What do you do when the one person you love more than anything else just won't spend time with you? My fianc� says that she loves me but we spend no time together. We are going to be married in September but I am really starting to wonder what that will even mean. From the time we met till now we have really only had three dates. The problem is that we both have children. I have my kids on the weekends and she has her kids during the week and sometimes on the weekends. Every other Saturday night my kids would be with their mother so we planned on that being our "date night" Well like I said that lasted for about three times and now it has gone completely away. I never spend any time with her at all and her excuse is that she can't leave her children alone (with her parents) She lives with her parents and when she has stuff to do she has no problem leaving the children home. When it comes to us spending time together she says she feels guilty and the kids feel bad that we are together. She even sleeps in the same bed as the children and has even mentioned that when we get married she can't give that up. They are 7 and 11 and completely run her life. We just bought a house together and we are moving in together in July and now I am really scared because honestly if she really did love me then she would at least try to make some time for me. She says I knew that when we first met she was a mother and that is her number one priority. I understand that, I am a father and my children will always be my number one priority. However I made a commitment to also be a husband and she made a commitment to be a wife. She told me today that when you have children things like dates and alone time just don't happen anymore. I was married before and even though we didn't have "date nights" we still spent time together. I feel that I have neglected my children to try to make this relationship work. I am not trying to take her away from her children. I would never do that. But I know that not spending time together will just cause us to live separate lives and one day she will just leave for someone else because she simply does not value what we have together as much as I do. By the way, in the beginning it was not like this. She made time to call and spend time with her and the kids. Now it only happens when she feels like having me or my kids around. I am hurt and I am scared because I know I love her and I want this family to work but I think I am the only one. When I mention spending more time with her she gets angry and says I am emotionally suffocating her. Really? when you love someone don't you want to spend time with them. Two hours ever other Saturday night was too much for her? And I am the bad guy for feeling bad.

This is something that 2 of my friends that have children from a previous marriage have done, so they can free up some alone time. They arrange their schedules with their kids with their spouse's.

So, every other weekend they have all of the kids at their house, and the next? All of the kids are with the other parents, and they have a whole weekend to themselves.

You have no business getting married if your kids come before the marriage. That is a surefire ticket to divorce. Did you know blended families have an 85% divorce rate? This is the reason why. Your marriage won't last very long at all.

You would be wise to back out of this before it is too late. There is no reason you can't maintain a casual dating relationship with her while you both raise your kids in separate homes. That way you can put your kids first and your relationship last for the time being.

Wow, her kids are 7 & 11, and live with grandparents? And she can't spend any time out with you? Yeeeesh. I would kill for that scenario - I still manage to ship out my 1.5 year old to grandpa's a few times a week and he doesn't live with us.

Excuses, excuses from her.

You guys bought a house together? Might be worth a financial hit here before you move in.

If she is refusing to date you (you are ENGAGED) and even refuse to do so after you are married and living together then no, what a disaster.

I love my child but my child needs to see a mom and dad who love each other and have a life outside of him. My son does NOT need to learn that the world revolves around him because it does NOT!

Besides, the greatest memories for many kids at 7 & 11 was having popcorn & movie nights with grandparents! These kids are missing out

I would not marry this woman if I were you.

Why did her first marriage end??

Here's some excellent radio clips on blended families.

Please listen and tell me what you think.
Radio Clip on Blended Families
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Run for the hills



As fast as you can


And spend some time being alone and figuring out why you would get engaged to someone whom you don't know and who is so wrong for you.

And then date some people, and do not get engaged to anyone until you have known them for at least a year or two.

AGG

Thanks everyone for your posts. I don't think that anyone has given me any advice to stay in the relationship even outside this forum. lol. Actually I guess that is not that funny. Honestly I agree with you Alis that the children need to see a family with a mother and father who love each other. Unfortunately her children see her with their father all the time and so I am seen as an outsider to them. That was my biggest fear going into this was that I didn't get to spend enough time with the family so that they understand who I am. It is really difficult because I love her so much and I want these families to work. We really are good together. If she would give me just some time with her at all I know this could work. I have talked to her numerous times about it and it just seems to go in one ear and out the other.

No, you are not...

Good thing you bought a house together, now you'll get all the time in the world with her

AGG

Dr. Harley's specific advise to me was to make my kids a priority. Granted my WH sees these children rarely, so I am a 100% single mother.

Dr. Harley said my children need me as an anchor for many years and I should put dating men on the back burner for a while. He said the only way to move forward with any relationship is if the other person along with myself have a strong and supportive system for the Policy of Joint agreement and I, as my kids mother, must do all the discipline.

If you cannot do POJA with your fiancee, then you will likely not have a successful marriage. Presently, past behavior is telling you what your future will entail unless you both dramatically change the dynamics of your relationship.

How did her first marriage end?

So you know ahead of time that you won't be able to sleep in the same bed as your wife, you won't be able to spend time with her alone even though her parents could watch them and she won't make you a priority in her life.

And this is as good as it will get. People try to impress others while they are dating. So it will only get worse from here.

I think she sees you as a resource for her...someone who will contribute money to the household and probably do outside chores and may be more things like cook and clean. What does she bring to the marriage? Companionship? no. Intimacy? no. Something else?

So knowing that this is all you get, is this a marriage you want?

There is something beyond bizarre with this whole story. They had a total of three dates. They are engaged to be married and already bought a house together. But she does not give him the time of day, and does not plan to.

I guess the obvious question is what are we missing here, why would anyone in their right want to marry someone whom they don't know, and what they do know about them is not good??? Is someone holding a gun to someone's head?

AGG