She still works there and she is single. She lives alone and is, as her texts to my wife detail, not remorseful for the relationship, but is for causing harm.

I have told my wife that you have asked whether she will post or not. I told her it was her call. She asked if I wanted her to. I said no evade it would make me uncomfortable. Ten I told her it was probably a good idea based on that.

None of the other women were married.

Welcome Mrs. Therightthing to Marriage Builders. Love for you to start your own thread.

I'm his wife. I just registered.

He says he's 100% committed to making this better, but he's not. He's way foggy. He's been no contact for about two and a half weeks, but just confessed that his EA was a PA last night around midnight.

Now, less than 24 hours later he's lying on the couch saying how depressed he is and how he can't fix this. He doesn't want to do the polygraph, but says he 'will'.

He has not done and refuses to do ANYTHING I ask. He's cold and generally expressing the fact that it isn't worth his effort to make this up to me because he 'just knows' I'll never forgive him.

Sounds to me like he doesn't want this to work and is trying to make me be the one to end it.

He says he wants this relationship, but doesn't know what 'the right choice is'.

I want this to work but I am so, so brokenhearted. After two weeks of thinking things were going great, and talking endlessly about how important total honesty is, he was still lying right to my face. And now that he's not lying, he apparently no longer wants to do any of the work to save our marriage, or in any way assuage the pain of his affair for me. I don't know how to make it work if he SAYS he's sorry and oh so repentant, but his actions say he can't be bothered.

I should probably start my own thread because it isn't fair to be ranting here on his.

AlmostInvictus, I agree, start your own thread.

In the meantime, please get yourself tested for STDs, it is clear that he is a serial adulterer.

I'm relieved that my wife has posted. Sea already expressed these things to me, and yes, I AM a serial adulterer.

I will be getting tested for STIs on Thursday and disclosing everything to our mutual doctor.

I am guilty of all of the above.

It's occurred to me that I haven't even asked the question I've been wanting to.

I have repeatedly stated that I "don't know what to do", an that is the truth. I feel like she won't believe me in the least when I try to "show" her that I want to be in this.

How can I defeat that, and what could I possibly do to prove that I want to be here? How to I break past the fear of failure, and the obvious fear of success?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Almost. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

Among other things, I would suggest that you need to start prepare for a separation from your husband, in case he does not follow through on doing what is necessary to recover. We will do our best to persuade him that this is the right course, but you need to start preparing for the eventuality that he may not do what it takes.

rightthing, it's time to get off the couch and learn what it takes to recover a marriage after infidelity. Quit whining that you do not know what to do. You are on a site that tells you what you need to do, and only a lazy person or a complete moron could sit on this site for very long without learning what it takes to recover from infidelity.

Okay, rightthing,

First of all, it doesn't matter if your wife believes you or not. At this point in time, convincing her of ANYTHING is not part of what you need to do. Got it? So don't spend any time obsessing about what she does or does not believe. It is a distraction from what you need to do.

Second of all, you are on an education site for teaching you what to do to recover your marriage from an affair. Get busy and embark on a program of education for yourself.

Have you viewed Dr. Harley's video on infidelity? Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Have you read every page of Dr. Harley's Q&A columns on infidelity? Here is the link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

There are 29 pages there for you to read. Got it? Twenty-nine long pages, and you need to read them all, even the ones that you might think don't apply to you.

Third, do you own the book Surviving an Affair? If not, buy it online IMMEDIATELY and when it arrives start reading it from cover to cover.

I will not waste any time with you if you are so lazy that you are unwilling to do these three things.

I will. I have three little kids here and I don't want to sit at the computer crying and being a mess right now, but I'll post after they go to bed tonight.

My goal for the day is basically to get through it.

And hope he decides to show a little more concern for my feelings.

I'm so ashamed of being a person it's so easy to betray. And so hurt that he's not wanting to help me through this.

I know it's pretty normal. But damn.

These questions are about your feelings, which don't matter at this point. The action plan here is a plan you undertake regardless of how you feel about it.

You don't need to break past the fear of failure. That's [censored] code for "doing nothing." Like for several months when I claimed I was "working on my anger problem." Truth was I was doing NOTHING!

