Congratulations on your new job, that's awesome.

How sure can you possibly be that your paths won't cross in those eight days?

What's to stop him seeing your name and deciding to be around accidentally on purpose?

What's your plan to ensure NC?

I can't be sure our paths won't cross- I guess I meant, I don't have to 'work with him directly'. It's possible there is a hallway encounter- but I'm hyper aware, and last week I was at work- I spotted him down the hallway, and I just did an about face, and walked all the way around in a different direction.

As for a plan- and maybe this is a crappy one, but if he did pull a "accidental-on purpose" move, I was just planning on ignoring him. I don't feel the need to even talk to him to tell him to leave me alone and not talk to me, b/c I already did that back after DDAY. I don't plan on talking/making eye contact/being anywhere in the same vicinity.

Also- if I there is any hallway occurrence, it is understood b/w BH and I, that I tell him about it immediately.

Any suggestions/comments?

Head down, tend to your job, keep BH informed. Endure the eight necessary days and get out.

On the more pleasant front, how are you and your husband doing in the recovery process?

Are we in recovery? I guess from what I've read, I thought/assumed recovery was when both spouses wanted to recover the marriage? He's still said, just last week, he's not sure he wants this marriage, and he isn't even praying for God to help us recover our marriage b/c he doesn't think it's worth it.

I know that it's normal for BS to go back and forth, so I'm not sure how much of that is going back and forth or just not wanting to be married. Or maybe I'm just splitting hairs of the 'definition' of recovery? Just confused.

But to answer your question- when either one of us isn't working, we've been spending a lot of time together. I'd say most of it is really good time. He's really excited that I got the job and won't be away anymore- that makes me happy that he's happy, b/c I wasn't sure if he cared or not.

I feel like he's being a little more open with his feelings about the A. Before, it seemed if was talking about how he felt, he was usually talking about how he felt about me(nothing good). And so I never really knew at all what he was thinking/feeling, so I was left with just reading as many BS threads here as I could, in an effort to try to understand his pain and thoughts.

Now I feel like he's telling me a little more how hurt he is, and hearing it from his mouth and seeing it on his face is tearing me up- before for the most part, I had to read other peoples thoughts and assume that's what he is feeling. I'm really glad he's being more open and we're sharing things about our feelings. I've stuck to my EP list, we're working on meeting each others EN's, I've stuck to POJA/PORH, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to help him heal. I don't know what else to do.

It tears me apart to see him hurt and to really understand what I've done to him and our marriage. I try to keep my sad/depressed feelings to myself, but lately, in the past week, I've not been all that great about it. I'm trying to look honestly at my depression and I've asked myself, how much of this is self pity? Maybe a small part is self-pity, and maybe you guys have a better view on the situation, but I honestly feel like most of my depression is related to knowing how he feels and hurts. I'm not sure?

I've been honest with him about my depression, b/c he has always hated it when I keep things inside- I've told him that I feel like I don't deserve to feel sad, like "poor, poor me," sort of thing, but that I don't want him to think that I'm sad about something else.

I still want more than anything else to make our marriage work, there is not one little bit of me that wants to quit. Most of the time when we're together it's really good- and I'm so happy that we ARE still together and married. I'm so grateful for not being divorced already- I'm just trying to get a handle on my depression, b/c I don't want it to affect our relationship for the worse.

We have a week off together next week, so we'll be spending that whole week off in the middle of nowhere together. My 30th birthday happens to fall during our vacation- he had said that maybe I should hang out with my friends on my b-day, b/c he didn't have it in him to do anything for me, and I didn't deserve anything. I told him there was no way I was hanging out with my friends if he was willing to hang out with me, and that's all I wanted anyway. Even a month ago, I wasn't sure he would want to spend his vacation time with me.

When I think about things like that, I realize how blessed I am- I guess I feel like it's a catch-22, b/c when I focus on how far we've come, or how happy I am when I am with him, I'm happy- and I'm not paying mind to his hurt and pain, but then when I focus on his hurt and pain, I don't know how to fight the sadness.

I'm sorry for the rambling....

The road to recovery is still on the roller coaster, so expect your BH to have ups and downs. It's very encouraging that when you and he spend time together, you are both enjoying it.

During our recovery, I often had the feeling of wanting out. I vacillated between loving and hating my H, making love one morning and beating him with my fists the next. The roller coaster is horrible for both spouses, but it does eventually smooth out, as long as both spouses are following the plan.

Recovery begins when the conditions for recovery are met:

No contact with the AP for life.
Extraordinary precautions instituted.
Transparent and integrated lifestyle.
Building a romantic passionate marriage, one that is better than pre-A.

When each of you continue depositing in each other's love banks, avoiding love busters, the resentment will fade.

It takes a long time to rebuild trust, which will never again (and never should have been) blind trust. Your H should understand that it's perfectly fine to "trust, but verify."

