And I'm sorry, Al. I didn't properly welcome you - I'm sorry you have to be here under these circumstances, but you're in the best place you can be.

ETA: It's good to see GloveOil on the case. He's a former wayward husband who will help de-fog your husband.

Sorry everybody. I really want to reply all the individual posts and answer all your questions. I really appreciate all of your words or support. I'm having a really horrible night emotionally and I can't process my thoughts well enough right now. I'll try again in the morning.

Right now I just feel like I might just die of sadness and humiliation and violation.

I know I won't.
But that's what it feels like.

Can you get to your doctor ASAP and get some AD's?

Scotty and Brainhurts: I'm sorry if this is a stupid question, but can you explain to me how exposure works AFTER an affair is already over? All the info I read is talking about using exposure to help you get your WH to END the affair.

He has already exposed this to a friend, and today will tell his family and a few other friends. We agree workplace exposure is important. Do I tell my family? What if we're not close? It seems counterintuitive to tell people who would not be there to help support me, and would look down on my husband forever even if we manage a full recovery.

I want him telling at least these people not because I want to punish him or because they'll be helpful, but because he's such a liar generally. Because I don't think I could face him and work on feeling better if he was still putting on his public persona and pretending everything is awesome while I'm dying inside. I guess I just want to see that he's serious enough to own this.

AI, yes, exposure is still effective even after the affair is over, as it will help keep your WH accountable. You need to tell your own family and friends so you can gain support for yourself through this. If there are people who get angry with your WH about his actions, those are HIS consequences, and he needs to be able to deal with them, or else he will never change. He has been a serial adulterer since the beginning of your marriage, and you having kept it all a secret has had a negative effect on you.

You didn't answer my question about the NCL. Did he send another one, after his apology email from his secret account, that was based on the one in SAA?

Do you have any snooping techniques in place to ensure that the A is actually over? When are you going to do the workplace exposure? Also, when you BOTH go to the doctor's to get tested, you should have your WH tell the doctor why you are there. Another part of his consequences.

Thank you so much, NB. It gives me a lot of hope that you and your H are doing so much better now. Your H's post on mine's thread was awesome. Between him and Gloveoil, I think he may finally be starting to see a little clearer here.

Thank you. Your posts to him have been really helpful. I think he's strting understand better. Feels less foggy to me.

AI, Scotty is right about the reasons for exposure. Everyone should know. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. I would especially find out if any of these women are married and inform their husbands.

What will you be doing about the fact that your husband works at the same place as the OW? You do understand he can't ever work in the same place with her again, right? Your marriage will never recover unless he NEVER sees her again. Have you discussed his getting a new job?

I found a quote from Harley about exposure after an affair:

Hey Scotland, thanks for the quick reply!

No, after the secret email there was no other letter. His 'NC' went like this:

Confess to EA and say he's ending it immediately. I say I want to see it, in writing, before he sends it.
He sneaks off outside and breaks it off in a long teary phone call instead, (then comes inside and confesses it).
He sends an email, approved by me, saying no more contact ever.
He sends a secret email from a secret email address that was not on the list he gave me. This email also says no contact for life, and he wants to make things work with his wife, but goes on to apologize and detail just how much she meant to him and that he'll always miss her, blah blah blah. VOMIT.
I find the secret email address etc.
She texted him multiple times the next day. He told me all of them. We blocked her number.
Then two weeks of NC until she got a text through from an unblocked, long-distance number. At this point I sent her a text saying it was immoral for her to be pursuing contact after being told not to, that I knew all about them, and not to ever contact us again.

ANNNND that's the story. Two days after the surprise text he admitted to the PA that had been eating him up with guilt the whole time we worked on 'recovery' from all the EA's.

He's going to the doctor tomorrow. He knows I expect copies of all test results. I can't decide whether to go to our shared doctor or a women's clinic. Every time I think about what he could have exposed me to from this slutty idiot I want to throw up again.

Yes, Melody, the job situation was addressed immediately even before the PA was admitted. We both agreed we would NEVER recover if he ever went back there. He is on medical leave until July, and he will find a new job before it's over.

Is that a common thing to do? I don't think I need antidepressants...just more time.

Invictus, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I am glad to see so many good people posting to you; I know many of these people well and am happy to say that they will do anything to help you. Listen to them well and you will get the practical support you need to recover from this trauma.

