

i don;t know what to say except send you some hugs! praying for u

Update: We talked to Steve this morning. I heard no remorse from my H, just tons of justification for his actions, and minimizing. I told Steve that I have zero margin for error, not sure I want to be on the same team with H anymore. He said I can't fix my H, all I can do is work on me, so consider H's frustrations and try to understand them and work toward solving them. I am not sure about this, but will try for a few more days.

According to SH we need two things immediately:

1. H has an anger management problem. He hasn't admitted it yet. But his first responsibility is to research anger management strategies and share his progress with me, how it's going, talk about ideas and give me a sense of his progress.

2. Parenting plan. We discussed this tonight and developed a strategy. We started with goals (my goals are for the children's development...his were more focused on "controlling the children.") But we got past that, agreed on goals, and discussed effective learning methods like: example, respect, guidance, reinforcement, and natural consequences. Then we talked through one example. We'll do more soon.

You know, I'm not sure what is going on here. I expected Steve to take a harder line on H's AOs and abuse, but maybe he's not because I don't have that 'victim mentality?' Not sure. But this stuff escalates - it doesn't get better. I think he's trying everything he can think of to save the marriage and not give up.

On the other hand, Steve has saved way more marriages than I have (make that infinitely more!) - he can see things I cannot, and he has years of experience with really tough situations. He knows what works and what doesn't, and I think he not only has a great plan, he has good 'instincts.'

I'll keep doing what he suggests. More updates as I'm able.

Do you have HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS FOR PARENTS?

I think you already heard this but an excellent clip on blended families.
Radio clip on blended families

Thank you Loves!

Thanks BrainHurts - I'll listen to that again. Don't have HNHN for parents but have HNHN & have read every article on step-parenting/parenting on the MB site. I'll try to grab a copy at the library.

We talked about Anger Management last night - he's starting to see that it's a problem and we discussed his research. He seems willing to make changes and is becoming aware of the problem. This is good, and shows progress.

My struggle is, do I want to be the one who sticks around while he gets fixed? Do I want to take that risk? I'm not sure.

I had a headache all night and it got so bad this morning I threw up. I think it's stress.

I see potential in him....I am just really torn on whether I want to help him get there, or move on. There will be stress either way: the stress of separating or the stress of the relationship. If anyone out there has opinion either way, please share your thoughts?

Ugh.

Zhamilia -

I honestly have to repeat what Dr. Harley recommends with a spouse with these kind of anger problems; you should separate while he puts a full year into learning to manage his anger.

It's an abusive cycle, and he's following the normal cycle; escalation, apology, and there will again be escalation.

I believe Markos has described his own anger as an addiction.

You know I've put you to task about your own behavior, but there is no excuse for his frightening and dangerous behavior this last time, Zhamilia.

His behavior is not only a detriment to your love for him, it is a serious threat to you and your children.

Thanks for your thoughts, HHH.

I am truly torn, but am trying to be guided by Steve on this, and he didn't say, "separate."

Steve is on vacation for the next week. I wonder if this is a Dr. Harley radio question? I feel bad asking for air time if we're counseling w. Steve, but I wonder if Dr. Harley would say the same thing. Then again, Steve has more information on us - he's talked to us many times and heard both sides.

Marcos, do you have any thoughts on this? You've been there, in the H's shoes....what is your opinion? How about you Prisca? MelodyLane? CWMI? Any others?

Well, if my H had been physically aggressive with my then 3 year old son when we got together, I would have kicked him to the curb. He has been reluctant to discipline him the entire time (kid is now 15), even though I encourage it. He does do the "man talk" with him, in helping to guide him to good decisions, but his discipline is always run through me.

How are your kids feeling? Where are his kids? How is he with them vs yours?

What happened to your statement in March that step parenting was going well, no worries there? Is this new behavior?

If this is new that he gets nasty with the kids (and if you're not going to allow him to discipline them, how unfair of you to leave him alone with kids who think he has no control of them), it is probably re-directed anger.

I wonder, through, if your picker wasn't still off after the ex and FIL situation. Maybe you should be single. Maybe all the way until your kids are grown. Maybe by then you'll stop glossing over the things you don't want in a man, and as soon as you see something you don't like, you'll stop and hollar, "Next!" Keep the line moving, boys!"

Thanks for your thoughts, CWMI.



Yes, this is new behavior. In the past, he was not as angry as often, and in the past 2 months I've seen increased belligerence toward me and the children.


I want to be clear: he can certainly guide and redirect the children. My objections have been against AOs directed at the children, and physical punishment of the children. A calmly meted "discipline" such as time-out, removal of a privilege, etc with no anger would be perfectly acceptable. However, he has been violating this principle, over and over (AOs, physical aggression with them, etc), and has been increasingly 'demanding' they be punished (in my opinion, harshly) for relatively minor infractions (i.e. not hanging up a backpack, not rinsing out a milk bottle, forgetting to turn off a light, etc).

