My husband and I have been having trouble for a little over 2 months now. He started becoming very distant with me and extremely attached to his cell phone. I questioned him about it and he said that he wasn't happy because I question him all the time and am not affectionate enough. Of course I wondered what else was going on and long story short I discovered that he is having and emotional affair with another woman. He does not agree that it is an emotional affair and says that he has never cheated on me and that he hasn't done anything wrong. In the last 2 months it has been a roller coaster ride. I would really love nothing more then to move past this situation and be stronger for having worked through it. I have spent a lot of my time trying to work on the things that I need to like being more attentive and not "nagging him" but it is so hard. I really don't think that he is having sex with this woman, he is still very interested in having sex with me, but he is giving her a lot of his attention. He says he talks to her about mindless things and its a distraction from everything else. Of course it is going to be hard for us to talk because of everything that is going on but we don't have a chance if we both aren't trying. On Mother's Day he gave me a card saying how much he loved me and that I was his best friend and we had this great talk about everything which made me feel like we were going to get somewhere. That conversation started because I told him I was done and leaving. He said he was willing to go to counseling and read His Needs, Her Needs with me. Everything was going okay but then this past Sunday when I told him that I was having a really hard time and feeling really jealous about how much he talks to this other woman he got nasty and said he is sick of hearing about that topic and he isn't doing anything wrong so I should trust him. I really want to trust him but he is not being up front with me, how can I trust someone like that. He wants to be able to do whatever he want without me questioning him. The only time we seem to have any kind of productive conversation is when I tell him I going to leave or that I'm done. I really want this to work out so I do find myself pursuing him. I am always the one trying to talk to him. I think he feels like he is in complete control and is trying to see what he can get away with. I have talked to my therapist and he suggests that I should back off and just be civil to him. Not to try to address anything with him. Make him realize that I am not going to be treated this way. I am having such a hard time with that because I just want everything to get better.

Sorry this is so long but I would love anyone's thoughts or advice.

I am so sorry you find yourself in need of being here... HOWever .. this is the best place you could be in a situation like yours.

My gut feeling on the issue is that your hubby is gaslighting you about his EA. Please get some snooping done. Put a VAR in his car and/or a keylogger on your home PC and if you can some spyware on his phone. YOu gotta get the goods about this EA .. it could be PA already. Especailly if he is being defensive about the topic.

Read all you can here .. ORder Surviving an affair. An EA is just as bad as a PA.

Check this link... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html _what is an affair?

I would FIRE your therapist .. and use the MB coaching center. You will get alot more bang for your buck. 1 session with MB coaching is FAR more productive than ANY MC/therapist.

I would PLan A your hubby (meet his emotional needs) and in the mean time ... all the while you gather your goods to find out what he is REALLY up to. IF you find something with the snooping ... bring it here and DO NOT confront. Be kind and let him bring his guard down a bit and slip up so you can figure out what to do next.

MNG

P.S. I would move this thread to Surviving an affair. Click notify and ask the mods to move it.

Ditto MNG !!


Carrie. How is backing off and not addressing anything going to show that you will not be treated this way. I think that would actually show him the OPPOSITE...that you will be treated that way and won't do anything about it.

However, I do agree that you should back off while you start snooping. Put a keylogger on the computer and spyware on the phone. A VAR and GPS in the car would also be a good idea especially since your DH knows that you are suspicious. Your DH is most likely getting smarter so that you don't catch him. You need to be smarter than him Carrie.

I know this sounds drastic but when your DH is putting another woman ahead of his own wife's feelings then something is up. You need to find out what exactly that is. Don't for one second be naive enough to believe that he will tell you the truth. I'm sorry I'm so cynical...I have seen this a thousand times. One of those times was my own FWH.

What do you know about this OW? Is she married? Does he work with OW?

Welcome to MB.

Carrie, you need to do the opposite of what the therapist says. [therapists have no idea how to save marriages from affairs, btw] Your husband is having an emotional affair and you should DEMAND that he end all contact with the OW immediately. If he won't end his affair, then separation is warranted. Going along with his affair is called ENABLING and will lead to the demise of your marriage. As you can see, it is driving you crazy and it will not get any better.

Is the OW married?

Here is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair says about this:




If he won't do that, I would ask him to move out.

I have tried for the last month to question him as little as possible and just be attentive and affectionate as possible. He has been very nice for the most part but is not changing his actions regarding the OW. He still talks to her just as much. That's why I feel if I do "plan a" then he will just continue to walk all over me. It seems like he has the best of both worlds, he can talk to her all he wants and I am treating like he is Mr. Wonderful. I do think I am enabling him. That's why I want to back off and let him know I can't except the way things are going.

The OW is not married but has a boyfriend, for what that's worth. My husband is fireman and the OW is a rookie at his firehouse. It seems that she idolizes my husband as well as the other senior fireman that works there. She is being transferred to another firehouse the beginning of June. The other senior fireman is getting transferred as well so he can be with her, if that gives you an idea how unhealthy the group of people he works with are.

He needs to find a new profession. There is no way to recover as long as he is a fireman with nights apart.

He is untrustworthy being in this position. He must find a job with no nights apart.

I agree you are enabling him, which is why I suggested you follow Plan A. What you are doing is Plan Doormat and what you are suggesting ["backing off"] is Plan C, which is the most likely to lead to divorce. Did you read my post?

Also find OW's boyfriend, parent, church, and social group information. You need to expose her wide and far. This may help to run her out of firehouses near your WH.

I would also inform the firehouse's other wives of the situation. They need to protect their marriages.

I would also go up the firehouse captain ... Any adultery on the tax payer dime is a very big "NO NO" ... make sure they are aware of lawsuits as well as public knowledge that this firehouse is a big frat house with a live in whore.

On Sunday night I did "demand" that he stop talking to her and he insisted that he wasn't doing anything wrong so he wasn't going to stop talking to her. I told him that I was going to take our 4yr old daughter and go to my parents. He of course said he would call the cops and say I kidnapped our daughter. So I moved into the other bedroom and haven't spoken to him since except to answer a question. When he was home he was following me around asking why I wasn't talking to him. Seems he can't understand why I'm being so chilly.

I would ask that he move out. If he won't end his affair, then there is nothing for you to do except separate and go into Plan B. And of course you can take your daughter to your parents. It is not kidnapping to take your own child to your parents, that is ludicrous.

If he won't move out willingly, you are going to have to consult an attorney and get him out legally.

I would also install some spyware on his phone that records his texts and gives his GPS location. Can you do that?

I am going to talk to my lawyer and see about going to my parents with our daughter. I am not sure how I would put spyware on his phone. We both always have our phones locked... And not sure what his password is.

Can you get his password? Grab his phone and say you want to look something up. Ask for his password.

What about his computer? Does he use a computer to communicate with the OW? Another thing you could do is put a VAR in his car. Where does he talk to her the most and how?

bump

Carrie, you need to merge these two threads so people can advise you without getting confused.

Click notify below and ask the mods.

yes, please have your threads joined. trying to skip back and forth between them is time consuming and you'll lose the help you're getting. i didn't even realise they were the same at first!




famous last words: "trust me" = DO NOT trust me!

are you ready to start a plan to kill this a and perhaps recover your M?