Love Busters

The love you and your spouse have for each other is directly affected by almost all of your behavior. This is a point that I will repeat in most of my remaining concepts and Q&A columns. Until now, I have focused attention on behavior that will meet each other's most important emotional needs. When you behave that way, you are caring for each other. But the resulting Love Bank deposits will not do your marriage much good if other behavior leads to Love Bank withdrawals. So to help you gain control over your behavior so that you can learn to avoid making Love Bank withdrawals, I will introduce you to my next basic concept, Love Busters.

Why would any of us hurt the one we promised to love and cherish?

Lack of empathy is at the core of the problem. I was struck with what we are all up against while watching a Star Trek episode. Spock had volunteered to be possessed by an alien presence so that it could communicate with Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.

As soon as it entered Spock's body, its first reaction was, "Oh, how lonely you must all feel."

You see, in the alien world, they were all connected to each other through telepathy so that each one could feel what everyone else felt. They were all emotionally bonded to each other. But as soon as the alien possessed Spock's body, it realized that we humans are all cut off from each other emotionally. And it viewed our state as incredibly isolated and lonely.

One of the most important consequences of our emotional isolation is that we cannot feel the way we affect others. And that creates the temptation to hurt others because in doing so we don't feel the pain we cause. If we were connected emotionally to others as the aliens were, we would be far less tempted to do anything thoughtless, gaining at someone else's expense. That's because in so doing, we would be hurting ourselves as well.

And that's what I always seem to be battling when I try to encourage one spouse to avoid doing anything that would hurt the other spouse. I cannot seem to trigger empathy. Each spouse complains about how thoughtless the other spouse is, without much awareness of his or her own thoughtlessness.

Lack of empathy helps makes thoughtlessness possible. Since we don't feel what other's feel, we tend to minimize the negative effects we have on others, and consider our thoughtlessness to be benign. An angry outburst is regarded by some as a creative expression. Disrespect is viewed as helping the other spouse gain proper perspective. And a demand is nothing more than encouraging a spouse to do what he or she should have done all along. None of these is seen as one spouse gaining at the other's expense, because the spouse who is inflicting the pain does not feel the pain. But whenever one spouse is the cause of the other's unhappiness, one thing's for sure -- Love Bank withdrawals are taking place.

I call all the ways that spouses are inconsiderate of each other's feelings Love Busters because that what they do -- they destroy the love that a husband and wife have for each other.

I've found that the most common Love Busters in marriage fall into six categories: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Annoying Habits, Independent Behavior and Dishonesty

The first three of these Love Busters are instinctive, yet thoughtless, ways to try to get what you want from each other. When a request doesn't work, a spouse will often revert to a demand ("I don't care how you feel -- do it or else!"). If that doesn't get the job done, a spouse will try disrespectful judgments ("If you had any sense, and were not so lazy and selfish, you would do it"). And then, when all of that fails, an angry outburst often represents the last ditch effort ("I'll see to it that you regret not having done it").

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters, you do them out of care and consideration. If your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. Instead of giving your spouse what he or she needs, demands, disrespect and anger cause you to resist. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

But when you indulge in these three Love Busters, you do more than fail to get what you need -- you also destroy the love your spouse has for you. All of these instincts, and the habits they help create, cause your spouse to be unhappy, and that causes Love Bank withdrawals.

The fourth Love Buster, Annoying Habits, is behavior that is repeated without much thought that bothers your spouse. Marriage is a partnership of incredibly close quarters, where just about anything you or your spouse does is almost sure to affect the other. If you want to stay in love with each other, your habits, even the innocent ones, should make Love Bank deposits, not withdrawals.

The fifth Love Buster is Independent Behavior, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. If your decisions are made as if your spouse doesn't even exist, you will find yourself running roughshod over your spouse's feelings and your Love Bank account. Since it's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, the simplest way to overcome it is to take it off your schedule. And if you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, Independent Behavior will never find itself on your schedule in the first place.

Finally, the sixth Love Buster, Dishonesty, causes massive Love Bank withdrawals whenever it's discovered. And spouses usually discover each other's dishonesty because of their emotional closeness to each other. If you or your spouse have a tendency to lie or distort the truth, chase that bad habit out of your marriage before it ruins everything.

If you would like to identify Love Busters that are responsible for Love Bank withdrawals in your relationship, first read a summary of each by clicking their names listed below, and then click this name, the Love Busters Questionnaire , and print two copies of the form, one for you and one for your spouse. After you have completed this form, the priorities you give each Love Buster will show you where to begin in sweeping these rascals out of your lives.


Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty
If you have a few extra minutes, The Parable of the Net will help show you how Love Busters destroy marriage.

The sixth Love Buster, Dishonesty, is so important to overcome in marriage that I have given it a basic concept of it's own. After you have had a chance to read it, I think you will agree with me that it deserve special attention.

