I am not sure why I am finally doing this. I need something to make my hands do I guess. So here goes, its a long story (and I don't know any of the acronyms):

I am 29 years old and have been married for 9 years. We have one son who is almost four. I am a Flight Attendant and I am gone about two to three times a month for four-seven days at a time. Last October, my husband found some FB messages from a coworker of mine that were inappropriate. At this point, I had already started an affair with this man but I didn't want to tell him so I talked him down. I continued the affair but at the same time we (my husband and I) decided that we would try to rekindle our marriage. From October to January of this year, he found more and more incirminating evidence. Each time I would lie to him but give him more and more information on the affair; trickle truths. We went to a counselor (not MB) who adviced us that we should sit down and he would write a list of questions and I would do the same and we would ask them in front of the counselor and drop the subject. At this point, I finally came out to my husband that I was having a sexual affair with this man.

My affair with this person started in August of last year. He is also married with two girls and a baby on the way. He was part of the flight crew and one night we went out as a crew and got drunk and him and I ended up in bed together. Instead of calling it quits, we continued our affair, sexually when we were on the road and on the same trips, or emotionally through IM at work or FB. He was due to move from the area in mid December. His wife left mid November so while he was still here and she was gone, we continued our encounters at his house. At this point, it was beyond sexual and we were both very infatuated with one another. We both kind of knew that we would not leave our partners for each other but we didn't stop our affair. After he left, my desire was to never speak to him again and try to rebuild our marriage, though at this point I hadn't told my husband the truth. After about a month, he texted me asking me how I was doing. I was going on a trip to the states and I told him I would call him in a couple of days. I sent him a FB message which I deleted right after that. My husband being an IT type, found the message. He called me when I was in the states and told me when I got back he would be gone from the house. At this point, I was angry and annoyed with him because he had found a message I deleted which meant he was going through my computer. I told him that he should leave. The next day, it dawned on me the extent of what him leaving meant and I texted the person I was having an affair with and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. I was done.

When I got back, he was gone for a couple of days but when we went to the counselor, she convinced him to move back in. At this point, he really wanted to make it work. While I was on a trip in February, he exposed my affair to all my friends on FB and also the man I was having an affair with's friends, including his wife. THis of course made me feel extremely angry and hurt since no one knew of our affair. I almost wanted to quit but I chose to stay and continue counseling. After a while, he had found MB and told me we should do counseling sessions, which we started. We went through the plan and it seemed to be working...kind of. But there was a major problem. This wasn't my first affair by any means.

Throughout our entire marriage, I have cheated on my husband several times. I haven't been a FLight Attendant that long, only about a year and a half, but everytime they happened, either he was away or I was away. They have all been one night stands except for the last affair which he found out about. I have always been the kind of girl that was kind of quirky, and funny, and loved being the center of attention. I always though this was because I was easy-going and fun-loving. I sought attention from men but I always said it was because I was more comfortable around them since they weren't as catty as women. Through MB and self reflection, I have realized that all these things were never real. The reason for my affairs and for my need to be admired was because I was desperately seeking to be loved and admired by men. I won't go into details of my childhood but I grew up without a father. All the men I was seeking acceptance from were my father. I cut him out of my life but never realized that I was still letting him affect me and my actions. I want to say that I don't think this is an excuse for all the afairs I had. It's not. I know I am fully responsible for what I did. I chose to let my childhood affect my life instead of turning it around.

