I've ordered both books!!

The crisis is not from "mid life" but from the fact that your marriage never recovered from the affair. When a great marriage does not replace the wounded marriage, resentment grows and festers. What is required is not forgiveness, but just compensation. Just compensation is a 2 step process that involves affair proofing the marriage and then creating a romantic marriage. Affair proofing the marriage involves cutting off all contact with the OM, being completely honest about the affair, and developing appropriate boundaries around men. Check out this article: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

You mentioned in your email that your husband moved out of your room because of your twins. Have you moved your kids out so he can come back to his bed?

I've lost count with how many letters I have written- the last one being 5 pages long- given just 3 days ago.

Daisy, I am confused. If you did not have an affair then what is your husband angry about? Exactly what happened with this man? Does your husband feel you are telling him the truth?

My husband moved out of my bed for a period of 18 months when our twins were born- he said he needed his sleep- the twins were not in our room at this time- they had their own room but obviously I had to get up in the middle of the night to feed them. . I felt very neglected and expressed this on several occasions and eventually he stopped doing this. We have not had any relationship for a year now and he sleeps in the other room- our children are now 7. They are in their own beds usually. There is no contact with the other man and I have tried to explain everything and be open and honest.

Do you go to bars without your husband?

Well that's the problem- everyone thinks he has over acted which makes him actually far worse. Especially as this happened a long time ago. Having said that, I do understand him to a point and his resentment. Nothing physical happened with this man but my husband feels betrayed on 2 levels- the fact that I hid this other guy's feelings from my husband and because this other man was a friend. I do believe he knows that I am telling him the truth that nothing physical happened.

But you did have contact with the OM just a few weeks ago, right? So you have been in touch. And does your husband believe what you have told him about the relationship? I am very confused about whether or not this is an affair.

Never have gone to bars by without my husband. I have always socialised with my husband or within a group with him also. My husband left for 5 months when my dad died. I started occasionally going out with friends (girls) for dinner etc just to get out the house. My husband on the other hand has been socialising at least 3-4 nights a week with his mates for the last year. I aspire to a family life with my children and husband. I also loved going out with my husband. My husband seems to love socialising now but I am never included in that.

An emotional affair is much, much worse than a physical affair. An EA is the bigger threat to marriage. Most people do think that victims of an affair overreact because they don't understand how painful affairs are. Affairs are minimized and glamorized in popular culture.

Your husband is behaving EXACTLY as someone who has experienced an affair but not recovered. Most marriages don't recover from affairs. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage unless they use this program.

Does your husband believe you are telling him the full truth about the affair?

Is he having an affair?

But you went out to a bar here:

So am I- I think that is what has been the problem. Yes the other man approached me in a bar which I was in with my best friend. He told me he still loved me and I ignored him. He then walked out the bar and punched his fist through the glass as was angry I had ignored him. That is the first time I had even laid eyes on him in years. I do believe that my husband does believe everything I have told him about it yes. He knew that the other man's feelings became obsessive.

Many many people have asked me that question of which i have asked my husband the very same. I am 99% sure that he has not been involved with anyone else.

Yes I think he does believe me.

Daisy, I would find out what he is doing when he goes out. Why was he gone for 5 months? Does he have a traveling job?

And secondly, bars are not an appropriate scenario for a married woman. That is where many affairs begin. And it is also a place where you have run into the OM. When your marriage is this crippled, I would take every precaution to stay out of risky situations.

The fact that he is going out with his 'friends' 3-4 nights a week is a . I would definitely do some snooping to eliminate that 1% chance.

Also, where was he for 5 months? Who are his mates? A man who has not been interested in sex with his wife for that long a time is unusual.

Sorry, but this smells like H is involved in an affair. There are many, many posters on here who were in the dark until they snooped. I suggest some snooping to see what H is actually doing in his time away from you and your home.

AM

This is what I was thinking as well. To me Daisey seems like she has followed almost all of the steps to try to recover her marriage. While her H is showing classic signs of an A.

My husband moved out of our family home for a period of 5 months and came back only 6-8 weeks ago. The reason he moved out was that I was absolutely devastates over my fathers death and he would tell me to 'shut the f*** up crying- 'what about me'- he would say. He was very nasty and he couldn't handle the fact emotion and upset I was going through. He went back to stay with his parents who live 10 miles away. He goes out in our local town and we know lots of mutual people. He couldn't stand being at home with his parents of an evening and so wanted to get out of the house. He came back after I told him that the other man had approached me. He said he had to come back as he was worried about me and the children's safety. I told him that I would be fine as we have security/alarms etc. but he insisted so I relented. Since then though he says he feels 'pressure' just being here although I often point out that I think it is pressure he puts on himself. Subsequently he goes out a lot mostly with guys that I know.