Yeah, just how are you verifying NC?

Keylogger on computer?

Spyware on phone(s)?

Please SS1 answer our questions so we can help you.

Hi All, very busy week. As far as the NC verification goes there is only so much I can do. She has made her phone available to me but we do not share a computer. Frankly, as I posted before I do not believe she is still in contact. Her A was with a married man (2 young children) 4 states away. Neither one of them would leave their kids to be with the other one. This, in my opinion, is why she decided to end it after I exposed. She has been going to IC once a week to work through her issues, primarily the loss of her A and deciding whether she wants (or is able) to try to work on us. She told me last night that she's been angry for the last two weeks so I asked her why. It is because she is angry that she can't have what she wants. OK, what is it that you want I asked. Her answer, a romantic love affair. I know from previous posts that the advice has been to spend as much UA time together and we do but she is still giving me nothing back.

Put a keylogger on her computer NOW.

Read what Dr. Harley says about "emotional state of mind" is a distraction to recovery.
Requierments for Recovery from an Affair

No can do, work computer. I also have completed step 1 from your link. She just seems stuck. I'm beginning to wonder if she will ever love me as a wife should love a husband. Sometimes I think she is just trying to wait it out for awhile for appearances sake.

SS1, what was the nature of the affair? Did they text, talk on-line, what?

Met online playing words with friends at the end of last year. Started as an EA. They started talking because his wife grew up where we live. Became a PA over Christmas when they were in town visiting. I know of 3 other times when they met but he lives 4 states away so I don't need to worry that she is seeing him on a daily basis. I saw how she acted when she was having the A and it is not how she is acting now. She is rarely on her phone (constant texting before + I have access to her phone) and never on the computer. I really do believe she has not spoken to him because she continues to grieve her loss (lots of anger and sadness).

I did ask her at one point if it would bother her if I was with another women and she said yes. That said, I guess there is hope but I feel like I deserve more from her than I am getting. I'm starting to feel as if I should pull away and either let her miss me or leave for good. It's sad as I still love her but if she can't get over the other guy then what is the point?

We spoke last night and I went to kiss her good night and she gave me her cheek. In a light hearted way I said "Really? Can we have a redo and a kiss on the lips" and she said no. It's weird, we get along so well, just no intimacy at all. Zero.

do you have spyware on her phone or do you just see what she shows you? My gut tells me that she is still in contact but you need to verify and not just go by what she shows you.
I'm sorry that this is so difficult for you. You are giving her a heck of an opportunity and she is throwing it back in your face.
It has only been a short time since NC so she probably is still in withdrawal.
Would your WS be open to calling the coaching center? I think it would help the both of you tremendously!

She won't do anything to work on our marriage right now. She tells me that she is screwed up and she needs to work on herself first (thus the IC). She got into a fight with her mom last Friday and told her to F off over a stupid argument. She then called me crying about how unhappy she was and that she was sick of living a lie and doing everything to make everyone else happy and not herself. She told me that she just wanted to leave everything behind and go start a new life somewhere else. In 18 years I have never heard her sound so sad and distraught.

That night I told her that if I am the reason that she is that unhappy then she should just go. My god, how do you live with yourself knowing that you are the cause of the unhappiness in the person you love the most. I don't even know why she is sticking around at this point. When I ask her she says that she wants to fall in love with me again but she needs some time. I obviously have some trust issues on my end so I find myself questioning her motives. This SUCKS!

I don't know, but ask my WH

Is she on anti-depressants? Would she be willing to go on them?

I don't have any advice to give you with your situation about her withdrawal, but I hope someone else with some experience will chime in soon and help you out.

((hugs))

Thanks, I just need to keep working on myself and get to a happier place every day. I will continue to try to meet her EN as best I can but at the end of the day I can't make her love me, it has to be her choice. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst....

To me she is in contact. You need to up your snooping to verify NC. She acts like she is being faithful to someone. You can clean up your side of the street all you want but if she is in contact then it will stop all recovery.

Did you talk to OM's BW? I would call her again. Did your WW write a NC letter?

This whole think stinks of contact. Actually, it's a dead-ringer for my two FR's when my FWW maintained contact.

If she's not on the normal phone, then look for another one.

Check your bank and credit card statements--any unusual payments to, say, a prepaid or pay-as-you-go phone?

Look at her phone and pay close attention to repeated calls made to contacts listed under female names. If one sticks out, call that number and see who answers.

I'd put a VAR in her car because that's likely where she'll talk if she has an affair phone.

Seriously, go through her purse, car, the garage, her dresser, bathroom cabinets, closet, clothes hamper, shoeboxes, and see if you find another phone.

Yup, yup and yup.

Read these.
False Recovery
False Recovery voices of experience

OK, I have turned up the snooping and have yet to find anything. I also spoke to the OMW wife last night, and she is not aware of any contact either but neither one of us can guarantee it. She did tell me that while they are getting along fairly well however there is zero intimacy between her and her H. This is exactly how my wife is acting, like a good buddy with no intimacy. HMMMM, makes you wonder. Is this normal? No contact was 41 days ago.

Good job on contacting OM's BW to check on her end.

What snooping do you have in place?

If your 100% sure there's been no contact then she could be in withdrawal.

Have you read this? Recovery After An Affair

I have read "Recovery After An Affair" and I understand waywards go through withdrawal after no contact. Let me add a little background here.

Got the "love you but I am not in love with you" speech on 2-17.

D-Day 3-19 (she told me after I collected a bunch of circumstantial evidence.)

Exposure week of 4-2 (friends/family). Although at this point I did not know the identity of the OM.

FWW told me who OM was on 4-10 (not sure why she told me, I believe she wanted me to expose to OMW to blow his marriage up.

FWW met OM playing Words With Friends. He is married with two kids and lives 4 states away however OMW grew up around here and has family less than a mile from my house.

Called OM and OMW on 4-11. OMW new about affair as well. Told OM to leave W alone and he would not unless my W asked him to. I had had enough at this point so I called my W and told her to choose, me or him. She chose him so I told her she needed to leave the house. We didn't speak for a day and then she broke it off with the other man on 4-13.

I let her stay in the house only if she would send a NC letter which she did on 4-16.

She was very emotionally connected to the OM and believes she was in love with him. She cannot let it go and open herself up so that I can meet her emotional needs.

Thus, I feel stuck.

You aren't that far out from DDay and I know you want to get to that finish line, but you already know this isn't a sprint it's a 26 mile marathon and you're just starting your training.

So what does she say when you ask her what she thinks about you and the M? Are you reacting negative so she can't feel like she can be O&H with you?

You're not weighing her down with relationship talk are you?

She knows that nothing "real" can ever become of her A because neither one of them will leave their kids even if they do D. As for our M, she told me that she wants to fall back in love with me but she needs time before she can. As for me, I set her free a month ago, I try to avoid LB at all cost and I try to only discuss our relationship if she wants to talk about it. I really do not wish to talk about the A anymore as I know all I need to know and I feel like the more we talk about it the harder it is to let it die.