You have five kids......your WH can't afford to work AND send them all to child care.

Your care for the children is of great value to all (the kids, your WH, society).

Okay?

Plan A: you can apologize for contributing for the environment in which your husband feels compelled to cheat. Do not apologize for his infidelity-- he OWNS that forever. Do not apologize for exposure.
Plan A: Set up for plan B. Set up for contrast when you invite him to leave.
Exposure: not just telling people but asking for their help in appealing to him and his reasoning. Let them know you need them to convince him to stop cheating and commit to the marriage or else you will be divorcing him.
It's helpful to know others have gone through this fire and come out the other side, better people for it. MB is a great support network if nothing else.
God is hurting, too. He's sad for you and your children.
Your husband is burying his guilt and praying you won't put 1 and 1 together. He doesn't want to throw it all away, probably doesn't understand just how harmful and hurtful his actions are. He is probably in the fog and will be hard to reach; plan B may be essential.
Forgiveness is not necessarily part of the equation: him earning back trust by practicing Extraordinary Precautions and committing to the marriage is.
Read up on Plan A, Plan B, exposure threads, and the snooping board. Get some exercise and eat right when you can but expect to lose some weight. REad "surviving an affair" book
You're in for a long haul. But divorce takes a long time too, so just sit back and pull in some patience. You are going to be okay.

opt

Oh you wouldn't leave!

You'd kick him out, change the locks and get legal advice to ensure support.

Line that up now in case you need to go to Plan B.

Agree. Here you go.
Parallel Parenting
How to Plan B properly
Plan B sample letters
IM Training School

He owes you support, legally and morally.

Your hard work has made, and continues to make it possible for him to do what he does. (I'm talking career, not his extracurricular hobby.) Don't sell yourself short - you're not just important, you're vital!

Side note, 18: have you asked your sister to come here? We may be able to help her.

Oh my dear 18 years. This is SO NOT TRUE! You are not JUST a SAHM. Don't sell yourself short like that! I am sure all courts are different but I have not heard a single state that would give custody to an adulterous husband because the wife was JUST a SAHM and therefore not worthy. You are VERY worthy! You have been the one to care for these children since birth, hands on caring for them, have you not??? While your WH was out getting lipstick on his underwear, you were at home breastfeeding a baby! (As was I, mine was about 4 months old at the time...)

At the very least I think you should contact an attorney. I know you don't want a divorce and we don't want to see your marriage and family end up that way. But I also do not want you to be afraid that he will take your kids and leave you in the dirt, and therefore be afraid to do what it takes to demand more for yourself and your marriage. Know your rights, get the facts, which will be very different than the ones in your head right now. Don't let your fear, which is unfounded, be the reason you allow him to continue his behavior.

Wise words. ITA. 18, your contribution to your marriage has been huge. Don't compare it to a weekly paycheck. It's worth even more than that.

CT

He won't even admit to it. This is the hardest thing. He just insists that it isn't lipstick.

I agree. I don't have money to see an attorney. I think they're like 150 an hour or something. Someone from another site gave me a number but the attorney is far away in another town. I need someone by me.
Also, I guess I'm worried because my SIL went through a divorce and her husband was supposed to give her 250 a week for her daughter but is getting away with paying nothing and the state of CT is not even going after him. He was also ordered to pay 1.00 of alimony after 15 years. Thats a kick in the teeth. My SIL is living in a horrible part of her town with drug dealers living next to her in the apartment. There are prostitutes walking the streets in front of her house and someone attempted to abduct her daughter. I see her actually lose money from welfare for food. I think she now gets 90 a month. She works but doesn't get paid much. Her hours fluctuate. I just see her life as a nightmare and mine too.

I did send the underwear to forensics. I cut out one part and sent it with the chain of custody form to a lab in New Jersey. We shall see if they are able to identify the "pinkish discoloration" of husbands underwear.
I saved part of the underwear in case these got lost in the mail or something.
He paid for it like he said but as soon as I got back in the car from mailing them, he was on about how I need to trust someone someday. Ha, I'm thinking "it probably won't be you." Its not funny, but I couldn't help that thought.

I took some time with the undies today. I looked them over and noticed the stain goes all the way through in some spots. I did a test pair of underwear, in which I got lipgloss, foundation, and blush over them and washed them once and hardly anything was left, + it didn't go all the way through.

I'm really praying this isn't lipstick and its just a stupid accident, either the red chalk, or fire caulk from work that got on his hands.

If it were fire caulk that got on his hands, there would probably be more of it than just the bit that was on it in the picture.

His remark about trust is just ridiculous.

Here's what it means:

"I wish you'd stop being so suspicious. It makes me uncomfortable! I can't do what I want if you're suspicious!"

His behavior as a whole is .

No matter what the tests reveal or don't, serious snooping is in order till you find out what's going on.

If the test comes back inconclusive, relax around WH and act like you've forgotten about it. Once he lets his guard down, it will be much easier to find out what's up.

ITA with Neak.

As someone said once before, he seems like an incompetent secret-keeper. He will likely try to be MORE secret which can really only fail for him...

I've been thinking and came to these possible conclusions:
1. he wants to be caught
2. he wants to hurt me by showing me the underwear and then saying its not lipstick. Like he's trying to make me insane. He's just really cruel.
3. he's innocent and overly honest about the stain on his underwear which makes him crazy.

I'm sad. I have my teary moments, times when I don't want to eat, ups downs, you name it, but I'm taking care of my kids, the house, myself so in that aspect, I'm doing well.

If he were innocent he probably wouldn't be making remarks about your trusting him...

He may want to be caught.

What he's doing by showing you the underwear and saying it's NOT lipstick, is gaslighting. Trying to make you feel insane for suspecting him, so you focus on you, not him.

Tonight, I steal the phone.

Make sure you have your phone, or something picture-capable, to take pictures of what you'll be finding, should you find anything on his phone.

If you find nothing, go to the "Operation Investigate" to figure out how to probe the phone for more info--assuming, of course, he has deleted incriminating objects.