So my WW is on vacation with POSOM and couple of their friends. Yesterday early morning I sent an email to the POSOM. The goal of my email was to attack his insecurities, lack of character and male features and raise doubts about my WW and her character. They are talking marriage after sivorce! The POSOM will have ED for a while after my email. My WW will have to do a lot of explaining to the POSOM. It will ruin their vacation. The email hit the target! The police called me again and told me to stop sending emails. They called once before after the exposure.

I talked to the same policeman who was very patient with me this time and before after my exposure. I asked him why is that law protects cheating and prevents truth to be told. Why is it that there is protection for WSs who are the worst people in the whole world and there is no protection for me (BH) and OM BW. OM young children are in therapy as well as my step daughter and my son. Collateral damage is huge! The policemen was quiet on the other side. He wished me luck in future selection of my wife!

My lawyer was not happy with my email either because it may hurt my case. In my no fault state adultery plays a role in the community property division. I will take that money from my WW and keep it for our children. Otherrwise she will spend it all on exoctic travells. We always called them "our children" although it is a blended family. It always felt that way. Out kids talk to each other all the time even more than before. That is nice.

Anyway, after their vacation all they will remember is the trouble I caused them which was precisely my goal (following Art of War).

My WW is mad but I also know that deep down she is respecting my bold move against the POSOM. She tells our friend that she is still "very attracted" to me but cannot forgive certain things I did. I told our frind about those things and ahe thinks itnismjust a bqd excuse. In the past and during our separation I always scored points wham I stood my ground and when I did what a man is supposed to do (protect family,children even WW against unholy people and unholy actions). I cannot be passive. I alo chose the weapon.

Wow she is one bad foggy, serial adulteress.

Have you read the serial cheaters thread on SAA? Promises83? Promise83's Thread What now

Good job on exposure. Good comment to the cops. It is so sad that it seems like the wayward aliens get away with it. Do you believe in karma? I've seen it on these boards many of times.

Are you in Plan B? I would STRONGLY recommend it.
Why would your email hurt you if adultery plays a part in the division of community property?

BH thanks for your comment!

I do believe in karma. We will see what happens in my case. I am staying her to learn as much as I can.

Yes my WW is in a deep fog. She is neglecting her children although she was a good mom, wtepmom qnd wife beforw. OM never cared about his children and treated his wife like [censored]. My WW knew OM for a long time and always blamed his wife! Beforemtheyngotninvolved in the A recently she said that the OM is a good father although he is the worst father ever! Maybe she was already having EA with him since that no looks like fog to me.

Lately I've been reading about some personal disorders such as BPD, narcissism etc and I wonder home much connection is there between serial cheaters and PD. For example in the thread you pointed to Promise83 she says that she has no empathy. BPD or Narcissism? My WW shows amazing lack of empathy for anyone except the OM. It is just unbelievable. Or is it just that all WSs have no empathy and are extremely selfish?

I am in plan B sort of. I discovered MB recently so I did not know about plan A and B. in retroapect and without knowing MB and intuitively I sort of executed bastardized version of plan A and B. NC of any kind with my WW.

My email to the POSOM is my plan H (hell)

My lawyer said that my email the POSOM in which I attacked him and my WW may be viewed as "cruelty" and that is more serious than adultery! Can you believe that BS? My lawyer is on my side and he is just warning me but really? Poor POSOMS and WWs.

If you think your wife has a PD then read the book 'Splitting' by Bill Eddy.

Very helpful for your case.

Another good one for BPD is "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

But waywards do parallel narcisim and PD because they're addicts.

Also stay around here because this is the best place to learn and heal.

MF and BH,

Thanks for the book suggestions. Walking on th eggshells would imply that I was scared one and she was the angry one. It is the other way around. My main LB were AO. My wife told me that once a month I had AO and that was my way to avoid intimacy and closeness. I am not dismissing that. She may be right.
The reason I am suggesting BPD is the following type a Quiet fragile "waif" type who is in constant need of being rescued:

http://GettinBetter.com/waif.html

I love articles by Shari Schreiber:

http://GettinBetter.com/articles.html

Install text to speech app on your iPhone or IPad. It is cool. See at the bottom of the article.

