Hi everybody.

I'm therightthing's BS. It was suggested I start my own thread, so here I am. Except I'm not actually entirely sure what to write.

Two and a half weeks ago I confronted my husband about knowing he had a relationship going on behind my back. He confessed...sort of. Over the next few days he trickle-truthed me left right and centre, usually only admitting to something after I found it out and accused him. The confession was to a current EA, which he promptly cut off contact with (but not really - he sent a secret apologetic NC email after the fact from a secret email account that I then found), an EA at the beginning of our marriage with a supposed friend of mine (which I already knew about...maybe if we'd found MB back then we wouldn't be here now). Also multiple online long-distance EA's that included nude pictures from other women and lots of explicit sex talk.

We stumbled on MB and agreed to make the marriage work. I got all email and phone access. He's on medical leave from work so we are together all day every day. Things were going really amazingly well (I thought).

Then OW managed to get a text through to his phone (from a long-distance number that hadn't been blocked). He DID tell me, immediately, and didn't respond to it at all. But he acted very strange and disconnected, wouldn't reassure me whatsoever, and for the following two days everything felt bad again. Finally last night he confessed the supposed EA was actually a PA, and they'd had sex twice. He said it was destroying him with guilt, which I believe.

He spent this morning cold and distant and telling me there wasn't really any point in trying to make this up to me because there's no way I could ever forgive him or move past this. He blames my 'unforgiving, vengeful nature'.

Since then and you guys blasting him a bit on his thread, he's stepped up a bit and made some small attempts to connect and be pleasant. He says he's on board to read everything possible and make a plan and work to make this up to me. But he still seems very focussed on short-term results and moving 'past' this as quickly as possible. I fear as soon as we hit a bump or he decided *I* am not trying hard enough he'll say it's not worth it.

I feel horrendous and unloveable and above all else STUPID. I have always known he lies and hides things from me, but I never forced the issue because he is a 'keep lying until he's blue in the face, never back down, attack the person who dares question his lies' liar. It never seemed worth the drama. How. Stupid. Am. I. I feel like garbage, and most of the time I'm pretty positive he's going to throw away his chance to make this work. Like garbage.

But my children are beautiful and fun and it's a sunny day and I can still smile, so I guess it could be worse.

I feel sick thinking about going to get tested for STD's. And about him sleeping with me and soaking up all the SF he possibly could during this false recovery, while still hiding his PA. Knowing my #1 need is openness and honesty. That makes me feel almost more violated than the affair itself. He just never stops lying.

I want to beat him with a baseball bat every single time he says anything positive about his POSOW. And most especially when he said he doesn't want to name her when he exposes to his workplace, because doesn't want to 'risk her livelihood'. He risked our marriage, our family, his own livelihood, and my mental and emotional health. But god forbid she see any consequences of her own immoral behaviour.

Is that enough venting for a first ever post?
Sorry this is so long.
This is all so new and horrifying. I feel destroyed.

First and foremost .... WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Your feelings are entirely familiar to most of us. You are not stupid, you are normal.
The comment about your "unforgiving and vengeful nature" made me LOL.

Rubbish!
Wayturds are so predictable. Pointing fingers at you as a way of excusing himself from responsibility .... DUMB. None of that crap is going to fly around here.

Do you have any pressing questions?
I promise, you will not always feel like crud.

Does he understand that he has to name her? And he won't risk her livelihood. If her livelihood is at risk, it is because she is a workplace lot lizard. And what better way to learn to not be a skank at work than to lose your job? How else will she learn?

He needs to shut up about skanky if he wants this to work.


Just let him know that you will give him this chance if you see him working real hard. If he doesn't do the hard work, you are so much better off without him. It will take alot of hard work on his part to repair the damage he has caused. He is lucky to get another chance. Don't settle for less, my friend. Most people won't tolerate a serial cheater and he is unlikely to ever remarry any decent woman with his history. Only a skank or a dizbomb would marry a serial cheater.

He is absolutely looking for a quick easy way out and I suggest you be extremely guarded until you can get the truth through a poly and a full exposure, I would not believe a word until then. My BS meter is raging off the hook reading his posts, I do not believe for a second that he is committed to full recovery which includes full accountability on his part.

Thank you Pepperband. I desperately hope you're right and I won't always feel so horrible.

