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Brainhurts thanks for your advice I appreciate you giving me the time to help it means a lot.
I don't know what to do now. Do I stay and fight or leave and try and find happiness elsewhere? Is there any chance to rescue this? She doesn't seem interested she wants to stay together for the children. Best of both worlds for her but what about me?
Is there any way back from this?
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DC, I suspect she is having an affair with someone and I would try and find out who and where. Can you find out who she is seeing?
The solution to this will be to expose the affair. Her lifestyle thrives on secrecy and exposure will ruin it and bring her to her senses.
It would be a huge mistake to move out. If you decide to separate, she should be the one to leave...without the kids.
I would set her down and DEMAND that she stop doing this now or this will lead to divorce. Let her know that you won't stay in a one sided, loveless marriage. Tell her if this doesn't change, she will have to move out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also listen to these radio clips of a man dealing with his WW swinging. Radio Clip on Swinging Segment #2 I would also notify the MODS to move your thread to the SAA forum. DC, to find those clips, go to the radio archives here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/radio_programs.cfmGo to search by date and type in March 2, 2011. Look for segments #02656 and 02657. Those are some radio clips that address this issue.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She still says she isn't but I'm pretty certain she is. No idea who but it can only happen at work or when I'm on night shift. Maybe it's the same woman she was in an Emotional affair with last year.
The exposure thing would destroy her she is a teacher and would probably lose her job. I couldn't do that to her. Although, I believe it is somebody at work maybe a female whom she is having the affair with.
I will make the demand but I know she will not do it. I will not move out I have thought about it but realise it's a bad idea.
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What she says is of no consequence, she has proven herself to be a liar.
You are against exposure because I think you said you are embarrassed, and now to protect her. Think of it this way. Is embarrassment at this moment in your life worth losing your family forever? Which is more important? And are you really 'protecting her' to assist her in a lifestyle that is very damaging to her? That is no protection at all.
I have heard the vets liken this to drug abuse before. If she were using drugs, would you be helping her to keep that secret allowing her to continue using, to save yourself some embarrassment? Or would you make sure people around her knew the self destructive path she was on, so they could help you get her on a path that was safer and healthier for her?
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She still says she isn't but I'm pretty certain she is. No idea who but it can only happen at work or when I'm on night shift. Maybe it's the same woman she was in an Emotional affair with last year.
The exposure thing would destroy her she is a teacher and would probably lose her job. I couldn't do that to her. Although, I believe it is somebody at work maybe a female whom she is having the affair with.
I will make the demand but I know she will not do it. I will not move out I have thought about it but realise it's a bad idea. Exposure will destroy the AFFAIR and help your wife. It is her LIFESTYLE that is destroying her life and her marriage. Destroying the lifestyle will HELP your wife and save your marriage. Your wife can survive some much warranted embarrassment about her secret life, but she can't survive an adulterous lifestyle. The school very much should know what she is doing. She is around children, after all. They have a right to know what kind of person is teaching children. You HAVE to find out who she is having an affair with, DC. GEt the evidence. Getting the evidence is the key to saving your marriage. Exposure of her affair is the key to saving your marriage if it can be saved. Go read the linked thread in my signature.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's not the embarassment more the fact she is a teacher and I don't want to jeopardise her career. I don't want to protect her as such just her career. She states she has done nothing wrong because she hasn't had sex with anyone!! Just being on the sites while married is wrong isn't it?
If it was just me being embarassed then I would have exposed her straight away.
She has told me she can't give me what I need a physical relationship. Which tells me it's pretty much over. Can a marriage be rescued from here?
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The exposure thing would destroy her she is a teacher and would probably lose her job. I couldn't do that to her. Although, I believe it is somebody at work maybe a female whom she is having the affair with. Keeping the affair secret only serves to enable her affair and destroy your marriage. That is what you are doing by keeping it a secret. You are protecting the affair at the expense of your marriage. Exposure does not destroy. It is only revealing truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's not the embarassment more the fact she is a teacher and I don't want to jeopardise her career. I don't want to protect her as such just her career. She states she has done nothing wrong because she hasn't had sex with anyone!! Just being on the sites while married is wrong isn't it? You don't have the power to jeopardize her career. If her career is ruined it will be because of her own behavior. And she is doing more than going on swinging websites. She is having an affair. You just have to dig it out. Yes, your marriage can be rescued. THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU DO!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She still says she isn't but I'm pretty certain she is. No idea who but it can only happen at work or when I'm on night shift. Maybe it's the same woman she was in an Emotional affair with last year. What is this about? Who is this woman? Does she still see her? What are all the facts about this affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know and understand what you are saying. I just really am worried I will ruin everything. I haven't got anything at the moment but I have to think of the knock on effect of this action. I have to think about the effects on my kids etc
I don't have an issue with telling her parents and family etc in any case she will just deny it. Obviously I don't know who the other person(s) are.
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I know and understand what you are saying. I just really am worried I will ruin everything. I haven't got anything at the moment but I have to think of the knock on effect of this action. I have to think about the effects on my kids etc Killing the affair and saving your marriage will greatly benefit your children. As it is now, your marriage is headed right straight for divorce. Your marriage cannot survive this way. I don't have an issue with telling her parents and family etc in any case she will just deny it. Obviously I don't know who the other person(s) are. This is why you need to get the evidence. You have to find out what she is doing. Can you hire a PI to watch her for a couple of days?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I haven't got anything at the moment but I have to think of the knock on effect of this action. I have to think about the effects on my kids etc What is the knock on effect of her affair and her swinging lifestyle?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know and understand what you are saying. I just really am worried I will ruin everything. You don't understand what we are saying. YOU will ruin nothing, by telling the truth. SHE will have damaged her life by having affairs and living a dangerous and seedy lifestyle. YOU are only telling the truth and pulling the rug off of her seedy lifestyle that thrives in secrecy. I don't have an issue with telling her parents and family etc in any case she will just deny it. Obviously I don't know who the other person(s) are. Which is why you need to snoop! She cannot deny that which you have proof of.
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you are right. she knows I know about the swinging so chances are I will never be able to get any evidence.
My options are carry on and wait for the innevitable or tell everyone only for her to deny it. She will turn it around and make me look like I'm having breakdown.
Is there any other option?
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you are right. she knows I know about the swinging so chances are I will never be able to get any evidence.
My options are carry on and wait for the innevitable or tell everyone only for her to deny it. She will turn it around and make me look like I'm having breakdown.
Is there any other option? Did you see my question about the EA?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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you are right. she knows I know about the swinging so chances are I will never be able to get any evidence. You HAVE to get the evidence, DC. If she is doing something, you will be able to get it. You just have to be a better spy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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DO NOT MOVE OUT.
Do not abandon your 3 small children. She will bring strangers into your home if you leave. You do not want people like this around your little kids, who knows what would happen.
Last edited by alis; 05/22/12 09:43 AM.
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No what question abouth the EA? can't find it.
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I am really sorry to say this, but how old are your children?? At this point, I would also be considering whether or not they are even biologically yours. After 7 years of marriage it is likely that you are the legal father no matter what (there is a statue of limitations for disestablishing paternity) but this woman has a secret life.
By not exposing, you are protecting her from facing the consequences. I would want to know if that was my child's teacher.
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