It is true, when we were dating my wife made me feel very special. I was her hero. After 9 months she dropped me in one day! The high from our relationship was gone and she got involved into an EA ( just recently I learned it was a PA too) . He was from a state berry far for us. All these were long distance affairs. Explanation for the long distance part?

After I took her back things were good for a long time until the last year when we had few setbacks that caused a lot of stress. Her way to deal with stress is an affair I guess.

Anyway, I am not a therapists but she is totally a "waif" type. Shari's advice is: Do not walk but RUN from her! Than again we had a long period of stability and a great marriage. Another sign: my WW hates therapy. She never stays long in it. She abruptly left our MC. She also lies to her therapists. She told me that. Lack of empathy now is so evident. She is brutal!

Shari talks about BPD and ADHD connection. My WW shows a lot of ADHD signs. She says that she is a poster child for ACOA. She has a lot of issues. I have my own how otherwise we would be together. However, I am fixing my issues. She runs away for hers.

We are set for a nasty divorce. She is unforgiving for my exposure and the insulting letter to the POSOM #2. POSOM #2 is her new Hero. She will dump him too. I will let you know when that happens.

BH I am here to stay and heal. I love my WW. I just do not like her right now. She needs help but she doesn't think so. She said that she likes how she is right now. She needs medications. I do not know if that would be ADHD medications or AD. Right now she has no friends except POSOM. I was her best friend. How can she live with herself like that. Is she aware of what she is doing and how much collateral damage she and the POSOM are creating? Will she ever get out of her fog? What do you think?

If it is BPD, people say it takes many years to make any progress. Progress with BPD is very slow. Again, I do not know what this is. Anyone else has experience of this kind?

Yes I have experience with that my current H is bipolar/BPD.

Stop walking on eggshells book is not for the scared person. It's for people who have a BPD in their life spouse/parent/child/sibling and how to educate yourself.

Yes BPD takes years to get better IF they are on meds and in DBT.

I don't have a lot of time right now but MB is all about boundaries as is dealing with BPDs.

Ask me what you like I'll be back.

BH

In the above articles Shari says that BPD is a core trauma experienced in the first year of the baby's life by a neglectful mother. Her mom is something else (BPD ?) and the father is a life long alchocolic ("functional").

When I started dating my wife it was a very special experience. I felt needed (my issue). I was her hero (my narcissism). After the first break and her affair we got back together and things were good for most of the part. But then the same girl-like behaviour started irritating me. I was thinking how can this very able high paying professional lack common sense, need guidance about simple things etc. I had more and more of AO. She was very bad in disciplining kids and setting boundaries. She wanted to be their best friend. Righ now as a WW she wants to be the best friend with her daughter and wants her young son to be the head of the household!!!

I was not born in USA. My family adores my wife and think that she is an angel. She cannot do wrong! They are shocked with her wayward behaviour. They still love her and want her to get better.

So I do not know if her behaviour is BPD, ADHD or ACOA. Are these linked? What are the meds for BPD? She had several therapists. How come none of them diagnosed her with BPD? Is BPD obvious or not. Could it be some other PD? Why am I attracted to BPD (Shari says narcissism). Do you run away from them? Are they going to hurt you over and over again even if I fix my issues. She told me I improved a lot but wanted to leave anyway. She became a pathological lier. She lies even when to tell the truth is as easy. If she told me about PA with OM #1 the OM #2 might have not happened. She chose to lie although I would have been more forgiving then than now.

Is this BPD or just typical WW Behaviour and are these two linked in some ways? Is this MLC and do you believe in MLC?

It looks that BPD cannot ever forgive you for exposure or shaming of any kind. Is that true? My mother in law has a very long resentment list. My WW is looking more and more like her mother! Scary but not unexpected for wiser than me. True for guys and fathers too.

Whatever answers you have would be helpful? I am lost. For eight months I was betting myself but now I see my WW's contribution much clearly. I thought it was all me. It is net.

Waywards have narcistic tendencies and BPD characteristics because they are addicts. Addicts act crazy and insane.

No I do not believe in MLC or childhood abuse as a reason for an affair and either does Dr. Harley. Read this from him Requirements for Recovery From An Affair
My WH affairs were 100% his fault. His BPD is an illness but with meds and DBT he will always be in therapy the rest of his life. It's like alcoholics. They will always be an alcoholic and must NEVER be around alcohol again for the rest of their lives.
With BPD they can be helped with meds and DBT. With my WH multiple affairs one of his many EP's is maintaining his DBT and meds. I'm very active in this with him. I go to ALL

Sorry my darn kindle.

