Background: We dated for about a year, lived together for 2 years,(One year in our apartment and one year in our house) and just after our 3 yr anniversary we got married. It was a perfect day. But I just want to figure out how make this marriage a better one and we've had some issues since that I don't know how to cope with. This a first marriage for both of us and we have no children.



At home, when other people are not around or we are not having to do with everyday realities or stresses, we are very happy. We laugh alot, we get each other. We have hobbies we enjoy. We are happy, content and happy....But then we are dealing with stressful everyday life stuff such as bills, we tend fight more and when we get around other people outside of our marriage, he acts very immature and thoughtless. Everyone looks like he has two heads and makes remarks like "He's your husband". "You married HIM" and I find it very frustrating. How can we have such a close content relationship/friendship sometimes and have something completely different at other times??? I know he's a wonderful person, he's got a big heart and so much potential but he can be a big immature kid most of the time. I hate it because no one likes being around him, no one understands him, and people we know, family/ friends are always trying to make me feel bad for being with him?


I just really want to feel that content feeling that I felt in the beginning, when our relationship was first starting out. I was so happy and I never any reason to feel otherwise. he and I just got along, had so much in common, and he was just such a wonderful person that I enjoyed being with and getting to know. He was perfect. Sometimes it was just too good to be true and I knew he was "The ONE" I had no doubt.
But time has changed so much. I have started to see how really immature he can be even though I still know he is a good person. He just bugs most people with his thoughtless comments

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

How old are the both of you?
First Marriage for the both of you?
Any kids?

Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts? Here A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

How much UA time are you getting a week? Policy of Undivided Attention

This is the place to learn to treat each other with respect all the time.

Also read this and tell us which ones you're guilty of. Lovebusters

Welcome to MB!

How old is your H? Have you tried to talk to him about this? If so what has he said?

My H and I married very young and I have been there! Do you find this mostly happens when around other males in his age group? I remember being in complete shock the first time I saw this type of stuff from my H, and I also got some of the "oh is THAT your husband?!" Not fond memories! The good news...he finally outgrew this, thank goodness!

You would think I might have some great tips or advice here, but I don't think I actually found a "solution" other then just time, and waiting for him to grow up some. I decided not to allow the snooty women get to me with these comments. Obviously they knew that was my husband, and I wasn't about to defnd him or myself to them, period.

This was all well before I found MB though. Is he willing to work through the MB program with you?

Can you give an example of his behaviour?

I'm wondering because I have two female friends whose husbands garner the same reactions - one is just young and immature but harmless, the other is immature to the point of disrespecting his wife but she writes it off in a similar manner as you would state.

Just want to be clear, that's all.

Most of the time it's just thoughtless immature comments and for the most it is when he gets around other young guys or just other guys...

but there have been times when it's been with my mom. Like for example, My parents helped us buy a new refrigerator recently cause ours broke. it happened at a bad time, and we were unable get it by ourself so my parents helped.

My mom called to let us know it would be delivered in a week and he told her that that was stupid and we needed it now. Made dumb immature comments about how my dad should be more of a man and pick it up and install it himself rather than way for it to be delivered.

i was so upset when I found out. he thinks it's no big deal and for him he was just joking and being "Immature" but that's not how they saw it. They had just helped us out with something and he didn't sound very 'grateful' or appreciative.
I mean he said thank you and he says he is grateful but sometimes his actions show otherwise....

but that is just one example. he's always making rude, thoughtless comments to everybody we are around.....But he wasn't always that way..

This sounds bad but my husband is 29. He will be 30 in december. But he does not act his age ever.


He's a wonderful person with a big heart. He's always helping people in need and he can be very romantic but sometimes he can be just a big immature kid. I hate it. I want him to grow up and show people the guy he can really be deep down inside. The guy I first fell in love with, the guy I see when it's just him and me. Hanging out at home together, laughing and talking, eating dinner together.we've even started on a puzzle together...We get along pretty good for the most part....

My suggestion is to quit making excuses for this man ... you and he have developed a renter's mentality, and in order to become a buyer and make your marriage work, both of you will need to fully understand the Policy of Joint agreement. POJA

Are you familiar with Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts? If not, read up and get familiar with Emotional needs.

His thoughtlessness will be eradicated quickly with POJA ... then you both must make sure you meet each other's most important emotional needs at least 15 hours/week.

He won't have time to be thoughtless ... and in the end you will have taken this renter relationship to a buyer relationship with romantic love in the forefront.

I would ask your dad to refuse to help you further unless it is a life or death matter. That is ridiculous that your H called into question the manhood of a person who helped you get what your H could not. Not being able to rely on another man will help your H grow faster. Wow. My daughter is only 8, but if her future H said something like that to me, I would tell him that styrofoam coolers are very cheap, hope he likes buying ice daily, like a MAN. And I am the mom!

WOW! Thanks for the example, this is quite different then what I expected when you mentioned immature behaviour. I thought you were talking about maybe loud or rowdy, wearing a lamp shade at a party behaviour.

Honestly, I am not sure that I would even consider this to be immature behaviour. It seems more like rude, self entitled, and disrespectful behaviour!

I would definitely not defend this or make any excuses for him, and let him SUFFER all natural consequences for this type of attitude. Obviously you know this is not acceptable, and are here for help, but perhaps you are minimizing this by thinking it is simply immaturity.

