I know that flying is detrimental to my marriage. Every time I have left for a trip during the recovery process before my husband left, he was a mess, even though I would contact him as much as possible and I refrained from drinking or socailizing.

I can't just quit my job. Not because I need the money or because I just won't but because I am in a governmental contract. It isn't possible for me to quit. I have started looking into some positions that do not require me to fly but these are only temporary and these still require my management to sign off on them which I don't know if they would. I am going to discuss this with my direct supervisor. For at least the next two years, I have to fly. In hindsight, this career choice was even more detrimental to me.

Most of my affairs were one night stands and were from a long time ago. Admittedly, I can't remember some of their names. My last affair went on for about 6 months and was an EA and PA, though it started as a PA. He did expose this affair to everyone, including the OM's FB friends.

Yea, I am sure that is my BH. The name is actually an inside joke so thats why I know. So when you say you are going into Plan B, they delete you thread? I don't know, maybe its better that its not on here. When he caught me looking at his thread last time he was really upset. I don't know how I would have felt about knowing his name and seeing his thread when I know he didn't want me to read, especially now probably. Anyways, does anyone have any good threads from BHs? I read the Recovery of a Wayward Wife that BrainHurts sent me. Its really powerful. There really is so much to learn through MB. And I guess it helps to feel you are not alone, on both sides.

I have an appointment with Steve next Tuesday (he has been on vacation.) This was the last appointment in our last package and I will extend my BH to join it though I doubt he will. I am not sure if he believes th MB principles anymore. Last session we had with Steve, he was talking to us about recovery (this before my polygraph) and my BH just right out and asked him, "Steve, do you really believe this stuff?" I could tell Steve was a little upset about it and did his best to talk my BH down. Since he wan'ts no contact, I guess I can go through our IM and I can tell him that he can take the first session with Steve, call him on his own. Then, the MB office can email me an tell me he is done and then I can call Steve? DO you all think this might work? I would still be giving him space but at the same time he can still attend the session.

*emphasis mine

I have no idea what you mean by "streamline the parenting progress" and what this has to do with the well being of your son? Streamline implies that it would be beneficial for YOU.

If your true concern is doing what's best for your son, then I invite you read up on Parallel Parenting (there is a post in the Notables section) All the research is pointing now to the fact that children do much better when each parent is not in conflict/turmoil/emotional distress from forced direct contact with their separated/divorced spouse.

That when one parent wants parallel parenting and the other parent refuses to accept that, that in turn just increases the level of conflict and bad feelings.

Please understand that there are many Plan Bers here who basically use the parallel parenting principles and their children are doing fine (mine included)...so it is somewhat insulting for you to imply that parenting in this way is "not fair to the children" etc.

Well, I think that if posters on here are open to advice and criticism from other members then the people that read their posts should adopt that same attitude. I, of course, do not know you personally or your situation. What I wrote pertained to my life. Like I wrote in my reply, I did think about what you wrote and I took your advice on not pushing the IM thing away. (not sure if you read my reply).

What I said about streamlining the parenting process I meant to make sure we were on the same parenting page. I am not sure how you got that was for me. I have not tried to contact my BH at all per his request. Thank you for your link on parallel parenting. In my original post, I indicated that this forum was new to me. I have read Dr. Harley's ideologies on Basic Concepts, Love Bank, Emotional Needs, Love buster, and have read the book "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" but I have not surfed around the site or forum to find threads or links like what you have posted so thanks.

Again, please don't take what I write on here personally to you. I'm sorry if I offended you.

Promise83,

Here is both sides of a thread that really helped me. Not sure why it clicked at the time, but later on MrZonie revealed that she had been molested by a brother, just like my W.

God Bless
Gamma

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...s&id=53282&view=posts&page=2

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...s&id=53262&view=posts&page=5

P83,

One other thing is that you can't lie about ANYTHING going forward, any white lie causes an avalanche of distrust.

It's not just the infidelity but the financial and who what where why and how lies that infidelity creates.

God Bless
Gamma

Do not write my posts off as "she is taking it personally."

I have written what I have written because you are still trying to manipulate your BH by trying to force him to communicate with you citing "good parenting".

You wrote nothing that makes any sense about why an IM can't be used....You did throw out a few things like wanting to "streamline" the process and something about it not turning this into a pissing match. This does nothing to convery why you would honestly think using an IM would be detrimental to your son.

Sorry but you are going to get called out on that here. Period.

Are you a Space-A flight attendant?

Self-edit.

mb, you probably didn't follow AJJ's thread as closely as I did. I can't blame him one bit for not wanting to talk to her about anything. She has lied and trickle truthed this thing to the nth degree, and on the morning (or night before) she was to take the poly AJJ saw that she was Googling "How to beat a poly".

I don't blame AJJ at all for him throwing his hands up over this. 6 other men???? I was actually trying to get him to at least give it a chance, but when I saw the Google search thingy, I was all out....as I'm sure he is. And I don't blame him one damned bit.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings Promises83, but you brought this on yourself. Time to suck it up and live with it.

There's an old quote that has always rung true:

Your character is what you do when no one is watching

You might want to chew on this one for a while.

X2

Any explanation for this, promise?

promises, you know who this is

I'll start this off by emphasizing that this is not going to be a nice post and I appoligize to anyone who feels this is not the correct media for this type of voiced opinion (perhaps it isnt). Also, I do recognize that I am biased, as there is no one in the world I hate more than you. That being said, & despite this posts tone, which I am currently incapable of dampening, I have every intention of helping you. Not for you or ajj, but for my amazing little nephew who needs a sane mother & a complete makeover on a rollmodel.