To finish from my above posts. BPD's have childhood trauma and or abuse and can usually be diagnosed in teenage years but because teenage years are so full of turmoil that they won't dx it until the 20's. If they aren't dx they will just get worse.

What you will learn with MB it's all about boundaries which walks hand and hand with dealing with BPD or any PD.

I kow you're still learning and commend you for that. If you don't take anything from me but this please remember this.

Whether she is BPD or something else it isn't you that caused her to have her affairs that's 100% on her and if she won't get help there is absolutely nothing you could do or could've done. Count yourself one of the lucky ones that you're out because trust me when I tell you this loving someone with a mental illness is horrendous burden to bare.

You're still young so please educate and arm yourself with the MB principles and it will help you have the tools to pick an excellent wife. You're also very lucky to not have kids with her.

Take care of yourself my friend.

BH,

Thanks for you kind words, support and explanations about BPD. I need that now. I am very confused. In the light of BPD I am reevaluating my whole relationship and I am understanding it much more. That does not make me feel better. I love my WW and I am concerned for her. However, I cannot help her. Only if she is willing to help herself there is a chance for her. She is totally sabotaging her personal and professional life.she told me numerous time that her friend told her that it is ok to have it good and that she should get used to it. She did it for almost six years and than she went back to a chaotic life she is more familiar with from her childhood.


I have been reading a lot lately on BPD. Last night I read that that anywhere from 5% to even10% population may have it!!! It was previously thought that it affects women more than men but the new studies say that it affects both sexes equally,

Last night I kept reading this:

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Check the forum links below. It is unbelievable. BPDs do the same things so predictably. Their unpredictability becomes predictable. The words spoken, actions, lack of empathy, impulsivity everything what I saw in my WW. The sweetest woman becomes a monster with no feelings.

No one will love you like a BPD. The first phase (idealization) was uncomfortable for me at times but so flattering as well. It lasted nine months. Than it changed in one day. In the forum above all the stories resemble each other so much that I could not believe.

It will take long time to heal. I have to see what my issues are that attracted me to BPD. My ego is bruised. I am addicted to her. There is a lot of work for me ahead.

On MB i read a lot about WSs who behave in a much same way as BPDs during their A. They are cold, irrational, lack empathy, manipulative etc. While previously they were loving. Are some, most? Of them people with PD. Poor boundaries lead to A. Are these poor boundaries result of some kind of PD?

Although I am hurting I am also fascinated by all of this. Now looking back my two or three previous relationships could have been BPDs. WTF is wrong with me?

Yes I know that website very well. It was started by Randi Krueger the co-aurthor of "Stop Walking on Eggshells"

That book is an excellent resource.

They need boundaries like we all do, but if they don't have their boundaries dialed in tight then they will have episodes 10X worse than say you or I.

There is nothing wrong with you, but I would educate yourself on boundaries and what you will not put up with. BPD's are master manipulators and they know how to pour it on in the first stage of dating. They are addicted to the first stage of dating and that's why she "worshipped" you so much.

Think back when you were dating on some of the "weird" things she would do. Would she tell you, youu were the best she ever knew? Did she freak out when she thought you were going to leave her? Was she "talking to" a lot of different guys you didn't know about?

Learn from these. Educate yourself so you know what to watch out for the next time. How was her relationship with her family? Jobs? Can't keep a job or leaves them quickly? Many more signs.

You will learn tons from that website and from here. Mental illness is real and heart breaking.

BH

My WW is a very functional professional with a very high paying job that she kept for over 10 years. However, in personal life she had periods (before me and now) of a total chaotic personal life. In those situation she exhibited all BPD signs. Can BPD be dormant or less obvious for years?

I would really like that this is not BPD but idealization, devaluation, mirroring, suicidal threats, panic of being alone, jumping from one to another relationship point to BPD.

She may have simply learned to control it. Something may have happened to start straightening her out?

IF she is BPD she could be a high functioning BPD. Many BPD's that are high functioning have jobs as lawyers and doctors. Has she always had a chaotic personal life? How old is she? Has she ever tried to commit suicide?