We did the online course, which was very helpful for keeping us on-track and accountable, plus the resource of the coach and access to Dr. Harley.

Oh many- LWFhome, I didn't see this post. Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely expect the ups and downs. Still sucks, even when you expect and understand it...

We're continuing to do pretty well. Spent a week of vacation at the beginning of the month, it was really fun for both of us. Had my 30th b-day over vacation.

I'm finally done with work at my old job where OM1 showed back up. Been back at home for a few weeks now, been really nice to finally live together. Start my new job in about a week.

This weekend, we're headed to go visit his family...first time I've seen them since DDAY. Saying I'm nervous/scared is an understatement. I sent them an email on DDAY apologizing, but haven't seen/talked to them since. (they live 1000+miles away). In the reply email his mom sent me, she basically said she didn't know if she would ever forgive me for what I did.

Little back story- BH has cousin whose wife cheated on him super early in marriage, and they got divorced. Well, soon after we got married MIL said to me multiple times that if I ever did that to BH, she would kill me. Of course, I was super offended at the suggestion. Oh...the irony.

Anyway, so not only are we seeing his parents, but his WHOLE dad's side of the family. Who all know. So it should be an interesting week. On the positive side, his mom did invite me to come- and she even sent me a 'happy b-day' text, so I'm going to take those as positive signs.

I know it's going to be hard on BH too, he's said part of him doesn't want me to come b/c he's going to feel awkward and embaressed too, and that he knows it's going to be hard for me, but he's not going to be able to be there for me to support me, b/c it'll be too hard for him.

I told him, that no matter how hard it is for me, wherever he is willing to bring me/be with me, I'll be there. So prayers would be accepted this week.

Other than that, we're doing pretty well. I've been trying to stay away from the forum a bit more, mainly b/c Steve told me not to think about the past so much. Hard to do, but it's easy to get caught up in all the stuff going on here.

BH says he still doesn't know if we should stay married. He's told me 'I love you' a few times in the past few weeks...but it was accidental, and he said he slipped out of habit, and pretty much took it back. It's hard to not hear it at all, but then to hear it and then know he didn't mean it sort of stinks. He did apologize, and said as a consolation that his feelings towards me are changing more positive- that he's not quite as disgusted towards me. I said I'lll take it...

If his mother has made even slightly positive overtures towards you, then she either is hearing good reports from her son or she believes in marriage strongly. Either one is good news.

As for his 'accidental' I love yous, those are easily explained.

His love bank is getting higher with each enjoyable hour he spends in your company. His love is raising and those feelings are building.

But while he still has resentment, he isnt going to want to give you any promises or signs of commitment. Hes still watching you.

I dont think someone with your attitude has anything to fear from being on a probation. Keep it up. It all sounds like good progress.

wow, doro, your thread is testimony for WWs everywhere. you are so strong!

your MIL has offered a conciliatory gesture. this is good. parents will follow the lead of the child/spouse. my mother knows everything that happened between us, but strong supports our marriage and doesn't LB my H. she is happy he's doing his bit. i bet your MIL is too - they want to see their children happy, not heartbroken.

your H is showing signs of thawing. this is fantastic news! all your hard work is paying off! keep doing what you're doing. the steps to romantic love make all the difference in the world!

I do know his parents have told them they will support him with whatever he decides. Even in her post d-day reply email to me, while she said she didn't think she would ever be able to forgive me, she said they would support him with his decision if he decided to stay.

I think it's quite positive that she invited me...but I'm still nervous! I know I'm going to cry a lot. And I hate crying in front of people. SO there's that to look forward to.

I usually don't feel so strong....thanks for all the encouragement. Whenever I get down about where things are, I just think back to where they were 4 months ago, and I'm pretty much amazed how far we've come, and then I get grateful instead of selfish and stupid.

Grrrrrr.....I am so frustrated right now. Just got off phone with H. We are still planning on going to visit his parents, but not till monday, so that leaves us with the weekend to plan what to do. He brought up going on an outing with a group of his friends- people I know, one of the girls used to be my old roommate.

I basically said I wasn't all that thrilled about that idea and didn't want to go, b/c I know this particular group of people are going to be drunk/high/stupid all weekend. If it gives you an idea of how MUCH they party, I was pretty 'impressed' with the magnitude of it, back when I was drinking along with them... Even when I did drink, I didn't like going on trips with them, b/c of how much they party. Now that I quit drinking, while I don't mind hanging out a night or so, even enjoy it sometimes, I really don't want to spend a few days with these people. I've never been one to want to hang out with people while they're doing drugs. If they want to do it when I'm not around, fine- I don't really care. But I really don't want to be around it.

H is all frustrated and upset b/c he's saying, "so now I just don't get to see my friends? It doesn't bother me if they're doing that" I said, "well maybe it should". I didn't say he couldn't hang out with them ever, I said, I didn't want to hang out with them all weekend.

