OK TRT,

Follow up on this one...... Let us know whats up!

RT, you have no idea how lucky you are to have Pepperband posting to you. No idea. Please let this woman talk to you and please permit her to do whatever it takes to straighten you out. When she is done you will feel like a grown up for the first time in your life.

It's conducive because you are being a dramaqueen (eww!) and that will interfere with you being able to recover your marriage, and Pepperband is calling you on it because she has been here for OVER A DECADE and knows what habits you need to eliminate in order to become a person who can rebuild your marriage.

You have no idea how many wayward husbands (and crappy husbands) that Pepperband has helped to GROW UP and RECOVER THEIR MARRIAGE. I'm one of those crappy husbands!

When you hear something that bothers you, the problem is (usually) not that the person talking to you is being disrespectful. The problem is USUALLY that you have a character issue that is unpleasant for you to face. That is the case here.

I will grant you that some people sometimes get disrespectful. But Pepperband didn't come on here and tell you you were worthless or something like that. She simply told you to KNOCK IT OFF. And she did that because you need to knock it off if you want to recover your marriage.

Because it is all about what you DO not about what you SAY. Many unfaithful husbands and wives show up here thinking what they need to do is whine appropriately about how they were not worthy. They don't. They need to SHUT UP about it. Eventually one of the steps Dr. Harley's plan will have you take is to never bring up the affair again, after all the facts are out in the open. That's going to make it very difficult to sit around whining about how you aren't worthy and deserve to be kicked to the curb.

Listen to Pepperband, okay? She's on the side of your marriage.

I'm here looking for it.

It's not what you say, it's what you do.

Do what people said to do, then.


She's going to be like that for awhile, a lot of times.

Quit looking for a short term fix to her emotions. She will be up and down. What matters is, are you following the plan?

I deserved everyone's wrath!



I joyfully followed your instructions..... She loved the kiss and says hello...

Something tells me you didn't kiss her the way Pepperband would have!

Just a note here:

I'm still experiencing some reluctance, but I've written my exposure letter and will reword it with AI until she feels it's right. I've changed my cell phone number and given it to a select group of people who know my wife and she knows in turn. I am going over (and adding to) my EPs as we speak.

I have contacted the few people I have supporting me and thanked them for their support, but aske them to support my marriage and my choices to **EDIT** through with the extreme/extraordinary measures I am willing to take with this program.

AI and I have had several arguments, but I am doing things like holding her hand, touching her knee, offering support when she's sad, and trying to take the kids off her plate as much as possible.

I feel I am starting to make efforts that will work. I am aware of her anger, resentment, and hostility towards me, and I completely agree that he is entitled to it. I will support her in any decision she makes, and will prove to her through my actions that I am here 100%.

My list of EPs will follow soon. With three kids, I can only work so fast.

Please edit out her real name!

When you have 30 minutes ....

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Please post it here for some feedback!

You'll discover in time, as people become willing to tell you, almost everyone already knows about your adultery.

When you work the "measures" for years your marriage is the thing that becomes "extraordinary" other than that...there is nothing "EXTREME" about the measures at all. The "measures" are just the simple (and not so simple) things that Dr. Harley has observed individuals in awesome marriages doing by nature for years and they are reciprocal (your wife will need to implement them too).

Behavioral theory: If you behave like you an awesome couple...the behavior eventually becomes a habit and you'll eventually become an awesome couple.

The point is....MB is not a punishment. It's a process of implementing tools that you BOTH should have been implementing since day one TO YOUR MUTUAL BENEFIT and ENJOYMENT.

Mr. Wondering

There is nothing "extreme" about Harley's EP recommendations, the vast majority are just simple common courtesies that most successfully married couples already implement as a manner of respect.

They seem "extreme" to wayward spouses because wayward spouses do not understand/believe/care about how these boundaries protect marriages.

This is why you should not consider a "6 month" trial period - you need to work on undoing a decade's worth of poorly ingrained boundaries. You need more time.

I don't even remember that personal info being there. Sorry.

I've researched several books on topics that will help me be a better man, but am finding it impossible to track down anything on being a liar or a womanizer/objectifying women.

Any suggestions for literature on these topics?

You haven't exhausted the literature here, yet. Marriage Builders will handle all of this.

Have you read the articles I gave you links to yesterday and watched the video Pepperband and I posted?

Just tell the truth!

Love Busters contains a section on dishonesty.

If you knew your wife was going to leave you the minute she discovered another lie, no matter how small, I'll bet you would become honest in a hurry.

If you knew someone was going to SHOOT you the next time you lie, I'll bet that would motivate you even more.

The problem is not that you can't control the lying. The problem is that you haven't been sufficiently motivated.

LoveBusters

His Needs, Her Needs

Both by Dr. Harley.....

Sorry. I'll post my EPs in a bit, but I wanted to share something.

I just read a reprint of Chapter 13 from His Needs, Her Needs online. I'm reading, reading, reading, BAM! EPIPHANY TIME!!

Cut the melodrama, Drama Queen! It's time to fulfill AI's Emotional Needs until I turn blue in the G.D. face! All of this coupled with my exposure letter and EPs (and a lot of hard work), and I'll be on Harley's narrow path to AWESOMETOWN!

Sorry. I got a little excited when it finally clicked.

Time to get to work!

trt, YOU don't write the letter. SHE does. YOU approve it and mail it.

If your wife's nickname is Al, stop using it. Don't put personally identifying things on the internet.

This is very good, but don't lose sight of the fact that your WW needs to EARN her way back to your marriage. She has to be on board with recovery and willing to do what it takes to recover from her terrible decisions.