I really appreciate the support.

Thank you Melody. I think WH is really hating your posts, but I really appreciate you telling it like it is. And saying the things I wish I could say, but I have to coach them in more civil terms.

This hurts.
And I HATE this POS. I HATE her. My husband did the major wrong, but I despise HER with every fiber of my being and kind of hope she gets abducted by aliens. She knew he was married and had three little kids, and she pursued him anyway and told him he was the greatest person in the world. And he thinks she's so great?

How do you cope with the fact that he still has happy memories of a deceitful homewrecker?

I really fear he's looking for the easy out, too. I hope not. But I fear.

He doesn't like to be the bad guy. He would rather lie. When be has to admit to something, he wants/expects immediate absolution. The length of this recovery process will be very hard for him. If he really wants it. What if he doesn't?

I hate writing all these bad things about him, even though they're true. He has many good qualities and a lot of things going for him. And I have not been a good wife, and I know I've let him down in many ways and not net his needs.

4

HE should be the one who has fear, because he won't make it unless he does the hard work!

What does he plan on doing about the job situation? If I were you, AI, I would expose his affair to the Director of Human Resources. That will motivate your husband and that skankho to find other jobs.

I hate to say this, but such a trashy woman has probably been around the block and is likely to have diseases. "Rode hard and put up wet" is how we refer to her ilk around here. *puke* She can't get a man of her own so she has to troll for other women's men.

I so hope you don't have any diseases from that skank. ugh...

AL

So so sorry you are going through this, I read your WH posts and it made me want to scream at him and I don't even know him.

The fact that he glorifies his interactions with this skank and even dares lay any criticism at your feet makes me want to inflict some pain on him, he is seriously foggy.

I would advise you to expose them both to friends and family as well as at work. I wouldn't even consider any further reconciliation talk until your WH gives you the OW full name and details. No details no chance of recovery.

My WH did the EXACT same thing your WH has done (multiple EAs, 2 months A with horrid coworker, had sex twice with her , he trickle truthed me about the PA side of it, he broke NC to call ber and apologise for dumping her and the list of similarities go on and on). i exposed and put a nice big shiny spotlight on the Skank my WH had hooked up with, and guess what his perfect image of her soon got demolished, he no longer spewed any kind words towards her nor did he ever dare feel bad for her again because as soon as she was exposed she threw him under the bus to save herself. Your WH is seriously foggy, the quickest way to defog him is exposure.

It's maddening just remembering him say anything remotely nice about that woman, I really feel your pain.

PS, as it turns out my WH OW had an STD and had slept with 4 other Married men within the workplace and had a kid by one of them. All these facts came to light once I exposed. People I did t know who where her friends responded to my FB exposure giving me all sorts of details regarding her conduct with married men before her involvement with my WH. I showed the messages to my WH and he turned green because he finally saw her foe what she was and saw what he had gone near and just like that the skanky spell was broken.

I can't reccomend exposure enough at this point.

Am I reading correctly? AI, do you not know the OW's full name?

I know her full name, phone number and email address.

Oh you meant he didn't want to name her to the employers not that he didn't want to name her to you.

Sorry misread that.

Either way the employers have a right to know so they can protect other employees from this behaviour. If she WS brazen enough to make a move on your WH I guarantee he's not the first and won't be the last married man she will go for.

AI, welcome to MB.

Exposure is recommended as a way to ensure that you kill the A. Has your WH agreed to change his cell phone number, email addys, etc? Did he send OW a NCL after he sent the apology letter to OW? Was the NCL modeled after the one on this site?

You are pretty much a day out from your most recent DDay, so all of these feelings are completely normal. Hang tough.

Welcome again.

Follow the advice you're receiving and we will help you through this.
I know Mel has posted some of the templates but this is an excellent read because it has all the templates and what Dr. Harley believes about exposure.
Exposure 101

Another wayward feels the wrath of ML's posts! Of course he isn't going to like Mel's posts! There's no whitewash there - she's going to call him out every...single...time he blows wayward fog. It's always a pleasure to see. It straightens a committed wayward up pretty fast - the uncommitted, weak ones run.

X2

Well, he's just going to have to chill out and work through the process of recovering your marriage. It just isn't going to be that easy. He's going to have to do the work required of him.