Here lately, I don't trust him to guide or redirect at all.



Here's where I am completely puzzled, CWMI. Remember weeks ago when I asked, "How did I pick someone who was so nice, and has done a complete 180?" H was a very patient, caring individual when we were dating/first married. He was great with the children, and they liked him. Dr. Harley's email to me said that he's a 'renter,' and this change is pretty common for renters. I wish I had known how to spot one.

I did email Steve regarding what I'm hearing on the forum v. what he's encouraged me to do. Not sure if he'll be able to reply.

I'm open to other posters' thoughts, if you'd like to share.

I would consider this push-back, then. Have you read the last couple of pages of my thread Duped? I had long, long had a problem with my H's IB, and he really ramped it up there before it just...stopped. I quit going ballistic in response, and he just pushed harder, kind of like, "Oh, THIS will really get her goat!" mmm...nope.

I still wouldn't tolerate physical (abuse?) toward the children.

What you are essentially describing (push back) is a shift from a state of withdrawal into a state of conflict.

That can be a good sign, it means LB$ deposits can be made.

I just have the amateur opinion that his anger is dangerous, and spouses can fall into conflict in good marriages as any long timer will tell you.

He needs anger management for himself, for his marriage, and for his children.

I will read your thread - I haven't seen it.



Thanks for your thoughts. Would you please explain what this means - separation, or something else?

I would calmly say to him that you feel/understand/recognize/have empathy for (your word of choice there) his frustration and you want to allow him room to work that out, because we all need to find healthy ways to relieve stress, and often we practice some pretty unhealthy ways before we find the way that works and doesn't kill anyone. (<<<that's you, smiling)

Ask him some things that have made him feel relieved. Share some ways you've been destructive/unhealthy in stress relief. Talk about new things you've found, or ask if he would be willing to try something you've found--a kickboxing class to take together, whatever. Physical exercise is a great stress reliever. Maybe you could take up running together. Maybe there's a marathon coming up that you could train together for.

Once you've reached an agreement on a stress-busting activity, to either do together or to practice alone, calmly smile and say "Thank you. I am so happy we could work this out. Because if you lay a hand on one of my children again, I will press charges and I will separate from you. I love you. I have to keep them safe. I am rooting for us, all of us."

I don't remember, does Steve want him in anger management? If so, include that as part of the conversation.

I would certainly take the advice of someone who heard both sides over anyone who only heard one, though.

Z,

So sorry to read of the new situation. I agree that right now you should defer to Steve and follow his advice and guidance.

I can only imagine how difficult a blended family situation would be, my H and I often disagree about discipline, and consequences for our shared children, but at least I know we always have our children's best interest at heart and have the same ultimate goals for them.

I agree that maybe it is unfair at this time to leave your children alone even in the same house with your H. You have stated you expected him to call you in to handle the situation. I think that is unfair and a mistake.

Although certainly not the same situation, this does remind me of a time fairly early on in my M, when my H and I were temporarily in the same house with another family member and children. They would often be in another area of the house and their oldest child would be where we were with our child, and she would often misbehave. This was quite annoying to us, and we found it both obnoxious and unacceptable. My H and I both made it clear we kept our child with us, were not baby sitters, and they were not to allow this. Needless to say this caused many problems, and my H and I had to end the living arrangement on bad terms.

I understand this is not the same situation, obviously the way your H handled your child was way out of line and should have never happened. At this point you do not want your H to discipline your children, so then it falls on you alone, it isn't fair to have it both ways.

Just another quick thought to add, you mentioned that your H gets upset about things you consider to be small, such as not hanging up back packs is an example you gave, and he wants you to punish the children when they do not follow through.

I get where you are coming from as I too would not see this as a major problem, BUT, I think in every home blended family or common children things like this happen. These are rules for the house your H expects to be followed.

We have things in our home that my H might be picky about that I don't see as important, and I don't "freak out" about these things but do require my children to respect the rules of the house regardless. They know some of these things are "dad's rules" but that I back him up on them, and they are to respect them as well.

Agreed. I said this to him tonight (slightly differently, talking about our parenting plan), "If you lay a hand on one of my children again, I will press charges and I will separate from you."

He said, "Are you threatening me?" I said, "No. I'm simply telling you what I will do if you touch my children again. You are in charge of your actions, and I'm in charge of mine. If you do it again, I will press charges and you will leave this home."

He said, "I don't think you'll be able to kick me out legally. How would you do that? No one would consider that abuse." I said, "I would get a restraining order."

Wow.