Something you might want to know is that as long as your husband is in contact with the OW, the affair is still on. So don't worry about should you still expose after the affair is over or not: if I am reading correctly above, he is still working with her, so this is not over.

It's pretty common, and Dr. Harley says it can really help you keep your head and feel good enough to take whatever steps are necessary to save your marriage.

Here is what Dr. Harley says.



I can also find you radio clips if you'd like?

Search "depression measurement tool" online.

If you can't sleep, you may benefit from some sort of anti-anxiety medication.
If you score pretty high on the depression scale, make a Dr appointment.
How much weight have you lost?
It's not unheard of a BS losing 25-30 pounds very rapidly.
It's not unheard of a BS going 48 hours without sleep or food. That's pretty dangerous. You cannot expect your mind to function if you are so stressed out your body is falling apart.
The neuro-transmitters in the brain become exhausted from stress, which is one reason that thinking straight is so difficult, near impossible.

If your body is giving you the message that you need help, please listen.
You may not need ADs now, just anti-anxiety meds. Leave yourself open to the possibility, and ask for medical opinions if/when you become more symptomatic.

Don't drink more than one small alcoholic beverage daily.
Don't forget to exercise, which helps boost your anti-stress hormones.
Vigorous walking 30 minutes daily is probably enough to get you started. MAKE yourself exercise.

BIG HUGS

And you can expect her to try again......

I HIGHLY recommend that your WH change his cell number TODAY!

There is absolutely NO POINT in allowing OW to trigger you again and again when she breaks through the "block". We've seen it happen weeks, months and even after years of NC, all because the same phone number is kept.

My wife and I changed EVERY phone number we had and every email addy we had. We knew we would not get messages to most people about the change, but it was 100% worth it!

Not only should he change his numbers, and email addresses, I would even suggest that he resend a NCL, using the MB approved templates. DO NOT allow him to add any apologizes, or how much he cared for her, etc.

Your WH should do EVERYTHING within his power to remove ALL avenues of contact by OW.

How are you AlmostInvictus?

St. Johns Wort is a more natural Anti-Depressant/Anti-Anxiety, if you desire to seek alternatives to medications with so many side effects. My wife was unwilling to go the allopathic route and was success using the homeopathic route. She used Ignatia in a 1M dose on several occasions combined with exercise and forced herself to eat a balanced diet (because of the stress she slimmed down to a size 00 before coming back to a more normal 2/4 size 2 years later).

I'm sorry you've found yourself suffering this loss and betrayal.

BTW, homeopathy has no side effect for nursing mothers. My wife nursed our children and used homeopathic remedies as needed. That's why she loves homeopathy!

She also took a respite from her homeschooling schedule in the beginning of recovery. That's the beauty of homeschooling, you can control the schedule.

Praying for you and your Husband.....

My child was four months old when I discovered my WH's adultery. I was exclusively breastfeeding as I did with all our children.

The day the bomb dropped (d-day) ... I couldn't eat, sleep, or do much of anything. I was a mess ... I cried all day and thought for a moment I was going to have a nervous breakdown at any second. My parents were panicked over my state of mind.

By God's grace I nursed for another 18 months ...

I learned the body will make enough milk no matter how much stress you put onto it ... by nature making milk is its first priority. The key is to keep the baby at the breast often, even if it seems they are barely eating.

I did not eat or sleep for an entire 2 months ... it was such a fog after D-day I couldn't even tell you how I took care of anything. I wore a sling and kept my infant next to me as much as possible.

As I lay awake at night I noticed my baby was eating most of the night. Granted I am a co-sleeper, and was with all our children. My baby wasn't too interested in eating during the day due to all the other active children in our family. It is okay if your baby eats most of their food while you sleep. For me co-sleeping worked well because I could sleep while he did his thing.

Your WH seems like he wants to help out as much as possible. Make him walk his talk. If you can't eat, then at least rest and put baby to your breast during these times of rest. It will help keep your milk flowing, and it actually produces great hormones in your body to help relax you. The key is to just keep nursing, and use the hormones to find some downtime. I had such high anxiety ... but after nursing it lowered it some.

I am 20 months after d-day, and my son just turned 2. He weaned himself a while ago ... and is very healthy today. It was wonderful and I am so happy my WH's adultery didn't destroy breastfeeding for us. I made nursing my priority, and everyone understood and supported me through this nightmare.

Please let us know how we can help you ... I would be happy to answer any questions.