I am sticking to the IM. I looked up some things on Parallel Parenting. ITs hard to let go, I guess. But I do agree I owe it to my BH to follow his need for space and IM. Not sure how far along he is in Plan D or if he's there. I am sure he is.

I wanted to see if anyone had any good links for serial cheaters? Maybe recovery stories or any good posts. I read what was posted earlier by BrainHurts I think on Recovery for Wayward Wives. That might have helped my last affair, had it been my only one.

Throughout this marriage you have done a lot of things for yourself at the expense of AJJ.

I think he deserves whatever he decides at your expense. You've taken a lot from him..time to give back now.

Again Are you a Space-A flight attendant?

Also here is a thread from a serial cheater and his wife's thread.
Can'tGetItRight's Thread (WH)

BrokenVase's Thread (BW)

No, space-a flights don't have flight attendants. the flight attendants on rotators are commercial.

Like my husband said, I am in the military.

What fall out, if any, did you feel from his awesome exposure?

Then why wasn't your adultery prosecuted under UMCJ? If you want to save your marriage there is really only one way.

Your Thread title asks ... "What Now?" My answer: Become a decent human being. That should be your one and only focus.

1) Remove every single point of adultery in your life. This for you means

a) No opposite sex friendships EVER
b) No social media
c) Never be around military
d) No alcohol
e) 100% transparency with your spouse
f) No nights apart EVER
g) Remove every and any person who is morally bankrupt, i.e toxic friends. Chose girlfriends that ALWAYS expect you to be honest, righteous, and morally sound.

Next ... stay away from military. They are a vulnerable crew already. You need to get a non-travel job that allows you to be home each night. Get out ASAP ... there is no room for you in the military.

I suggest you gain three women in your life immediately. They will be your accountability partners. If you want to save your marriage, then I suggest at least one comes from Jake's family. These ladies should be morally sound, pro-marriage, and will make sure you stick to the tools and the path you have been given.

Finally ... Become the best darn mom on the planet. Make your boy the very top priority.

This is all for you. Your BH has now cut off all contact. Any chance for you to save your marriage means you must do this standing by yourself. I suggest you surround yourself with only pro-marriage friends and family moving forward. Stick to your thread, and let us walk with you through this journey.

This will be the hardest thing you do in your life. Changing ones character is methodical, and needs time.

That is your only hope ... if you want a relationship with any man (or any chance to save this marriage) ... this is your only path. There are no other options for you.

Nice post PI!!!

I don�t agree with the NC with military recommendation. That�s unrealistic and doesn�t fix the fundamental issue, which is that poor boundaries. You can have poor boundaries in an office, a hospital, or any specific place of work. Boundaries holdup no matter where you are.

Military servicemen are more vulnerable to adultery by the nature of their work, this is why Dr. Harley took a special interest in the military.

How is it unrealistic? She needs to leave them military ASAP and never look back. Find a job that gives her support for her iron clad boundaries. The military is no place for a serial cheater.

A military environment for her is especially dangerous. She must avoid all situations that put her near men who have gone on extensive travel away from their wives and families.

Just like she should avoid all bars, clubs, or any other location that put her around men with low boundaries.

ETA: The military environment was a condition that was part of her adultery. She needs to remove this as part of her extraordinary precautions.

Dr Harley recommended to me that my STBX (serial cheater) would most likely have to change his job (medical profession) in order for us to R. He cited the long hours, men and women working closely together and the nature of the work = too much opportunity for an affair.

Not a good idea for someone who has proven over and over that they have poor boundaries...

I was given a no contact order for OM. BH didn't press charges or show any evidence. That might be in the works, I don't know. But he hasn't.

I am open to getting out of the military and my BH and I discussed it. About leaving ASAP, not possible. I have two and a half years left. And if you know anything about the military then you know that ASAP is anything but the way things operate. Ever heard of the phrase, "Hurry up and wait?" Anyways, I have already discussed with my management about getting into non-flying positions, which would be temporary, two or three months. I had discussed with my BH about getting into a teaching position, too, which would mean no flying at all.

I looked at the stuff you told me about on parallel parenting. I read a really good article someone posted about it. Just wondering on your story, if you're willing to share it, of course:

Do you and your WH still use an IM? If not, how long were they used for? (I understand that each BS and each situation is different) How did your children react?

I'm asking because my son has been blindsided by this. He is still little, almost four. But we have been pretty good about not fighting in front of him and being civil, obviously much much harder for my BH than for me. We have even been affectionate (hugging, kissing) in front of him up until my BH left. Now he doesn;t know what the heck is going on since he has been used to mommy and daddy being together his whole life. I talked to him and I told him that mommy had a house now and daddy had a house. My BH picked him up from daycare today (first time he has spent time with him since he left last thursday) and dropped him off at around 2000. Our son was devastated. It took him about an hour and a half to stop crying. I wasn't really sure what to do or say except just hold him and hug him and try to take his mind away from it, like making silly faces and stuff. My BH is going to take him this weekend, picking him up on Friday so I kept telling him that. "You're going to Daddy's house in two days!" It's just hard because he is too little to talk to besides telling him the two house thing.

Any other suggestions for kids this little?

What do you suggest is a job that can help with iron clad boundaries?

I had a career that was pretty much on par with the military in terms of loose boundaries (law enforcement).

One of the options that carried over was working in administration within the city (almost entirely female). Since you have a young child, you could also be qualified to work in childcare with a bit of upgrading (either your own daycare or, for a bit more sanity/adult contact, a larger daycare centre which is almost always entirely female).

Two questions:

1. No social media. This was discussed with Steve on one of our sessions. The topic was actually about us joining our FBs. Steve said he didn't recommend this because he though having my own account would give me a chance to use my WPP. My BH and I went through all of my friends and we both decided together those that I should keep and those that I had to get rid of. I haven't added any of those friends to the list and I don't plan to. What do you think?

2. The three friends, can you elaborate on this? You said they should be able to hold me accountable. These people would be who I would be discussing my WPP to since my BH wants no contact? I like the idea but not sure exactly what you're getting at.

I agree with your post and the limitations that have to be set forth in my life.

My main concern is the military/flying thing. I wrote it down for me to discuss with Steve on Tuesday. I recently talked to my management about this. Basically, flyers, like me, in the military are considered a huge commodity (specialized training, equipment, etc.) so we are stovepiped as soon as we get our wings. I discussed many possibilities: non-flying positions, training into another career field, going to a schoolhouse. The only thing they would allow right now would be a temporary non-flying position. I discussed different venues with them. The problem is both my BH and I are locked into our contract overseas, too. Just before he left, my BH was thinking about putting in paperwork for early separation. I talked this over too with my management but I was told that I was in a critically manned career field and there would be no chance of me being let go early, with the exception of a medical condition which would prevent me from flying permanently. I am still going to try to put in the paperwork and all they can tell me is no, right?

But then I get told yes. That is so scary, too. Having to go back to the states with no job, no home, no benefits. What if my BH decides to move somewhere else? Then our son would hardly see him. I mean, either way this is bound to happen if we do D.

I am currently working on my BA. My goal was to become a teacher after getting out of the military. I was thinking I could do that, too. It's just the getting out part. Everyone on here says ASAP. I've never seen anything in the military happen ASAP even when people commit crimes they get confined for. I'll keep asking the questions, though.

If you walked into that office, gave them an honest account of your behavior, you would have the option of getting out ASAP.

Your marriage can survive a dishonorable discharge ... IT WILL NEVER SURVIVE your current position. Returning each day to that toxic environment destroys your BH one shrapnel at a time ...

My suggestion ... GET HONEST ... GET OUT ... GET ON WITH LIFE.