On it, Markos. I'll post that and my EPs later today or tomorrow morning.

If you're serious, these guys will be your 'best friends' when you have recovered your marriage and life.

Friends don't shield you from the truth, they help you be successful.

I like that quote. A lot.
I'll start kicking the crap out of this and keep you guys updated.

Small victory: wife and I were speaking in the car, i put my hand on her knee, she put her hand on mine and squeezed. I almost cried. It felt good.

Please understand that yesterday, or today since it was midnight, is DDAY for your wife regarding this PA. Her emotions are going to be a crazy rollercoaster ride. Small victory, but expect there to be moments that are less happy. The week of my H's PA DDAY I told him I forgave him and was happy as a clam. Don't ask me why, relieved to know the truth I guess. I knew it wouldn't last and sure enough it didn't. It is easy to be gung ho during the small victory moments...but what kind of man will you be when your BW is at her worst of moments, that is the test for you.

Of course we didn't have a PLAN. You do, you have MB from DDAY. You are very lucky in that way, to have a solid plan of action and amazing vets to guide you. Stay the course.

TRT,

Reading your thread sent a chill down my spine, your story and how you feel and what you did is almost exactly the same as what my FWH went through,

He had multiple EAs throughout our marriage but not phisical until the OW work colleague,

It lasted 2 months
They consummated it twice
We had been married 8 years when this happened
We had small kids at the time
He broke NC with OW and theft bad for her
He was super concerned about loss of income
He got severely depressed and wanted to run
He felt cold and emotionless after D Day

The list goes on and on and on with regards to the similarities

He never posts to help others on here but I have alerted him to your thread and he will be here soon in response to you wanting advice from someone who has been through what you have been through.

We are recovered, he has changed and turned our marriage around, he feels again so there is hope especially if you listen to the vets and stop making excuses for why you aren't quitting your job or why you feel bad for a skank that voluntarily entered into a relationship with a married man.

My FWH is Learning2grow. So look out for him.

NB28, I look forward to hearing from your husband.

I will post my EPs and my plans in the very near future. Every minute of this (away from the couch cushions ) makes me realize how much g-d work I have to do.

This woman is worth it. I will make myself worthy.

therightthing, your post brought tear to my eyes. My WH started to post on here and said that he would "do whatever it takes". That said, he hasn't been here in a while...
I hope you continue to post and learn from the wonderful people here. You and almostinvictus are BOTH worth it!

I do hope that my post brought tears to your eyes for good reasons.

The bookstore trip was productive. We talked, she asked many uncomfortable questions, and I answered honestly and calmly.

I am resolved to go through with the polygraph for her peace of mind. I will start saving money towards it ASAP. I have already contacted a service that will conduct one. AI has already told me that her questions will be straight to the point and brutal, and has given me some examples.

I also purchased a gift card and will buy FiL, SiL and Surviving an Affair tonight.

We talked about the issue of STD/STI testing and the horrible feeling she has because she had to be tested as a result of something I did. I agree with her. It was horrible and disgusting of me to do this.

We also talked about "sex" for a moment. I don't know how to approach this subject at all. I feel like its completely out of the question and unable to happen again based on my infidelity. She is of the opinion that sex is a part of being in a relationship, and that it will happen again. I feel uncomfortable with this notion and told her that honestly. I'm still very attracted to her, but I do not believe I deserve to lay down with this woman ever again due to my irreparable actions.

Thoughts?

The sex will come and it will be hotter and better then any affair partner could give you.


Because it is based on love. It is the real deal.

I do not think either of you should push sex until you have both been tested for STD's. You are right, it was horrible for you to endanger the life of your wife and the mother of your children to sleep with some bimbo who clearly had no morals. If she slept with you, a married and unavailable man, who knows who else she has slept with and what you and your wife have been exposed to. It is in your wife's best interest right now to wait until you find out before you further physically endanger her.

Once you have taken the tests, and providing you are 'clean' and can resume, it is totally up to her if and when she is ready for that kind of intimacy again.

Cut the dramatic crap.

You must EARN that privilege, that joy, that role as husband-lover-hero-protector- friend.

I think what you've said makes sense, but that was offensive and unnecessary. I would like you to explain to me how this behaviour and conduct is conducive to BUILDING my marriage with my wife.

I am intent on saving my marriage. I have resolved to do everything I can. But I don't see anywhere in the teachings of Dr. Harley that gives you the authority to blatantly disrespect aNd crucify another person as you've done here.

To all of those who have posted productive comments, thank you. Your guidance is invaluable. I will put these things into motion 100% and now.

The Right Thing,

When my wife (NB28) read me your initial post it could have been written by myself 3 1/2 years ago; it literally is that similar.

