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Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2
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Joined: May 2012
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I will start by saying we have been married 2 years and dated for 1.Last year she caught me looking at porn,she asked me to stop and i did.Just recently i noticed she didnt want me to touch her phone.Wednesday I seen a yahoo account on her phone and confronted her and she became very defensive.we argued and she said she was looking at porn.I said ok lets do an open password thing and she refuses.I dont know why but i am thinking the worst,possible affair or chat with another man.Please help I love her and want to save our marriage.she says that she will resent me if i force the open password.this is my second marriage,hers too.My mind is racing with bad thoughts of what is really going on,what do I do.
. Archer .
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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It sounds to me like she is hiding something. I would snoop like a bloodhound. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Just tell her that her reluctance means she must have something to hide.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
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I'm sorry you're here with suspicions.
some background info will be helpful. Any kids with her? How/why did her marriage end? what about yours?
How long have you been familiar with MB concepts?
Have you read the basic concepts here?
This sounds enough like possible infidelity that you should probably hit "notify" at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move your post/thread to the "surviving an affair" board. There are great folks there who are expert in advising people who are/may be going through infidelity (like 60% of other married couples, unfortunately).
You will probably have to snoop to find out what's really going on. You have a right to know what is happening in your marriage, and asking is not yielding any results. You'll have to be stealthy and get up some nerve. Read the investigation board for tips.
~optimism
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Welcome to MB. You need to put spyware on her phone. Can you check online records to check her activity? There should be complete transparency between spouses. Snooping is it right or wrong? Also why did both of your first marriages end?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,709
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.she says that she will resent me if i force the open password.
. Archer . Read this Archer. For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse.
So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.
One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.
I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding? I agree with the others...start snooping. That is how you will find out whether there is a third person in your marriage. MB can help you in either case...but you have to know what the problem is before you can fix it.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I agree. Please hit notify and ask the moderators to move your thread to "surviving an affair." Beyond that, start getting more involved in your wife's life. Go where she goes, plan activities together, and snoop like a bloodhound. Get to know her so well that she does not have secrets from you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: May 2012
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Hi there,
here are a few answers for the questions I was asked.
No kids together she has 4 I have 2
Her last husband cheated on her w/ friend
My last wife was lazy and non productive
Not familiar w/ this site. just going out of my mind and dont know what to do.she thinks I should trust her that it will stop like she did when it was me.If it is porn that is one thing,but if she is
doing something online w/someone else that is quite another.I just want her to put my mind at ease and show me the yahoo account is not for someone else.
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Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
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Where either of you still married when you guys met?
Have you verified/spoken with her ex-husband and asked whether or not she committed adultery when married to him?
Your wife is obviously up to something/an affair so you'll need to head to the infidelity section and start investigating.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Not familiar w/ this site. just going out of my mind and dont know what to do.she thinks I should trust her that it will stop like she did when it was me. If she wants to be trusted, she should give you the password. The fact that she doesn't is an indicator that she is hiding something. Tell her that being completely transparent will help you trust her but as long as she doesn't you can conclude she is hiding something. Which she probably is.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Not familiar w/ this site. Click the "notify" button and write a message asking the moderators to move your thread to the "surviving an affair" section of this site. You will get better help more suited for your situation.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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