While we were going through MB counseling and actually since January, I have felt committed to make this marriage work. I haven't wanted to nor want to get a divorce. The problem was that instead of telling my husband the truth of ALL my affairs during the what stage, I only told him the truth about the last affair I had had. I was too scared to come out with it all because I thought he would leave me. I thought that if I could keep those a secret but continue to work at my marriage (and myself) that I would be ok. Of course, this is ver wrong. Steve suggested to my husband that I take a polygraph test, which my husband asked me for. Taking a polygraph test is a terrible idea for someone who is lying so naturally I rejected it. I used every excuse in the book. My husband and I continued counseling but of course he wasn't fully healing since he knew I was not telling him the complete truth. In March, we went on a long vacation. It was nice except for my husband called the person I was having an affair with one night while I was taking a nap. I don't know what he talked about or what was said. When I woke up, my husband was quite upset and we had a huge fight. But the next day, he apologized and we continued on. A couple of days after we came back home, he told me that if I didn't take the polygraph, it was over. He would use the evidence that he had against me to take our son away and divorce me. This made me beyond livid and I was lost. I didn't know what else to do to "protect" the information. We got into a fight and I told him everything. The worst part was that it was not to come clean but out of anger, to hurt him. Of course, he was devastated and that night neither of slept and the only way out for him was divorce. This was the night of April 7th. He stayed in the house but we didn't sleep in the same room. We had an appointment with Steve and I think he was able to convince my husband to wait. This part I am not sure of. When we had our first counseling appointment after the truth came out, Steve told my husband that if he didn't want to stay in the marriage then there was no reason for te polygraph. My husband thought that he really needed the test no matter if we were getting a divorce or not. He continued to stay in the house but naturally things were anything but ideal. It was like living in a live land mine field. One minute I would be walking along and everything would be fine and then the next minute emotions and anger would explode everywhere. He would call me names and say he wanted to leave, to get a divorce, he didn't want to do this anymore. Each time I tried my best to use the tools from MB. I tried really dang hard on not getting defensive or angry and just focus on the changes that I was making and the progress done and left to do. I tried to hold myself responsible for the terrible things I had done. I beefed up my weakness protection plan and my no contact plan. My husband got a paternity test. I knew all along that our son was his. I was 100% sure. And when it came back, it showed that he was the dad, like I said. Of course, I am a human being and I was not perfect. Sometimes, I would get defensive and angry but then I would notice it and go back to the plan. Some interactions with men would not follow my WPP ideally, but then **EDIT** H and I would talk about it and I would understand. But anything, I mean anything, that I did wrong or misunderstood would bring him into a downward spiral. He would get very angry. We continued our sessions with Steve. Sometimes he would tell me he did notice the changes I was making, sometimes he could hardly stand to be in the same room as me. The only time he was affectionate or admiring was when he wanted sex from me. One time I was about to fall asleep and I didn't want to have sex and he was furious. He didn't talk to me for a couple of days. Then when I asked him about it, he said the only reason he was happy was when he was planning our divorce or if he wanted to have sex with me. He said he would wait until the polygraph test to make his decision. At this point, I was so confused and desperate because I thought that he would only tell Steve or me positive things just so I would take the polygraph test. But the positive things made me so hopeful, even when it was just sex, that I was desperate t keep moving forward.

I just took the polygraph test last Wednesday. We live overseas where the test are ridiculously expensive. I was able to get on a trip to the states where I had it done. Since on the test they can only ask you four relevant questions (at least in VA), the number of questions they asked me about my affairs were kind of lumped together. I passed the test with flying colors. When I was on the trip, my husband was very distant. I emailed him about the test and if the guy had emailed him and he said yes and we would talk about it when I got home. I got him on Skype finally and asked him about it and he said he didn't believe the test. I had gone on some polygraph websites and he thought I was trying to cheat the test. I did not know anything about polygraph tests and wanted to know what it would be like. I guess he had accessed my computer. I really didn't understand this since I don't think I could have fooled a guy who has been in the business for over thirty years by going on a few websites on polygraph, one of which was the National Polygraph Association. In this same Skype session, he said he would be gone when I came home.

At this point, I didn't know what else to say to him. I had done everything that was asked of me and if he still wanted to leave, what could I say? Our son is his, I passed the polygraph, I made a lot of changes in the way I act and guard my weaknesses viciously but he still wanted to leave. And leave he did. I came home and all his clothes were gone.

He sent me an email saying that he only wanted to discuss things through an intermediary and wanted to have no contact with me. This is killing me. Not only am I opposed to the divorce but I am opposed to the intermediary. I know I did him more harm than I could ever imagine. But I truly believe we could make this work. So many times in my life I have quit things when they were too hard. I am done with that. I have realized all the things that I did were because I was too weak to control my own actions. I know Steve believes too. And I believe in Marriage Builders and that it can save our marriage.

I want to give him space but I do not want to discuss issues about our son with some third party. I told him I wouldn't. I have not tried to email him or call him like he said. But our son is innocent in this. its not fair to him that we are not even adult enough to talk to each other about him. How can we streamline the process for him if we do get a divorce? How can we be on the same parenting page if we can't even talk? That makes no sense to me. I told him that I would beg him to come home or make angry threaths. I am legitimately going to give him space.