I feel like I'm stuck. If I stick up for my feelings and beliefs (which I did), then I know he's going to think and say, "well maybe this isn't going to work out between us" Sort of like, if I don't go along with everything he wants to do, then maybe we should get divorced. He did say something like, "so this is how it's going to be? I don't get to do anything I want to do?" And I said something like, "well, in a marriage you have to figure out what both people want to do".

It kills me, b/c now he has a reason for not wanting to hang out with me/spend time alone with me doing something other than outdoor activities. But this has always been the case- I felt a lot of the time that if we weren't doing something strenuous that he wanted to do, he wasn't enjoying his time with me. He usually complains about it. Of course I understand why he may not want to hang out with me NOW...but it's not a new phenomenon and didn't start with DDAY. And if we do spend all weekend with a group of other people, and then the week with his family, there is essentially no time for just us to hang out.

I feel like I don't have a right to stand up for myself. I'm worried about him being mad at me and using the 'maybe we shouldn't be together' as leverage, and then me folding,and doing whatever it is he wants....but at the same time, I really feel like I have the right to say that I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people who are going to be three sheets to the wind all weekend.

I've been working so hard to change myself and what I do, and think and surround myself with. I've been making an effort to make new friends who are GOOD influences on me, people that have character. This is just so frustrating to me- and of course, this whole conversation was on the phone, b/c he's at work until the morning. So we said goodnight and I'm just so frustrated.

doro, you aren't using POJA! instead, you both are making SDs and DJs. this is the problem. wait until tomorrow, then approach your H again, this time with POJA in mind. brainstorm it, and come to a mutually satisfactory agreement. you do have the lovebusters book, right?

DoroM,

You have every right to stand up for yourself. However, a line like "well maybe it should" as a response to them partying so heavily doesn't bother your H, is lovebusting.

You two have no right to lovebust each other, as it is not okay for him to use your affair as a leverage against you. Lovebusting has a tendency to escalate, so it would be wise and healthy to stop very early if it has already happened, but even wiser to not lovebust at all. I know first hand how hard it can be. You may think that "let's sort this out once and forever", but you end up more frustrated and feeling very hopeless - about yourself.

I have only read your thread in bits and pieces, but how on board is he with MB principles?

The key here is using POJA. Do you practise POJA? Your spare time should be fun and should be spent together. As far as I undestand the process of POJA now, the option of these particular friends is off the table now because you don't like it, and other alternatives should be put on the table for discussion. Have you read Dr Harley's articles about POJA - Having trouble with the POJA?

Dr Harley talks about 2 kind of resentments


If we apply this to your current situation, then if he did go to have parties with these friends it would hurt you and cause resentment in you. If he didn't go it would cause resentment in him. The second type, when we can't do something we'd like, always causes resentment, but this is not that hurtful like the first one when we DO something to hurt another person.

More here

He surely resents you because you had an affair. His resentment towards you won't go away by allowing him do what he wants, it will only please him short-time. His resentment toward you will lessen when you show you are a safe woman, meet his needs and don't lovebust him. In other words, protect him.

I would also suggest that you read the chapter of Resolving conflicts over friends and relatives from Lovebusters book.

Mrs Rec, her BH isn't yet on board with recovery.

Doro, as Mrs Rec and Letty pointed out, you were both LBing there. One thing that stuck out to me about your post was
Firstly, you don't know what he will choose to do. He most certainly can choose not to hang out with you this weekend, but he may choose to spend time with you instead. And I remember reading somewhere in DrH's material(I believe it was in LB) that no one never or always does something. Even to state that can be considered an LB. And how do you know that he didn't enjoy his time with you unless you were doing something strenuous? If he didn't tell you that, than that is a DJ on your part.

You are reacting to his IB. Have you read LB? Has your BH? Remember, LB can drain your LB$ much more quickly that you can fill it. It's important to look at yourself, and fix what needs to be fixed.

You are well within your right to place boundaries around who you will hang out with, under what circumstances, etc. Right now, however, your BH isn't on board with MB, and with recovery, so you need to show him what YOU will be doing, and let him decide. He may still decide that he doesn't want to live under those circumstances, and that's well within his right. You need to clean up your side of the fence.

I totally had POJA in mind the whole time we were talking- I didn't let the 'maybe it should' slip until the verrrrry end. I knew I shouldn't, but I was so frustrated at the time. I kept saying to him, "Why don't we try to find something that we both really want to do?" I was actually really careful to not make a SD. I was very calm about the whole thing and was just trying to explain to him why I didn't really want to hang out with these people. I didn't say he couldn't, and I didn't say that I wouldn't.

Yes- have LB book. I think he started reading it, but he's not done with it. I've got a chapter left I think.

I'd say read the above to him.

how's that? some carrot in there for him to keep him from shutting you out altogether. can you skype rather than call?