You don't have any emotional obstacles to overcome. You are not clueless and helpless. You are a grown man in big boy pants and can JUST DO IT whether you are afraid or not, and whether your wife believes you want to be here or not.

You don't have a fear problem or any other emotional problem. You do have an ignorance problem: you can't JUST DO "IT" until you get off the couch and stop whining and start reading so you can learn what to do. You also likely have a laziness problem. So shut up, get up, read up, and get started.

To work this plan, do not focus on your wife's feelings at the moment. Her feelings will change and go back and forth and up and down many times. Focus on your own actions. In this case, your lack of actions. So far, you've posted on a website, sat on the couch, and whined. None of those is a step in Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders plan.

Go ahead and get started on your own thread, Invictus. The fine folks here can help you learn how to change this about yourself.

"He has not done and refuses to do ANYTHING I ask. He's cold and generally expressing the fact that it isn't worth his effort to make this up to me because he 'just knows' I'll never forgive him."

Hello AI. He is right, you won't forgive him and you SHOULD NOT. That would be inappropriate. Instead of demanding forgiveness for himself, he should be busting his [censored] to give you just compensation. That means he tells you the full truth, passes a polygraph, affair proofs your marriage and does a much better job of meeting your needs and committing to the marriage. If he won't do that, then you would be better off without him. Without those steps, your future will be filled with more affairs.

NO ONE is worth that. So unless he makes a concerted effort to give you just compensation, you are just wasting your time with him. From his posts, he sounds like he is completely focused on his own misery rather than grave damage he has caused you.

Additionally, I doubt all of his skanks were single, so I would find out if they are married and if so, inform their husbands.

Have you been checked for STDs?

Markos:

I agree with you. I have HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS; LOVE BUSTERS, and the workbook. I'll go grab them now and get started.

I've also expressed interest to my wife in both the home study courses AND the online courses.

I'll buy FALL IN LOVE, STAY IN LOVE, and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

You may sound like an a**hole, but you make a lot of sense. Thanks.

Talk is cheap. Your fears are irrelevant. What matters is rendering aide to your victim rather than worrying about yourself. Give her just compensation by changing your life in a way that this can't happen again. Find another job, open up your life to her and start acting like a husband. And stop whining about getting forgiveness. You aren't going to get forgiveness. It is inappropriate.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Can't we Just Forgive and Forget?

Thanks, Melody. I've read that one.

I'm just about at the point where I'm ready to give up on myself as focus on her and the kids entirely.

I've just proposed that we take a trip to the bookstore where I will take the kids to the kid's section while she looks around for things she wants. Whenever we go to the bookstore, she always ends up with the kids. It's my turn to take the rug rats on.

While there, I will also purchase a gift card and order FiL, SiL, and SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

You're all right. It's time for me to step up or step out.

Here goes.

Great. Do not miss what I said about viewing Dr. Harley's video and reading the 29-article "How to Survive Infidelity" section of this website. Those are free and available to you NOW. Get educated, and get busy.

Therightthing,

Your poor boundaries, running off to other women, is what has created this mess. Giving up on focusing on yourself is simply a way for you to weasel out of doing the hard dirty work this is going to take.

Expose yourself to your boss/human resources, your family/friends, your OW's family and friends, and schedule that polygraph to show her you are serious.

Your bookstore suggestion... helping her out with the kids well, sir, that is like putting a round little dinosaur bandaid on a overflowing cut artery. to an outsider, it seems like you are trying to play good husband to patch over your deeds,

Haha, good! I may not win any friendships, but I do want you to get busy, because I know that if you follow this plan it will lead to happiness for your family. And after that you may be glad I sounded like I did!

No more whining that you don't know what to do, okay? Your brain is going to be like a library of broken records that are going to tell you ridiculous things to repeat like this. When you are repeating such things, you are not acting. Get busy.

Speaking of "what to do,"

Start a to-do list. Start it from this thread. Write down everything that has been suggested, and add to your list as you are going through the materials here.

* Tell my wife all the truth without minimizing anything
* Expose my affairs completely to my children
* Expose my affairs completely to employers and others, especially victims
* Get tested for STDs
...