I don't know what else to say or do except keep going with the plan and hope he comes home. I feel so lost, guilty, ashamed, sad, upset, hopeless. I don't know what I expect out of writing this. I just needed to do it.

Welcome to MB.

You husband posts here, doesn't he? Do you know his name?

Welcome to MB .. glad you stopped by!. One thing is for sure... you may get some 2x4's. However .. dont let that scare you away.

I am sure the vets will be along to guide you but in the mean time .. read all you can here. Answer peoples questions with honesty, ask for clarification and begin working on your boundries with the opposite sex all the while providing just compensation to your BH.

Get some of Dr. Harleys books. 1. Survivng an affair 2. His needs her needs 3. Fall in love Stay in love 4. Love Busters.

You got a LONG bumpy road ahead of you.

MNG

edit to say: you should probably remove your BH's name from the thread and replace his name with "My BH" (betrayed hubby)

Edit again: ignore my last edit :P I see she only mentioned Steve from MB .. and not her hubbys name .. my bad.

What DO you expect out of writing this, promises?

Promises83,

What exactly are you hoping to gain from MB? Are you wanting to recover your marriage? What is your vision for your marriage? You have had several affairs. Are you wanting to maintain the marriage and the cheater lifestyle on the side? What did/do marriage vows mean to you?

It seems as though you are most angry that your husband does not wish to see or talk with you and wants to use an intermediary. Is that so?

What changes, if any, are you willing to make? Will you eliminate the opportunities to have sex with other men, ie. quit your job, quit drinking with men, never use facebook again, etc?
If I read your post correctly, you don't seem highly motivated to change your behavior and have a meaningful, intimate, faithful relationship with your husband. Am I misunderstanding what you have written?


AM

You are a serial cheater. Your BH is not obligated to restore a marriage you have REPEATEDLY nuked now that you have decided you don't want a divorce. Your BH is not safe in a marriage with you and is smart to go into Plan B and or D. What is your question?

I suspect the basic issue is that you still have a traveling job and that keeps him triggered because it is so unsafe. What is being to done to eliminate that risk?

Dr Harley's rule is that couples never spend the night apart again.

By refusing to use the IM, you are going to push your BH further away.

Your reasoning for doing this...Where do I begin? It comes across as self-serving, hypocritical and manipulative.

Were you thinking of your DS when you were having these affairs, trickle truthing your BH and decimating your M? No.

I am sorry to be blunt, but that would make my blood boil if my STBXH said something like this to me.

It has nothing to do with "being adult" and everything to do with your BH being able to protect himself emotionally and begin to heal and find some peace after this HELL that you have put him through.

That is what is BEST for your son.

I hope you are sincere in wanting to save your marriage. Listen to the vets they will guide you. You will read comments or advice that will be painful, but if you are genuine you will need to take this on board. You will need to eliminate the the conditions that made you affair possible such as overnight travel and provide your husband with "just compensation". Your actions need to show you are remorseful and sincere in wanting to restore your marriage. Words will not be enough.

I am relatively new here and speak as a BW. Your husband has been to hell and back, he has faced the most painful behaviour inflicted by the person he loves. He needs to be certain of your sincerity, no one wants to face a false recovery. You will need to be completely honest and open with him.

I wish you well and hope you can restore your marriage. I know you are facing the pain of your actions, but in doing this, recognising and accepting responsibility for the pain you have caused your family you will help yourself, your family and hopefully your marriage to heal.

Are you willing to quit your job so you do not spend anymore nights apart?

This will show your BH you're serious.

I've heard Dr. Harley say he has counseled many pilots and attendants and if they want to save their M they either need to have their spouse travel with them all the time or find a new career.

Listen to this radio clip.
Radio clip on H being a pilot

Wow, guys, thanks for all the responses. I really did feel like no one would take the time to read my super long post.

I want to reiterate that there seems to be a lot of acronyms on these posts. Is there a link to see a list? It took me way to long to figure out what BH meant. (And yes, I did feel dumb when I figured it out)

I guess I'll answer in chronological order? That seems best.

