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I looked at the stuff you told me about on parallel parenting. I read a really good article someone posted about it. Just wondering on your story, if you're willing to share it, of course:
Do you and your WH still use an IM? If not, how long were they used for? (I understand that each BS and each situation is different) How did your children react?
I'm asking because my son has been blindsided by this. He is still little, almost four. But we have been pretty good about not fighting in front of him and being civil, obviously much much harder for my BH than for me. We have even been affectionate (hugging, kissing) in front of him up until my BH left. Now he doesn;t know what the heck is going on since he has been used to mommy and daddy being together his whole life. I talked to him and I told him that mommy had a house now and daddy had a house. My BH picked him up from daycare today (first time he has spent time with him since he left last thursday) and dropped him off at around 2000. Our son was devastated. It took him about an hour and a half to stop crying. I wasn't really sure what to do or say except just hold him and hug him and try to take his mind away from it, like making silly faces and stuff. My BH is going to take him this weekend, picking him up on Friday so I kept telling him that. "You're going to Daddy's house in two days!" It's just hard because he is too little to talk to besides telling him the two house thing.
Any other suggestions for kids this little? "Son, mommy caused your pain, and I am so sorry. I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make sure you never hurt like this again."
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But then I get told yes. That is so scary, too. Having to go back to the states with no job, no home, no benefits. What if my BH decides to move somewhere else? Then our son would hardly see him. I mean, either way this is bound to happen if we do D. Wow ... how important of you to think of yourself here. You are a United States citizen ... you have plenty of options and I can reassure you ... you won't be homeless. It is this "poor me attitude" that will doom you to failure ... the best you can do is start with one of your piles of chit and clean up that mess first. First, and foremost it is absolutely essential you quit your job ASAP. I can tell you right now the minute you walk into your commander's office explain to him your serial adultery ... they will be more than happy to have your resignation papers handed in ASAP. When you are ready to walk this path then and only then can you move onto Step #2 ... for now you must do whatever it takes to get out of the military. Your golden ticket here is 100% honesty ...
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What do you suggest is a job that can help with iron clad boundaries? Iron Clad boundaries is everywhere ... what job you decide will depend on what you want out of life. I suspect you have a high need for admiration. Is is true the military environment you were in provided a place for you to receive quite a bit of flattery from men? I like Alis's day care setting ... you could try being a teacher, work as a nurse in an all female office, there are endless possibilities ... it will be key for you to understand what will need to be done with your boundaries.
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I'll talk to Steve about what you said. My BH said he was giving me primary custody, not sure if he has changed his mind. Last I heard from our Im is he was thinking about doing a year tour in Afghanistan. So that would be me, my son, and my mother (who lives with me and I support 100%) to think about. Yes, it is scary for me to think about not having anywhere to go with two people who depend on me solely. I'm sure I could find something eventually. But that is what I was talking about.
Can you please link me a thread or an article that you have seen where someone was able to get out of the military ASAP?
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Well, the teacher thing I have already started my studies on. I am trying to think of something that I could start supporting my family with.
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Yea I tried something like that the other day. He just said "oh ok," like i said he's three.
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My husband was active duty. He self-reported to his commander on May 10. The 15-6 investigation was completed in early June. My husband was on terminal leave starting July 19th.
It does not appear as though you are very serious here. You have made a huge mess and don't own it.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I looked at the stuff you told me about on parallel parenting. I read a really good article someone posted about it. Just wondering on your story, if you're willing to share it, of course:
Do you and your WH still use an IM? If not, how long were they used for? (I understand that each BS and each situation is different) How did your children react?
I'm asking because my son has been blindsided by this. He is still little, almost four. But we have been pretty good about not fighting in front of him and being civil, obviously much much harder for my BH than for me. We have even been affectionate (hugging, kissing) in front of him up until my BH left. Now he doesn;t know what the heck is going on since he has been used to mommy and daddy being together his whole life. I talked to him and I told him that mommy had a house now and daddy had a house. My BH picked him up from daycare today (first time he has spent time with him since he left last thursday) and dropped him off at around 2000. Our son was devastated. It took him about an hour and a half to stop crying. I wasn't really sure what to do or say except just hold him and hug him and try to take his mind away from it, like making silly faces and stuff. My BH is going to take him this weekend, picking him up on Friday so I kept telling him that. "You're going to Daddy's house in two days!" It's just hard because he is too little to talk to besides telling him the two house thing.
Any other suggestions for kids this little? I am a little confused by this post because you seem to be intertwining two issues -- the parallel parenting and your son dealing with the separation. My children are 9 and 16 and had no problem with my not communicating directly with STBX or the use of an IM. They were, however, devastated and have gone through a roller coaster of emotions because of the breakup of their family. I can only say that I have handled everything as well as I have by using parallel parenting/Plan B and as a result have been a better job parenting and helping them through this. They are both doing well, today...and I would say have reached the acceptance stage re the impending D and everything that that entails. They have come a long way...
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I posted to you regarding your SSL (secret second life) and your problems with honesty. What were your thoughts?
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Promises83,
It's not the military that's the problem but your poor boundries that are the issue, you have to fix that.
Being in a female dominated workplace won't help either since AJJ said you cheated with a female friend too. Did you keep that female friend in your life?
God Bless
Gamma
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Promises83,
It's not the military that's the problem but your poor boundries that are the issue, you have to fix that.
Being in a female dominated workplace won't help either since AJJ said you cheated with a female friend too. Did you keep that female friend in your life?
God Bless
Gamma Wow. Well, I think Dr Harley would tell AJJ that promise would have to get a job where she works from home and ALL opportunity for an affair is taken away because she is addicted to cheating. This is basically what he told me about STBX...
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What do you suggest is a job that can help with iron clad boundaries? A job with AJJ that you're with him 24/7. That's what my WH (serial cheater) and I have had to do. Dr. Harley even recommended to a BW who's WH was a truck driver (had his affairs on the road) for her to quit her job and to be on the road with him.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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You're right, I did put two topics in there. As of right now, my son does not really have a problem with my BH not being around. He rarely asks for him. He is devastated when he does see him or talks to him. Probably has something to do with him being so little. I am sure if he was older and could understand better, he would also be devastated with his dad not being around.
I am taking your advice on the parallel parenting. At this point, there is no point in having our son see us together whe one is visibly upset. Maybe at some point we won't need an IM, but if my BH can't be around me, so be it. I only have myself to blame anyways.
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i remember reading that in SAA.
Is this a plan for after we are not in Plan B, I am assuming? Did you ever go into Plan B?
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i remember reading that in SAA.
Is this a plan for after we are not in Plan B, I am assuming? Did you ever go into Plan B? Are you talking about the jobs if he was to give you another chance? I went into Plan B with my XWH and still am in Plan B to this day with my ex.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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She was a mutual friend of both of us and no. We lost contact.
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Yes, thats what I was saying. So, I'm confused. You work from home with your current husband?
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I agreed with you. A lot of the things MadJake wrote were true so in some way your post about SSL matched with his idea of my life in a bubble.
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Yes, thats what I was saying. So, I'm confused. You work from home with your current husband? No we work at the same company Same 12 hours. Have work emails and take all lunch and breaks together and drive to and fro.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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