Writting this is in violation of ajj's no contact request, and until I read this I had no intention of contacting you, at least for years to come. After reading your posts, it truely amazes me at how little progress you've made after all this time. You truely are in worse shape than I imagined. Here is the fasttrack since you still havent figured it out. This entire post is riddled with self incriminating supporting evidence, despite the half truths and convienient gaps in information. The reason you cheat is your complete and utter lack of empathy for anyone but yourself and incapacity to accept the flaws of who you ARE, not who you WERE. Because of this, you have lived your ENTIRE life in a bubble where your reality was based on your reflection in other peoples eyes. You could never accept that you had the same flaws as everyone else. Your powers of self delusion were so powerful that as long as everyone thought you were the perfect wife, you could actually believe it yourself! I wrote that in past tense, but not a damn thing has changed. When ajosejake first told me about the full exposure I wasnt sure what to think, but shortly realized the genious of it. (brainhurts & co, I cant thank you enough for all youve done) He completely shattered your bubble. He just robbed you of your perfect wife/mother image. I initially thought this would force you to have a come to jesus meeting with yourself to determine whether or not YOU wanted to be in the marriage for the love of your family, & not for your love of picture perfect facebook posts. To be honest, after you didnt give up a part of me thought there might be hope. Ha! Lets begin...

Exibit A: Life in a bubble
So you are not sure why you wrote this post ehh? Let me break it down for you. You found a new bubble. Instead of the perfect wife, youve been downsized to the remorseful one. Now after months of your BS, he left you and youve been downgraded again to the victimized remorseful wife. Since the exposure, not one of your friends or family will give you that "reflection in other peoples eyes" you so desperately need for this bubble to be sustained. You now have resorted to this forum, and accordingly, in this post youve attempted to portray acceptance of guilt, youve given a lovely story of character growth from the sinful person you were to the wonderful person you are now, and youve even convinced us of your victim status to such a cruel unforgiving, unreasonable, angry violent sex fiend of a husband. If you can just get these people to believe you are remorseful, maybe convince another wayward of your sincerity, you can go on living in your bubble. Heres a note on accepting guilt, dont pass your infidelity off onto your lack of a father! "I want to say that I don't think this is an excuse for all the afairs I had." BS! you wouldnt have said it otherwise! And as far as character growth, heres a challenge for you. I know the answer and so do you, but we definately wont agree. Has there been even one occasion through this whole process where youve realized you HAVE, NOT HAD, serious character flaws that need addressing? NO! Flaws exist outside of your bubble, thats the whole idea. For months ive been searching for some glimmer of hope in this S***storm, & nowhere, not even in this "last stand" post do you admit to ANYTHING you have not been caught red handed on (besides the attempt to hurt AJJ with your admittance you have been cheating on him since a week into your 9 year marriage!) Do you honestly believe anyone here believes AJJ gave you MONTHS to work things out, despite his best instinct, only to leave after you passed the rediculously expensive polygraph with "flying colors?" Your absolute refusal of self evaluation, & after all the **** youve done is discusting! & the most pathetic thing is that you refuse to even lift a finger to maintain your little bubble. Name one thing youve given up, besides touching LT's on the arm! "I am willing to not have sex with other men, not drink with en." Oh how noble of you, anyone have a cookie? Heres my favorite: "Unfortunately, I am on a governmental contract which I cannot get out of.", oh really? Can anyone else in the service back this one up? Besides AJJ's belief he can end your career:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...ds=ajosejake&Search=true#Post2599242
Seems all it takes is a little motivation ehh

Exibit B: Incapacity to accept self flaws
Enough said, you suck. God I hate you.

Exibit C: Lack of empathy
Not once in this entire post, or anything I've seen outside of this post (very impressive btw) have I seen you put yourself in your H's shoes and truely try to imagine how your actions have have destroyed his very soul. I had a lot more but am drunk & tired of typing. Read your own damn thread

Heres my advice to you, which you will not take. SHUT THE HELL UP! dont try to defend yourself, dont try to thank anyone for good advice. Know that YOU are the only one in the world that believes what you say, and YOU SHOULDNT! Know that with your type of personality, everything you say can be detrimental to your recovery as it will define you. You cannot be wrong, & with the guilt youve buried, theres a lot of wrong to be. Let this sink in over the next few months.

MadJake,

Please send my support to AJJ. I'm glad he has you IRL. (((AJJ)))

I didn't Google "How to beat a poly!" I googled "polygraph" I went on the top five different websites, to include the American Polygraph Association, which I spent some time on. Some of the "cheat a polygraph" explained further into the how the lie is detected, blood pressure, and so forth along with notions of "puting a tack in your shoe," etc. I wanted to see the science behind it, which I didn't understand as I had never read on it. My BH did tons of research, too, when he decided on the polygraph but we never talked about it. The man that did my polygraph has been doing polygraph testing for over 30 years and worked for the Police Department. I know the ploygraph is a major part of the recovery process for MB. I don't think that if someone could cheat a polygraph by looking at polygraph websites a couple of hours before the test with a person who is an expert that it would be so used. The government uses them, too.

I know how many affairs I had. And I know he has no reason to believe in recovery. I don't blame him for leaving. As I said, I haven't tried to contact him.

My thanks is to you, and GJM & helpthelostdads & the whole lot of you. as you probably realized, we are not an emotional family, but even your guys' small suggestions had me tearing up at work. not sure what you guys get out of all this but I am forever in your debt.

Saw this in the morning, got to go to work, so I'll reply at night.

We don't get anything other than paying it forward. We do hope for the best. I hope you and your family the best and I commend you for standing up for AJJ.

Some people are just toxic.

of course you will