Well, actually, this was a recurring theme in a lot of posts: me being away from home. I do agree that I was a serial cheater and that my being a flight attendant is not conducive to me. Unfortunately, I am on a governmental contract which I cannot get out of. The upside is that I only have two more years and then I can get out of it and do something that is more in accordance with MB plans. I cannot do anything about it at this time which is pretty problematic, to say the least. I told my BH that I was willing to get out and do something that does not require me to travel. In fact, my long term goal is to be a tacher which does not require traveling at all. We have both discussed me getting out of flying when I have the opportunity to.

I jsut realized I can post to individual people so I will do that.

Thanks again guys.

Yes, he did. I am not sure if he still does but I know he did a lot. I am not sure of his name. He really didn't want me looking at his posts. I read some of his posts one time without him knowing back in March or February. But that was it

Have you approached your employer about this? Have you explained to them that you have behaved immorally in your job? That may be reason enough to cause them to release you from your contract. If this is a government agency they may have a morals clause that you have violated, which would be cause for dismissal.

Have you investigated this?

I thought about it a lot. At first, maybe I just wanted to kind of journal this experience. But then I realized that I want to believe in MB so much that I thought that maybe I was looking for support. I am not afraid of what people's opinions might be. I hope to try to take advice for what its worth.

I could be released b=from my position if I was of a higher grade or if I had been flying longer. Right now, I am still a fairly new Flight Attendant. Neither of this things apply. My management is aware of at least the last affair.

What exactly are you hoping to gain from MB? Are you wanting to recover your marriage? What is your vision for your marriage? You have had several affairs. Are you wanting to maintain the marriage and the cheater lifestyle on the side? What did/do marriage vows mean to you?

It seems as though you are most angry that your husband does not wish to see or talk with you and wants to use an intermediary. Is that so?

What changes, if any, are you willing to make? Will you eliminate the opportunities to have sex with other men, ie. quit your job, quit drinking with men, never use facebook again, etc?
If I read your post correctly, you don't seem highly motivated to change your behavior and have a meaningful, intimate, faithful relationship with your husband. Am I misunderstanding what you have written?


Yes, I guess you have misunderstood what I have written. I'm not really sure why I would ahve spent so much time in MB or now seeking help from MB members if I wasn't willing to make changes.

I do want to recover my marriage. I feel like I can change and have changed. I am willing to not have sex with other men, not drink with en. We discussed the FB thing with Steve and he didn't think it was a good idea to quit it. He said FB would be an opportunity to show my BH how many changes I am making, i.e limiting te amount of male friends I have to people we both approve of (which I have done), and blocking as many past affairs as I can (which I have done.) I have made a weakness protection plan, as outlined by MB. I guess I could have elaboreated more on it from my post but I was thinking that the post was long enough already. In it, I limit male conversations to strictly polite (good morning) or professional (having to do with work topics.) I do not drink while I am on the road. These are just two from the top five emotional needs I have discussed with Steve.

I don't know what made you think that I don't want to change my behavior and have a meaningful, intimate, faithful relationship with my husband. I guess I was mainly sticking with historical facts of what happened. Now, I can go into detail of what I wish to do. At this point, I feel like I can't ask my husband to stay or say anything else. All I can do is show him my intent to change and stay on this path. I do not want a divorce. I believe in MB. I believe in myself and my willingness to change.

Sorry, as I stated in my original post, I don't understand any of your acronyms except BH and M so didn't get some of what you wrote. I did take your advice about the intermediary and spoke to someone with a more common ground. I still refuse to use an intermediary to discuss matters with our son. No, I wasn't thinking about my marriage, my family or my son when I was having affairs but I can't ever take that away. I hope not only I can learn my mistakes but my BH and also our married friends since my affairs have been exposed. It does nothing to have a pissing match about our separation conditions. I do understand he needs space and I am willing to give him all he wants. I have not contacted him at all per his request. But we must streamline the parenting progress for our son. I have not told him he needs to see me or talk to me. If he wants to email me thats fine. Anywho, that is what I think. I did think that some of your points were valid and I took them into consideration. Thanks!

I was a serial cheater. I am well aware that he doesn't have to be in a marriage with me if he doesn't want to. I just hope the space he has now and the changes that I have made and continue to make make an impression on him someday.

I am not sure what Plan B or D is. Maybe you can provide me a link to what you are talking about.

Thank you for your kind and sincere words.