How did your parents respond? What does your H say for himself after you confront him about this type of behaviour?

Are you two the same age, or at least very close? Or are you older?

GUYS, forgive me, but you know this is a general truth: women mature faster than men.

Was he mature when you fell in love with him? I am thinking you probably had the love goggles on, and when there was nothing to do but have fun, that was cool with you. But now you are grown and he is not. He will eventually catch up, but meanwhile I suggest you enjoy the man you chose and stop worrying about what others think; when someone asks, "Is that your husband?" answer, "Yep. Ain't he grand?"

And be honest with him about how his behavior outside of home bothers you. Does it seem like he doesn't care how you feel? If so, practice leaving the situation when he gets inappropriate--with him if possible, without him if necessary.

Just try not to stifle all the things you liked about him to begin with. How long have you been married? The first two years are tough. The first ten, ime, are tough when you live together first.

I think your DH is doing what is called "projection":
He feels like less of a man because he has to have your parents help him get a refrigerator, but he feels bad about that, so he is projecting that feeling onto your dad.

Or subconsciously he is trying to drive them away from helping because he knows he should not need their help.

"Projection: a psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.[1]

Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted unconscious impulses or desires without letting the conscious mind recognize them.

An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure. The mind may avoid the discomfort of consciously admitting personal faults by keeping those feelings unconscious, and by redirecting libidinal satisfaction by attaching, or "projecting," those same faults onto another person or object."

Great point wannabophim, I was thinking the same thing. If he is exhibiting this type of insulting behaviour also around his male peers, sounds like self esteem issues, as well as poor social skills. Sounds like he is not feeling satisfied with his own position or accomplishments, and is lashing out at others. The OP also mentioned fighting over bills as well, this could also be a clue.

He might feel he should be more financially stable at nearly 30, and watching his peers become more stable and successful is making him feel inadequate. I think men always want to feel they are quite capable of taking care of their family, and probably would feel uncomfortable and "less of a man" when needing help from your parents.

Either way this behaviour is a Love Buster for the OP. I would suggest buying the book, perhaps reading it together. Also filling out the love buster questionnaire together. Another idea might be to email the Harley's, it is unclear if he is open to MB, but seems he does not understand how much this behaviour is upsetting his wife.

We are five years apart.
i am 24 and he 29. but I think that I have always been much older than my age even when I was kid. Just a burden I have always had bear. I am just a very "serious" type of person.


as for my parents, they are very angry with him. My dad told him was an idiot and to stay away from him. It has caused alot of stress for me as it was not always this way before. Now I feel like there is a tug of war between my parents and my husband and I am caught in the middle.

He and my parents were getting along fine but I think he has gotten to comfortable with them, and thinks he can speak to them anyway he wants.

When we first got together he was always a little immature but never mean at all and most of the time it just made me laugh but now it just makes me mad cause it's gotten out of hand.

Plus he comes from a family with issues w/ alchol but it was controlled for him until he met my parents..My parents do alot of stuff I don't particularly agree with. They enjoy drinking alot and partying and My husband wasn't into that when it was just me, but now that he's spent alot more time around them, he started drinking more. If his inlaw can do it, why can't he, and when he drinks, it tends to make him not just immature but mean too and rude.

In the begining of our relationship, we lived far away so they really liked him when we'd come to visit but now we live near them and now we see them all the time. In that time, he's gotten more comfortable with them, and in turn thinks he can talk how he wants plus he thinks it's okay to drink alot more...


For my parents, they don't like it cause they think he takes advantage and he's always drinking all their beer and he never contributes to buying any beer..

I just miss when it was just us, and we did things together we enjoy and there was no drinking...We were always so happy and we saw my parents only occasionally and he was always so respectful with them probably cause he didn't feel too comfortable with them.


I just feel like I am alone in all this cause I am a person who doesn't drink..

JW,

thanks for the additional info. that really helps us to get a more clear picture. So sorry for what you are going through. I really identify with your situation for a couple of reasons. My parents decided not to accept my H, but within six months of our marriage in my case. My H wasn't rude to them, they just didn't approve, he wasn't good enough, or enough potential, or something, I won't go into many details but lets just say the situation with my parents attitude became absurd, I felt caught in the middle and was miserable.

I was of course upset and confused but in my case I have never had a great relationship with my parents anyway, I had to distance myself from my parents, and eventually we moved. The situation between H and my parents never actually resolved. We have our life, they have theirs. I think they do realize now they made a big mistake.

I hope your parents can be more reasonable then mine. This is your HUSBAND, and your LIFE. Has your H tried to go to them and apologize? Your marriage has to come first above even your parents.

My H also had an alcoholic parent, very different background in every way from my own. Unfortunately my H also has the addiction "gene" and this was another battle we had to get through. Children of addicts have a 50% chance of having addiction issues as well.

Does your H see his drinking as a problem? Addiction also stops the maturity process dead in its tracks, unfortunately, many people become mean, rude, or belligerent when drunk.

You are going to have to take a stand against his drinking and insist he admit to the problem and seek help. I did have to separate from my H many years ago until he was willing to admit he had a problem and go get help.

This is all very hard I know, I am so sorry for your situation. It WILL get better, but he has to stop drinking.