AD I would strongly suggest you see a BPD therapist who can teach you how to deal with this if she really is BPD. They can teach you healthy tools and educate you. Can you do this?

Yes they can have time between episodes. It just depends on a lot of things.

Waywards act very parallel to BPD so she could just be wayward. You would need to talk to a therapist that specializes in BPD.

Karmasrose I do not think she learned how to control it. Imjust found in this excellent article on BPD that BPD can be dormant for years:

http://www.echo.me.uk/bpd1.htm

I think that is what happened. In this article it is mentioned that the memory part of th BPD's brain is 16% smaller! That means they are bad in learning from their mistakes.

.

BH,

She is a surgeon your age. She had plans to commit suicide (twice). I do not think she is just a WW. Imam not a therapist but she has some PD. She was treated for PTSD. I was told that BPD, NPD and PTSD are very similar. In any case she needs help. Howeve, she will go to a few sessions with her therapists, lie to them and stop going. She does not think she needs to change.

Before she quit our MC she said that even if we both fixed our issues our marriage is over!

Before I started this thread I came across BPD view times but I dismissed is as an explanation for my WW's strange crazy making behaviour. Not any more! This all seem sureal. The good thing that came out of it is I am not buying her lies and BS. I do not be
I've anything she said after filing for divorce.

If I knew about her supposed BPD or whatever she has I would have followed your advice for meeting a BPD therapist. She is with POSOM #2. She is inflating him and mirroring him. She dropped me and I have zero influence.

I did send a nasty email to him and threw a monkey ranch into their honeymoon phase of their relationship while they are on vacation. I hope it goes south from here.

Knowing about all of this will be the basis for my recovery. Without it I would hav thought that it was all me. I was empowered by all these revaluations and my exposure of her affairs.

Thanks again

Yup she definitely sounds like a high functioning BPD.

My WH was 41 before he finally got help and it has taken over 2 years to get the meds correct. He has never had a successful R.

Yes it can lie dormant until some "episode/stress" will trigger them and then watch out.

A waif sounds very much like her. It is not you and I'm glad you see that.

BPD's love to mirror and for non BPD the validation was huge for me to learn.

BH,

Yes my WW is a waif type BPD. I have been spending more time on BPD message board than here:

***EDIT***

The way all this came in my life was since Auguatblastnyear is:

Her filing for divorce
Her first affair
Recycling me
Her second affair
Her BPD

Knowing about her uBPD explains everything and gives me the framework for my recovery, hers too but she is far for understanding that she has this terrible condition or illness whatever you want to call it.

BPDs are terrified being alone. Therefore they always have to be with someone. "Their bed is never cold". Very sad!

I wish I was aware of her BPD much earlier during her days regulation long time ago. I would have either left then or I would have been better prepared for her second days regulation that lead to her first affair and her filing for divorce.

BPDs live a sad life in which they always need someone to define them since they do not have their own self. My BPD WW and I were soulmates. I was the man she will grow old with. Now after finding my replacement ( that I did not know about at that time) she said to me with a disgust in her voice:"We are so different people!". Yeas we are now since she is mirroring the OM and took his self as her own. He and I are very different and I am proud of that.

Automatic speller typed "days regulation". It is supposed to be "emotional dysregulation"

I also found that other forum very helpful. The stories are very sad especially the parents of BPDs.

Yes BPDs are terrified of being alone and as you read those stories they attach until they find their next host.

If my WH wasn't in DBT and on meds I wouldn't still be in this M.

Holdherhand a poster here (who works in the medical area) told me to make it one of my EP's which I have. It is very tough and I know we even have more of a narrow road, but as long as he stays on his meds and his Psychiatrist is wonderful and she keeps him in his DBT there's light at the end of the tunnel. I don't talk about it much on here and on that other forum they have a tough time with snooping and so I limit my time. The VETS over there don't but the ones with serial cheaters do.

One thing I love about MB is that the advice given here is to follow Dr. Harley's concepts. In the older days on here, it was more of a let me complain about my spouse. You will occasionally see trouble makers or people who have never followed the program in there own marriage giving anti-MB principles but most of those people are gone and the dedicated VETS that are here keep them from giving non-MB advice.