Do NOT underestimate your own cruelty.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

I've seen your flight attendant's picture and you're the cat's meow.

Not anymore.
Thanks for the kiss.

I'm only 37...

Lack of empathy. Ok. I've got work to do. *goes to dictionary*
*tapes to mirror* Read. Repeat. Read. Repeat.

I'm still on board.

Ok let us know how it goes tonight.

Shhhhhush ..... this is a secret. Tell so one.
Men are simple creatures.
Men thrive on admiration and attention.
It's pretty easy to get a man to become adoring.
Flatter him. Multiple times daily. Flatter/compliment/pay attention to the simplest things he does right.
I promise you, his behavior towards you will alter dramatically once he starts to trust your changes.

Earlier in our marriage of 31 years (jeeze) I was sort of a shrew. I would criticize more often than I would praise. Mr Pep made the conclusion that no matter what he did, it was not enough, I was not going to like what he did .... So what happened when a OW paid him compliments? You know damn well what happened. OW made love bank deposits in the areas where I was careless ... And he fell in love with her.

Think of your H as a walking-talking love bank. Challenge yourself to fill that bank to overflowing as soon as possible. Stop making love withdrawals. Your adultery/lies/deceit have left your BH's bank almost bone dry. Make this fun for yourself. Try to discover new ways to please him, to surprise him. So what if he does not reciprocate at first (he won't) .... Eventually the love deposits will turn him into an adoring husband.

After 31 years, I finally have Mr Pep exactly where I want him. He is devoted to me in ways that are almost magical. Why? Because I adore him. I stopped being overly critical of every little annoyance. When I do have an important issue regarding his behavior that I need to discuss, I do it thoughtfully and NEVER in anger.

Every day, Mr Pep brings me fresh coffee. Why? Because I tell him how delicious his coffee is ( no lie ) and I do not take this gesture of his for granted.

If your angry BH does not bring you coffee, LOOK FOR the things he does and make a BIG DEAL out of them. Even if it is going to work. Tell him how much his working hard means to you.

Remember, this begins with you shoving your needs aside for awhile.
Do not forget, men are simple creatures and they WANT to know when they do things to please us.

Make that walking-man- lovebank husband of yours so happy he will do anything to make you happy .... The way my husband treats me.

Remember, I AM over 60 years old, and he STILL finds me attractive because of my ATTITUDE towards him.

Get busy planting the seeds of admiration and be sure to water them daily .... They will grow to bear fruit you just can't imagine in your current mess of a marriage.

Take care.

PS:

I forgot to add this.
Praise your H to everyone.
NEVER make disparaging remarks about your H to others.

"You'll never guess what Joe did. He was reading to one of the kids and it was so endearing. I just love it when Joe is being a great Dad. It makes me so happy and proud."

When you compliment your H to others, he will hear about it. So do this wisely.

"My husband looks so sexy in his new jeans. He knocks my socks off."

You get the idea, right?

For others reading along:
If you are married to an abusive beast, get the hell out. This sort of advice is for the sort of husband who shows promise.

Thank you Mrs. Pep.

Yesterday, I did call BS before I left work and once I got home. I thought this would help him feel comfortable about my whereabouts once I left work (since my encounters with OM occurred during this time period). He did not acknowledge it. Maybe in time it will help him though. I'm going to continue doing that.

Last night, we focused on our 10 y.o. son and let him choose a restaurant to eat dinner at. He desperately needed our attention without his little brother around. During dinner, he ran off a couple of times to check things out in the restaurant. BS and I had conversation. At times, it was quiet and a bit uncomfortable. We made it through. We were not negative to eachother.

Once home we dealt with some kid issues and put them to bed a little early.

I laid there and relaxed, had some tears thinking about the next task at hand, but I did not let him know. I just kept rubbing his back. I continued to break through my own barriers and gave him what he was telling me he needed (his EN#2, sf).

I will take responsibility for my own actions to say that I did have to keep positive self-talk in my own brain going during this time and afterwards, I probably ditched the bed a little too quickly. I was going to cry, though, and I didn't want him to see that. I took about 10 minutes to get myself together, went back, and kissed him goodnight.

I also had a friend of mine (female) read this site. She has asked how she can help me and mostly, it's just been listening. She's been objective and she's the only one that did not ditch me during all of this. She was honest with me this morning and I realized I have also hurt one of the most amazing friends I've ever had in my life. Again, I reminded myself about empathy.

I apologized to her and I am going to implement some things into her friend bank account as well.

After the past 48 hours, though, I do feel I may need to go back on an AD. I fought so hard to get off them, but I am seeing some mood swings exhibiting from all of the trauma and I need to take action against those.

How am I doing? Did I fail in any part last night?

As an enhancement to Pep's recent post, I would add:










No, I guess she about covered it all. (I'd urge you to keep the "simple creatures" concept well hidden however.)