However I am now recovering with my wonderful wife after overcoming many situations I didn�t feel or believe I too was capable of. Its hard work I wont lie but once you understand, change your mentality and commit to a few straight forward rules believe me you can still have the marriage you always wanted with your wife.

The most worrying parts of your post for me were the same traps I allowed myself to get caught in which slowed down my recovery and caused my wife so much pain.

I noted in your post that you talk about your wife�s �responsibility� towards you having an affair. I too initially resented my wife for what I felt I was lacking in my marriage. I was the king of justifications trust me. But I was totally wrong as are you; your wife did NOTHING to cause your affair, that disgusting decision was made by YOU and is yours to own alone. Free your wife from your judgements�.Take responsibility yourself to begin repairing this marriage.

I find it extremely concerning that you referred to your mutual feeling of love and adoration with your OW and the fact that you both cried when you ended the affair; we both know differently; I too used this justification to try and convince people here that my affair was in fact �special� compared other peoples and that I had something special�. I even went as far as to call it a relationship within a relationship!! STOP THIS NOW, you cant villify your wife and glorify you�re affair. Your wife put up with years of neglect from you, while you periodically emotionally withdrew from her when having your EA�s but she stuck by you and loved you regardless of your actions. The OW put out for a married man and knowingly entered into a relationship that destroyed a family unit; who here deserves glory and who deserves to be vilified?? Your view is very foggy. What you in fact had was a normal sordid textbook affair; you had zero personal boundaries, allowed inappropriate contact when the OW flirted with you, the OW knowingly got involved with a married man, you both knew the damage it would cause but didn�t care one bit because your emotional needs were being met. What you both did was a disrespectful and disgusting act towards your wife who did nothing but love you; giving you kids, a marriage and also despite your previous EA�s stayed with you. The OW is nothing less than a skank, the same as every other 3rd party that actively chooses to get involved with a married person fully knowing the damage it will cause. You should never EVER feel �bad� for her or allow any more friendly feelings towards such a person.

Stop justifying and allow yourself to see the truth; your wife the only true victim, the reason for the affair, your poor boundaries, the real OW, a homewrecking skank who got involved with a married man. Oh and finally just in case you still intend to justify it, you yourself posted that the OW doesn�t regret the affair for one second�.. TRAMP

Lets talk about being emotionless and depressed because that was my trump card here�.. To be honest I just wanted the affair to disappear so I could get on with my marriage and my wife wouldn�t suffer anymore. I didn�t want to do any hard work especially when I felt entitled as she had caused me to have the affair after all�.hadn�t she? I believe we have already dispelled this ridiculous justification so lets just get on, marriage builders is a plan; so requires nothing from you except total dedication and maximum effort, failure is not an option�..failure is divorce and a broken family. Once onboard with MB emotions and feelings will come. Once you become the husband your wife deserves by changing your attitudes, behaviours and protecting your marriage you will feel good about yourself.

TRT, there are many more issues here but lets start with these as you need to support and protect your wife right now, she is in more pain than you can possibly imagine whether she is actively showing it or not. Step up and be there for her before anything else�.. You can do it

Ok now I am convinced that you were previously posting under another name.

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure he wasn't. I asked him to post here and 'own his [censored]', so to speak. I kind of regret it, because he's clearly not taking the criticism well. But he's not a troll or anything.

Thank you L2G. I will reread this post.

Well, posting like this is going to get you a thread that has very little help from people who can actually help you. Pepperband is one of the BEST posters we have on this board, and I credit her with helping me become the person I am today.

You can't tell other posters how to post, and if you believe that anything is against TOS, notify the mods. That's their job afterall.

Your attitude towards a member on an anonymous forum suggests to me that you are quite foggy. You are on the defensive, when you should be contrite and humble. You have harmed your wife in the worst possible way. We are gonna call you on your bull, and that's because we are here to help your wife, and help you. Do you want that help? If not, I'd like to know now, so I can help someone whom really wants a fighting chance at saving their marriage. Believe me, it's about to get a lot bumpier on this ride. Are you willing to do anything and everything, for as long as your BW needs?

With all due respect, how would you know what is conducive to marriage building and what is not? Pepperband is in a recovered marriage; you are not. Overly dramatic "sacrificial" gestures, such as the above, are not only NOT conducive to marriage building, but they don't impress anyone. Giving up sex helps no one. Let's keep it real, please.

AI, stick to your own thread. It's distracting, and unhelpful to post to you on this thread.

Yes, I want help. I don't want to be made into a cuckold by someone who doesn't know me, when clearly my responsibility is solely to my wife. How is shaming me productive to the building of my marriage? It's incongruent, irrational, and morally bankrupt.

I came here for help. Not a lynching.