I feel I have been working on the compliments to others already. And if not a compliment, at least watching my words so as not to deflect my own.

Thank you for stressing that to me.

Progress, not perfection.
Failure is when you fail to try.

Be encouraged by your tears.
Think of tears as droplets of your humanity.
Only people with a a beautiful soul quietly cry when they feel emotionally vulnerable.

I strongly sense that vulnerability is an issue with you.
Something to discuss, LATER.

Be well.

LOL .... A MAN read my secret!



That's why I said its a S.E.C.R.E.T.

Shhhhhhushhhhhhhhhh

Lest anyone misunderstand this ....

.

Men are simple in the sense that men are not complicated creatures, like we women.
My comment should not be taken as meaning men are simple minded, or less clever, or less deserving.
Men are, for the most part, easier to please than most women.

Men are like an abacus. Slide the beads along the rod, and soon you'll have results. Simple. Straightforward.

Women are like a rubik's cube. Tricky. Things must be in just the right order and performed in the correct sequence. Complicated.

Abacus? Rubik's cube? Sounds like engineer-speak to me, Ms. Band.

I would have expected a life-science professional such as yourself to utilize an explanation such as:



(Apologies for the embedded advertisement. I could not locate a copy without it.)

PEP,

You are on fire lately! You just reminded me to text my H and thank him for helping me out today. I also threw in a sexy little additional statement.

C8,

I know it is hard right now especially since there is so much resentment on both sides of the fence. Pep is right though, a little goes a long way and can really start to change the way you feel about your spouse.

I read your entire thread last night from beginning to end and I do see hope for both you and your H. No matter what, do what you need to do to help yourself. I promise you that making your spouse feel safe through your actions will calm him down and hopefully he will start showing you respect and getting rid of his AO.

Someone on here said you have to fake it to make it and you responded that you could not do that. I felt the same way at first because I carried a lot of sexual resentment towards my H way before my A.

Right after my A my H wanted sex and affection more than anything, he said it was is security blanket and the only way that he could deal with the A at the time. Then he just stopped having sex with me and turned cold.

It was this action along with my actions that made me really look at our SR and how important sex was to him and how even before the A he felt rejected every time I said no. Add an A to that mix and his insecurity doubled.

So I decided that no matter what I would enthusiastically make love to my H whenever he wanted it. Not only is our sex life better now than it ever has been, it truly has brought us closer.

Believe me C8 sometimes I do feel that overwhelming sensation of my needs and my wants and I want so bad to point out my H's faults and scream at him that LB's are bad but MB is good. I want to point my finger at him and shift blame.

But right now, it all boils down to that fact that no matter what your H's faults were, you were the one who chose to be weak. It sucks, I know but it is something that you can never take back. What you can do however is take back your life and make it better through your actions.

One last thought, it does really bother me that your H is intentionally trying to make you jealous and speaking of having RA's. This is not right, this is not healthy, this will not take his pain away. If there is any way you can discuss this with him and get him on this board to talk about it, you need to.

Progress not perfection. Love that. Thank you for sharing!

I often wonder how I allowed sexual resentment to enter my life. I had one relationship before I met my now husband and that guy cheated on me left and right. He also could not have sex with me unless an adult video was playing in the background. He was also an alcoholic. And the only reason that mattered is because it's why I ultimately ended our relationship. Instead, it should have ended the first time I found out he was cheating. But I thought we were madly in love and he would come around and be faithful again I suppose.

My H was different, but expressed interest in many things throughout our marriage. Webcam sex, chat rooms, adult videos, Big O events, etc. So, instead of feeling admired and loved, I felt I was being compared to model perfect porn stars. All the flowery words from him no matter how sincere they sounded wouldn't change that for me. I guess I participated because I thought "this will please him". And it left me feeling unloved, cold, bitter, and resentful. I grew to hate having sex.

But just like you said, because I could show that affection to someone else and had a PA with someone else, it's almost like that is my BS's security blanket now. At first I felt like he was just trying to mark his territory. Reading your post, I don't feel so alone in my WW foggy thinking now. I'm coming to understand it. Wrong as it is/was. Understanding goes a long way, though.

Daily the fog continues to lift. I try instead of fail to try.

I do still question why I felt so incredibly empty for 3 years prior to my A. Am trying not to focus on that as much though and just hope that through the rebuilding process and restoration that goes away.

I still feel absolutely alone. Like I now have a black mark on my forehead for all to see. I try to tell myself that I am still a valuable human being on this ball of mud we call earth, but today is just one of those days that the sadness has hit over the mess I've made. Remembering all the helpful advice I've received thus far on MB. I'm so thankful to all of you that have taken the time to help me out. You've dedicated your valuable time to come here and try to help. I'll always be grateful.

Time to go send my BS a nice text.